Marital First-Aid: How to Stop a Divorce That Doesn’t Need to Happen

Marital First-Aid: How to Stop a Divorce That Doesn’t Need to Happen

“But marriage goes in waves. You’ve got to be patient. People bail and give up on their marriages way too early. They just don’t put the work and the effort into it. You’ve got to suck up your ego a lot of times, because that can be a big downfall.” ~Anna Benson

How to Stop Divorce Now

My husband and I have been together nearly 15 years, and we just celebrated our tenth anniversary.

I’m here to tell you that it ain’t all hearts and flowers. Marriage is HARD sometimes, especially when you’re in it for the long haul.

If you’re like me, you had some pretty unrealistic ideas of marriage in your head somewhere along the way.

While we all dream of hearts and flowers and awesomeness, the truth is that while you marriage can be the best thing that ever happened to you, there are times when you begin to wonder if you made the right choice.

I’m not going to give you all the standard divorce statistics, because I know you already know that more than half of marriages end in divorce these days. That’s not what you’re here for – you’re here because you are wondering whether or not you can save your marriage – you want to know if it’s possible to make your husband fall in love with you again. Or maybe you need to fall back in love yourself. 

Or perhaps you’re just staring down the barrel of a divorce and you don’t know what to do. 

Related: The Free Get Your Ex Back Toolkit 

Even when you’re married to a relatively decent person, unless you’re in the middle of it, it’s almost impossible to explain the extreme levels of stress that can happen in various situations over the years of a marriage.

Related Reading: How to Be a Hot Wife: Become the Kind of Woman Every Man Wants to Marry (And Every Woman Secretly Wants to Be)

An Example of a Divorce That Didn’t Need to Happen: Kate and the Would-Be Soulmate

A friend of mine, let’s call her Kate, has recently divorced from a man she spent most of her adult life searching for – one she once firmly believed was her soulmate. 

Their situation isn’t unique, sadly, it’s all too familiar – a seemingly healthy, 10-year marriage that appears to suddenly end. 

In this particular case, the odds were stacked against them early-on, thanks to several very serious family tragedies that occurred or were brought to light within the first two months of their marriage. 

Literally as soon as they returned home from the honeymoon, they were bombarded with a life-changing tragedy. 

Fast-forward a decade, and they’re completely separate on emotional levels, they no longer have sex and they just aren’t feeling it anymore. He says he wants a divorce; she suggests counseling. 

Related Post: The Will & Jada Smith Guide to a Divorce-Proof Marriage

When it’s all over, they go their separate ways, and their family is destroyed. 

So what went wrong for Kate and her would-be soulmate?

  1. When the family tragedies came to light, they initially pulled together, and it seemed like they’d make it. But as the news grew grimmer, the couple’s resolve to stick together was challenged by their individual emotions and personal beliefs on the topic. 
  2. As their ways of dealing with the issues varied, so did their needs for support. She needed to talk it out and see action be taken. She also had occasional emotional meltdowns that he didn’t know how to handle. This further pressed in the wedge that had already started to develop between them. 
  3. They had money problems and differences in the way they handled money. She was frugal and thrifty, while he was more relaxed and less concerned with his credit. To her, he seemed careless and lazy; to him, she appeared rigid and controlling. 
  4. He switched jobs often, and she felt this was bad for him and their financial situation. Sometimes he didn’t have a job. She felt that he needed to step it up and be a man. 
  5. When she wanted to be heard and wanted to see him take action, she emasculated him, cut him down emotionally and generally felt dissatisfied with him. Her perception of him changed; she began to see him as a loser. He, of course, felt this and pulled away even more. 
  6. This caused more tension, of course, and led to his seeking solace in other people – on a platonic level. These friends ultimately helped to solidify his plan to leave. 
  7. Between the lack of physical and emotional intimacy and the tension in the house, the couple became more like business partners who barely spoke and weren’t even really friends anymore. 
  8. Kate completely disengaged and looked for solace in her friends and support network. Her husband reached out on rare occasion, only to be met with coldness and/or her inability to let go of the issues. 
  9. Despite the fact that they loved one another and once called each other soulmate, the two had become virtual strangers. The communication lines were completely closed while the two of them licked their wounds and tried to figure out what to do next. 
  10. Finally he dug in his heels, refusing to bend any longer. She eventually saw that the marriage could be saved, but sadly, by the time she was ready to give a little and work with him to make the it work, he had already mentally left the relationship. Divorce was imminent. 

While Kate’s story is just one example of a marriage that didn’t need to end, I wonder how many of us felt a little uncomfortable reading their story. 

Did you recognize any of yourself there? Do you worry that your marriage could use a bit of “divorce-proofing” if your’e going to make it? 

Let’s start with a little marital first aid. 

Marital First Aid: Three Keys to Re-Igniting the Flame in Your Marriage

If you’ve been married more than a few months, you’ve probably wondered once or twice if you made the right choice.

And you’re not alone, my friend. We’ve all been there. We meet someone and, over time, grow to love him or her.

If we’re lucky and play our cards right, the object of our affection agrees to a blending of lives. But one day you wake up and your spouse blurts out that they no longer feel the same – and suddenly, you’re on a mission to reignite the flames in your marriage.

You are ready to stop divorce now, before it’s too late.

When Married Life Doesn’t Match Up to Your Expectations

Maybe your married life wasn’t what you expected it would be. Referring back to our friend Kate, we can recognize that a man who merely wants to live with the girl of his dreams doesn’t always think in terms of finance management differences, for example.

Related Post: Affair-Proof Your Marriage – Give Your Husband What He REALLY Needs from You

The woman may not realize how many weekends will be spent in front of team sports played out on an enormous television.  Or maybe she has some idealized version of marriage in her head and she can’t seem to reconcile that with reality (been there, yo!).

Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to your current predicament – you need to do an about-face and fast if you’re going to save your marriage. 

Hack Your Marriage: 3 Ways to Stop Divorce Now

Here are three ways you can stop divorce now:

1.) Stop making an ASS out of U and ME. Don’t assume anything. No matter how long you’ve been married, and how much you think you know your spouse, ask! Talk it out. Listen for what is not being said. Does your spouse just defer to you in arguments? Perhaps they’ve given up in confronting you about their real needs.

2.) Try the old switcheroo. Be willing to swap hats in the relationship, if that’s what it takes. Maybe you’re used to handling the checkbook, but finances are at the root of your marriage woes. If keeping your marriage intact means letting him (or her) take over, consider giving them the reins for awhile, or at least sharing control.

3.) Be flexible, for real. Tell them how you’re willing to change. Don’t worry, change in one partner usually creates change in the other. But someone has to initiate the willingness – and if you’re desperate to stop your divorce, you’ll be the one making concessions first.

It’s time to take control of your own destiny, my friend. 

If your marriage is basically decent and you’re not being abused, there is hope for you. Boring does not mean over. Arguments don’t have to be the end. As humans, we are changeable and adaptable – the change just must start WITHIN. And since like attracts like, your ability to change and adapt can directly affect that of your spouse. 

Stopping a divorce once it’s underway can be more difficult than working on a relationship that’s festering with problems.

But it’s not impossible. As long as you initiate a step-by-step plan of action to show, not just tell, your spouse that you’re willing to work on saving your marriage, it can happen quickly.

Related: Dear Frazzled, Frumpy Wife…

Don’t just sit there drowning in sorrow, bad-mouthing your spouse and worrying about what life holds in store for you in the next chapter.

Stop your divorce now by implementing these three simple, yet powerful strategies that will shock your spouse into giving you another chance at repairing your relationship. Divorce is just a legality – your emotions and actions will be what salvages the connection you two have. You feel me? 

Tell me what challenges you’re dealing with in your marriage right now. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. 

Microsoft Co-Founder Paul Allen’s Going to Figure Out What Makes You Tick

Microsoft Co-Founder Paul Allen’s Going to Figure Out What Makes You Tick

By Angela Atkinson

Deutsch: PhrenologieHave you heard about the big bucks Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen’s allocating for the study of the human mind? Allen wants to figure out what makes us tick.

According to a recent press release, the Allen Institute for Brain Science recently announced that Paul G. Allen has committed an additional $300 million to the Institute to significantly expand its scientific programs.

This means that Allen has committed to a total of $500 million to date.

He has charged the Institute with “tackling some of the most fundamental and complex questions in brain science today. The answers to these questions are essential for achieving a complete understanding of how the brain works, what goes wrong in brain-related diseases and disorders, and how best to treat them,” the press release said.

There’s a 10-year plan in place, during which Allen hopes researchers learn the answers to a few key questions:

  • How does the brain store, encode and process information?
  • What are the cellular building blocks that underlie all brain function, and are often targets of disease?
  • How do those cells develop, and then create the circuits that drive behavior, thought and brain dysfunction?

MSN’s Cosmic Log blogger Alan Boyle was in attendance when the Institute laid out its plans, and he had the opportunity to interview Christoph Koch, chief scientific officer for the Allen Institute for Brain Science.

Koch told Boyle that the Institute is focusing many of its resources on “trying to understand this piece of highly, highly complex math and science.”

“The most organized piece of matter in the known universe is the cerebral cortex, the one that makes you and me think and smell and hear and talk. That’s what we’re trying to understand,” Koch told Boyle. “Just as people spend a huge amount of time and effort to build these different observatories to look at the origin of space and time, we’re going to build these observatories, these very sophisticated instruments, all of them using common standards, all peering at the brain — primarily animal brains, but also the human brain.”

Is this the future of artificial intelligence?

Jack William Bell recently posted his thoughts on the matter over at Blogging the Singularity.

“While this knowledge will certainly help understanding ‘brain-related diseases and disorders’ it provides for other applications as well, including direct neural interfaces and uploading–two subjects at the core of transhumanist singularity scenarios,” Bell wrote. “While Mr. Allen is undoubtable rich enough to afford even such a princely sum, one has to wonder if his motives are related more to the latter than the former. After all, what good is being a billionaire if you can’t use it to live forever?”

As I was putting together a Storify on this very intriguing topic, I came across this Facebook post:

“Undoubtedly a move to support the Ray Kurzweil/Bill Gates agenda of a union of neuro-science, computer science and genetic engineering to produce the future human they envision – Cyborg – a genetically engineered human machine. Be attentive, it is a much deeper, more hidden evil then anything appearing on the outer political or economic headlines. This whole cover up that it has to do with helping people with diseases is not the ultimate agenda. See the film: Singularity is Near by Ray Kurzweil or if you have patience, read his 400 page book with the same name.”

What do you think about this whole thing?

I have to admit that my first thought when I heard this was that it might have something to do with developing the next phase in artificial intelligence–and on the other side of the coin, I thought about how amazing it would be to truly understand how the mind works, because we could learn how to heal ourselves in new and better ways.

But then, of course, my mind went to all of the TV shows and movies we’ve all seen that showed ‘the future,’ including robo-maids (thank you, Jane Jetson) and robo-spouses and robo-kids. Even a robo-dog or robo-cat could be a possibility–they’d surely be allergen free, right?

Can you imagine the possibilities? Do they excite you, or scare you a little? Share your thoughts in the comments section, below.

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