NARCISSISTS ARE COMMITTED TO MISUNDERSTANDING YOU! Try this to be understood.

NARCISSISTS ARE COMMITTED TO MISUNDERSTANDING YOU! Try this to be understood.

Ever tried to explain something to a narcissist, and they pretended not to understand? It’s like speaking another language from behind a brick wall; in other words, incredibly frustrating, to put it mildly.

I should know. After all, despite what the narcissists in my life have claimed, I’ve become pretty successful in my communication skills – I literally communicate for a living. Some people say I’m pretty good at it!

And yet, even with a very simple concept, the narcissists in my life have always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend what I was trying to explain – no matter how many different ways I’d say it.

Narcissists choose to make you feel unheard and misunderstood.

Eventually, I would come to understand that they chose to misunderstand. It was a form of gaslighting, and it drove me insane!

After a while, I had to acknowledge that I was dealing with someone who was showing malignant narcissist traits.

The truth will set you free in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Once I finally figured out the truth – that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist, I felt devastated.

And yet, as painful as that was, it also relieved me beyond belief because it explained so much – and it proved that I was relatively sane despite the narcissist’s claim to the contrary.

Has the narcissist taken your identity away?

Before I discovered I’d been dealing with abusive narcissists in my life, I found myself feeling like I had nothing – like I had become a shell of the person I used to be.

I was so wrapped up in making the narcissist happy that I stopped feeling any desire for things and situations.

I lost myself and didn’t even know where to find myself! Nor did I want to be around other people.

I was overwhelmed by this person’s need for attention and narcissistic supply, not to mention his blatantly clear intention to misunderstand me and make me uncomfortable.

Why do we focus on fixing the toxic relationship?

We focus on fixing the toxic relationship (and ourselves) for several reasons; denial, trauma bonding, and toxic hope.

Whatever the reason,  when I found myself at the point of being actively devalued, along with occasional silent treatment discards, I was fully focused on one goal: to fix this person and make it all okay again. It was all I could think about.

Of course, the only thing I had any control over was myself – and even though I was pretty sure that I couldn’t make the narcissist become something new, I was also someone who isn’t afraid to do a little work and fix the broken parts of ME.

So, I’d always focus on whatever was wrong with me and try to fix that (in hindsight, it was nothing but deaing with undiagnosed and unrecognized C-PTSD symptoms ).

I thought if I could fix ME, maybe the narcissist would naturally ease up. Of course, I was wrong there. I got a little mad at myself.

But then I did something SUPER dumb…

I tried to help the narcissist. 

No matter how hard I tried, I never found a way to fix this person – at least none that worked.

Through the lens of my FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), I figured I’d try to fix the broken parts of “me,” thinking maybe he’d catch up – or that his behavior might change on its own if I was perfect.

Of course, the narcissist was pleased with this development. It offered plenty of chances to both love bomb and devalue in alternating rhythms, the intermittent nature of which is the very basis for trauma bonding.

But it also offered plenty of invalidation; I had zero support during this time, and I felt more alone than ever.

Narcissists don’t want your help unless they want it. 

I couldn’t believe how clueless this supposedly intelligent man was able to act, but I must have believed his BS on some level.

After all, I would spend hours trying to figure out exactly how to explain something, I would even write down what I wanted to say and say it as calmly and carefully as possible.

But rather than trying to defend bad behavior, I’d shut my mouth and get lectured by the narcissist on my apparent lack of communication skills.

You can’t fix a narcissist.

For the narcissist, there was clearly no desire for change on his part, and his sense of entitlement blew my mind.

He reminded me often that he thought I was a total loser, someone who needed all this mental health help – and sometimes, he’d even convince me that I wasn’t as smart as I’d led him to believe.  It got so bad that I literally started to believe him.

Narcissists do not change. 

The fact is that narcissists simply do not change because, in layman’s terms, they don’t think they need to change. Their personality disorder essentially causes it to feel impossible. 

Not only that, but their glaring lack of emotional or compassionate empathy for you or anyone else is exactly the reason why the narcissist has no remorse when they flip everything around and become angry with you.

You are NOT crazy!

I “needed help,” they’d say. So obviously, I felt like no one understood me, and I felt alone and completely insane – and the narcissist took advantage of my weakness at the moment and assured me that this might be the only time I’d ever been right.

(If you can relate to that, please know that you’re NOT crazy – and know that the narcissist behaved this way on purpose to add “mental health” issues to your plate.

That’s because when you don’t trust your own judgment thanks to their abuse, narcissists will actively try to disturb your peace and, yes, even your sanity. They can’t stand for you to be happy.

Even my friends didn’t get why my relationships were so toxic.

It floored them, they said, because I was so easy to get along with. After all the years of hearing about how awful I was to live with, you can imagine my surprise to hear otherwise.

But my friends weren’t alone in their confusion. In fact, I got plenty of feedback from anyone who had the nerve to offer it.

For example:

  • My toxic parent mystified them, but they’d say in a horrified voice that she was my MOTHER and I had better repair the relationship with her before it was too late. That last part, for the record, means they would shame me.
  • People would tell me to just get over it and move on.
  • Some suggested therapy – but that never works with a malignant narcissist.
  • When it came to my toxic marriage, it was even worse – they were annoyed and would ask, “why don’t you just leave already if it’s so bad?” (NOT helpful, btw!)

Does your life feel like some kind of cosmic joke that makes you dysfunctional?

I have gone through several existential crises during which everything I did felt wrong, off-balance, or just plain crazy. Here I was, living in what felt like a cosmic joke of a life, with narcissists everywhere I turned.

Even friends who weren’t intrinsically toxic were still unable to understand my issues.

I mean, after being so beaten down and being so conditioned to question myself – I really didn’t even know what I believed, much less understand how to figure all that out.

I knew I needed help.

But not just any help. I needed to feel seen and heard. I needed a way to share the times when I did not feel good enough or even like I was a “real” person.

I didn’t know how to find help. I wanted a very specific kind of help. Not from just anyone, but specifically with people who UNDERSTOOD where I was.

After searching and trying out therapists and various support groups and systems, I found no relief: no one could quite “get” what I’d been through.

But something in me told me that I couldn’t be the only one going through this.

So, I got busy and started doing my research, and right about 2012, I learned about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse. And boy, am I glad I did – these little bits of information were life for me – as in they changed mine.

Back then, no one even really knew the term “gaslighting” – I had to go to the library to learn about it. There wasn’t much information on the internet that was easily digestible. As I began to post about this stuff on my blog, things turned interesting: many people came to me and asked for my help.

How could I help?

I was a journalist by trade, so research and writing were my bag. I knew how to write, I reasoned – and I I felt terrible when I learned how underserved this group of people was at that time. And after a lot of study and research, I took it upon myself, and I got to work creating that much-needed content.

It was a start anyway. But I had bigger plans. I wanted to build an app. And so I did. 

Easier, less painful narcissistic abuse recovery is the goal. 

My goal in building this new app was to make it easier – or at least far less painful – for our fellow survivors than I had it back then. I wanted to create content that made narcissistic abuse recovery easier to discover, understand, and get through.

I did this by sharing information and helping victims and survivors understand what they were dealing with and what they’d need to do to heal themselves. This led to an entire movement that would eventually be supported by a whole team of fellow survivors.

Over the years, we have really learned who we survivors are and exactly what we need to heal ourselves so we can evolve and thrive from here on out.

Not only do I do my best to be the person I needed in my own recovery for you, but I have simultaneously healed myself along the way.

So, I learned I wasn’t alone – and I hope I’ve helped you do the same. (If not, stick with me – we will get there!)

Get the app now!

So, why am I telling you all of this?

  • Because I’ve developed something BETTER to help you in your recovery.
  • Because after all these years, and after helping hundreds of thousands of survivors get through their recovery a little easier, I’ve created something that will intuitively help you heal and get (and stay) connected!

Narcissistic abuse recovery support that you can put in your pocket and take with you wherever you go.

That’s right! Even better, there are hundreds of narcissistic abuse survivors just like me – just like you– who have joined me, and they are finding (and giving) serious support in our new in-app tribes, not to mention the tools, tips, and helpful information that is designed to walk you through your recovery from wherever you are, right now.

Introducing the All-New Narcissistic Abuse Recovery App

Inside this amazingly intuitive and easy-to-navigate app and its private community, you’ll find a new (and more secure) way to connect with me, my fellow coaches, and our fellow survivors.

  • You will also find toolkits, trackers, helpful tips and ideas, and more from the QueenBeeeing team – all designed to make your recovery as painless as possible. 
  • You can count on not having to deal with any more judgment. No more shame or worries about narcissists or flying monkeys finding your posts or anything about you.
  • The app offers you a safe space where survivors are free to share their thoughts, ask their questions, be scared, and stay vulnerable without any judgment or shame.

Together, we’re changing narcissistic abuse recovery!

No longer will narcissistic abuse resemble a lonely, dark crawl out of hell and into the unknown.

Now, you can recover faster and with less pain with our new narcissistic recovery app and the full support of the QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery team and your fellow survivors!

Plus:

  • You’ll get immediate access to our support tribes community.
  • You’ll be given toolkits and complete step-by-step blueprints to help you get and stay safe and healed, from discard to evolution and more.
  • You’ll be warmly welcomed as a member of this secure community by our amazingly supportive, empathy-filled survivors who truly understand where you’ve been – because they’ve been there too.

What does it cost?

While I usually price my apps at a reasonable $25 per month, this one is different. I want it to be more accessible – so I’m only charging $9.99 a month for now. And as long as you remain a subscriber, you’ll never pay more.

If you’ve used one of my previous apps, I am so excited to tell you this is the VERY BEST and most intuitive one we’ve ever built! You will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to customize for your own needs and the level of information, tools, and support you have at your fingertips!

Are you ready to get safe support and validation from your QueenBeeing team and your fellow survivors?

Then there’s only one thing left: get the app now!

Get the app now!

 

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: How to Tell if You’re Dealing with Mind Control

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: How to Tell if You’re Dealing with Mind Control


Let’s talk about narcissists and mind control, shall we? Narcissists love to manipulate you and control you. Often, this looks like gaslighting and brainwashing – and it can be so subtle that you don’t even realize it’s happening!

What is mind control?

It involves the manipulative tactics narcissists use to subtly control and manipulate you. It could involve gaslighting, projection, lying, hiding and more – and narcissists are especially happy to use it to sort of “manage you” so that you will do, say and be exactly what they want in any given moment.

The worst part is that it could happen to literally anyone. Even the most intelligent people can be subjected to mind control, and that’s partially because of its subtle but highly-targeted nature.

So how can you tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist who is using these pervasive techniques on you? How do you know if you’re under mind control?

The fact is that you just don’t know, right?

Does the Narcissist Have a Secret Plan?

Let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment here. What if I told you that everything you are doing could be a response that fits perfectly into another person’s secret plan?

If you take that as a real possibility, then you could simply just give up and decide that NOTHING is truly within your control.

But wait a minute – you don’t have to do that. You are a thinking person, right? Then you can imagine that you can have control over much more than you might realize at this moment.

What are the Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist’s Mind Control?

How can you know for sure?

Start with a simple question: “Am I acting or am I reacting?”

If you are reacting, then you are almost automatically responding to something you see as outside of your control. You’re doing this in an attempt (consciously or otherwise) to gain some control back. And this is a potential sign of some form of mind control.

No one likes to feel powerless and out of control. And when we’re dealing with toxic people in our lives, we often find ourselves feeling just like that. We stop trusting ourselves, and we give into letting the narcissist run our lives, on some level or another.

How do you stop a narcissist from using mind control on you?

So what’s the solution? How do we stop letting toxic people control our lives, and stop them from telling us what we like, what to think, and who we are?

The answer is that we need to do something intentional and positive that is NOT a response to the external environment.

Let me emphasize the word “positive” here because an intentional negative/destructive act has to act on or destroy something pre-existing. It would be then something to which you are reacting.

Do you see what I mean? Let’s dig in a bit.

Choosing an intentional, positive action can be much harder than it might seem because it requires four qualities that most survivors of narcissistic abuse can find hard to implement. They are:

1) Intentionally Thinking

I like to joke that I “think too much,” and it’s true! This might be because of my toxic relationships in the past. Honestly, while some people just don’t want to have to think about stuff, us survivors are different – we often think TOO much.

We can sometimes live in our own heads, and this will leave us feeling a little out of touch, to say the least. In the throes of abuse, we can find ourselves completely checking out – dissociation comes calling. Thankfully, though, our unconscious (reactive) mind will do most of our actions for us.

Admittedly, we sometimes rely on it entirely too much or in the wrong way and allow it to dictate our every move by letting our emotions guide us.

Manipulative narcissists often know this and will use it to control you through fear, anger, threats, and frustration. If we’re going to make any significant change, we have to look outside of this and intentionally direct our thoughts to choose, intentionally, our emotional responses. This will give us more control of ourselves and our own lives.

2 ) Being Creative

Creativity can be difficult because it requires taking action that is not linked to some external stimulus. This, of course,e requires thought, but we have the ability to sort of train ourselves and our unconscious minds to be very creative. Consider Salvador Dali and what he was able to do. Nothing he did in the field of art could easily be compared to anything prior to him. The same was true with his life.

Dali was absolutely fascinated by the images he would see right as he was falling asleep or starting to wake up. For him, these seemed to be extremely vivid, colorful, and interestingly bizarre. In order to produce his amazing art, Dali ran various experiments where he would figure out the best way to sort of make these images happen and then capture them before they’d disappear out of his head. This would eventually lead to some of his best-known artwork.

Reportedly, the way he found that worked best was to put a tin plate on the floor and then sit by a chair beside it. He’d hold a spoon over the plate as he worked to relax his body – often, leading him to begin to fall asleep. At the very moment he’d doze off, the spoon would slip from his fingers, hitting the plate with a crash. This would wake him at the perfect moment and he could paint the surreal images before he forgot them.

3) Taking Inspired Action.

Action takes effort and motivation, and as survivors, we struggle with this sometimes. Maybe we don’t trust ourselves, or maybe we are so used to being told what to do (or how to act) that we just sort of let things happen. Or maybe we just sort of react to things and this makes us exhausted. So we think we need to conserve our energy.

But we have to remember that by taking creative action, we can actually create energy. Going back to Salvidor Dali as an example, his life was FULL of energy that he created intentionally. When his peers tried to control him, he would turn his response into a new form of performance art. This would totally bewilder the people trying to influence him – and absolutely entertain everyone else who was watching.

4) Having Courage.

I know, it’s cliche. But it’s a real thing – and a little bit will change your life. You have to have the courage to deal with feeling uncomfortable sometimes – it’s the only way we can push lives to the next level. To create change requires a little bit of discomfort – we have to find the space OUTSIDE of our comfort zones and we have to almost live there.

But why else is this important when we’re talking about mind control? Because when the narcissist sees that they cannot control you through fear and anger, they will sometimes escalate their attempts through threats, intimidation and worse, in many cases.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

 

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