“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mingon McLaughlin
Alright. It’s about time we talk babout the elephant in the room.
Whether we believe it or not, sex is a really important part of a strong marriage.
And though comedians like to joke about the lack of sex once “he’s put a ring on it,” hot wives know that it can’t end with your walk down the aisle.
Why Sex Will Save a Marriage
Even when you can’t seem to get past a disagreement, a physical reconnection can dramatically increase your chances of making it together in the long run.
Plus, though women won’t want to be intimate physically without an emotional connection, the opposite is true for men, who equate love with your willingness to get it on once in awhile.
How often should married people be getting busy?
Let’s start with this: I am not going to tell you to have sex with your man a certain number of times per week or in any specific situations or positions.
The fact is that there isn’t a particular standard formula that works for every couple.
You’ll want to find a happy medium between your drives that works for both of you.
But you can arm yourself with some knowledge and then apply it to your own marriage as is appropriate.
This can help you to determine and find a good rhythm in your sex life. Pun absolutely intended.
Ideally, you’d just sit down with your husband and have a rational discussion about what you both want and need from your sex life.
Being able to communicate in a calm and rational way about sexual issues you have with your spouse is the very first step to resolution.
Still, some people struggle with that kind of openness.
The Reality of Married Sex According to the Statistics
With all of that being said, a look at the statistics will help you understand that while none of us are exactly the same, we’re not all entirely different either.
The Good News and the Bad News
First, the good news: 80 percent of married people actually have more sex than single people.
That’s right. More.
Even better? That same 80 percent has better sex, too.
“Studies have found that married people have more sex than single people,” according to Dr. Laura Berman.
It’s true in my experience. And apparently, the same goes for most other married couples, who say that on average, they have sex 68.5 times a year, according to a Newsweek report.
That’s slightly more often than once a week – not terrible for the average Joe, and not so shocking.
But you might be surprised to learn that married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married.
And even better, according to Berman, “married couples also have more varied sex. Oral sex is also more common among married people.”
Yep. You know how us married folks are, right? 😉
The Bad News: 20 Percent of Married People Are in ‘Sexless’ Marriages
And as sexually active as that 80 percent is, the other 20 percent is in a whole different world, as the Newsweek report noted; it seems that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage.
Of course, that’s probably because, according to a USA Today report, 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive – whether it’s because of physical or emotional issues.
Since I am not a medical professional and do not offer any medical advice, all of my guidance here is going to be directed toward those who have mental or emotional blocks, not the 25 percent who suffer from a condition called hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which experts say can be defined as “a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual.”
For those who struggle with mental and emotional issues, there are solutions that can start working right now.
Hot Wife Tips for Getting Over a Sexual Hump
Stop comparing yourself to other women in a negative light.
Sure, maybe now and then we all catch a little thrill from being the hottest wife in the room (we’re only human, after all), but on the flip side of the coin, when you worry about how “normal” or sexy you (or your role in your sex life) really are in comparison to other women, you might actually intensify the problem.
As psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of “Marriage Rules” points out, “a big problem in marriage is that one or both people start thinking something is wrong with them because they’re not having sex as much as they think they should.”
And you know what happens when you start thinking something is wrong with you, right?
Obviously, the law of attraction works for you and before you know it, something seems wrong.
So if you’re in a situation where you’re struggling to get past a tough spot in your sex life, it’s time to let go of the feeling that there is something wrong with you.
“When you start comparing your sex life to what you think it ‘should be’ and conclude that you fall short — well, that’s a problem,” Lerner says. “Often, lack of sex doesn’t mean anything else is wrong in your relationship. Sexuality is vulnerable and often has a life of its own apart from how your marriage is doing.”
Stop talking about yourself in a negative light.
Bottom line: a wise man once said it and I’ll say it again – argue for your faults and they are yours. You are what you think, you are what you say, think and feel you are. So what do you want to be?
Close your eyes and take a moment to envision the perfect, sexy, amazing version of yourself – the best possible version of you. Do you like what you see? Feel what it feels like. Breathe it in.
What do you see? What do you hear? Smell? Taste? What does it feel like to be the perfect version of yourself?
Once you’ve got it in your mind, write it down, draw a picture of it or commit it to memory however works best for you – a vision board is a great way to make things happen.
Next, start seeing yourself that way, talking about yourself that way and feeling that way. By the basic law of attraction, you will become what you want to be. So why focus on the things you don’t want? That will just cloud your vision, which will slow (or stop) your progress.
Speak, feel and think only good things and only good things will come for you – and that goes for more than just the way you look and feel.
Are you ready to get your sexy back? Find out how to be a hot wife, right here.
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.