How to Effectively Speak to a Judge in Child Custody Cases with a Narcissist Co-Parent

Written by Angela Atkinson

A member posted in our SPANily Support Group for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist that her ex was making her son’s life more complicated by not taking him to regularly scheduled events for a group he was involved in, and a fellow member offered some really great (and very effective) advice. With her permission, I’m sharing it with you today. For now, she has asked that I credit her only as “Anonymous Survivor.”

Being Assertive vs Being Aggressive: How to Get the Judge to Hear What You Really Need Them to Hear in Court

By Anonymous Survivor

There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Judges ignore aggressive behavior and hold both parties at fault. But they listen to assertive statements that focus on the BEHAVIOR itself.

For example, going into court and being angry, and feeling or saying things like, “he is an asshole/jerk/won’t do anything anyway,” will appear to the judge to be very aggressive. And while we all understand why you would feel that way and even act that way, this will only lead the judge to ignore you and see you as part of the problem.

If you want to reach the judge in a way that makes things better for both you and your son, try this more assertive style of communication.

Assertive Statements to Use in Court with a Narcissist

Following our agreement established with Judge ______, I contacted (your ex’s name) each time our child had an event with advanced notice, as shown in these printed out copies I have brought. (your ex’s name) refused to confirm. I sent follow up messages as per our agreement and (your ex’s name) did not respond.

I have interpreted the refusal to respond as (your ex’s name) being unable to take Child to the event, so I arrive to pick up the child as per our agreement to ensure (the child) does not miss out on the opportunity. When I arrive to pick the child up or call (the child), (your ex’s name) states that I am harassing him/her and blocks my phone number, preventing communication.

This artificially-created situation is a result of (your ex’s name) refusing to participate while simultaneously refusing my right to exercise the agreement we made.

As a result, (the child) is not attending events and this negatively impacts (the child).

Final Tip: Speak with the leaders of your child’s organization as well, simply stating you have reached out to dad to bring the child, but that dad will not answer and you’ve tried to bring child yourself, but have been refused. Ask if its possible for the child to make up events, move days, or otherwise have accommodation so that they can attend the event.

If you’re going through a divorce with a narcissist, you might like our sister site, DivorceYourNarcissist.com.

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