Why Are Narcissists So Abusive and Why Do They Get Away With It?

Why Are Narcissists So Abusive and Why Do They Get Away With It?

Narcissists make you feel like you’re worthless and act like they’re better than you and everyone else. They emotionally and psychologically abuse you and then pretend you’re crazy when you react like a normal human. Sound familiar? 

If so, you’re not alone – narcissists have a way of keeping you around for decades and still abusing you. 

Consider the following facts about narcissists. 

  • Narcissists can be charming, but they hide a sadistic and aggressive nature.
  • They aren’t as confident as they seem.
  • Narcissistic personality disorder manifests in grandiosity, selfishness, and lack of empathy.
  • Narcissists are manipulative, egotistical, and often cruel. 
  • They get a feeling of superiority by making others feel inferior.

Why do narcissists often get away with their abuse?

Narcissists are experts at using emotional and psychological manipulation to get you to do what they want and to gain control over you. This makes them feel more secure, and when you become their primary source of narcissistic supply, it gives them a sort of emotional dumpster. 

When you consider the typical narcissistic abuse cycle, it’s laser-focused at getting you “addicted” through trauma bonding. 

Narcissists use cognitive empathy to make you feel special –  like you are the most important person in their world. But they don’t have any emotional or compassionate empathy, so they have no problem tearing you down. 

They also know how to make you feel unimportant – like you’re worthless, insignificant, and unimportant. 

Intermittent reinforcement leads to trauma bonding

They will alternate their “good” treatment with their “bad” treatment – and this leads to you constantly striving to get the “good” treatment. It becomes your primary focus in the relationship. 

So, the narcissist has your full attention, and anytime they’re bored, or you don’t do what they want, they attack you (the devalue phase) and often discard you repeatedly.

And the moment they think you’re about to give up on trying to get their “good” treatment, they will give you a little bit of validation to keep you hooked. 

You’re elated and committed to staying longer as a result.  This is called intermittent reinforcement – and it’s exactly why and how narcissists often get away with their abuse.

Sound like your life? Here’s help. 

Here’s Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery 

 

Why do narcissists downplay your worth?

Why do narcissists downplay your worth?

Have you ever wondered why narcissists have a way of minimizing everything you do, say, think, or feel?

Narcissists are never generous with praise unless they’re using it as a way to manipulate you. In general, once they get past the love-bombing phase of the relationship, narcissists have a way of never doing or saying anything to make you feel good about yourself. 

If you feel like you have to work a little harder to earn the praise of a narcissist, it’s not because they’re harder to please or discriminating in their approval. It’s because they have reached the “devalue” phase of the toxic relationship. 

What is the devalue phase of the toxic relationship?

Devaluation is what happens when a narcissist tears you down emotionally, insults you (outright or covertly), and makes you doubt yourself and your self-worth. This is done as part of the cycle of abuse and when effective, it can cause you to believe you don’t have a chance of finding someone better, or that you’re not worthy of love or consideration.

The narcissist will often use devaluation to keep you from leaving by implanting such ideas in your head. Alternatively, some narcissists don’t even recognize they’re doing it since it’s part of the standard cycle of abuse. It can happen to a “thing” just as easily as a person when a narcissist is involved.

Why does the narcissist downplay your worth?

Narcissists downplay your worth and highlight their own accomplishments, in part because they want to keep you feeling inferior, but it’s more complicated than this. In fact, narcissists use their “false selves” to mask their deeply profound insecurity and often use this tactic to sort of boost their own ego.

It’s all about making sure they have control over us and keeping us feeling less than them so they can get what they want out of life while using our goodwill as leverage against us when needed.

In other words, they need to feel that they are above you, that they are superior to you in every single way.

What does it mean when the narcissist compliments you?

Do you sometimes feel that when narcissists do compliment you or praise you it is not genuine? Well, you are right. It isn’t. As a matter of fact; narcissists downplay the worth of those with whom they wish to gain favor.

If we are on their good side (during the idealization or love-bombing phase), then we will get compliments from them about how wonderful we are doing at work or school or even in our personal relationships.

Sometimes when narcissists compliment us, it is done so in a way that makes us feel inferior or lesser than them – or it’s about impressing someone else who overhears the compliment. The other reason a narcissist might compliment you outside of the love-bombing phase is to take credit for your work or efforts in some way.

Explaining by Example: The Narcissist at Work

In order to understand this behavior better; let us consider an example of how someone with narcissistic personality disorder might behave in a work environment. The narcissist will often claim credit for various projects even if he or she had nothing to do with their completion or success.

They will brag about their accomplishments and compare them favorably to others’. At the same time, he or she will also put down coworkers and subordinates who may have made similar contributions but not received as much recognition as they did.

Narcissists like to make themselves seem better than everyone else around them, especially if these people have something that the narcissist does not have (money, power, fame).

So, when a narcissist compliments you, it is not because of your worth, beauty, or talents. It is to get you under their authority so that they can use your talents for their own good.

Learn more about narcissists and the devalue phase of the toxic relationship

In this video, I explain the devalue phase in detail and offer tips on how to deal with the narcissist who is actively downplaying your worth. 

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

 

 

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD is a mental health disorder or personality disorder that manifests in a number of symptoms, including an ongoing pattern of mood swings, distorted self-image, and various behavior issues. While this disorder is sometimes mistaken for narcissistic personality disorder, the two are different in that people with BPD have empathy, and those with NPD do not.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are sometimes misdiagnosed with BPD, and clearly, its symptoms can result in impulsive actions and major problems in relationships.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

While BPD is sometimes mistaken for narcissistic personality disorder, the two are different in that people with BPD have empathy, and those with NPD do not. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are sometimes misdiagnosed with BPD, and clearly, its symptoms can result in impulsive actions and major problems in relationships. People who have BPD can be unstable at times and be erratic and unpredictable in their behavior.

Someone with BPD might struggle to form and maintain healthy, stable relationships. They often struggle with their self-image as well as their self-worth as they both fluctuate frequently. In some situations, you’ll notice someone with BPD might act totally “normal,” while other times, the same person might be completely out of the ordinary, unpredictable, and incredibly inappropriate.

Their level of impulse control can also be impaired when they’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated.

Are more men or women diagnosed with BPD?

While most people diagnosed with BPD are female, men can also be affected.  When narcissistic abuse is involved, in some cases, someone who is diagnosed with BPD might actually be diagnosed with C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). if their doctors understood how the trauma and abuse had affected their lives and psychology.

More on BPD Symptoms, Signs and BPD and NPD Similarities

In this video, we’re going to talk about the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder and how BPD and NPD are very different in some ways – but they’re also surprisingly similar in some ways. Mental illness and personality disorders can change your life in some serious ways. People in relationships with BPD can often struggle to keep their emotions on track – especially when those relationships also involve narcissists.

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When Narcissists Use Religion to Control You

When Narcissists Use Religion to Control You

Are you dealing with religious abuse or spiritual abuse?

Are you dealing with religious abuse or spiritual abuse from a narcissist? If so, you’re not alone. Narcissists are infamous for using religion to manipulate, control and absolutely dominate you through fear of what will happen to you if you don’t do what they want.

In this video, Narcissists and Religious Abuse (AKA Spiritual Abuse): When Narcissists Use Religion to Control You, I’ll define religious abuse and outline how narcissists use it against you.

What is religious/spiritual abuse?

The official definition of religious/spiritual abuse: Religious abuse is abuse administered under the guise of religion, including harassment or humiliation, which may result in psychological trauma. Religious abuse may also include misuse of religion for selfish, secular, or ideological ends such as the abuse of a clerical position.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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How to Build the Courage to Leave an Abusive Partner

When you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to see the way out. But, you don’t have to be trapped in a relationship with an abusive partner. Here’s some help.

How do you safely leave an abusive partner?

Discover how to separate yourself from them in a safe way by using these strategies:

Be honest with yourself about why you haven’t already left.

Understand why you stay. You can’t gain the courage to leave until you understand why you’re staying. Are these reasons preventing you from leaving,

  • Maybe you’re staying out of fear.
  • You may feel stuck in the relationship because it’s the only thing you have right now. Despite the issues, it’s a familiar place. You may even feel secure in the familiarity.
  • You might even stay because you feel that you deserve to be punished. You’re worried that you won’t be able to find someone else who is better. And, because of the abuse, you may feel responsible for the situation.
  • In addition, perhaps you believe that you can fix the issues. You may think that if you love your partner enough, then they will stop being abusive.

Focus on getting stronger, mentally and emotionally.

 Strengthen your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is at the root of many abusive relationships. Increasing your confidence and self-esteem will help you gain the courage to leave the abuser. You can start by acknowledging that your self-esteem needs work.

  • Look for causes for your low self-esteem. Were your parents perfectionists who expected too much from you? Did you feel inadequate growing up or at work? Once you have the answers, you can work to resolve your feelings about your past. You can put the past in the past and ensure that these negative feelings don’t affect who you are today.
  •  To raise your self-esteem, do a nice thing for yourself each day. Pay attention to what others say about you that is positive. Journal about it or take notes, so you always have a reminder of your positive aspects.

Set up a proper support system.

Get outside help. It may benefit you to get help from friends, family, or others. You may need to turn to therapy or a doctor. In some cases, outside help is needed to leave an abusive relationship.

  • Your friends, family, coworkers, or others may be able to assist you so you won’t be alone and can develop the courage to leave. There may also be community resources, nonprofits, and organizations that can help.
  • You might want to work with a therapist or a coach.

Consider the costs.

Figure out your finances. Are you scared to leave your partner because you depend on them financially? Maybe you’re dealing with financial abuse, too? If you know that you’re financially secure, then it’s easier to leave.

  •  When you have a job, set money aside that your abuser can’t access. You can also ask friends or family to contribute to your savings.
  • When you don’t have a job, you have to be more creative. You may be able to save money from the stipends you receive. You may be able to sell some items.
  • Even if you’re not certain about your finances, you can make plans for the future. Prepare for a job that can support you after this relationship ends.

You don’t have to stay with an abusive partner out of fear. Relationships can be difficult to end, but it’s not impossible. Figure out a way to escape and leave them, even if you need someone to help you do it. There are resources and people who can help you get out of your abusive situation and get started in a healthier life.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

 

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