The “hoovering” technique was named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, and it’s one of many common manipulation tactics employed by abusive, toxic narcissists.
This is when a narcissist sort of “sucks” his victim back into the relationship, or some version of it. It often begins innocently enopugh, sort of subtly, but it always happens with one target – to regain control.
Art Imitates Life: How Charlie Brown and Lucy Demonstrate Narcissistic Hoovering
Here’s a pretty simple example of what hoovering looks like.
Remember in the Peanuts cartoons how Lucy would always hold the football for Charlie Brown, but every time he would try to kick it, she’d pull it away? And, when he’d fall, she’d smile like there was no tomorrow – actually enjoying that pain.
Charlie Brown did what any kid would – he’d stop trusting her to hold that ball. But inevitaly, Lucy would promise each time that THIS TIME, she’d really let him kick the ball. And inevitably, she’d pull it away at the last second, and then she’d bust out that big smile just as he fell, yet again.
Hoovering usually begins after the devalue and discard phases, when the silent treatment has stopped giving the narcissist pleasure, and when he’s ready for more of the supply you’ve been feeding him all these months or years. Or, it’ll start when you’ve left the narcissist and he fears you won’t return.
The idea is that the narcissist needs to reestablish contact with you in order to get the narcissistic supply you’re so good at providing.
This is a dangerous tactic, because once he gets his foot in the door, you’ll often find yourself being love-bombed and hearing promises of brighter days ahead – but just like poor Charlie Brown, you’re bound to fall again.
Have you experienced hoovering before? How did you deal with it? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
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Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.
Hi Angie,
Actually I’m going through this right now. I’ve been married for 25 years, I think he is a “medium Narc”. I left him 2 weeks ago and he’s been “love bombing” me and making promises of how he will change and how wonderful things will be. I left once before and felt guilty and pressured so I went back. I’m not in love with him, all I feel is resentment and pain from all the year of his selfishness and manipulation. Our kids are grown but they want me to try to make it work, seeing that I don’t love him and my heart isn’t in it I don’t see that going back will do anything but start the cycle over again. He texts or calls me every day even though I’ve asked for time and space. When I’m with him he constantly wanting to touch me or hold my hand(which he never did before). I’m a very passive person and have had a hard time telling him NO, but I’m trying to make boundaries and be more assertive. Any suggestions, advise, etc is greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
I was hoovered back twice, the favourite way is text ‘I miss you’ or just ‘xxxx’
They begin with simple little texts & progess to ‘I’m sad’ ‘I wish you were here with me’ ….’I’ve changed’ and so on.
Rarely are they actual phone calls, for some reason they are not capable of real conversation – I’ve read this is a feature as they can’t control you if you are talking about their disappearance or rage.
So texting or messages work as testing the water prior to a conversation.
They Will even say sorry in a text, never happens in real life.