This is an unpublished letter I wrote to my narcissist colleague about six years ago. All of this happened in the first three years of my interviewing and hiring this person. She was eventually fired for unprofessional behavior (including using a topless photo as her Facebook profile image). There is no personally identifying information in the letter.
Are you serious right now? How do you justify asking the person who interviewed you for your job, and personally signed off on your work visa, “What qualifies you to take on [PR Project X]?”
Overconfidence is one thing, but you’re arrogant and extremely ignorant to the point where you’re embarrassing yourself and don’t even realize it. Let me count the ways you compensate for having a fragile ego. For example, we were at lunch with four other colleagues and you frowned and said “don’t like” restaurants that serve four-course meals with formal cutlery settings.
And before you pretend you can really afford a Hermes Birkin, we all know that was a PU knockoff you plonked down in the center of the table. The handbag is supposed to be made of crocodile skin and you shouldn’t have it because new import laws make it illegal to bring one into this country.
Please avoid chewing your meal open-mouthed while holding the fork vertically in your clenched fist, while stabbing it onto the ceramic plate, and clanging the tines against your teeth.
What was I saying? An authentic, used Birkin can cost more than a new A-Class Mercedes Benz, so why are you hitchhiking? Their Hondas cost less than your handbag. And, if you can afford a real Birkin, why did you tell me that $80 is EXPENSIVE for a designer canvas tote when I mentioned that I got mine at 98% off?
Also, why did you have a colleague telephone City Hall on your behalf to complain that your health insurance is expensive when your monthly premium costs half the price of one pair of the (supposedly authentic) Tory Burch shoes you’re wearing. You have them in assorted colors to match your outfits. You are wearing two years’ worth of premiums every week.
By the way, that Emporio Armani wristwatch costs $200. While you were acting like the newly arrived cat that got the couture cream after I complimented you, please note that your colleague sitting next to you was on her second rose gold Omega. She misplaced the first one, and bought a new one because she couldn’t bother to look for it. She doesn’t talk about it, so you didn’t notice.
My favorite part is the fake engagement ring. The stone is too large so it is easy to see about ten colors beaming out of it. If your boyfriend can afford a real diamond that size, he would have brought you to the store to have the ring sized to match you. The mixed metal band is tarnished (blackish brown) and is swiveling around on your finger. The whole thing looks tacky. At least do some research if you want to really fool people. It’s not the fakery that bothers me, it’s the laziness. A lot of women in the office wear real diamond accessories, so they either think you’re not sensible or that your boyfriend is cheap.
Also, if you’re going to wear a real five-carat diamond ring, a real Hermes Birkin, and five pairs of Tory Burch shoes, how come you can’t afford to visit a salon to style your hair? You’re acting all high society, so why the flat, dull tresses and ratty-looking scrunchies?
On a more serious note, use of laxatives to control your weight is causing you to be malnourished and is messing with your hormones and brain function. Your colleagues told me so. Boasting to them about your eating disorder being a trend was a bad idea. Some of them were genuinely disturbed by your words.
Out of concern, I offered to teach you how to grill your daily lunch salmon to get the most nutritional value, but you said you prefer bland food.
But answer your question, “how am I qualified”, I co-hosted a radio show while still in high school, do several media interviews and profiles every year, designed swimwear for the tourist board of a developed country, wrote and directed ten stage plays, wrote and produced PSAs at the request of City Hall, and consult with NPOs.
So, if I’m not qualified to do a public relations project, then neither are you, you resume-embellishing, “I did six HOURS of a media literacy college course and therefore I’m an expert at producing radio segments”, PU knockoff Birkin toting, open-mouth chewing and smacking, spiteful, ungrateful, presumptuous, pompous human!