Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Why Going No Contact is So Hard (And What You Can Do About It)

Written by Angela Atkinson

You’ve grown tired of the constant, relentless emotional and psychological abuse of a toxic pathological narcissist, and you’ve decided you deserve better. You’re absolutely right, in case no one has mentioned it to you yet. So, you’re considering going “no contact” with your narcissist – or you’ve already done it.

Congrats, you’re on your way to finally taking back your life. Are you ready to leave? Have you already left, or are you still trying to decide what to do? Are you struggling with leaving or having left, but you don’t know why?

Do you wonder why you still want your narcissist when they’re so terrible to you? Or how you can possibly miss someone who abused you relentlessly? It isn’t your fault that you feel so drawn to your abuser. As it turns out, you are LITERALLY addicted to the narcissist. It’s called trauma bonding.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a common condition among narcissistic abuse survivors and their abusers. Thanks to an ongoing cycle of intermittent reinforcement, many survivors of toxic relationships go through this, much like kidnapping victims and hostages do. Learn more about trauma bonding in this article, which has been medically reviewed by clinical psychologist and narcissistic abuse recovery expert, Dr. Robin Bryman.

This video explains trauma bonding in more detail.

Why is it SO HARD to go no contact with a narcissist?

In addition to trauma bonding, there are so many practical reasons it’s so difficult to walk away and never speak to the narcissist in your life again. For example, narcissists isolate you. They do this in several ways after the discard phase of the relationship. First, the narcissist may try to sever your connections with friends and family so that you are dependent only on them. The lack of social connections available to you means that when they tell you not to see them or talk with them anymore, you have no social support system to turn to. That’s why it’s important for you to maintain your connections because if something does happen after going no contact, you can be sure that a narcissist will not allow you any support from anyone except them.

I want you to ask yourself a question: Can you see how your narcissist might feel like a drug to your brain? You might be interested in this book.

This book offers an in-depth guide to surviving and thriving during and after life with a narcissist, in whatever degree necessary for your life. You’ll learn to recognize narcissism in those around you, plus how to identify and stop typical manipulation techniques, such as gaslighting, in their tracks. (Read More)

Get your copy free when you have Kindle Unlimited or Amazon Prime – or pay $2.99 and keep it forever. 

Studies Show that Stress and Life Trauma Lead to Major Health Issues

A study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine has indicated that once anxiety and depression set in, you’ve unleashed the possibility that you’ll develop heart disease in the future. Are you really going to let the narcissist keep killing you? It’s time to take back your life, my friend.

We all know some of the factors that contribute to heart disease – primarily genetics and our poor food consumption (or lack of healthy foods in our diets). But most people never consider sheer stress and anxiety as a source of actual damage to their body’s heart.

Study Shows Connection Between Disease and Depression

The study – carried out at the School of Population Health of the University of Queensland in Australia, was focused on women over 40 who had experienced stress but who had no sign of heart disease. Over time, their depression and anxiety seem to be a factor in the development of heart disease.

It was a 15-year look at how heart disease developed in these women. Researchers were looking for both depression and anxiety combined as a contributing factor. What they found was that the women who were newly diagnosed with heart disease during the study were more likely to have both depression and anxiety.

What scientists concluded is that when you have these types of mental health issues to fight in your life, your nervous system can’t perform accurately. And when you’re depressed, you tend to lack physical activity, engage in unhealthy food, cigarette, and alcohol addictions, and neglect your overall well-being.

10-Year Study Connects Life Trauma and Heart Attacks

Another 10-year study by the Heart Foundation found that heart attacks can occur from major life traumas, such as the death of someone you love, disasters of nature like hurricanes, tornadoes, etc., and domestic terror attacks. The study also found that chronic stress – especially in women over the age of 45 – contributed to more heart problems as well. But that doesn’t let men off the hook, though.

Other Factors May Apply, But Trauma and Stress Remain a Top Factor

No study to date has singled out stress as the sole determining factor for having heart disease, but there’s no mistaking the fact that it can contribute to it. It could be because depression and anxiety cause poor self-care behaviors.

One thing doctors know is that a large number of patients’ visits to the doctor are due to chronic stress. It can take a toll on your body, causing fatigue, panic attacks, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and more.

What happens when you get stressed is that your body experiences a fight or flight reaction. Your adrenaline gets pumping and you tense up. Your heart rate soars. Fat gets released into your blood because it’s used to give you a jolt of energy. Even your blood clots more easily.

This wouldn’t be a problem for your heart if it happened once in a while, but for many individuals, depression and anxiety is never-ending problem. Your heart needs rest and relaxation. It shouldn’t always be battling increased blood pressure, a barrage of cholesterol, and a rapid heartbeat. What will happen is that your heart might start beating abnormally more often than not. Your arteries can thicken, too – setting you up for a heart attack or stroke.

Gauging Your Stress Level for Heart Health

When you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship (or narcissistic abuse recovery), you almost certainly will live with stress – not to mention depression and anxiety – and it can absolutely affect your heart health. Some people have minor stress while others are mired in it and don’t even realize how bad it’s become.

Ask yourself if you’ve been going through a lot of traumatic, nerve-wracking, or frustrating situations in the past year. That might include:

  • Changing jobs, having stress in an existing one, or having no job
  • Adding to your family either with birth or marriage
  • Losing a loved one or a good friend
  • Long-term health issues
  • Struggling in a toxic relationship
  • Moving
  • Continual stress like traffic
  • Being sued
  • Struggling with money

The Body Keeps the Score

As the book says, The Body Keeps the Score. Think about how you’ve physically felt lately. Stress is evident in our minds, but sometimes we overlook the physical effect until it’s too late. If you’re burdened by an unhealthy amount of stress, you might notice a few common stress signs early on.

Your jaw might hurt in the morning. This is a sign you’re clenching your jaw or grinding your teeth at night. You might also suffer from headaches and feel stiff in your neck area.

As stress really takes a toll on your body, symptoms get more serious. You might have dizzy spells, insomnia, feelings of panic attacks where your heart is racing, you’re sweating and you feel nauseous.

Ways to Cope With High or Chronic Stress During No Contact

If you’re stressed out due to the ongoing abuse, you aren’t alone. But you’re going to want to do what you can to get it under control so that your heart is protected and you’re not setting yourself up for a heart attack or stroke.

First, there are some things you don’t want to do when it comes to managing your stress.

  • Consider whether you want to take medicine and if you would prefer to avoid it, be sure to tell your doctor. Medicine can certainly take the edge off during recovery, but it absolutely will not help you learn to cope, so focus on both therapy and self-care so you can get through the hard times.
  • Don’t feel bad if your doctor does prescribe something to help you temporarily soothe your emotions. At their discretion and based on your health, your doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety or anti-depression medicine. Follow your doctor’s orders (in other words, take it as prescribed), and be sure you see your doctor when you’re ready to wean off of the medicine. There’s nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to get through the hard times, especially when you’re medically supervised.
  • Don’t use food to help you get in a better mood. The comfort food that many people use to self-medicate during stress only causes more problems for your health.
  • Never turn to alcohol (or drugs) to help ease your anxiety. None of these things assists you in building a healthier heart. They just do more damage to your body.
  • Exercise by itself helps your heart but it also releases endorphins, which help your stress levels plummet back to a manageable level. You can get as little as 20 minutes of exercise a day to reap the benefits of exercise.
  • Practice good time management. Whether you’re rushing around because you’ve over-scheduled yourself or you’ve procrastinated to a point where you’re now panicked, a lack of time is one of the top stressors most people list about their lives.
  • Implement good sleep habits. That means you’re protecting your heart by getting plenty of Zs at night. You can’t function properly and handle stress gracefully when you’re running on empty.

Just as not getting plenty of sleep can be a problem, it can also be a problem if you get too much sleep. That’s a sign of depression, so if you can’t get out of bed and face the day, it might be time to call the doctor and set up an appointment for professional help.

Eliminate any stress that you can.

In addition to the narcissist, stressors might include:

  • Tasks at your job that you can delegate
  • After school activities
  • Community commitments
  • Chores that others can help with
  • Toxic relationships that bring you down
  • Drains on your financial stores

Start replacing bad habits with good habits.

Things like nutrition may not sound like it affects stress levels (and in turn heart health), but it does. When you feel like your energy is drained because you’ve crashed from a sugar high, and you’re not tired – it makes you unable to handle stress as well.

Engage in specific stress relief measures.

For some, it might be:

Learn how to say no to other peoples’ demands. You might have people from your personal life, from your child’s school, from your church, or from work trying to get you to take on more responsibilities. If you need less stress, don’t be afraid to say no.

If anger is your primary reaction, then you need to focus on anger management so that you can control your reactions to the daily stress that you undergo. And let go of any grudges you’ve been holding against other people because it only wears you down physically and emotionally.

Embracing a Positive Mindset

It’s been proven that optimists live longer than pessimists. That’s because those who look at life with a glass-half-empty are often suffering from heart-sabotaging issues like depression and anxiety.

But it’s not as easy as flipping a switch and suddenly thinking everything is all rainbows, hearts and unicorns. In fact, you’re not supposed to wear rose-colored glasses and be fake about how great life is, either – but there’s nothing wrong with faking it til you make it.

What you need to do is work on a mindset where you’re realistic about what life has given you and then tackle it with a positive attitude that you’re capable of working through any issues that arise.

There’s always going to be stress in your life. It’s unavoidable as a whole. But with the right attitude, you can meet situations head to head and handle them with ease.

  • Every day you need to reiterate to yourself that you’re capable of handling whatever arises. Stay level-headed about what’s going on. Don’t overreact and make a bigger deal out of something than it really is.
  • Take a deep breath and look at whatever’s happening and think logically about how you can make it better. Don’t let feelings of doom and gloom overrun your thoughts.
  • Chances are the worst-case scenario will never happen, and even if it did, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll recover from it. How can you get a better mindset that helps vaccinate you against stress and protect your heart?
  • Practice positive affirmations. This is when you vocally and mentally reaffirm to yourself that things are going to be okay. Some people start their day off this way and end it this way – or call on positive affirmations during times of crisis.
  • Smile. Research shows that smiling actually improves your stress handling abilities – but not just any smile will do. It needs to be a full smile where your eyes and the muscles around the mouth actually change shape.
  • Find ways to laugh a lot. Whether it’s through a funny show on TV or a date night out to a live comedy club, laughter can help people physically and emotionally. When you laugh, the lining of your blood vessels dilates and improves blood flow.

Finding ways to manage your stress won’t just ensure that your heart is protected. It’s going to give you a better quality of life, which will improve your relationships, too.

That’s all for today. Before I close, I’d love to know if you’ve personally gone no-contact and what your biggest struggles were – plus, what worked for you. You never know who you can help by sharing your own thoughts and experiences!

Get Help With Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

These resources will help you with your narcissistic abuse recovery.

Author

  • Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own. Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.

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