Are you, or were you, in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? If you are or were, take a moment and look at the following questions. In your mind, take a second to answer them as you go.
If you could say literally anything to your narcissist, what would it be? If you could say it without fear of repercussions and your narc would have no choice but to comprehend it – what would you say? What did/do you NOT say that you wish you had said?
I asked the members of my SPAN (Support for People Affected by Narcissism in relationships) group to tell me what they’d say if they could – and below, I’ve shared their answers. Some are kind of funny, but most will feel quite familiar on some level to anyone who is in, or who has been in a toxic relationship with a mentally or emotionally abusive narcissist.
- I’m up right now and you suck right now!
- I will NEVER let anyone treat me the way you have treated me EVER again!
- I’m going to be so much happier when you’re gone!
- If I had only known you were a sick narcissist, and you could never change, I would not have wasted 30 years of my life with you! I am so glad you are finally out of my life forever!
- Nothing. Because whatever I say will be turned in a convoluted way against me.
- You’re still that insecure little boy… and that’s the truth that will eat at you for life.
- My life is 100 percent better without you.
- If anyone ever spoke to you the way you spoke to ME, you’d hate that person.
- If you could feel how you make me feel you would hate yourself.
- There are things that ARE YOUR FAULT! You are not blameless and some of the problems in this marriage ARE because of YOU and YOUR BEHAVIOR. I am so frustrated by your stance that EVERYTHING is my fault, EVERYTHING that goes wrong is somehow seeded with me and my behavior. And when you know you have acted badly, it is ONLY in response to me and my behavior…. Doesn’t it seem a little ridiculous that ALL of our problems seed with me? Doesn’t it seem just a little out of whack that absolutely NOTHING is your fault? That it ALL lands at my feet?
- Stop saying, “she MADE me do it!” (where “it” could be flying into a rage, projecting and totally denying YOU have any responsibilities for your actions!) Only infants and animals can truly say they have no control for their own behavior. You are and adult. If nothing else don’t you realize using this classic ” wife beaters” type of blame shifting undermines your Adult status?!? Keep doing it and I’m afraid you’ll have to turn in your Membership in the Adults Only club and put your diaper back on.
- The narrative you keep telling yourself that places blame on everyone else for how crappy your life is and the idea that you “deserve” so much better… It’s a lie.
- I hate you, you took my life and turned it in to a life of fear you hurt me physically and emotionally I lost who i was because of you, I tried to love you but could never feel that connection with you. Stay the hell away from me.
- See you when you are 40, lost and all alone.
- 25 years ago, you told me that you would retire by the time you were 50. As a naïve young woman, I thought that meant that you had ambition and that you wanted to be successful. What I realize today is that you meant that I could do all the work and you would stay home, ride your dirt bike, and Live on my hard work. Well, you’re not quite 50 and you’re pretty well retired. Congratulations.
- Give me a break, kiddy punk.
- I see you. I know what and who you are. I appreciate and acknowledge the moment of truth you shared when you told me you were numb inside and felt nothing.
- I hope you find peace. And I really mean it.
- “You ain’t shit, you will never be shit or have a woman better than me or a good woman period. You never loved me and I have no love for you. You are dead to me. All your lies and scandalous behavior and the way you jumped into another relationship proves that your sick and will never be happy. Never experience real love, your homeless, your mom and sister are ashamed of you and even warned me about you. You are a insecure, fat boy who only cared about himself but not enough to love yourself. I pity you. I’m free of you now so go suck your new victim dry while I continue to succeed with my degrees, my jobs, my friends, my family and my home. Enjoy your mother’s couch and your new victims 3 kids. Don’t ever contact me again.”
- “You can fool a lot of people for a time, you fooled me for a long time, but you cannot ever fool God and that’s who you have to face now.”
- I knew you were having an affair and you denied it. I know, you know and God knows he went mad at first but then confessed as he thinks and believes he’s been a Christian for over 30 yrs.
- What makes you think I am your property? Why can’t you interact with your children instead of leaving them to just me? We are suppose to be a family which means the children need a mom and a dad. Why do you feel the need to work so much? Why did you abandon me and our children? Why do you blame me for your acts? Your sense of entitlement disgusts me and as a result your son is acting accordingly. Why would you berate and insult your children?
- I was a fool to keep trying to convince you that I was on your side.
- I am so sorry that you suffered as a child. I wish that you could have had a different upbringing. I loved you but you hurt me so badly that I cannot look at you with Love again. I understand that it doesn’t matter to you, but thank you for shining a light on MY flaws. You gave me 3 beautiful children and for that I am grateful. I wish you well in your new marriage and for me I hope to someday forgive you and find peace. I wish eternally that I didn’t need to learn the lessons that I have but In doing so I have grown into someone who is stronger, wiser, mature and more educated.
- You succeeded in destroying my heart just like you wanted to, but you didn’t destroy my soul, and my heart healed. I’m happy again. You’re still miserable. I win. You lose.
- The way your (narcissistic) mother treats you, is exactly how you treated me.
- I deserve better.
- I wish there was a vaccine to spare others from suffering this fate.
- Do you want to know where your’re going when you die? To hell. Straight to hell.
- You are an ugly person with an awful personality. Everything you say about me is what you should be telling yourself. You are fake and a loser. You have a drinking problem and act like a little annoying kid when you drink. You should stop making kids and take care of the ones you already have. Grow up!
- I already had your funeral.
- You used me just to get two kids out of me. But at least I can say they are my greatest achievements. They have empathetic and loving hearts & are considerate. Which they did not get from you.
- You are a fake and the worst kind of hypocrite, judging every pastor you heard speak yet having the audacity to continue preaching after you put your hands on your wife and threatened her. You make me sick, literally. I wish so much that I never met you!
- I gave you everything; my trust, my love, my 20s (10years), my heart and soul, and you used it to abuse me. You played with it without regard to me and only in regards to what you could squeeze from me- for your enjoyment to put you at ease. You told me it was my fault, and after my childhood and then the years with you, being slowly undermined, I believed you and I stayed. I stayed and I tried and I gave and I gave and I gave. I’m glad I hit bottom so hard and woke up and realized who and what you are, behind the dream of you of us, before I was lost completely or was killed. I’m glad you are gone from my life, I could cry everyday forever from the relief of it.
- Thank you for showing me what I needed to work on to make myself better and complete. I feel bad that you felt so empty at times to hurt someone who cared so much for you, someone who’d have given his life for you…but not bad for myself…bad for how much pain you must have been in and still are in to do what you did. I hope one day you can look back and smile that someone loved you from the bottom of his heart and I hope one day you can heal from whatever wounds caused you to act the way you did.
- You know that self esteem you tried to take from me? Turns out, I get to keep it when you’re gone.
- I loved to love, and you used it as some selfish game.it felt empty giving to you .how could you not feel or see the hurt and humiliation you caused. how could I have kept giving to you after yrs of getting nothing from you but lies secrets and abuse. and you said it was all my fault. how can doing nice things for someone be wrong, how can trusting someone to notice who says they love you. I now have to learn who I am and where im going to learn not to be co-dependent on you.
- Please get help. If you don’t, your next partner will be your next victim. I’m just glad that’s not me anymore.
- I hate you to your core. You’re a liar of stupid lies. Not even good lies. You’re heart is black. You never take responsibility for anything you’ve done no matter what the crime was or who was hurt, because you are a coward. Thank you for showing me how brave I am, how honest I am, how loving and caring I am. You will die a lonely pathetic old man with only his guilt ridden nightmares to keep you company. I feel sorry for you. I pity you. You’re as pathetic as they come.
- I would say nothing because they hear and understand nothing. Waste of my time, and emotion. I just would have left sooner if I had it all to do again.
- You’re a liar a cheat a fraud a con man – not a Christian like you claim to be. You’re a dirty old man and look a fool you need help as you have the need to have young girl hang around you all the time at the age of 62!
- So you stole from me as well?! What a vile, cretinous individual you are.
- No surprise really. After all you slowly stole my energy, my light, love and my soul. Because you have none of your own. Well I’ve taken it back.
- I know exactly what’s behind your bullshit mask: Evil.
- I pity you. It must be awful being you… A soulless, friendless, vacuous carcass. The hate I feel for you is superseded only by the hate you feel for yourself. You insides are so dark you daren’t look in, instead you live in the reflection of yourself in others. You are so desperate… You can’t survive without a source of fuel. Someone with beautiful energy that you can drain. One after the other after the other, victim after victim. You idealise us, then you devalue us… Then you discard us when we no fuel your insatiable ego. Or in this case, they discard you.
- You tried to break me. Unlucky. Every day I’m apart from you I grow stronger. You’d do well to move further down than Brighton babe…I suggest you go back to Hell.
- I out-shine on my darkest of days your evil, and that’s what you hated the most! Well I make no apology, instead, I thank you , I thank you for appearing on my path to reflect that truth
back to me. And now that I see, your job is done. You may now naturally step off of my path for ever. Thank you. Job done!
- Leave me alone. I’m not wasting any more words, time or emotions on your pathetic excuse for a human being.
- I would have never married you if I had known you were a soulless lying jerk only alive for your own selfishness.
- I truly feel sorry for your latest girlfriend. She has no clue about your future faking, love bombing, hovering a hole self.
- I regret the day I met you, if I could erase it all I would, and I’m taking (our dog).
- I do not want to ever see your face or hear your voice again. If you ever accidentally run into me anywhere turn and go the other direction. I will do the same. You are dead to me.
- All the things I told you in good faith to try wake you up from how you treated me, that you twisted and said I was emotionally abusing you. I get to watch them all come true and play over and over again in your life….while mine gets better and better. Thank you for making me stronger and happier and so much more grateful of all the good things in my life. I’ll make sure our son is not damaged as much as you were in childhood so that I break the cycle.
- I loved you. I wanted to love you. It hurts that you can’t find your way to love me back. Being mad at you for the way things developed does me no good so I won’t do that. My only true mistake was staying for so long hoping things would be different. I win’t apologize for being good to you – I wanted to – but I also won’t apologize for having hoped that you could be good to me in something like an equal way. It’s not too much to want or to ask. I am sorry that whatever happened to you to make you this way had to happen. I don’t think you’ll ever know what you are missing by not being able to truly love anyone else and that is the biggest sadness.
- “Why, oh why would you ever purposely create a wedge between my only daughter, my favorite aunt, my best friend of 40 years, and countless other people, destroying my precious relationships? Why did you always pinch me under the table while dining with any members of your family? Why did you find it necessary to always talk to me and treat me like a child? Why did you always tell everyone that you couldn’t “trust” me?
- Why? Why? did you do this to me and continue to do it? As you say, “we are not together.”
- You can’t say you care and love soneone and treat them like you have have been treating me.
- Thanks for jeopardizing my HEALTH and my SANITY. And for expecting me to only care about yours.
- I survived.
- I’m better now than the day I met you.
- How does it feel? How does it feel to bully your whole family,your parents my parents for not giving me up again to you. How does it feel that you have no one to turn to anymore,that now everyone around you has opened their eyes to your malicious bullying and threats that wont hold up anymore all because you wanted was everyone to be on your side.Made me feel that this was all my fault. Making me be someone or something Im not.Making me mean, angry, hating myself. Do you think I was always this way? How many times do you think I will allow you to hold things against me. I’m done. I mean it this time. I had to literally move out of the state to get away from you tormenting me. Nothing will compare to what you have done. Its sad. Keep on trying to find me. I told you before I will NEVER, NEVER COME BACK! You’re a worthless piece of shit! Thank god your new supply is exactly like you – a narcissist too! I can’t wait for her to do what you’ve done to me for years!
- You’re gonna die old and alone!
- So, you are the nicest person and biggest victim in the universe?
- I’m just so sad after 3 years of trying to follow all your critisisms i still wasnt “good enough” in your eyes. You had someone who loved you unconditionally but you judged, bellitled and used every vunerabilty and insecurity i shared with you against me later. Stored them up for amo. Who does that? I never judged you i just wanted to love you and its so sad to me that that love could never be enough to get you to feel it and to have any true connection and empathy for me. I still miss you but you broke me. And now i gotta love me first and heal myself. Thankyou for showing me that i deserve better.
Any of this stuff feel familiar to you? Share your own below – what would YOU say to a narcissist, given the opportunity to force one to understand?
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.