Thoughts on this post? Share them with me on Facebook, join the SPANily or Tweet me at @angieatkinson. ~Angie

They say that the best way to predict a person’s future behavior is to take a look at his or her past behavior – and when it comes to a toxic narcissist, this is almost unconditionally true. Should you warn new narcissistic supply

If you think about how you and your narcissist got together, do you remember how he treated you at the time? Do you remember the things he told you about past relationships?

And, if you’re in the process of leaving or you’ve already left, you may be dealing with watching him romance a new love – and it’s probably killing you inside. But maybe not for the same reason as everyone thinks.

Standard Breakups: Behavior and Relatable Anger

In most cases, when a couple breaks up or divorces and one of the two moves on with a new love, it can cause a lot of stress and trouble for the one left behind.

You wonder: is she better than me? Prettier? Smarter? Thinner? Better in bed?

And part of you kinda hates her guts; maybe even wishes horrible things would happen to her.

That’s pretty common – but obviously most healthy people wouldn’t act on those feelings, outside of maybe a snide remark here and there.

In some cases, you might even see ex-couples trying to “get revenge” on one another by contacting new partners and trying to sabotage the relationship.

Why It’s Different for a Narcissist’s Ex

When it comes to a former narcissistic supply, there’s a whole new element involved when it comes to her feelings toward the narc’s new victim…er…”love.”

And yes, this ex might also feel the need to get in touch with the narc’s new potential supply – but for a very different reason than a pissed off “normal” person would.

See, what most people don’t know is that when you’ve experienced toxic mental and emotional abuse from a narcissist, you have a different agenda when it comes to getting in touch with his new girl – and, unless they’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, most people wouldn’t even believe you if you told them your reason.

If you’re currently or formerly involved with a narcissist, you already know what I’m going to say.

Narcissists tend to be attracted to empaths because we are hard-wired to directly respond to the emotions of others, especially when we love them (and/or live with them).

And in addition to falling among the HSP (highly sensitive people) type, we also FEEL for other people – and mostly, we’ve struggled so hard to get out from under what the narcissist did to us that we really don’t want to see another person go through the same kind of suffering and upset we did.

So, our reason for wanting to reach out to the narcissist’s new supply is different because it’s GENUINELY an attempt to help another person.

But, when it comes down to it, should you really try to warn the new supply about what she’s REALLY getting herself into? Does she deserve a warning?

Yeah, maybe she does. But should you say anything to her about it, or not?

Well, here’s the deal.

The Narcissist Has Been Hoovering and Love Bombing

You can already guess why his new relationship looks so pretty from the outside. He’s still in the courtship phase and she’s getting the standard love-bombing and hoovering package.

And, if you’ll remember correctly, you can likely think of at least one time where the narcissist said all kinds of horrible things about an ex or two and how awful she was to him, right?

When that happened, part of you probably resolved to never let that happen to him again, or to be the one who is “different” and makes him believe in love again (or whatever it was that you had to “save” him from).

You may have felt the need to protect him, even, and to build up his confidence – and to be his EVERYTHING.

So, let me ask you something – and I want you to be really, really honest with yourself here.

If one of those “crazy exes” had come up to you bac then and explained what she’d been through, how do you think you might have reacted?

Do you think you’d have hugged her and thanked her? Would you just ignore her, or would you have even told the narc all about it and sought some kind of validation that she was full of it?

I think we could probably agree that none of us (with the exception of someone who’d been previously involved in a romantic entanglement with a narc) would have hugged her and said thanks.

How to Deal with the Narcissist’s New Supply (and Why)

Obviously, you CANNOT tell the new love what to expect with the narcissist – because she won’t believe you, and because he will simply use it to further attach himself to her (and to make you look like a nut job – confirming all the crap he’s probably already said about you anyway).

So what do you do if you really like the new supply and you truly just don’t want to see her get hurt?

You suck it up, and you deal with it. You focus on yourself, your life, making it better.

Of course, if you’re REALLY worried, you can try to just be her friend and allow her to reach out if she’s got questions or concerns. (But remember – she’s YOU from the beginning of your relationship with this person. So what would you have done if the ex tried to be your friend?)

The only thing you can do is to let it go and move forward. That’s it.

So how do you deal? You focus as always on what you CAN control, and not what you want. And, if you ask me, you focus on creating the life you truly want and deserve – on TAKING BACK YOUR LIFE.  And please, do not become a member of his newly expanded narcissistic harem.

Are you ready to do this? Breathe, and let’s move forward with writing your new future story. I promise, you won’t regret it.

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12 Responses to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Should you warn the new ‘supply’ about the narcissist?

  1. Your so right! It never works. The worst side effect of trying to warn the new supply is that the narc will use it to his/her advantage. “See what a crazy ex I have to deal with..they never loved me only used me for my money/sex/house/car/love…it breaks my heart to see her/him like this but with your help, I’ll get through…but its what I did for the kids/family/her-his sake…”..yada yada yada. It is the most common use so that the narc gets even more sympathy from the new supply. The main narc in my life even gets mad at me now for not going to the new-now-ready-to-dump-because-I’m-done-and-want-to-move-to-suppy on social media and real life met ups. Sadly, I fell into this ploy many, many times and went to the new supply to ‘warn’ her. And yep, each time she thought I was wrong, couldn’t be right cause narc was ‘such a nice guy’. Its very interesting to sit back and watch narc self destruct now that I’m no longer protecting or getting him out of messes of his own making. Admittedly, this took a huge amount of time and personal struggle to implement but its much more entertaining and gratifying to watch than trying to ‘save’ the new supply. Karma does work. Wait for it.

    • Definitely a good way to look at it Janna, especially if it helps you hold your tongue. Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I really help it hopes others to see that this behavior is so common – and that they’re not alone. Thank you! Hugs!

  2. I did it. I tried to warn the new supply. And she thought I was crazy and he ended up telling his whole family not to mention my name or even “his ex” in front of her. (I think because they were unwittingly saying things that confirmed the truth of what I was trying to tell her).
    I ended up feeling like a complete idiot. But in a way I’m glad I tried, because when she starts to sense “something is wrong here” like I did about 2 years in…. She’ll at least have the memory of what I told her to latch onto, if she cares to. At least someone told her the truth… No one said a word to me. I thought I was just crazy.
    I wouldn’t do it over again, but I did it. Now I don’t speak to her or him and barely look at either of them when m we exchange our daughter for his visits. I honestly don’t really care any more… I wish her the best and pray to God that she’ll recover, in the end, just as I did.

    • His new (old) supply is going through the same torment now and I really want to tell her. Just before I went through the absolute worst discard and even regrettably became part of his harem I was told by another woman what he is and how he treated her. At the time I chose to ignore her but I never ever thought she was nuts. As I tried to literally get my head out of my _ss (because figuratively that’s where it was) it was her words that pulled me out. Another woman also approached me and the same, I never thought she was nuts, I wondered why she would go through the effort of telling me all of that. – Knowing that I wasn’t the first one he treated badly. Knowing that I had been warned helped me realize it wasn’t me. That is was him. So with that in mind. Do I tell her? Will my warning to her help her pick herself up when she feels like its all her fault and is desperate to become something special in his eyes once again when she really, really doesn’t need to do that?

  3. The narcs new supply isn’t always a victim, sometimes they are just a narc as well and will delight in the emotional brutality while they try to prove themselves worthy of the narc.

  4. She deliberately wedged her way in, she herself wavering between him and the father of her daughter, and ultimately leaving him for my ex, who left me for her. I’m suspecting she might be a narc too. Half a year into their relationship, she changed her Instagram handle from “reckless daydreamer” (barf) to “fickle frenzy”. She’s made her bed, there is no way I’m getting near that mess again. Just seeing him on the street once, almost five months after the breakup, sent me into a downward anxiety spiral for two and a half weeks. If I come across bitter, it’s because I am. Well, back to focusing on my recovery, CBT has been really beneficial.

  5. It doesn’t work. I saw the guy that my ex-girlfriend of 2.5 years replaced me with(in front of my face, in public) at a local bar a few months after I left her. I had an overwhelming urge to introduce myself to him and give him fair warning about her. I also wanted to get some truth from him, because she has continued to lie about cheating on me with him. So I walked up to him, shook his hand, and introduced myself as her ex and that he was my replacement. He was visibly anxious, so I told him I was not there for a physical confrontation and that I had no beef with him, that it was her choice to do what she did in order to cause me pain. I warned him that she was a narcissist, was using him for his attention, and to be careful to not invest too much in a relationship with her. He took it well, divulged that they were in fact sleeping together,and didn’t know she was with someone when they started. So at least I had confirmation that she lied, after cheating(and continues to lie even though I know the truth). Knowing the truth gave me some closure, but the next day I received a text from her, so he obviously just ran back to her and told her of our encounter. I had been no contact with her for a month prior, so this just brought her back into my life. It did give me an opportunity to vent in a text response, and her responses were classic narc so it gave me confirmation of her disorder and speaking my peace gave me some relief. But it hasn’t stopped her from using him as a supply. Who knows, maybe when she discards him he’ll thank me and we can commiserate.

  6. I tried warning the new victim. Trust me, it isn’t worth it. I don’t know what he told her but he came round to my house, smashed several items in my kitchen, spat in my face and threatened physical violence. Three weeks later he tried it on with me. A year later he is still with the same victim and still trying it on with me as recently as a few days ago. Unfortunately I can’t avoid him totally because we share a child but they don’t change.

  7. You all tried to warn them face to face/they knew who you were, what about anonymous?

  8. Sorry, totally disagree with you. It is our duty to TRY. But do it only when you are over the whole saga and most important tell her that yes you did go ‘psycho’ for a while there & so did the exes before you. Then list why so many mentally healthy women became psychos and let her work out for herself who the common threat was to their mental stability. It will a sour taste in her mouth and if she doesn’t take notice immediately she will certainly keep an eye out and clip his wings. As long as your aim is not to destroy his life and to save hers, YES IT IS OUT DUTY TO TRY the rest is up to her. Make sure you block her after your warning as what happens next has no more to do with you.

  9. OMG, I really needed to read this today so thank you so much for posting it online and for having such an excellent blog. There is a lot of healing in identifying the problem Narc and knowing when to leave and when NOT that share your story with the “new supply”. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

  10. After reading several articles; I realized I had been dating a Narc. He is text book classic. I knew something was not weird when his pattern changed. I stopped by his house and there she was. All three in one room. Not only did he stand there in front of us and lied to us both. I was so angry that I looked like the crazy girl but I’m fact I wasn’t. I reached out to the new girl and she was nice and the things he said to her; he said to me. She also said that he said he was falling for her and telling her the truth. I even showed her texts of him asking me to come to over and where he said he was my boyfriend; but she wanted to have faith in him. I wanted to save her but then realized no matter what I said or what I showed her; she was going to see what she wanted as he is the love bombing stage. I hope I at least planted the seed with her. I wonder how she would feel if she knew he texted me just a few days ago? After all of this happened. Like we all were; the new is blinded by the charm.

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