They say that the best way to predict a person’s future behavior is to take a look at his or her past behavior – and when it comes to a toxic narcissist, this is almost unconditionally true.
If you think about how you and your narcissist got together, do you remember how he treated you at the time? Do you remember the things he told you about past relationships?
And, if you’re in the process of leaving or you’ve already left, you may be dealing with watching him romance a new love – and it’s probably killing you inside. But maybe not for the same reason as everyone thinks.
Standard Breakups: Behavior and Relatable Anger
In most cases, when a couple breaks up or divorces and one of the two moves on with a new love, it can cause a lot of stress and trouble for the one left behind.
You wonder: is she better than me? Prettier? Smarter? Thinner? Better in bed?
And part of you kinda hates her guts; maybe even wishes horrible things would happen to her.
That’s pretty common – but obviously most healthy people wouldn’t act on those feelings, outside of maybe a snide remark here and there.
In some cases, you might even see ex-couples trying to “get revenge” on one another by contacting new partners and trying to sabotage the relationship.
Why It’s Different for a Narcissist’s Ex
When it comes to a former narcissistic supply, there’s a whole new element involved when it comes to her feelings toward the narc’s new victim…er…”love.”
And yes, this ex might also feel the need to get in touch with the narc’s new potential supply – but for a very different reason than a pissed off “normal” person would.
See, what most people don’t know is that when you’ve experienced toxic mental and emotional abuse from a narcissist, you have a different agenda when it comes to getting in touch with his new girl – and, unless they’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, most people wouldn’t even believe you if you told them your reason.
If you’re currently or formerly involved with a narcissist, you already know what I’m going to say.
Narcissists tend to be attracted to empaths because we are hard-wired to directly respond to the emotions of others, especially when we love them (and/or live with them).
And in addition to falling among the HSP (highly sensitive people) type, we also FEEL for other people – and mostly, we’ve struggled so hard to get out from under what the narcissist did to us that we really don’t want to see another person go through the same kind of suffering and upset we did.
So, our reason for wanting to reach out to the narcissist’s new supply is different because it’s GENUINELY an attempt to help another person.
But, when it comes down to it, should you really try to warn the new supply about what she’s REALLY getting herself into? Does she deserve a warning?
Yeah, maybe she does. But should you say anything to her about it, or not?
Well, here’s the deal.
The Narcissist Has Been Hoovering and Love Bombing
You can already guess why his new relationship looks so pretty from the outside. He’s still in the courtship phase and she’s getting the standard love-bombing and hoovering package.
And, if you’ll remember correctly, you can likely think of at least one time where the narcissist said all kinds of horrible things about an ex or two and how awful she was to him, right?
When that happened, part of you probably resolved to never let that happen to him again, or to be the one who is “different” and makes him believe in love again (or whatever it was that you had to “save” him from).
You may have felt the need to protect him, even, and to build up his confidence – and to be his EVERYTHING.
So, let me ask you something – and I want you to be really, really honest with yourself here.
If one of those “crazy exes” had come up to you bac then and explained what she’d been through, how do you think you might have reacted?
Do you think you’d have hugged her and thanked her? Would you just ignore her, or would you have even told the narc all about it and sought some kind of validation that she was full of it?
I think we could probably agree that none of us (with the exception of someone who’d been previously involved in a romantic entanglement with a narc) would have hugged her and said thanks.
How to Deal with the Narcissist’s New Supply (and Why)
Obviously, you CANNOT tell the new love what to expect with the narcissist – because she won’t believe you, and because he will simply use it to further attach himself to her (and to make you look like a nut job – confirming all the crap he’s probably already said about you anyway).
So what do you do if you really like the new supply and you truly just don’t want to see her get hurt?
You suck it up, and you deal with it. You focus on yourself, your life, making it better.
Of course, if you’re REALLY worried, you can try to just be her friend and allow her to reach out if she’s got questions or concerns. (But remember – she’s YOU from the beginning of your relationship with this person. So what would you have done if the ex tried to be your friend?)
The only thing you can do is to let it go and move forward. That’s it.
So how do you deal? You focus as always on what you CAN control, and not what you want. And, if you ask me, you focus on creating the life you truly want and deserve – on TAKING BACK YOUR LIFE. And please, do not become a member of his newly expanded narcissistic harem.
Are you ready to do this? Breathe, and let’s move forward with writing your new future story. I promise, you won’t regret it.
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.