Frequently Asked Questions

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

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What does it feel like to be in a relationship with a narcissist? How can I be sure?

I feel you, trust me. That feels really important and after all the years of being discounted, you might have a tendency to doubt yourself. You need validation – I get it. And that is why I created this page to help you get a clearer picture of what kind of person you’ve got on your hands.

Resource: Find Out If You’re Dealing with a Narcissist

And like I mentioned in a previous FAQ: This page is dedicated to helping you figure out whether you’re dealing with a narcissist. You’ll want to bookmark it as it is packed with free, comprehensive resources. 

I'm divorcing or thinking of divorcing a narcissist.

Specialized Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse During Divorce

We know divorcing a narcissist is hell.  That’s why we created an entire website to support our fellow survivors who are going through divorce, or considering it. We built DivorceYourNarcissist.com to help you learn how to take stock of your present situation; lay out a “game plan” for what kind of life you want; and start moving in a positive direction.

DivorceYourNarcissist.com: START HERE

 

I just found out about narcissism/NPD.

This page is dedicated to helping you get a better understanding of what narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are and what it means to be involved with someone affected by it. 

My narcissist has moved on with someone else.

I totally feel you – it’s painful and insulting and probably makes your tummy hurt, at the very least! It’s so invalidating and you ask yourself: what if this person changes for the new guy or girl?

Will the narcissist be happier with someone else?

Short answer: While it might look like they’re going to be better with the new supply, this is just an illusion. It’s the “love-bombing” or idealization phase – and probably about half of the perfect-ness is all just for show. The other half will fade away as soon as the newness wears off. Don’t believe me? Think back to when you first started dating this person and to how much better things were then. Narcissists have repeating patterns, and this new supply will be no different. Trust me. 

Need more? I feel you there too – you may even have other questions about the new supply. Here are all the answers you might need in this video playlist that will answer nearly all of your questions – it’s all about your narcissist and their new source of narcissistic supply. 

I can't stop thinking about the narcissist.

It’s really, really hard to go no contact with the narcissist. Not only is your heart working against you metaphorically, but your BRAIN and BODY are LITERALLY doing so. On top of that, the trauma bonding factor makes it feel like you’re going through painful withdrawal, not unlike the kind of withdrawal experienced by heavy drug addicts. There’s a reason for that: the same area of your brain is affected. 

It’s very common to feel like you can’t stop missing or thinking about the narcissist. Here’s some help. 

Video Playlists

 

 

 

The narcissist won't leave me alone!

It’s really, really hard to go no contact with the narcissist. And if they won’t leave you alone, it’s 100 percent worse. Not only might you be tempted to believe their lies and hoovering attempts, but you also might feel stifled and unable to heal if you’re still seeing and hearing from the narcissist on the regular. What do you do if the narcissist won’t leave you alone?

Here’s some help. 

Video Playlists

Books

 

I've lost all my friends and/or family since I've been with the narcissist.

Narcissists have a way of isolating us from anyone in our lives who might back us up or help us be strong against them. This can and often does include your best friends, closest family members and even social groups (church families, clubs, etc.). Not only is isolation a BIG red flag in any relationship, but narcissists have a way of sneaking it in under the radar. 

For example, they may flirt with your best friend and say the friend flirted. This would naturally cause you to push your friend away. Or they might slowly chip away at your relationship with your supportive family member by saying the family member is too controlling or bossy – especially anytime the family member sides with you on something or makes the narcissist feel threatened in their own level of control in your life.  

Control is the reason they isolate you. It makes you easier to handle and less likely to stick to your boundaries and your proverbial guns. When you don’t have supportive people backing you up, the narcissist has a much easier time getting in your head. 

Plus, it makes you emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise dependent on them, which gives them even more to hold over your head and keep you feeling stuck. 

You may also find yourself self-isolating because you are emotionally exhausted after dealing with the narcissist and you simply cannot stand to deal with anyone else. (Yes, huge red flag!)

Here’s help.

Video Playlists:

 

 

I am forced to co-parent with a narcissist.

Narcissists make THE WORST co-parents. Parallel Parenting with a narcissist is a MUCH better way to see this whole deal. It’s a perception shift on how you share a child with a narcissist (in a parallel fashion, rather than a joint effort) because it’s not possible to co-parent with a toxic person in a healthy way.

Here’s Help:

Support Group Specifically for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist – If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, this is the group for you. SPANily Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist is a parenting-focused narcissistic abuse recovery support group by Angie Atkinson and QueenBeeing.com.

Video Playlist:  Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Parallel Parenting

I broke no contact and now I feel terrible!

First of all, take a deep breath and forgive yourself. You have to remember that our brains and bodies actually work against us when it comes to going no contact. You are normal; MOST survivors do this at least once during their recovery. Don’t beat yourself up; just get back on track. But there’s good news: neuroplasticity means that we can rewire ourselves if we do it intentionally. 

Some things to help:

  • You are probably dealing with some trauma bonding, not to mention Abuse Amnesia.  Both are often suffered by survivors of abuse who finally go no contact or leave the narcissist.
  • Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome. This is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse and makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult. 
  • Abuse amnesia is when “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” on a toxic level. You literally sort of “forget” all of the bad stuff and begin to romanticize the reality of your toxic relationship. This is dangerous as it leads to reuniting with your abuser. 

YouTube Playlists:

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

It’s common for survivors of narcissistic abuse to feel like they don’t know who they are anymore. This could feel like an existential crisis. You WILL need support to get through this. 

Here’s help:

Video Playlists:

Here are some free tools that might help:

I'm afraid to join a support group because someone in my life will see it on Facebook.

We understand, and you have options here. First, you could join our off-Facebook narcissistic abuse support group at MySpanily.com. Second, we recently launched a new Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Space on Quora that is totally free to join – check it out here. 

Finally, you could just hide your Facebook groups so they won’t see any of your groups. Here’s a quick tutorial on that.

I think I have a narcissist in my life.

This page is dedicated to helping you figure out whether you’re dealing with a narcissist. You’ll want to bookmark it as it is packed with free, comprehensive resources. 

Can I tell you my story?

Yes PLEASE!! 

One of the biggest things I hear from narcissistic abuse survivors who find this site or my videos is that they are so relieved to learn that not only are they not crazy, but that they aren’t alone in the painful and shocking realization that they are being (or have been) abused by a toxic person.

It’s a HUGE part of recovery. And it matters.

It’s so important for people who are going through and recovering from narcissistic abuse to truly understand that they are not alone.

When you share your story and your personal experiences with narcissistic abuse recovery, not only can it help you grow and evolve in your own recovery, but it offers you a unique chance to pay it forward and help to encourage and support other survivors who are having or have had similar experiences.

We WANT to help you tell your story. Learn more. 

I feel inadequate or like I'm not good enough.

I SO feel you – it took me years to finally “get it” and learn that I was in fact “good enough.” Here’s a list of tools and resources that will help you.

 

I want to get revenge on the narcissist.

Ever get tired of being abused by a narcissist? Feel like you want revenge? Of course, the best revenge is living well. But…

This is how you torture a narcissist into submission.

And if you want to know how to control a narcissist or to give him/her a taste of their own medicine, this is what you do.*

*Fair Warning: You need to know that while this information can be useful, there’s such a thing as karma – and maybe you don’t want to do this. The fact is that two wrongs don’t make a right. With that being said, I get it – sometimes, you just want to make a narcissist feel the way he or she makes YOU feel – to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe that’s because you think it’ll help them get a sense of empathy – but it won’t, at least not for long. However, it WILL cause him/her to be under your control for a period of time, so if that’s what you want, read on – or watch this playlist.

I'm worried I might be the narcissist.

It’s more common than you think to worry that you might be a narcissist. Here are some tools and resources to help. 

 

I feel numb, drained and emotionally exhausted.

Often, during and after narcissistic abuse, we feel drained, numb and detached from everything – even ourselves. Here is some help.

 

 

The narcissist is stalking me!

This is scary stuff – we know it and you know it. That’s why we created a whole page dedicated to helping you stay safe from your stalker. Visit the page, right here. It’s packed with resources and information you need – plus, you’ll get access to a free stalker safety toolkit we built specifically for you.

The narcissist is lying to everyone about me!

Sounds like a Smear campaign, or a common manipulation tactic used by narcissists to control you or to isolate you from others in your life. It’s where the narcissist spreads rumors and lies about you in order to socially or otherwise isolate you, as well as to get additional narcissistic supply in the form of support or pity from those who are hearing their latest “sob story.”  

Here’s help.

Helpful Video Playlists

I want to leave but I have no money or help!

Financial Abuse & Control. 

Financial Abuse is a tactic used by a narcissist in which they use money to control and or manipulate you. This can be done by restricting you from accessing family money or by forcing you to provide all of the money, and may involve blatant lying about, theft of and/or hiding of family money, among other forms of manipulation and control. 

This is a common issue for people who are in long-term relationships with narcissists. Narcissists are infamous for financially abusing their victims – so one way or another, they control us with money. They may have prevented you from working or they may require you to work and hand over most or all of your paycheck. Some narcissists will even go so far as to get pregnant (or get you pregnant) in order to have even more control. Often, these same narcissists will put you in a situation where you don’t have financial or social resources you need to leave them – this ensures you remain a continued source of supply and the narcissist feels they don’t need to do anything else to keep you around. This leads of course to you feeling (and often, being) trapped.

Here’s help:

Video Playlist:

 

 

I don't know how to make money to leave!

This is a tough situation. You might need to figure out a way to make money under your narcissist’s nose without them finding out – and you might also be dealing with taking care of your kids, home and other business in the process. How do you do it? Here are some possible options.

Here are some resources to get you started.

I left the narcissist. Now what?

Even when you’re the one who leaves the narcissist, you’ll find yourself feeling very broken and lost. You’ll need to go through the healing process because you have just survived a very painful, toxic relationship. You might miss the narcissist. You might find that you have joy alternating with overwhelming fear and depression. You might wonder if you did the right thing. You might not know who you are any more (and you might not be sure you ever did). This could feel like an existential crisis. You WILL need support to get through this. 

Here’s help:

Video Playlists:

Here are some free tools that might help:

Do I need to tell the narcissist I'm going no contact?

A lot of survivors ask me if they have to tell the narcissist they want to go no contact. The fact is that it’s pretty much up to you. If you have children together, you may have to remain in contact until the children are adults – but even then, you can stop communicating with the narcissist on anything outside of the business of the children.

Here’s a video that explains more.

Visit our No Contact Support Center for more information and support on going no contact with a narcissist.

More FAQ

You are not alone

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