WARNING! Today’s episode of Go Ask Angie is OUTRAGEOUS – not only am I providing answers to two mothers who were left by narcissists during pregnancy, but between these narcissistic fathers, there are literally 12 children who have to deal with it – plus, one of the mothers was replaced by…wait for it…her own TWIN SISTER during her pregnancy!
I am just overwhelmed with the amount of things I want to say to those self-centered jerks (not to mention the so-called sister who was willing to be with a man who’d just abandoned her pregnant TWIN) – but I won’t waste my breath, because you and I both know that there’s no good reason to try to make a narcissist accountable for his or her behavior. It almost NEVER works.
Take a look at this video – or if you can’t, check out the transcript, below the video, and when you’re finished, please let me know what you think – and what advice you’d offer these moms.
Before I start with my answer, I just want to say that I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and you definitely don’t deserve it!
I know that you have been totally shocked by this horrible situation – and who can blame you? Between your own pregnancy and other children and the devalue and discard you’ve just gone through, it’s amazing that you’re still standing.
But stand you will, because you’re a mother and that is what we do!
So much of what you wrote sounds familiar to me on more than one level. For example, my first husband actually treated my oldest son like a piece of property.
He’d ignore the baby while no one was looking, but when people were around, he was the perfect father – showing him off and always telling people how amazing he was. It was like “look what I did!”
Once I finally got a clue and left his ass, I quickly realized that his only reason for wanting to see my son was that he wanted to get back in my life. When I realized that, I was just done.
He hasn’t seen that kid since he was 16 months old – and he will be 19 YEARS old next month.
Okay, I’ve got a few more pieces of advice for you before I close today.
First: don’t allow this narcissist to taint your happiness. He has made his choices, and now you get to make yours.
Second, don’t expect some big miracle to happen when or if you ever allow him to see your child – especially since you said he has other kids out there.
Third, remember that as a toxic narcissist, he’s got a personality disorder and without serious therapy, he ain’t gonna change anytime soon (and whether it will work is QUITE iffy).
Now it’s time for you to consider every option that’s available to you – and take nothing for granted. Remember too that your ex narcissist is unlikely to see your child as a person, but more likely to see him or her as a tool to be used to get what he wants.
Be on the lookout for certain behaviors if your ex does get involved in the baby’s life – for example, he may choose to disregard your or the baby’s boundaries. He may withhold affection in order to get results from the baby as he or she gets older. And he will most likely neglect to meet his parental duties on certain levels, where his needs come before the baby’s, always.
Plus, since image is so important to narcissists, he may demand absolute perfection from your child anytime he’s involved.
Your kiddo will feel a lot of pressure to “be good enough,” and unfortunately, no matter how amazing he or she turns out to be, it won’t ever be enough.
A bit of psychology you might want to consider, too:
If your child is a girl, she will need to feel adored by her father. While she’s little, he’ll probably do okay with that on a couple of levels, but as she gets older, he’ll get mean – commenting on her clothing, her weight and/or her attitude in negative ways. She needs to be validated this way – and it helps her to be stronger in future relationships. Girls need to internalize their specialness and HEALTHY dads (or even dad-like-people) can help with that.
If your baby is a boy, you need to know that he will never be able to “measure up” to your ex’s expectations. The narcissistic father is infamous for competing with his sons in very unhealthy ways. And if that’s not his game, your son will simply be ignored. Just as girls need to be adored by their fathers in order to be validated, boys need to have their dads believe in them.
I remember my ex getting jealous of my son when he was born – because I paid too much attention to him! Outrageous!
As the mom of this baby, you’re going to have a lot of responsibility, but it doesn’t have to be terrible – knowing what you’re up against is the first step to making your life easier.
KNOW that this is NOT your fault – and know what to watch for when you’re considering dating in the future. This can help you to avoid getting into this situation again.
I’d like you to consider getting involved with a parent support group, such as Parents Without Partners, and I’d like to invite you to join SPAN, my online support group – it’s totally free and completely confidential. You can learn more at QueenBeeing.com/SPAN.
I wish I had better answers for you, but I hope this offers you a place to start. Please remember to take care of yourself as you go on this journey – and don’t be afraid to reach out to the people in your life you can trust when you need support.
Okay, now it’s your turn! What advice would you offer our mothers? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below. Let’s discuss it.
Did someone accuse you of being self-centered or thoughtless when it comes to other people’s feelings? Has someone gone so far as to actually call you a narcissist or even just a toxic person?
If so, did you consider the possibility that it might be the truth?
Could you really be a narcissist?
Now before you get your defenses all up and stop reading, let me preface the following bit of advice with a brief disclaimer. I realize that every single one of us is narcissistic on some level and to our own benefit in some ways. It’s a healthy amount, or close to it anyway, in many cases.
This is not the kind of narcissism I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the toxic kind of narcissism, the kind that consumes you and everyone you are directly connected with on different levels.
The people in your personal life, especially your spouse, kids, siblings – anyone you live with is most deeply affected by your narcissistic ways. And those you work most closely with, especially if they’re your subordinates, can also be seriously affected.
It’s possible that you are actually the victim of a narcissist who has been gaslighted into believing that you’re the narcissist. So let me ask you: Do you experience gaslighting and manipulation from someone you’re close to, maybe even love? And you feel like you might be going crazy? I’ve been there and I can help you.
Can you relate to the signs that you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse described in this video?
10 Signs You Might Be a Narcissist
So how do you know if you’re really a narcissist? Start here. Check out these 10 signs you might be a narcissist. If you resonate with most or all of them, you might be a narcissist. If you find out that you are, you’ve already taken the first step toward narcissistic recovery. Admission of a problem is the first requirement to fix it.
You’ll often hear people say in the narcissistic abuse community that if you think you’re a narcissist, you’re probably not one. And on some level, that can be true since narcissists tend to project and deflect their own behaviors onto their victims. But it isn’t exactly that simple. Here are 10 signs that you might be dealing with a touch of narcissistic personality disorder or malignant narcissism.
1. You’ve been accused of making everything all about you.
Perhaps more than once, someone in your life has accused you of failing to care about anyone but yourself. You probably blew it off at the time, but take a moment now and reconsider what the person said. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Could there be any validity to the idea that your primary focus is…well, yourself?
2. You are rarely wrong. At least as far as you’re concerned.
Even though you’re sure that you are right 99 percent of the time, the people around you can’t seem to see it that way. That, or you’ve already got them well-trained and they know better than to cross you. And you’d be hard-pressed to spend any significant amount of time around people who can’t see things your way.
3. You feel the need to be in control of everything. All the time.
It’s not that you need another responsibility on your plate, it’s just that no one else can seem to get it right. You worry that if you can’t keep your finger on everything, it’ll all be screwed up. So you spend a lot of time trying to manage all of the incompetent people in your life.
4. You know a lot of weak-minded people.
You might even have a secret nickname for them, like zombies or sheep. You think that most people aren’t quite as good or smart or organized or whatever as you – and you are often irritated or amused by their inferiority.
5. You’re different at home than you are in public. There is more than one version of yourself.
You don’t show your true self to the world. You’ve got an image to maintain, after all. Your family and closest friends are the only ones who’ve seen your “ugly side” and you wouldn’t have it any other way. In public, you project the perfect image because that is what you need people to see. You’ve got to impress everyone you meet – and when someone isn’t immediately smitten with you, you’re immediately suspicious of them, especially if they’re friendly with anyone you consider “yours.”
6. Your friends don’t like each other.
For some reason, you’re not a big friend-sharer. While you might have two or three friends in the same group, none are especially close. You prefer one on one when it comes to close relationships. And your favorite kind of person is an excellent listener who thinks you’re amazing and perfect and who would do anything to make you happy. Otherwise, you love a big party where you get to be the center of attention.
7. You get bored when people talk about themselves or anything that doesn’t directly concern you.
You can’t understand why everyone is always blathering on about such boring things as their own thoughts and dreams and passions. And forget about hearing anything regarding mind-numbing topics like the mundane jobs they do, their lame love lives, or their silly problems. You can’t take it – you just glaze over.
8. You wait for your turn to talk in a conversation – at least sometimes.
You’re not known for your great listening skills for some reason. During a conversation, you find yourself nearly bursting at the seams to share your opinion or a story about you that relates to the topic at hand. You really wish people would just give you the floor, already. So rather than pay attention to what’s being said, you just bide your time and wait for a moment where you can interject.
9. You’re either the life of the party or you’re outta there.
Most of the time, you’re the host with the most. People love you and you are generally on fire when it comes to your social life. But on the rare occasions where you have an “off-day” and someone else grabs the center of attention, you’d rather just leave. Why would anyone pay attention to THAT person when they’ve got access to someone like YOU?
10. You’re sort of a hero. Or someone’s idol. Or at least very, very smart.
You sort of hate to admit it, but a lot of people consider you a sort of hero, or at least they would if they knew how amazing you really are. You’re the sort of person who has always had potential. Now if you could just get everyone else to see what you’ve secretly known all along: you’re something special and unique in comparison to most common humans.
Now, these are only 10 of the many, many signs that you’re a narcissist. If any of these things feel familiar to you, I invite you to check out the following articles and resources to further determine your level of narcissism.
Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery, right now.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
Do you know someone who presents as a shy or introverted person, but who is actually a narcissist? You might be dealing with a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists are those who will often use the “poor me” act – also known as narcissistic injury – as one of their primary ways of manipulating their victims.
What is a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissistis someone who demonstrates a very subtle, but equally toxic form of narcissism that is exhibited by someone with a more introverted personality. Covert narcissism is characterized by grandiose fantasies and thoughts, perception of entitlement, and a general sentiment of being better than others – but unlike grandiose narcissism, those affected by covert narcissism can seem shy and introverted. They may also be self-loathing in a more obvious way than other narcissists. These qualities make it more difficult to identify a covert narcissist.
I’ll offer you a look inside the head of a covert narcissist that might even make you feel a little sorry for him/her – but it’s the truth. The untrained eye might see this kind of narcissist as a pushover or a sweet shy person, but in reality, they’re the hardest kind of narcissist to sniff out – the covert kind. I’ll not only share personal experiences, but I’ll give you the nuts and bolts on how a covert narcissist works and on how to identify one. In this video, I’ll give you the 411 on how to identify a covert narcissist and what to watch for when dealing with one.
Are you involved in a relationship with a toxic narcissist? In this video, I’ll help you answer this question for yourself. When you’re finished watching, please share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments
Is s/he really a narcissist?
Narcissists tend to be caught up in their own lives, their own personal worlds. This means that in general, they have no time to consider the feelings, thoughts or needs of the people around them.
Rather than offer sympathy if you are dealing with pain or frustration, they’ll just share some of their own with you (which, of course, will be far more serious than your own.)
While a narcissist may appear to be an upbeat, happy person to outsiders in his or her life, people who know him or her intimately are likely to see a whole other personality.
This can manifest in several ways–but a primary marker is that they are unable to empathize with those around them, and they consistently blame others for problems they’ve caused.
Since narcissists tend to see other people as objects or possessions, they cannot fathom it when they are not obeyed or catered to.
If the person is a friend or acquaintance, the narcissist may just discard them and pretend they don’t exist–but if it’s a family member, things can get more serious.
Learn more, or share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
When it comes to leaving the narcissist and beginning to recover from the abuse you suffered in your relationship, fear of being alone, fear of financial ruin and fear of change are all common roadblocks we deal with as we consider our options.
FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.
Your fears are usually based on what if myths – and they almost always never come to pass. Don’t let fear cause you to sit on the sidelines of change.
Another roadblock that gets in the way is a lack of knowledge.
It’s hard to make changes when you’re not sure exactly how to go about those changes. You might be branching out into an area that’s completely beyond your scope of knowledge at the present time.
Remember that what you don’t know can be learned. Use educational resources as your catalyst for change and success. Strive for new levels of insight that you previously didn’t have.
Do NOT Settle for Good Enough
Thinking that you simply can’t add another thing to your already full life keeps many people stuck where they are. Making changes requires work. So many people see the effort as not worth the payoff – and that’s a mistake.
This belief is what keeps you rooted to that job that you hate, to those messy finances, or to that relationship that’s sucking the life right out of you. Learning better time management skills can be a catalyst for a better life as you clear out things that are a waste of time and make room for what offers the most benefits.
Don’t Stagnate: Happy ‘Enough’ Can Become ‘Truly’ Happy
Being just comfortable enough where you are can be a roadblock to motivate you to change. You’re not 100% happy, but you’re “happy enough.” All this means is that you settled for a life that keeps you locked in your comfort zone.
You’re trading a full life for one that’s half empty – because if you’re not 100% satisfied, then something is missing. That something may be the very thing that you always wanted, but because you were “happy enough,” you’ll never reach it.
Picture the next level of success in every area of your life – finances, career satisfaction, relationships, health – everything that matters most to you.
Focus on how it could be improved and then make a game plan to get you there. If you block out those thoughts in an effort to stay content, you’ll never know what you could have made out of your life if you’d give it a chance.
Wanting everything to be perfect is a huge roadblock to motivation. It’s here where people stall out. They want the new situation to be perfect before they attempt any changes.
They want the new job to have everything in place. They don’t want to take the chance that they’ll make a switch and find it’s not what they wanted. These are people who wait for the “perfect” relationship before getting into one.
Perfectionism is the killer of change because what you see in your mind as perfection doesn’t translate that way in life. That’s because there are no perfect scenarios in a life that’s lived to the fullest.
There are experiences to encounter – and not one of them will be perfect. That’s okay. Perfectionism kills progress. You don’t want to be sitting on the sidelines waiting to get into the game of life.
The number one roadblock that keeps too many people from letting a catalyst be their motivation is the fear of failure. They falsely believe that they haven’t failed yet because they haven’t even tried – so they’re safe.
But whether they realize it or not, they have failed. They’re choosing to stay stagnant in a lesser life than what they dreamed of. That, in itself, is a form of failure.
Another roadblock happens when people wait for change rather than seeking change. They wait for the perfect joint venture partner to come to them instead of seeking one out, because that requires putting themselves on the line.
They wait to see if the person they’re in a relationship with is going to treat them better, rather than speaking up about what they want and deserve. They avoid tough situations and tough conversations because they’re waiting for everything to work out on its own.
Change isn’t something that happens on a whim. It’s something that you make happen. You have to find the motivation within yourself to make that change. And it’s uncomfortable at first.
That’s okay. Take that sign of discomfort as a compliment. It’s proving to you that you’re taking action and bettering your life, even in the face of fear or uneasiness.
Your Mind Can Be a Catalyst
You get the life that you think you deserve. Your mind or your thought patterns lead you to make changes – to take action that alters the life you currently have. What usually happens when someone’s mind leads them to take action is they become so upset with their current situation, they think leaving it where it’s at is no longer an option.
Their emotions will often reach a point that they must make a change. This drive can often start out backed by an emotion. For example, if someone is in a relationship with a person who didn’t treat them that well, they’ll often stick with the relationship until a catalyst fueled by emotion causes a change.
One emotion could be anger. If the person you’re in a relationship with is unfaithful, it’s often anger over the cheating that drives the catalyst – even when the prior bad behavior didn’t induce a change.
Your subconscious knows what you truly want. What happens is this true desire becomes buried deep under what we’re willing to settle for. This is why so many people aren’t living a life full of passion.
You can tell if you’re living a life full of passion by asking yourself this question. Do I love getting out of bed in the morning? If you’re not excited about what you get to do when you get out of bed, that’s a warning sign that you need to find your catalyst.
Whatever it is that motivates you is what will drive you to wake up, ready to start and excel throughout your day. It will drive you to keep going in the face of obstacles.
You’ll continue on – even if you’re the only one who believes in you, or your idea or your change. That’s why it’s vital to your success – to your ability to thrive – that you get in a business that you have a strong emotional attachment to – something you are proud of and believe in strongly.
Did you ever hear of someone who had a terrible health scare because they made bad choices in life that led to the issue? It shook them up – and for awhile, they strictly followed the doctor’s orders.
They ate right. They exercised. They got the amount of sleep that they needed. They quit smoking. They quit drinking. Yet before several months were out, they slipped right back into their old habits.
The catalyst, which was the health scare, came face to face with personal responsibility – and lost. The hard truth is that in order for your catalyst to motivate you, you’re going to have to accept personal responsibility.
The choices that you make in life are your choices. You made them because you thought they were the best option at the time. You might have received bad advice that led you to a decision – but in the end, you were the one that made that choice.
Take Responsibility for Your Life as It Stands, Then Move Forward Being Intentionally Responsible
That’s because they see life as happening to them rather than them making life happen. Accept the responsibility for your mistakes, for your poor choices, for that awful job you shouldn’t have taken, or for that relationship that was a mess from the start that you wasted too much time on.
Once you accept it, you can move on. You can free yourself to finally accept the catalyst for change. Don’t let where you were be a stone around your neck that anchors you to the place where you currently are.
Let the mistakes you made in the past become part of your motivation – part of your growing experience. While growth is hard, all good things happen with the evolution to a different place in life.
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments section.