NPD does not evaporate with a change in relationship partners, counsel, nor a job change or new home, etc. There’s no new person or thing that makes the narcissist suddenly normal, rational, or better behaved. For those of us who dealt with a drug/alcohol-affected abuser, the eradication of intoxicants makes no difference–the personality disorder and its resulting abuse remain.
The disorder is ever present, and it is poured out into every relationship and interaction the narcissist has, not merely the romances–their children, parents, co-workers, service providers in the community, anyone and everyone (and yes…they are capable of manipulating therapists with their toxicity).
This is hard-wired in the brain and permanent.
NPD changes only in that it worsens with age.
Loving them doesn’t melt NPD away, never has over all of the history of abusiveness in humanity, and never will. There’s no surgery, therapy, psych med, or book/video series that cures this. It does not change with new living situations or changing jobs or partners…this is permanent.
An illustration of what “hard-wired” means in the human brain: Dr. George Simon, a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders, likens full-blown personality disorders to severe Autism. The likelihood of a severely Autistic individual changing is the same as someone with a full-blown personality disorder ever-changing – none.
The Cancer Illustration
Another illustration would be to imagine he has an inoperable malignant cancerous tumor–nothing can be done to eradicate or treat this. You are literally standing in front of this person, frantically saying, “But I love you…can’t you just not have cancer?”
There was a time when you were the shiny new relationship…and some previously discarded person was in pain as you are presently. She wondered if he’d somehow be perfect with you. Was he?? And the persons before her all wondered the same thing in reverse succession, and this will go on & on now with every new victim until he dies.
Patterns speak. Patterns shout.
We glibly toss around the word “evil” and think of monsters in movies…but no, the malevolence we have witnessed is the very heart of darkness itself.
The longer a victim continues to fight the truth of this, the longer the victim suffers. It is what you tell yourself now that matters, so change your internal dialogue to factual truth.
I’m living proof that it works.
Further Resources for Dealing with and Understanding the Narcissist’s New Relationship from Our Coaches
Jenney Moore is a lifelong resident of the Pacific NW, and a survivor of a 25-year abusive marriage. She stayed as long as she did simply due to being unaware of personality disorders.
“I’d never even heard the term, and was incredibly naïve…at every promise he made to change, I tearfully bought in again and again”, she remembers.
Finally leaving in 2012, she now works giving support in multiple Facebook abuse victims’ support groups including one she and several fellow admins started at New Year of 2019, and works as a senior administrative assistant for a major utility company.
She is a singer/musician, visual artist, fitness enthusiast, and shares her home with her daughter and son-in-law.