Have you ever met someone who was always happy to help you out of a jam, but who always did so with strings attached? You know the kind I mean. The ones who will cover your rent when you lose your job, or who will loan you a few bucks for groceries when you’re a bit short because you had to pay for something unexpected. Or maybe you know someone who gives big, expensive gifts, or who makes generous, sweeping gestures that impress everyone they know. Or someone who would “literally give you the shirt off their back if you needed it.”
Or someone who isn’t really even much of a giver, but who very occasionally demonstrates a monumental act of kindness, or who saves the day in some unexpected but somehow life-saving way every now and then?
Meet the Altruistic Narcissist
If you ever met a generous narcissist, one who goes out of their way to be charitable in some way or to “save the day” whenever possible, you know that there are nearly always strings attached to any kindness they dole out. This kind of person is called an “altruistic narcissist,” or one who uses their ability to give as a way to gain control of the people around them.
The Robinhood Technique: The Altruistic Narcissist’s Most Common Manipulation Tactic
If you love a narcissist, you might be familiar with a form of manipulation I like to call the “Robin Hood” technique. You know, Robin Hood – the character who jumped off the pages and into the classrooms, movie screens, and televisions because he chose to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Except with a narcissist, the giving looks more like material generosity – at least to people from the outside.
Toxic, Misanthropic Generosity: With Strings Attached
Sharon Spano, Ph.D., says that not all giving is created equal.
“Regardless of their financial status, the narcissist gives whether they have money or not,” Spano says. “However, they give from a depraved sense of self.”
She adds that in extreme cases, “this type of individual may be addicted to giving, even willing to go into debt. The giving, you see, is more about looking good than it is generosity.”
In my experience, everything that a narcissist gives you comes with strings attached. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard a narcissist say something like, “I can’t believe you won’t (do whatever I want). I mean, I gave you (whatever the gift/bait is)!”
Narcissistic Injury and the ‘Poor Me’ Act
It’s exhaustive, to say the very least – and when they don’t get what they want, narcs will go immediately into a standard victim/martyr mode: “poor me, nobody cares about me, I give and I give and nobody appreciates all that I do, blah blah blah.”
Around here, we call that narcissistic injury. And speaking of the side-effects that come along with this kind of misanthropic generosity, there’s one in particular that can make life even harder for the ones who live with or love the narcissist.
What is Narcissistic Injury?
Narcissistic Injury is what happens when a narcissist gets upset, hurt, or offended about being treated like an average, normal person, or when they don’t get special treatment or favors, or literally anytime they don’t get what they want. In other words, it’s a common narcissist manipulation tactic and also a demonstration of their lack of impulse control and emotional immaturity.
Narcissistic injury is often used in combination with narcissistic rage to get what they want from a target.
It’s All About Control: The Tradeoffs for a Narcissist’s Kindness
Yep, this grandiose form of generosity often has an even uglier side-effect for them. As I said, narcissists will often use their ability to give “stuff” to people as a way to exert some level of control over their lives.
“The narcissist knows the most dependable source of supply is to make another person dependent on them, so they encourage dependence,” says blogger Anna Valerious. “They know that being dependent is habit-forming so they are anxious to encourage you to this end. It makes for a steady source of narcissistic supply for them.”
And of course, it’s all calculated – a narcissist doesn’t do anything without considering what they’ll get out of the deal. That’s not altruism. Don’t let the narc fool you! All they’re doing is making sure you feel good and indebted to them so you’ll stick around and be their narcissistic supply.
But those who aren’t inside the narcissist’s quietly controlling bubble can’t be as easily controlled; and the narcissist needs those people to be impressed and in some ways, dependent on him.
NFWB: How a Narcissist Gets a Smart Person Under Their Control
Anyone they live with and in any way support will often be reminded of where they might otherwise be – but outsiders need a little more coaxing before they’ll start to submit to the narc.
Ever have an NFWB (Narcissist Friend with Benefits)?
By providing benefits to outside friends, they cement their friends’ loyalty to them. In their twisted mind, the narcissist creates a sense of obligation for their friends by being a misanthropic altruist. That’s precisely why they must continue to do whatever is necessary to get the attention they so clearly desires. But what happens if the narcissist isn’t rich? What if they use up all of your family’s resources trying to impress people who don’t matter?
What if they give away your things, your food, your kids’ toys? And if they do, what if you complain? They will likely make a point of belittling you for not being “better” in some way.
As it turns out, you might come to a sad realization: you realize that this is all part of a grand cycle, one that could continue forever. So, what do you do next? In many ways, it’s all up to you. In fact, according to listened professional counselor Marci B. Stiles, it all starts with a simple ability to understand the situation on a logical level.
“Understanding is often the first step towards fixing or modifying the problem,” Stiles says. “Narcissists can cause a lot of pain and it is important for people to know the attributes of a narcissist so they can protect themselves and develop coping strategies.”
Learn more about altruistic narcissists in this video, plus ways to deal with them.
Need help developing coping strategies for dealing with an altruistic narcissist?
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources
- The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
- Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups – We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
- One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
- Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
- Where Are You in Recovery? You might not be sure exactly where you fit in and what level of recovery you’ve achieved. If that’s the case, you’ll want to check out this self-assessment to help you determine exactly where you fall in the stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Once you finish and submit the assessment, you will be given resources for your own situation, along with recommendations of which groups to join.
- Which Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is Right for You? If you aren’t sure which program you want to utilize to facilitate your recovery from narcissistic abuse, this self-assessment will help you decide.
- Check out my book entitled Your Love is My Drug: How to Shut Down a Narcissist, Detoxify Your Relationships & Live the Awesome Life You Really Deserve, Starting Right Now.
- Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury: What You Need to Know
- Free Help for Victims of Narcissism and Gaslighting
- What Happens when Love turns into Rage
- Now You See It, Now You Don’t: The Many Faces of Narcissism
- Narcissism Exposed: This is What Happened After Sam Vaknin Gaslighted Me on Facebook
- Like Extroverts, Introverts Can Also Be Prone To Narcissism
- Are You An Introvert – Or Are You Maybe an Undercover Narcissist?
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.