Will the narcissist come back to you?
One of the most common questions people ask me early in their narcissistic abuse recovery is “Will the narcissist come back to me?” And sadly, I can often tell them yes, it’s highly likely. (See video here)
What is narcissistic recycling?
See, there are some narcissists who are infamous for their recycling habits – but not the good kind of recycling that helps save the earth. Instead of recycling garbage, these narcissists recycle people – specifically, people with whom they have relationships.
You might say that narcissists have their own personal harem dedicated to being dedicated sources of narcissistic supply.
In fact, when we are talking about a “narcissistic harem,” we are talking abt a group or “collection” of friends/admirers (AKA sources of narcissistic supply) that a narcissist gathers up to keep them topped up on their daily supply of love and admiration.
Since no single individual person could ever fill the void that is the hole inside a narcissist’s soul, they seek to fill it with whomever they can – and often these relationships are interchangeable.
How does “narcissistic recycling” work?
The narcissist has their group of “options” – AKA their little harem – and while there may be an occasional new addition or temporary member of the group, there are a few who remain in place for years or even decades.
As the narcissist cycles through the idealization, devalue, discard and hoover phase with one, they’re often in a different part of the cycle with another.
But in any case, the “re-idealization” part is often facilitated by the hoover maneuver.
You might think that it’s over – but very often, the narcissist has other ideas. in fact, more often than not, the narcissist will do something to suck you back into their drama – or even fully back into the relationship – using a technique called hoovering.
What is hoovering?
Hoovering, named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, is what we call it when the narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after you’ve left them or ended the relationship, or after they have discarded you. They may use some kind of personal problem or dramatic issue to pull you back in, or they may use love-bombing. Hoovering is always an attempt to obtain more narcissistic supply from you, and in many cases, it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship. It can also just be a manipulation tactic used to get you to break no contact.
What are the signs of a hoovering narcissist?
The first thing you need to remember here is that there is no level to which a narcissist won’t stoop – nothing is off-limits for them. Here are a few ways narcissists might engage in hoovering you. (Details on each are included in this video)
- Finally saying that one thing you’ve been dying to hear.
- Future faking you.
- Getting you involved in their drama.
- Accidentally “butt-dialing” you or sending you a text “meant for someone else.”
- Swearing that they can’t live without you.
- Engaging flying monkeys to do their dirty work.
- Suddenly recognizing the error of their ways.
- Using fear and intimidation to bully you.
How can you deal with hoovering?
The next question on the mind of every narcissistic abuse survivor is usually, “How can I avoid the hoover?” Here are a few of the most important things you can do.
- Remember that knowledge is power.
- Use the gray rock method.
- If possible, eliminate their ability to contact you.
- Focus on YOU for once!
- Reconnect with old friends, and make new ones.
Question of the day – have you been recycled by a narcissist? Are you worried you might be? Click here to share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video and let’s talk about it.