Narcissistic mothers are the queens of manipulation. They are experts at getting their own way. Their most powerful tool is your guilt. Your narcissistic mother will guilt-trip you with the memory of how difficult she had it when she brought you into this world, or how much she sacrificed to ensure that you had, what she thinks that you have – a good life.
Narcissistic Mothers Are Verbally and Emotionally Abusive.
Do narcissistic parents have a handbook? You might think so when you hear what I’m going to share with you today. After a poll of the SPANily Support Group for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, I’ve compiled a list of the most commonly used phrases by narcissistic mothers.
What is a narcissistic mother?
A narcissistic mother is a (generally) female parent who may have either narcissistic personality disorder or pathological narcissist traits. She is neglectful, controlling, abusive, or otherwise toxic to her children. Narcissistic mothers are known to be toxic, or disordered, or malignant. They are genuinely different from ordinary mothers in some very specific ways. Narcissistic mothers have so little capacity for empathy that they don’t recognize the needs and feelings of other people as having any validity or relevance. Many of their adult children become one of two things: a narcissist themselves, or a victim of one.
- A narcissistic mother will do anything to get her own needs met, without regard for anyone else’s.
- Her children are just objects to be used to satisfy her desires, no different than objects she might purchase or collect. She doesn’t really see them as people, and she certainly doesn’t see them as equals.
- Her goal is to make her children meet her emotional needs rather than the other way around. She wants what she wants; it’s irrelevant whether her children want the same thing.
- Her children are not people with feelings and needs of their own; they are extensions of her. They exist only to make her look good or feel good about herself. She may love them, but only in the sense that she “loves” things that serve her; they are not allowed to have an existence separate from hers, nor a future that does not involve being a part of hers.
- The children learn quickly that their role is to satisfy their mother’s needs and desires, and that they exist only as extensions of her. Many grow up into adults who have a hard time making decisions or going after what they want because they have been trained to think primarily of others’ feelings rather than their own.
Can narcissistic mothers change?
Is any narcissist capable of change? As narcissistic personality disorder (and/or narcissistic traits) are unlikely to be resolved and often have roots in childhood trauma, narcissistic mothers are unlikely to change. A narcissistic mother has an extreme need for admiration, power, or control, combined with other traits of narcissism, including arrogance, lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement, among others. As I’m sure you’ve deduced by now, a narcissistic mother is unlikely to have the willingness or even the ability to create genuine and positive change on any significant level.
How do you know if you’ve been raised by a narcissistic mother?
If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you were likely, at the very least, subjected to emotional abuse. If this is the case, you’ll recognize the tell-tale traits of someone who has been raised by a narcissistic mother.
What are the signs of narcissistic abuse by your mother?
- Sometimes, she liked you. Other times, someone else got to be her golden child. Narcissist mothers will often shower affection and praise on others only to withdraw it when you fail to meet their standards.
- The child of a narcissist can be hurt in many different ways because of the manipulations and expectations set upon him or her.
- You might feel guilty for not meeting expectations or become overly reliant on the parent for approval and acceptance. It is important for these individuals to seek help through therapy so they can learn to cope with their feelings and move forward.
- Children of narcissistic mothers often suffer from low self-esteem and depression. They are at higher risk of becoming narcissists themselves.
- See what it means to self-identify as a child of narcissistic parents.
How are narcissistic mothers different with their sons than their daughters?
“Sons of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women,” says Darlene Lancer, LMFT, at Psychology Today.
Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only unwanted aspects of themselves, such as self-centeredness, obstinance, selfishness, and coldness, but also disliked traits of their own mothers. They may prefer their son, although they can harm him in other ways, such as through emotional incest.”
63 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
While you might want to believe that your parents love you, the sad truth is they might not. Narcissistic mothers say hurtful and insensitive things because they’re narcissists and they even consider your feelings. They’re selfish and only care about themselves and their needs.
Narcissistic mothers say hurtful and insensitive things because they’re narcissists and they don’t care about you. They’re selfish and only care about themselves and their needs. It is an unfortunate fact that most narcissistic moms manipulate their children in order to meet their own personal needs. They use guilt trips to get what they want from you which is sad because children should be able to depend on their parents for unconditional love.
How many times have you heard these hurtful statements from your mother?
Things narcissistic mothers say when you’ve made a choice they don’t agree with
- You only did that to hurt me!
- You’re so ungrateful.
- You never stop to think.
- You are SO selfish!
- This is never going to work.
Things narcissistic mothers say when you’re upset or crying about something and they are annoyed by your emotions, which they feel are not real or relevant.
- Get over it.
- You’re so dramatic.
- I’ll give you something to cry about.
- I told you so.
- Why do things always affect you more than other people?
- These are the choices that you have made.
Things narcissistic mothers say when you attempt to confront them about anything
- What is wrong with you? You’re making too much out of nothing.
- I never did that, you are just sensitive, I don’t remember it that way.
- I don’t care.
Things narcissistic mothers say when you have proved them wrong or have a different opinion than they do
- You think you’re SO smart!
- I have no idea what you’re talking about.
- Who told you that? You’re so gullible; you can’t believe everything people say.
Things narcissistic mothers say when you question their authority
- Don’t you dare look at me like that.
- Get that look off your face before I slap it off.
- Who do you think you are?
- How DARE you question me?
Things narcissistic mothers say when they’re guilt-tripping you
- I will die without you.
- You’re breaking my heart.
- You are the reason your father and I divorced.
You only care about yourself.
- I’ve given up my whole life for you!
- You owe me this (because I gave you life)
- I’m the only one who will ever really love you.
- You’re ungrateful.
Things narcissistic mothers say when they are tearing you down and devaluing you
- You were a mistake. Everything in my life is your fault, because you were born.
- You’re just like (insert awful individual here)!
- You’re never going to amount to anything. I don’t know whose child you are.
- I’m so ashamed of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
- No one will ever love you. No one will ever want you.
- You are worthless.
- You’re immature.
- You don’t deserve to be happy.
- Just wait till your father gets home!
- It’s a shame you don’t have any friends. People would like you more if you weren’t so ______.
- Everyone else agrees that you’re horrible/lazy/stupid/otherwise unsavory.
Things narcissistic mothers say when they are jealous of you
- You’re such a Polly Anna, always with your rose-colored glasses on!
- You think you’re so pretty/smart/good
- You’re a (insert rude term here) and you are only trying to get attention!
- Guys only like you because you’re a (insert rude term here), or girls only like you for your money.
- People always used to tell me I was pretty.
- You’re ugly on the inside.
Things narcissistic mothers say when they are issuing back-handed compliments
- You’re so smart but you have zero common sense
- You would be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds
- Your house is so clean! No wonder your two-year-old can’t read yet.
- That dress is so pretty! It would look great on your sister.
- I’m so proud of your accomplishment – obviously, you get it from me.
Things narcissistic mothers say when they are having delusions of grandeur
- I am not capable of lying! How dare you accuse me of that?
- Everyone wishes they could have a mother like me.
- Calm down! You’re being irrational!
- I’ll never understand how I gave birth to a horrible child like you.
- I can’t believe you’re no good at ______. You should be successful at _______ because you’re MY child!
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support & Resources for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers
If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
You have to decide what to do from here – if you’re not sure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. It’s free. Are you looking for more personal support? You might like to join one of our private small-group coaching sessions, or you might prefer to check out our one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery counseling and coaching sessions.
Take the Toxic Mom Test
Could your own mother be a narcissist? Take this free self-assessment to find out whether your mom is or was a toxic person who might be a malignant narcissist, or not.
Is your parent a narcissist? If so, these resources will be helpful for you.
- If you’re looking for traditional narcissistic abuse recovery therapy, just be sure to interview your therapist ahead of time, even if that means you just chat with them by phone or video chat before your first appointment. To make sure they are qualified and will understand your situation, you’ll just need to ask the right questions ahead of time – take a look at our recommended list of therapist interview questions right here.
- Still not sure your parent is a narcissist? Take our toxic mother test for some additional insight, right here.
- Already know you’ve dealt with a narcissist mother? Get the support you need! Join our free online narcissistic abuse recovery support group for the adult children of narcissistic parents.
- Looking for more personal support? You might like to join one of our private small-group coaching sessions, or you might prefer to check out our one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery counseling and coaching sessions.
- You can also sign up for our email newsletter service for absolutely free for an enhanced narcissistic abuse recovery experience.
Useful Info on Toxic Mothers
- Books for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers
- Inner Child Healing
- Self-Identifying as the Adult Child of a Narcissist
- Recovering From a Narcissist Mother
Resources & Support for Adult Children of Narcissists
- Adult Children of Narcissists Support Group
- Self-Identifying as an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents
- Identifying Toxic Family Relationships
- 5 Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissistic Mother
- Effects of Being Raised by a Narcissist
- How to Explain Going No Contact With a Narcissistic Parent
- Are Narcissists Jealous of their Children?
More Free, Helpful Information & Resources to Help You Recovery From Your Narcissistic Mother
- Overcome Brain Fog and Cognitive Dissonance With This Free Cognitive Dissonance Toolkit
- Take the Codependency Quiz
- The Codependency Triangle
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery FAQ Pages
- Other Free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups
- Sign up for our email newsletter service for absolutely free for an enhanced narcissistic abuse recovery experience.