When Narcissists Attack You for Being Upset By Their Abuse

When Narcissists Attack You for Being Upset By Their Abuse

Ever have a narcissist attack you for feeling upset by their abuse, or for not being over it fast enough? This is how you navigate that situation and outsmart the narcissist.

Ever have a narcissist do something that righteously angered you, hurt your feelings or otherwise upset you, and then get angry at you for your feelings? In this video, I’ll explain what this is and how to navigate the “get over it” trap.

You might see narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury and the poor me act, intermingled with gaslighting and other forms of manipulation, but never, ever will you catch a narcissist actually taking responsibility for their behavior and validating your feelings. Plus, I’ll teach you how to literally outsmart the narcissist.

Let Bygones Be Bygones RIGHT NOW! When Narcissists Attack You for Righteous Anger & Feeling Hurt

How to Use the LOA to Overpower a Narcissist’s Attempts to Control Your Emotions

How to Use the LOA to Overpower a Narcissist’s Attempts to Control Your Emotions

This is how you can use a very simple concept (the law of attraction) to overpower and overcome a narcissist‘s emotional abuse. Don’t let them control your emotions any more!

The Various Roles the Narcissist Casts You In: Narcissistic Supply

The Various Roles the Narcissist Casts You In: Narcissistic Supply

A narcissist needs attention. They need love, admiration and in general, one-way narcissistic supply. This supply often comes in the form of a narcissistic harem, AKA a circle of supply.

What is a narcissistic harem?

narcissistic harem is just a group of people who are dedicated to giving the narcissist supply. Often, they are unaware that they are part of the group. The group can include both lovers and platonic/family relationships.

Who are the members of a narcissistic harem?

If you ask me, what’s interesting is the various roles we play when we are a source of narcissistic supply. If we’re part of the narcissistic harem, the roles might include such roles as the following.

The Tool 

This special member of the harem has an important role. They are there to not only “get” the narcissist in their own clutches, but also to cause drama for the rest of the members. They live on a pedestal built by the narcissist and they often claim they “just haven’t met the right person yet.” The narcissist considers this person a challenge because they, like the narcissist, are unlikely to commit, so they seem hard to get.

Flying Monkeys 

In the case of the narcissistic harem, the flying monkeys often mean well, but they end up evangelizing the narcissist’s message, sometimes without even realizing it. Flying monkeys are often just other causalities of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics, but they’re always falling for it. If they’re not falling for it, they usually behave as a “co-abuser,” or people who are equally toxic and actively participating in the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, either happily or out of fear of the narcissist. This is where you see abuse by proxy behavior. in which the narcissist abuses you through the manipulation of another person.

The Old Standby

This can be an ex or a person who is just generally “there” for the narcissist when they need attention. It can also be a parent, sibling, or non-sexual friend. This person generally ends up causing drama, especially when the Tool finds out about them, or when they get enmeshed with one of the other members of the circle.

The Wife/GF/Husband/Spouse

Depending on the narcissist, there’s almost always a partner – a “main” person in the harem. While the partner isn’t always a legal spouse or even the one who gets the most attention in the narcissist’s harem, she’s the one they’re all hiding the secrets from – and maybe the worst role you can be stuck with.

Between the gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys, you end up forgetting your own identity as you desperately try to become the version of yourself that would make the narcissist happy.

Gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys

If you’ve ever wondered how a narcissist keeps you in control, wonder no more. It’s all about the narcissistic abuse cycle that seems to have been designed specifically for that purpose. And if you have ever judged yourself or anyone else for falling for this type of person, you shouldn’t. After all, malignant narcissists, whether they’re cunning and calculating or they’re just doing “what they know,” are toxic to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be close to them.

But even if you manage to completely change yourself and morph into the narcissist’s idea of the imagined perfect person, it never matters.

Painful Truth: You Will Never Be Enough for a Narcissist

Here’s a harsh reality that we all have to understand. When it comes to the narcissist and their perception of you, you can never be enough. Even if you completely focus your energy on a narcissist, he or she will always look for somewhere else, something else to increase their own “supply” of attention. No matter how amazing you are – it will never be enough for a narcissist.

It’s Not You (Really)

Don’t let yourself be confused here – it’s DEFINITELY not YOU! It’s totally the way the narcissist’s convoluted mind works, and you can’t take personal responsibility for the broken person you’re dealing with – you just have to find your way to self-confidence and peace OUTSIDE of the narcissist.

The fact is that since the narcissist is so personally “broken” on the inside, nobody on earth can ever fill the endless hole of “need” he carries around – at least not for long.

There are so many manipulation tactics that most narcissists have in common that most of their victims say reading about the abuse suffered by others can feel like reading their own stories. Their tactics are underhanded and sneaky – often undetectable. And yet, they’re so definable that even a child can learn to recognize them.

Does this feel familiar to you?

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Did you know? Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Related articles

Triangulation: Why you should never try to fix an argument for a narcissist

Triangulation: Why you should never try to fix an argument for a narcissist

“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.” ~Joseph Joubert

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist? Have you noticed how they use triangulation to manipulate you and people you know? Pathological narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder) makes a narcissist feel superior to everyone around them (of course, that’s just one of many toxic narcissist traits). They want everyone’s admiration including yours.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist in a toxic relationship, you’ll already know that it’s nearly impossible to tell them anything they don’t want to hear, because when you attempt it, their go-to move is manipulation. One of their most effective forms of manipulation is triangulation, which narcissists use as a way to keep control, manipulate, and do whatever they please.

What is triangulation in a narcissistic relationship?

Triangulation is a common manipulation tactic often employed by narcissists. In a narcissistic relationship, triangulation is one of the names for a co-dependent behavior in which a third person is brought into a romantic relationship as a mediator, a peacemaker, a confidante, or a messenger. During triangulation, the narcissist communicates as a third party between two people but prevents the two from communicating directly through either manipulating or controlling at least one of them. Triangulating creates a “blame game” that can help one or both of the people involved avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. It can help them avoid feeling shamed, guilty, or otherwise uncomfortable. The narcissist will often manipulate the third person into supporting them in their effort to hurt you.

Why is triangulation so effective in narcissistic abuse?

Basically, since triangulation is a tactic for gaining power between two people, narcissists take control by getting a third person involved in their conflict. For example, there are lots of different kinds of narcissistic abusers out there, but just about all of them triangulate their targets for one reason or another. That is because the narcissist finds themselves in need of controlling someone else, and just can’t seem to get that under control on their own. So, they use anything (and in this case, anyone) that can help them get what they want. Narcissists are able to do this because they use triangulation as a way to create drama and chaos in relationships with other people. They pull people in and make them feel like they’re the only person who can make them happy and then they discard those people once they’ve served their purpose.

Why do narcissists use triangulation against you in romantic relationships?

Narcissists prefer to have a lot of options in romantic relationships because it gives them a sense of power and control, but also because they don’t want to find themselves alone – they always need backup sources of narcissistic supply, so they like to keep a so-called narcissistic harem in place when possible. Plus, they do not want to be limited in their choices by a relationship that is exclusive or committed.

Narcissists are self-centered, and they want the freedom to pursue their own interests and desires without being tied down or limited by a monogamous relationship. Rather than having one primary partner, narcissists will often have multiple partners, partners who know about each other, and partners who are competing with each other for the narcissist’s attention and approval. This type of relationship arrangement is called “triangulation.”

Triangulation is a common tactic used by narcissists in intimate relationships. It involves bringing another person into the dynamic of a relationship in an effort to keep their partner from getting too close or leaving them. When narcissists feel threatened or anxious about losing their partner, they will often try to triangulate them by getting them interested in someone new whom the narcissist can then use as leverage against their partner.

Why do narcissistic parents triangulate their children?

Narcissistic parents will often triangulate their children, either against each other or against other children – or, in some cases, against the other parent.  Triangulation is a way to control and manipulate the environment, and in general, they will create a triangle by creating a love triangle with two people who are close to the narcissist. The narcissist will pit these two people against each other in order to create a situation where he or she can be the hero that saves the day. In this way, the narcissist gets to feel as though he or she has power and control over two people as well as the environment.

So, the narcissist may triangulate their spouse and their child into a relationship with one another, pitting them against each other, attempting to control their relationship and even their thoughts about each other by doing so. This type of triangulation is very difficult for children to understand because it is so complex and somewhat subconscious on the part of the narcissist.

How Do Narcissists Triangulate You?

Ever been stuck in the middle of an argument between two people? If so, you know exactly how gut-wrenching it can be for all involved.

There are times when a well-placed nugget of wisdom can literally fix a problem someone’s having with another person.

That’s when it helps to offer insight and advice when you see what could help (as is often the case when you’re connected but not directly involved, a third-party perspective can often be useful).

Examples of Narcissistic Triangulation

The following are some examples of how narcissists use triangulation:

  • The narcissist cajoles two people to argue over him/her.
  • The narcissist acts as a go-between between two people who are angry with each other.
  • The narcissist uses this to play one against the other (“You don’t really care about her…you’re just mad because I slept with her!”).
  • The narcissist will play one person off another by getting them to compete for his/her affection or approval. This creates instability and insecurity within that relationship and causes rifts between friends, family members, etc.
  • The narcissist will give attention and approval to one person and throw it in the face of the other. This leads the “other” person to feel jealous, inadequate, and upset about the one getting approval. This pushes the two apart and puts the narcissist in control.

How do you deal with triangulation?

Sometimes, especially with smart, stubborn people like narcissists, you have to stay out of a situation and let people deal with it on their own. See, in general, most narcissists just aren’t receptive to advice unless they choose to be. You might say they work on pure energy and emotion, so when the energy and emotion aren’t entirely positive, they cannot focus on what’s really happening and everything becomes clouded, distorting their thoughts and sense of being present.

Their every interaction becomes tinged by the negativity and they begin to see it spill into other parts of their lives – most notably, their relationships. So if you push them to fix their issues, you’ll simply become part of that negative energy they feel and they’ll direct it to you as well.

And you know what happens then? Triangulation – the narcissist begins to play you and the other person off each other and then it gets even worse: you become a source of narcissistic supply.

But rather than just allowing the narcissist to triangulate you, you can try this: take a different road and literally refuse to get involved with the game. If you’re NOT the current source of narcissistic supply, you actually do the narcissist and their current victim a favor.

If the issue is resolvable and if resolving it matters to the narcissist, they’ll get through it, one way or another. This is even more probable if the relationship is important for him or her.

It might be painful to watch but you’ve got to just look away while they work through it – even if you are certain that your advice could really change things. By choosing to let go of stuff and work through it on their own, their relationship becomes stronger and better than it was before, and your own nose stays clean.

If you ARE the current source of narcissistic supply, consider speaking with the third person in the triangle to find out what has actually happened and how they actually feel. This might be enough to relieve you. But in any case, consider planning your escape from the toxic relationship as soon as you’re able to do so safely.

Get help with triangulation and narcissistic abuse recovery, right now.

Need help with a narcissistic relationship? We’ve got you covered.

Related articles

How to Train a Narcissist: A Non-Toxic, Repeatable Two-Step Plan to Get a Narcissist to Treat You Better

How to Train a Narcissist: A Non-Toxic, Repeatable Two-Step Plan to Get a Narcissist to Treat You Better

Sometimes, when you find yourself enmeshed in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, even though you realize your best option would be to leave or go no-contact, it isn’t always a real possibility in every situation. For example, you might be co-parenting or working with a narcissist.

Sometimes, you just want things to go smoothly – you’re not in the mood for a narcissist’s usual games, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. And you’re certainly not feeling like fending off any narcissistic rage, or narcissistic injury.

That’s right. Sometimes, you just want first aid – a quick and simple way to make life easier for a while – to make the narcissist just BE NICE TO YOU.

PLEASE NOTE: This ONLY works if you ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER OF A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE REACTION! If you are being physically abused or you think you might be soon, visit this page.

How do you train a narcissist to be nice to you?

The process is so simple that you might not believe it. But I promise you, it works – and I’ve learned this through both experience and research. Here’s what you need to know (and exactly the steps you take) to make a narcissist be nice to you.

Step One: Do not reward “bad” behavior with the narcissist’s desired or expected reaction.

So: Your only response to negative behavior is “GRAY ROCK.”  PLEASE NOTE: Using gray rock can and may induce narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury, and extreme gaslighting. You may feel angry or upset – but DO NOT show it, no matter what. Stay positive and polite.

Step Two: Reward “good” behavior with what the narcissist needs from you: love, admiration, and a proper place on the pedestal.

When the narcissist behaves in a way that is tolerable for you, even if you recognize it as love bombing or idealization, take a deep breath, and bestow all the love and admiration you can on them. Be sure to tell them how amazing and wonderful and perfect they are – and do it as sincerely if you can.

Things to Know About How to Train a Narcissist

  • Please Note: This can even work if you’re dealing with an ex in a co-parenting situation or a boss or co-worker – just adjust to make it appropriate for the situation.
  • Be consistent. You can NEVER stop these practices if you hope to keep this thing going. The narcissist will absolutely and repeatedly try their typical abuse patterns and manipulation tactics not to mention other “bad” behaviors. This means you will need to be very in control of your emotions to make this happen. BUT you CAN do it if you choose to – and it will make life less actively painful, at least for a while.

Bottom line: Don’t expect miracles.

Based on both research and experience, I can tell you that narcissists won’t ever change for the most part. In theory, they could change – but I’ve never actually seen it in person. So make sure you understand that this will be your new way of life if you choose to stick it out. This can be dangerous for your own mental health, so please know that it’s a temporary fix and not one that you can feasibly use forever.

I still suggest that you work on planning your escape if you’re still living with a narcissist, as always. If that’s of interest to you, check out my free PLAN (Planning to Leave a Narcissist) Guide.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

Helpful Videos for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors


Pin It on Pinterest