The “hoovering” technique was named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, and it’s one of many common manipulation tactics employed by abusive, toxic narcissists.
This is when a narcissist sort of “sucks” their victim back into the relationship, or some version of it. It often begins innocently enough, sort of subtly, but it always happens with one target – to regain control.
Hoovering usually begins after the devalue and discard phases, when the silent treatment has stopped giving the narcissist pleasure, and when they’re ready for more of the supply you’ve been feeding them all these months or years. Or, it’ll start when you’ve left the narcissist and they fear you won’t return.
The idea is that the narcissist needs to reestablish contact with you in order to get the narcissistic supply you’re so good at providing.
Art Imitates Life: How Charlie Brown and Lucy Demonstrate Narcissistic Hoovering
Here’s a pretty simple example of what hoovering looks like.
Remember in the Peanuts cartoons how Lucy would always hold the football for Charlie Brown, but every time he would try to kick it, she’d pull it away? And, when he’d fall, she’d smile like there was no tomorrow – actually enjoying that pain.
Charlie Brown did what any kid would – he’d stop trusting her to hold that ball. But inevitably, Lucy would promise each time that THIS TIME, she’d really let him kick the ball. And inevitably, she’d pull it away at the last second, and then she’d bust out that big smile just as he fell, yet again.
Hoovering is a dangerous tactic because once the narcissist gets a foot in the door, you’ll often find yourself being love-bombed and hearing promises of brighter days ahead – but just like poor Charlie Brown, you’re bound to fall again.
Have you experienced hoovering before? How did you deal with it?
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Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.
