My story started over 8 years ago.
I met him online and we chatted for some time before we met. He picked me up as I had no car which I thought was sweet at the time. A bit old school.
I met his friends where he socialized and they all were really nice.
Things started to go wrong when someone who knew him asked me if he had ever hit me. I was shocked and asked him about it he was very defensive and quite nasty about it which upset me.
I let it pass.
Over the years the red flags should have been enough for me to walk away. There was no depth to our relationship. I discussed what happened when I was a child with my father and his response was a friend who had been sent to prison for abuse and how he couldn’t believe this person had done it. Not the response I had expected really.
There were good times and when they were good they were really good. However, when they were bad they were horrendous.
For example, I remember being locked in the house so that I couldn’t leave to the point I nearly called the police.
Another time, we went away with a group of friends. It was always four of us – never just me and him. We were laid in bed and I just said an innocent comment in a normal tone of voice to which he went ballistic.
This left me prepared to find my own way home in a strange country with no idea how to get to the airport. Once he realized I was serious, he launched my suitcase in the road.
Red flags, wow, manipulation, no empathy, not prepared to have a two-way conversation where I felt heard and my feelings mattered. Being called names, belittled and put down for the person that I am. Standing and shouting in my face so close that he was spitting his anger at me. The anger was something else. Negativity with life in general.
I should have never put up with any of it.
I am a caring and loving person who would do anything for anyone if I can. And yet, I was told I was inconsiderate, uncaring…and the expletives…I am unsure of what I haven’t been called.
I think we so desperately want someone to give us the love and affection that we are prepared to give another if only they could treat us right.
The frustration of twisted conversations saw me exhibiting behaviors that I am disgusted by. I won’t beat myself up for them though. I have never been like that in any other relationship I have ever had before.
Weeks of abuse, bullying, manipulating…and him saying he wasn’t doing it anymore; however, the abusive messages still flowed.
My last message was simply, “see ya.”
We live in the same village and go to the same club. There was a trip away this weekend which I did not go to. But I still went to the social club. I still have friends. One of the girls on Friday told me that he hit his ex-wife and another lady. She said she couldn’t tell me when we were together.
Now I am rebuilding me, I know that I am not the names I was called. I know that I deserve to be treated better than that and that I deserve love and respect and someone who can work together to build something close intimate and happy.
I don’t really have a support network so finding this site for me is amazing in helping me along my journey. I do have a strong sense of self, I know who I am.
If I could offer anyone any piece of advice it would be this:
Should you ever find yourself googling abusive relationships and narcissists you need to get out of it. It won’t change and the fact you are googling that stuff should be a massive red flag. One that I didn’t recognize at the time.
If anybody treats you in a way that doesn’t sit right with your gut leave life is so short. If someone can see you upset and not care run away as fast as your feet will carry you. You deserve to be loved by someone who wants to make you happy and see you smile someone who feels like your best friend, not your worst enemy.
Know your worth and know you are worth so much more. xx