Did someone accuse you of being self-centered or thoughtless when it comes to other people’s feelings? Has someone gone so far as to actually call you a narcissist or even just a toxic person?
If so, did you consider the possibility that it might be the truth?
Could you really be a narcissist?
Now before you get your defenses all up and stop reading, let me preface the following bit of advice with a brief disclaimer. I realize that every single one of us is narcissistic on some level and to our own benefit in some ways. It’s a healthy amount, or close to it anyway, in many cases.
This is not the kind of narcissism I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the toxic kind of narcissism, the kind that consumes you and everyone you are directly connected with on different levels.
The people in your personal life, especially your spouse, kids, siblings – anyone you live with is most deeply affected by your narcissistic ways. And those you work most closely with, especially if they’re your subordinates, can also be seriously affected.
It’s possible that you are actually the victim of a narcissist who has been gaslighted into believing that you’re the narcissist. So let me ask you: Do you experience gaslighting and manipulation from someone you’re close to, maybe even love? And you feel like you might be going crazy? I’ve been there and I can help you.
Can you relate to the signs that you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse described in this video?
10 Signs You Might Be a Narcissist
So how do you know if you’re really a narcissist? Start here. Check out these 10 signs you might be a narcissist. If you resonate with most or all of them, you might be a narcissist. If you find out that you are, you’ve already taken the first step toward narcissistic recovery. Admission of a problem is the first requirement to fix it.
You’ll often hear people say in the narcissistic abuse community that if you think you’re a narcissist, you’re probably not one. And on some level, that can be true since narcissists tend to project and deflect their own behaviors onto their victims. But it isn’t exactly that simple. Here are 10 signs that you might be dealing with a touch of narcissistic personality disorder or malignant narcissism.
1. You’ve been accused of making everything all about you.
Perhaps more than once, someone in your life has accused you of failing to care about anyone but yourself. You probably blew it off at the time, but take a moment now and reconsider what the person said. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Could there be any validity to the idea that your primary focus is…well, yourself?
2. You are rarely wrong. At least as far as you’re concerned.
Even though you’re sure that you are right 99 percent of the time, the people around you can’t seem to see it that way. That, or you’ve already got them well-trained and they know better than to cross you. And you’d be hard-pressed to spend any significant amount of time around people who can’t see things your way.
3. You feel the need to be in control of everything. All the time.
It’s not that you need another responsibility on your plate, it’s just that no one else can seem to get it right. You worry that if you can’t keep your finger on everything, it’ll all be screwed up. So you spend a lot of time trying to manage all of the incompetent people in your life.
4. You know a lot of weak-minded people.
You might even have a secret nickname for them, like zombies or sheep. You think that most people aren’t quite as good or smart or organized or whatever as you – and you are often irritated or amused by their inferiority.
5. You’re different at home than you are in public. There is more than one version of yourself.
You don’t show your true self to the world. You’ve got an image to maintain, after all. Your family and closest friends are the only ones who’ve seen your “ugly side” and you wouldn’t have it any other way. In public, you project the perfect image because that is what you need people to see. You’ve got to impress everyone you meet – and when someone isn’t immediately smitten with you, you’re immediately suspicious of them, especially if they’re friendly with anyone you consider “yours.”
6. Your friends don’t like each other.
For some reason, you’re not a big friend-sharer. While you might have two or three friends in the same group, none are especially close. You prefer one on one when it comes to close relationships. And your favorite kind of person is an excellent listener who thinks you’re amazing and perfect and who would do anything to make you happy. Otherwise, you love a big party where you get to be the center of attention.
7. You get bored when people talk about themselves or anything that doesn’t directly concern you.
You can’t understand why everyone is always blathering on about such boring things as their own thoughts and dreams and passions. And forget about hearing anything regarding mind-numbing topics like the mundane jobs they do, their lame love lives, or their silly problems. You can’t take it – you just glaze over.
8. You wait for your turn to talk in a conversation – at least sometimes.
You’re not known for your great listening skills for some reason. During a conversation, you find yourself nearly bursting at the seams to share your opinion or a story about you that relates to the topic at hand. You really wish people would just give you the floor, already. So rather than pay attention to what’s being said, you just bide your time and wait for a moment where you can interject.
9. You’re either the life of the party or you’re outta there.
Most of the time, you’re the host with the most. People love you and you are generally on fire when it comes to your social life. But on the rare occasions where you have an “off-day” and someone else grabs the center of attention, you’d rather just leave. Why would anyone pay attention to THAT person when they’ve got access to someone like YOU?
10. You’re sort of a hero. Or someone’s idol. Or at least very, very smart.
You sort of hate to admit it, but a lot of people consider you a sort of hero, or at least they would if they knew how amazing you really are. You’re the sort of person who has always had potential. Now if you could just get everyone else to see what you’ve secretly known all along: you’re something special and unique in comparison to most common humans.
Now, these are only 10 of the many, many signs that you’re a narcissist. If any of these things feel familiar to you, I invite you to check out the following articles and resources to further determine your level of narcissism.
Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery, right now.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
“It is from the progeny of this parent cell that we all take our looks; we still share genes around, and the resemblance of the enzymes of grasses to those of whales is in fact a family resemblance.” ~ Lewis Thomas
I have this thing where I study faces. And since he first told me his adoption story, I’ve been studying the face of my husband. Like, almost obsessively.
And when our children were born, I began to study theirs, too. Regardless of whether we know them growing up or not, we tend to look like the people we’re biologically related to – and that’s exactly why I am OBSESSED with YOUR face. Oh yeah.
See, when he was born, my husband’s birth mother must have been in a bad way. Whether she personally made the choice or it was made for her, the baby (who would later become my husband) she gave birth to in the wee hours of the morning on June 6, 1972, was found around 9 a.m., wrapped in a towel and tucked into a box.
The box was inside of a telephone booth in front of a busy convenience store in Kansas City, Kansas, and no one seemed to know who left it there.
The police said a woman called in to let them know she thought she heard an animal inside the phone booth. The convenience store manager supposedly found the baby and a police officer pulled him out.
Now, and since the first time I heard the story more than a decade ago, I look for his features in every face I see.
I notice noses, foreheads, eye color and shape – general coloring and body types and shapes. I look at chins and eyebrows and even ear shape.
Since we had his DNA tested last year, I look at names too. And though I’m a complete amateur, I’m pretty smart – so I pore over the results as each new match comes through.
By now, I’ve narrowed his mother down to a certain generation in a certain family, I think. But his father is a whole other question.
The closest DNA connection we’ve found is a second cousin or grand-aunt.
I have noticed a trend in which a lot of Pennsylvania, Texas and Missouri people that are connected to his DNA.
I have a theory that one of his parents might be a Quaker from Pennsylvania. Or maybe even an English exchange student or immigrant.
This is because, as I understand it, the Quakers are primarily English. And according to his DNA, my husband is 78 percent British.
I think this means that one of his parents must be 100 percent British. It definitely means, according to Ancestry.com, that he is more British than the average British citizen today. That seems significant to me.
But what we don’t know is who gave birth to him, who his father was and why they left him there in that phone booth on that warm June day in 1972.
Those are the answers we are seeking. Those are the things I am compelled to discover.
We are not looking for a family, though we would not reject one. We are simply looking for closure and answers to these questions that have plagued my husband for 43 years – and me for nearly 15.
Our kids have a right to know who their father came from. And he has a right to know who his biological family really was.
And if they’d like, they could get to know their relative and two of the coolest kids around.
But as I sit here, writing about it on my front porch today, there is no resolution; there are no answers. I’ve had news stories published, I’ve blogged about it, I’ve even gone so far as to reach out to the world via social media – and yet, despite a few false hopes, we’ve got nothing definitive.
I want to stop looking. I want to give up trying. But I carry on. I am driven. I feel like it’s part of my life’s purpose.
And so I keep looking, searching, hoping for a clue that will tie it all together.
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” ~Albert Schweitzer
That Schweitzer quote pretty much sums up my feelings about success. And most likely, you already have many of your own beliefs and notions about success.
But would you believe me if I told you that some of them are wrong?
And it turns out that inaccurate beliefs can lead to taking inappropriate actions or prevent you from taking any action at all!
It’s not the things you don’t know that hurt you. It’s the things you believe are true that aren’t! If your ideas about success are faulty, success is much more elusive.
7 Lies the World Tells You About Success
There are many common misconceptions regarding success – blatant lies the world expects you to believe.
Lie #1. There is only one type of person who becomes successful.
One of the biggest lies the tells us about success is that successful people have a certain type of personality.
Let’s examine that theory, shall we?
Bill Gates is considered introverted, but not shy. Barack Obama is often described as very aloof. Of course, there many successful extroverts as well. Whatever personality type you have, you can rest assured that it’s more than enough to reach a high level of success.
Lie #2. Money is the root of all evil, and it will turn you into an evil person.
Lie #2? Money changes a person. Money has never changed anyone. Money only provides the opportunity to act on your impulses. With money, all the things you daydream about buying and doing are finally possible. Money only shines a light on the truth.
One must be intelligent to be successful. Actually, the opposite may be true. While there are many examples of brilliant people attaining high levels of success, there are even more examples of those with ordinary intellect being just as successful.
Consistency and determination are far more important than intelligence when it comes to success.
Lie #3. Success means doing something that’s never been done before.
Though you might not believe it, the truth is that it’s not really necessary to have an original idea. You don’t have to invent the next Facebook or Microsoft to achieve success. It’s possible to be successful by marginally improving upon the work and ideas of others.
Lie #4. Workhorses are the only ones who succeed.
Just outworking the competition is often enough to guarantee success.
It takes a lot of time to become and stay successful. We all have the same 24 hours each day. The question is, “Are you spending your 24 hours as effectively as possible?”
You know what I always say? Work smarter – not harder.
Focusing on the most relevant tasks each day will decrease the amount of time you must work. Most people avoid the most pertinent tasks, because they aren’t enjoyable.
Lie #5. It’s lonely at the top.
A lot of people say success is lonely. Do you imagine yourself sitting home alone because of becoming successful? Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s true there are fewer successful people than unsuccessful. However, you’ll have far more business and social opportunities because of your success.
Lie #6. You gotta get lucky to be successful.
Luck is an important component of success. It’s true that many successful people have also been extremely lucky at times. However, the only way to be lucky is to give yourself numerous opportunities to be lucky. The more work you do, the better your odds of being lucky occasionally.
Luck is nice, but hardly mandatory. You don’t need it.
Lie #7. You gotta have it handed to you (or accidentally stumbled into it).
Here’s another fun success lie. “The most successful people had an easy time. “
Truth? You’d be shocked by the adversity faced by many of the most successful people to walk the Earth. Many successful people started in the most disadvantageous situations and faced incredible obstacles.
The difference is that most of us would’ve quit 100 times. The successful person kept moving forward.
Lie #8. You need willpower of steel.
It’s important to have a lot of willpower to achieve success, according to the success liars.
In reality, willpower is in short supply unless your life is at stake. Willpower is useful during the early stages of developing new habits. After a habit is formed, willpower isn’t necessary. How much willpower do you need to brush your teeth each day?
How many of these misconceptions did you believe? Have you changed your mind? What do you believe now?
Over the years, I’ve come to understand that all it takes to begin to effect positive change in your life is the ability to believe that you can–that you really can change your life by just changing your mind.
That’s why today, I’m sharing a few of my favorite quotes. I hope they might inspire you to create (or continue to create) the life that you truly desire.
“Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won’t come in.” ~Alan Alda
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” ~Oprah Winfrey
“No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.” ~Barbara de Angelis
“If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger – we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to re-commit, to be whole-hearted once again.” ~Sharon Salzberg
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” ~Barack Obama
“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.” ~Wayne Dyer
“There are no prescriptive solutions, no grand designs for grand problems. Life’s solutions lie in the minute particulars involving more and more individual people daring to create their own life and art, daring to listen to the voice within their deepest, original nature, and deeper still, the voice within the earth.” ~Stephen Nachmanovitch
Let’s discuss! Do you believe that you have the power to change your life? Please share your thoughts and feelings in the comments section, below.