Have you ever wondered why you can’t resist a narcissist? Or why they make you feel so good? Or why you keep ending up with them?
Did you ever think about the fact that, when you first realized you were in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, you looked around your life and found one or more other toxic people in your inner circle?
Why are narcissists and codepdendents so often connected?
You hate to admit it, but you’ve been in relationships with narcissists before, maybe more often than you even realize. You might be a bit oversensitive – some people call you an empath – and maybe you have a pretty strong need to please others.
That explains why the narcissist might be attracted to you, right?
But then why are you attracted to them, especially when you know better?
It’s easy – they’re charming, they were complimentary towards you, they were nice and courteous – everything that you want in a partner – at least at first.
Are you a magnet for narcissists?
I used to think I was a magnet for narcissists. Then I learned about what kind of codependent people attract narcissists.
The mysterious force that causes you to keep ending up with a narcissist, despite the patterns you’ve realized, the mistakes you’ve made, and the lessons that you’ve learned, has been linked by researchers to John Bowlby’s attachment theory and your own attachment style.
So, the fact that narcissists and codependents find one another irresistible really isn’t all that mysterious. In fact, we’ve got the science to prove it.
How does attachment style make you so irresistable to narcissists (and vice versa)?
The attachment style you developed very early in life is responsible for a lot of your current behaviors.
Your particular attachment style leads to codependency, which attracts narcissists and leads you to compulsive caregiving and being a “fixer” who finds value in people-pleasing and taking care of the needs of others as you ignore your own.
No matter how much they care, no matter how much they need you and depend on you, these relationships are not healthy or happy on any level – the other person is simply selfish and reckless. And that’s putting it mildly.
This is exactly why your subconscious brain is wired to seek out validation, which makes you susceptible to becoming narcissistic supply. narcissists are drawn to you just as much as you’re drawn to them – and neither of you can really do anything about it.
Is there any way to make it work with a narcissist?
Sadly, you won’t be able to work it out with a narcissist in a mutually satisfying way where you can both be happy. There are many reasons this is true – and it’s not just my opinion.
Bottom line: while it’s alluring to believe that you can be with a narcissist and still feel good about yourself, the reality is that when you involve yourself with a narcissist, you’re embarking on a one-way journey that leads to inevitable suffering.
The only way to resolve this is for you to break away from the narcissist – how long you’ve been involved with them is irrelevant.
The unfortunate truth is that you’ve got to go no contact and get healthy, eventually.
Otherwise, your relationships will always be unhealthy, your self-esteem will never fully recover, and no matter how close to perfect your relationship may seem superficially (in other words, it’s never as good as it seems or as bad as it seems), there will always be something amiss in the long run.
Are you codependent?
Try our free codependency test here. If you are codependent, learn to relate to the narcissist as you would an addict.
Recognize that narcissists are not capable of empathizing with others and know that the only people they care about is themselves.
One final takeaway we would like to offer you is this: in your journey towards narcissistic abuse recovery, don’t be afraid to reach out for help, whether you have a friend or family member who can help, or you need help from others who may understand better.
For example, here at QueenBeeing Narcissitic Abuse Recovery Support, you might like to:
- Join one of our free online narcissistic abuse recovery support groups!
- Join one of our private small coaching groups!
- Get private, one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching or counseling.
- Get a therapist who will work with you online. Check out our guide to finding a therapist or psychologist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
- Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.
You can also:
- Sign up for our free email newsletter service that includes a free guided recovery experience via your inbox.
- Start your narcissistic abuse recovery here with our free narcissistic abuse recovery support system and program.
- Take one of our quizzes.
Narcissists do not want you to seek treatment – they will actually fight against it. But don’t let that stop you from moving forward. Seeking out help can bring along a long healthy life and peaceful relationships.