Toxic Relationships: Scientists Say THIS is Why Going No Contact is So Hard

Written by Angela Atkinson

“No Contact doesn’t mean No Contact except for x, y, and z. By No Contact, I mean NO — zero, nada, zilch — Contact. To use Freshmen Orientation parlance: No means no.” ~Shrink4Men.com

Why is it so hard to go no contact with a narcissist? 

So, you’re considering going “no contact” with your narcissist. And, you’re on your way to finally taking back your life. But, are you ready to leave? Have you already left, or are you still trying to decide what to do?

Since you’re here, reading this information, chances are that you’ve already figured out that you’re in a relationship with a toxic narcissist and that you at least need to consider going the “no contact” route, if you ever want to be happy again.

But, as I’m assuming you know, that’s a whole lot easier said than done, especially when the person in question is a close friend, family member, or significant other. And, if you’re honest, what you REALLY want to know is exactly what is causing you to want the narcissist still when they were so terrible and abusive to you, right?

In any case, you need to know something important: it’s not your fault that you feel so drawn to your abuser. Not technically, anyway. Walking away from a narcissist is going to take more than willpower. Let me explain.

What does it mean to go ‘No Contact’ with a narcissist?

If you’re not aware of what “no-contact” means in reference to narcissistic relationships, let’s start by defining it.

The Rules of NO Contact

The No Contact Rule, Defined

Simply put, the “no contact” rule is enacted when you end ALL contact with a pathological narcissist or toxic person. This includes but isn’t limited to the following.

  • Stop taking the narcissist’s phone calls.
  • Block them on all social media networks.
  • Do not schedule or encourage visits with the narcissist.
  • Stop seeing, speaking to, or in any way interacting with them.

It’s not rocket science. Then why is it so difficult to enact and then to stick to the no contact rule?

Toxic Love Addiction: The Main Reason Why Going No Contact is So Hard

Do you know how I wrote a book entitled Your Love is My Drug? There’s a scientific basis for the title: researchers say that romantic love is an addiction. As in, it affects the brain just like a drug.

Logically, you know you shouldn’t do things that are bad for you – like drugs. And toxic people who are bad for our lives – we all know we need to get/stay away. But, unfortunately, it’s just not always so easy.

Check out this book on narcissistic abuse recovery – Take Back Your Life: 103 Highly-Effective Strategies to Snuff Out a Narcissist’s Gaslighting and Enjoy the Happy Life You Really Deserve

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Romantic love stimulates the same area of the brain as addiction.

According to researchers, we’re biologically predisposed to this kind of behavior. See, there’s an evolutionary spin here – the loss of a potential baby-making mate would be bad for us as a species. On top of that, humans are hard-wired to develop bonds with other humans – another survival urge. Of course, in unhealthy relationships, this leads to trauma bonding.

Add together your biological need to bond and the need to keep your mate (or to feel great distress in the loss of them), and what do you have?

Narcissistic abuse leads to dysfunction and codependence.

It affects you like a drug, your relationship with this toxic person. And when you’re not getting the sweet poison, you might miss it. A lot like a crack addict might miss his fix. When you think of it like that, you must see that you’re not the problem here. You must see that only you can create change in your life and that only you can take the steps you need to take to take back your life. You deserve to be happy. Don’t forget that.

How do you stop being addicted to the narcissist? 

These researchers are helping us to connect some pretty amazing stuff, if you ask me. Stopping your addiction will be a process that is as complicated and difficult as trying to stop any other addiction, plus you’ll be launching a whole new “normal” in your life by ending a relationship in the process. It’s not going to be easy. But I promise it’s worth the effort, and you most definitely will not regret it when you are finally living in peace and tasting freedom from the toxicity you deal with when you’re connected to the narcissist in your life.

The process might involve therapy and/or working with a coach. You might choose to go it your own. Maybe you’ve got a friend or family member who understands and wants to help. But if you don’t, you wouldn’t be alone. That’s why we’ve created a simple, convenient way to support you and our other fellow narcissistic abuse survivors to get support during narcissistic abuse recovery. You can join one of our free online narcissistic abuse recovery groups and get support and advice from people who understand.

Tip: Want the best of both worlds?

If you’d like a way to meet with people in a face-to-face environment for support, you could even join one of our live Zoom call group coaching sessions. (These groups are even more effective in some ways than one-on-one coaching and we have had some pretty amazing testimonials from clients!) If you skip one “out to dinner” night a month, you’ll cover the cost of four sessions.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Related reading

Author

  • Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own. Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.

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