Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: When Anger Helps You Evolve (And When to Let It Go)

Written by Angela Atkinson

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. ~Eckhart TolleCan anger ever be a good thing during narcissistic abuse recovery

I was sitting here this morning feeling angry about something over which I had no control, and I hated the way it felt.

I don’t know about you, but for me, the effects of anger become very physical and if I allow myself to stay angry for long, it’s not good for me or anyone else.

If I stay upset for long, I find that I get sick to my stomach, I clench my jaw and give myself headaches and I tense up every muscle in my body. It’s a miserable way to live.

Have you experienced physical effects of really strong emotions before?

Is anger a waste of emotion, or can it serve a purpose in your recovery from narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships?

I asked myself whether anger can ever serve you – whether it could possibly ever be good for you.

I worked on letting go of the anger I was feeling as I  thought about this, because I don’t like the way it makes me feel and because, up til now, I figured it has no benefit to me

But today it occurred to me. Anger is sort of like fear with a little courage thrown in, sometimes.

And if I’m being honest, ending my relationship with my narcissist was sparked by anger – I had to get angry before I could get away.

Then, I remembered that before I lost all that weight a few years ago, I had to get really mad at both myself and the world to get going.

So this is what I think anger does, on a positive note.

There is such a thing as constructive anger, and it is this kind of anger that causes you to stand up and to create positive change in both yourself and your life circumstances.

Sometimes, anger can help neutralize your fear and power up your gumption to get you through the hard transitions – the things you might just be afraid to conquer without that little push of emotion.

So, from now on, I’m going to ask myself:

What is this anger about? Can I use it to constructively correct a bad situation in my life?

If the answer is no, I’m going to let go of the anger – but if it’s yes? I’ll get started on getting those changes made.

So I think my new rule is that anger is only allowed about things I can control – not things I can’t.

I think anger that is justified and repairable might just be your soul’s way of communicating with you when you just won’t tune into your true desires otherwise.

What do you think? Can anger ever be a justified and useful emotion?


  • Angela Atkinson

    Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own. Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.

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