Finding Your Spark Again After Narcissistic Torture

Finding Your Spark Again After Narcissistic Torture

This is What You Do When a Toxic Relationship Damages Your Self-Esteem

Getting involved in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is something that more people deal with than you’d expect. And when you have to endure mental abuse from your partner, it can have a tremendously negative effect on you that lasts a lifetime. It’s hard to keep “being yourself” sometimes, especially when you consider all the mental abuse and emotional torture you had to endure and your self-esteem takes a major nosedive because of it. The narcissist does it for a couple of reasons – he or she does it to gain control and boost his or her own ego (yes, women can be abusive, too) –  to make you feel worthless and insecure.

The narcissist wants you to have low self-esteem so you won’t think for yourself. Getting out of an unhealthy, toxic relationship like that is the first step you need to take in order to save your own sanity

Building up confidence in yourself will give you the motivation you need to achieve everything you want out of life. 

Try these tips:

1. Start a journal.

2. List your goals in baby steps.

Listen, no one is perfect. You accept your friends and family even though they’re all flawed in a unique way, right? Why not give yourself the same courtesy? Focus on your positive traits and forgive yourself for your flaws and mistakes, alright?

Accept yourself as you are, right now, in this moment. You are good. You are okay. And you are going to get through this. I promise. 

Now it’s your turn: Have you struggled with your self-esteem or self-image during or after narcissistic abuse? How’d you manage? What would you tell a friend who was in the same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below – and let’s discuss it.

Also Visit:
NarcissismSupportCoach.com
BooksAngieWrote.com

Emotional Terrorism: Narcissists Who Gaslight and Torment You on Social Media

Emotional Terrorism: Narcissists Who Gaslight and Torment You on Social Media

So often, I hear from viewers, readers, and my coaching clients that they’re being bullied online by a narcissist – usually, one they’ve been personally involved with.

In those cases, narcissists will do everything from attempting to use social media to publicly and personally humiliate their victims to generally spreading rumors and lies about them – and then some.

For example, when a victim goes no-contact with a toxic narcissist, he or she may first put on a really good “poor me” show for his/her connections. They may ask for advice – “how do I deal with this crazy person” – or they may flat-out make false claims about their target to the world.

So why is this such an effective way to continue to abuse their victims?

In addition to the fact that it often connects to literally everyone you know, social media bullying can be the ultimate platform for life-destroying passive-aggressive behavior – and we all know that’s a narcissist’s comfort zone.

We have so much technology now that’s supposed to streamline our lives and make it easier to connect with the people that we care about.

It’s supposed to make it easier to do business and make good things happen for our careers. But strangely, the technology that was supposed to be the key to our happiness, comfort and success has the potential to backfire.

Instead of helping, especially in toxic situations, the use of technology has led many people to deeper levels of stress, feelings of discontentment and lives so busy that they’re hardly living at all.

Toxic Abuse in the “Virtual”

Often, a narcissist will lash out at a victim through social media – and this may happen either during the relationship or after its over.

They (or their flying monkeys – aka enablers) will spread gossip, harrass you, blow up your PMs or even post publicly on your page – or theirs – to let everyone know how “terrible” you are.

This, like every kind of narcissistic abuse, serves a couple of purposes.

First, people who aren’t clued into the situation will offer the narc sympathy and say nasty things to or about his/her target. This gives the narc some good “supply,” and also helps him/her to accomplish their goal of making you look crazy (hello gaslighting!).

Essentiallly, a toxic narcissist will use social media to target his or her various sources of supply (and/or anyone who makes him/her feel bad about themselves). This might include ex-spouses, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, current partner, new wife or girlfriend of an ex, colleagues, friends and even people the narcissist never met. I’ve personally had this one happen quite often, doing what I do, as I’m sure you can imagine.

In addition to basically anyone who makes a narc feel bad about him/herself and her behavior, the narcissist may target anyone who gets in their way and/or anyone they fear will expose their true nature.

Many narcissists (not to mention histrionics, borderlines and other self-obsessed, abusive personality types) use Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and other platforms to run smear campaigns, make false allegations abput their targets – and more.

Others will go so as far as to use social media to perpetrate parent/child alienation (especially with divorced and/or step-parent situations) and to stalk and harass their targets while simultaneously portraying themselves as the much-maligned victim, superman/woman and/or mother/father of the year.

Let’s talk about emotional terrorism.

Since a lot of narcissists are especially gifted when it comes to finding your sensitive issues – the little “sore spots” we all have – they intuitively use social media to lash out at or attack their victims.

They’ll hurt people without a second thought, and they’ll do it while making themselves look like the injured party – it’s narcissistic injury on crack.

Of course, they use this platform to push people around and down – and raise themselves up. They need to have power over other people, and they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want.

Listen, these aren’t new behaviors for narcissists in general – it just allows them to reach a bigger audience. It’s the whole smear campaign thing times a million.

So how do you deal with being gaslighted and manipulated through social media?

You start by not getting involved. If you see it happen, immediately block the narcissist so they don’t have access to your profile and can’t tag you in their drama.

Even though it’s complete bullshit, you have to stand firm by not getting involved. If you DO fire back publicly through social media, the narcissist will only use it to cement his/her case – “see, I told you she/he was crazy!”

Even if you’re just an online bystander to someone else’s drama, if you experience that, your mind will register the same type of anxious response as if you had been involved and your feelings will follow the lead of your thoughts.

When you see how wonderful someone else’s life appears to be online, it can lead you to become discontent and irritable. It can make you focus on the negative instead of looking at the positive.

Dealing with Narcissists in Social Media? Awareness of Your Thoughts is Key

Online interaction can also make you feed yourself negative self talk – especially when you see others who are better looking, richer, have nicer homes, easier looking lives and appear to be having more fun.

Not only will you feel bad about yourself, but your stress level will go up. When you practice mindfulness in associating with your technology use, you’ll discover that your happiness level will increase.

You can do this by setting limits on when you’ll be online and how much time you’ll spend online. Refuse to keep your cellphone with you 24/7. When you are on social media or online, find ways to use it to do something positive such as encourage someone else.

Let go of the things online that are irrelevant to your life or that make your negativity or stress level rise. When you do go online, make sure that you have a defined purpose and a time limit and stick to that.

So, if you’re there right now, or if you’ve been there before, tell me about your experiences. How did you deal? What tips would you offer another survivor in the same situation?

Related articles

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery:  10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: 10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson10 steps to taking back your life

So, you found yourself involved with a toxic narcissist, and before you knew it, you were fully enmeshed and dealing with the full spectrum of mental and emotional abuse that is so common of a narc.

By now, you’ve realized that chances for the narcissist to change and become a less damaged version of him/her self is unlikely – maybe even impossible.

Whether you’re still working on a way to get out or you’ve already left, you’ve got a long road ahead of you when it comes to recovery. One of the biggest hurdles is sort of “reprogramming your brain” in order to let go of the poisonous thoughts and beliefs that the narc’s emotional and mental  torture have almost certainly left behind.

It’s time to empower yourself!

When you were actively engaging with the narcissist, you probably eventually stopped trying to make choices of your own. That’s because by doing so, you may have found yourself the victim of added gaslighting and other kinds of covert abuse – maybe even less than covert. 

But now that you’ve left, or are planning to leave, you’ve got to learn to choose your own path – and that can begin by simply deciding what you want and then taking the steps you want to get there – simple as that.

Still, when things don’t go your way, do you know how to deal? Can you cope with the hard times on your own?

Ask yourself this: When life isn’t going your way, do you empower yourself to make improvements?

Most people are great at getting themselves worked up into a state that’s anything but empowering, and when you’ve been abused by a narcissist, the effects of PTSD can become overwhelming. When things get challenging, we need all of our resources if we’re really going to turn things around.

We all have the power to overcome our negative thinking and emotions. And we all have the power to bring about positive change in our lives.

As you go about your recovery process, there are some really simple steps you can take that will help you to regain some control over your life.

1. Be assertive. Because we’ve been abused by these toxic people, many of us have become too passive to ever accomplish anything significant. I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes you have to declare what you want. Sometimes you have to say ‘no’ to others. You don’t have to be selfish, but there’s nothing wrong with making a decision and then making it happen.

2. Make a list of your 10 greatest strengths. Now think of ways that you can leverage them to your advantage. If you’re going to take back control of your life quickly, you’ll probably need your strengths to accomplish it.

3. It’s also worthwhile to think about your 10 greatest weaknesses. These are commonly the things that get us into trouble. What you can do to reduce the impact of your weaknesses?

4. Stop making excuses. Excuses limit you and prevent you from taking charge of the situation. If you can take responsibility, you can change the situation. Excuses give you a justification for being passive. If you believe that something is outside of your control, you also believe that you can’t do anything to change it.

5. Get more sleep. Most people simply don’t sleep enough to be at their best. Studies have shown that most people experience improved mood, clarity of thought, and increased energy if they increase their sleep by one hour per night. Turn off the TV and go to bed an hour earlier.

6. Do the most important things first. Spend the first hour or two each morning on the most important tasks you have for the day. Your focus and energy will be at their greatest.

7. Decide which area of your life would have the greatest impact if improved. Focus on the one area of your life that will make the biggest difference. If you’re already making $1 million a year, making more money probably isn’t going to have a great impact on your life.

8. Forget about expectations. The whole world seems to tell us what we should be doing. What would you do if you were free of all of those expectations? Choose for yourself for a change.

9. Figure out what’s holding you back. Why aren’t you already living your life the way you choose? What’s preventing you? What are you afraid of? What can you do to work around these challenges? Develop a plan to get past this resistance.

10. Make the necessary changes. After all of the above steps, you know what you need to do. It’s time to do what needs to be done. Take action.

[wdsm_ad id=”14441″ class=” aligncenter” ] 

Few things are as fulfilling as having full control over your life – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can mean the difference between being happy and fulfilled and being completely destroyed.

Take back control of your life NOW! You’ll feel like there’s nothing you can’t do. The world is just sitting there, patiently waiting for you to take control of your life. Get started today by taking the first steps. A few steps each day become quite significant very quickly.

Need help with taking back YOUR life? Try my Take Back Your Life Course at Udemy.

 
Why Narcissists Love to Rage – The Psychology of Narcissistic Rage

Why Narcissists Love to Rage – The Psychology of Narcissistic Rage

“No one can tell you all that love is, but I can tell you what it isn’t. One thing that I’ve found to be true is that REAL LOVE doesn’t hurt – at all.  And when you are hurting, it’s not from a place of love! Don’t confuse the two.” ~Tony Gaskins, Jr. on Toxic Love, The Daily LoveHow to Understand Narcissistic Rage

Understanding Narcissistic Rage

If you’ve ever lived with, known, or loved a narcissist, you have likely been the victim of narcissistic rage, a term first introduced in a 1972 book entitled The Analysis of the Self.

This kind of rage manifests when a narcissist vents his frustration when their ego takes a hit. Since narcissists have an inflated level of self-importance, they often find it hard to deal with criticism, real or perceived. So, if you or someone else happens to insult the narcissist’s fragile ego, you can expect a serious backlash – and it’s not going to be pretty.

If you’re currently in a toxic relationship involving a narcissist, it’s important that you understand these narcissistic rages and why they happen – and even if you’ve already left your narcissist, it might help you to understand WHY you were treated the way you were – because truly, it wasn’t (and ISN’T) your fault.

What is narcissistic rage?

Often coupled with narcissistic injury, narcissistic rage is used by a narcissist when they know they’re wrong but won’t admit it, or when they don’t get what they want, or when people don’t treat them different or more special than others, or when their sense of entitlement is threatened – anytime things don’t go their way. This is when narcissists get inconsolably angry in an attempt to bully or coerce you into giving them what they want.

Why causes a narcissist to rage?

Psychologists have identified several typical causes for narcissistic behavior and personalities, including a general obsession with self, often gained through certain experiences during childhood. They often have an addiction to anger, and as they rage, it’s often because of a blow to their inflated sense of self-esteem.

They may often make self-deprecating statements, no doubt silently begging you to disagree with them and tell them how amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and perfect they REALLY are…and when you don’t, the rage could begin.

As I said, a narcissistic rage often launches when narcs become defensive because they think you’re insulting them (or if you attempted to communicate a problem or concern about your relationship with one). They may also be caused when a narcissist finds himself feeling unfulfilled and blames the victim/target for that feeling. The narcissist feels powerful when they rage at you, and they’re not likely to stop until their requirements are met – or until they get bored or tired of it.

What if the narcissist doesn’t get what they want when they rage?

As we’ve previously discussed, narcissists believe that by appearing perfect, they can get the love, admiration, attention, and/or respect they feel they deserve. But when they think that someone feels they’re “not perfect” or “not good enough,” they often find themselves feeling shameful or anxious. Sometimes this can manifest as guilt or anger.

In any case, when a narcissist’s self-esteem takes a hit, they might react in a number of ways on a broad spectrum—anywhere from just being mildly irritated all the way to having seriously explosive tantrums that can even become violent in some cases.

This kind of “narcissistic injury” causes the narcissist to need to destroy the perceived threat to his self-esteem, and by raging against the offender/victim, the narcissist is able to feel safe and powerful again—and like he or she has total control over the environment.

What is narcissistic injury?

Narcissistic injury is displayed when a narcissist gets upset, hurt, or offended about being treated like a normal person, or when they don’t get special treatment or favors, or literally anytime they don’t get what they want. In most cases, this is a manipulation tactic often used in combination with narcissistic rage to get what they want from a target. It can also be a clear indication of the narcissist’s struggling self-esteem, but most often, it’s simply a type of “victim act” used to get what they want.

Are there different types of narcissistic rage?

There are three primary types of narcissistic rage, including explosive rage, passive-aggressive rage, and rage that causes self-harm.

Explosive Narcissistic Rage

An explosive rage happens when a narcissist has a violent outburst, whether it’s physical or verbal. This is the most obvious kind of narcissistic rage, but since the narcissist usually uses this type of rage behind closed doors, only those closest to the narcissist actually see it. However, in rare cases, the narcissist may explode in public (think: your average “Karen,” for example).

Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists express passive-aggressive rage as a way to passively punish you. They might do this by ignoring you, by being blatantly rude, or even by doing nice things for another person and flaunting them in your face. In any case, you’ll know it’s happening, and the narcissist will feel perfectly fine with telling you you’re crazy and pretending they’re not doing anything at all. In some cases, they might even be so bold as to inform you of your infraction and require you to submit to the punishment willingly in order to make your way back into their good graces.

Self-Harm and Narcissistic Rage

When a narcissist manifests his rage through self-harm, you might not understand what’s happening. It doesn’t seem consistent with the narcissist’s personality– but it DOES get them plenty of attention. Some narcissists have been known to cut, burn or even stab themselves, among other extreme self-injuries, during a narcissistic rage.

Have you been the victim of a narcissistic rage? How did you handle it? What would you tell a friend or loved one who was dealing with a narcissist on a regular basis? 

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

The good news is that you’re not alone here. Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Related articles

Answered: Is Extreme Self Confidence Just Arrogance in Disguise?

Answered: Is Extreme Self Confidence Just Arrogance in Disguise?

“Calm self-confidence is as far from conceit as the desire to earn a decent living is remote from greed.” ~Channing Pollock

Extremely self confident or really arrogant? How to know for sure.

How is high self-esteem different from arrogance?

Submitted by a Reader:

I was a shy and insecure kid and teenager, but the older I get, the more self-confidence I have. It didn’t come easy, though. I worked hard to get here and I work hard to stay here. I work out and eat right, and I have a job I really love. I’m in a good relationship and I’m thinking of getting married and starting a family in the near future.

After years of feeling like I just wasn’t good enough, I feel great about myself finally, and I’m not afraid to let my confidence shine through. This is working great for me and I am mostly really happy with life. 

But here’s the problem. My mom and my sister seem to think I’ve become “really full of myself.” They are always making snide comments about how I need to be humble and how I shouldn’t “brag:” so much. I don’t brag, I just tell them the good things that are happening in my life. I am trying to stay positive like you suggest because I want my life to keep getting better.

But these two are always saying I have to “face my issues,” which I have done already. I just don’t want to focus on them. They are just sooo negative and I don’t know how to make them stop acting that way. What can I do to change the way they treat me? Or do you think I am the one in the wrong here?

Dear Reader,

First, let me congratulate you on your emerging self-confidence! I know how hard it can be to overcome insecurity, and I applaud you for taking charge and making positive changes in your life.

Now, as far as your mom and your sister go, the first thing you need to recognize is that, most likely, the reason they can’t be happy for you and your newfound confidence is that they, themselves, are insecure for some reason. Your success most likely makes them more aware of their own failures or insecurities.

It’s also important to know that it’s not your responsibility to help them feel better about themselves. You can definitely offer support and compliments whenever possible, but unless they have the desire to make positive changes within themselves, your input will only go so far.

So, my suggestion to you is to focus on your own perceptions, both of them and of yourself. Continue to work on feeling good about yourself and your life, and don’t allow anyone else to define you. You get to decide who you are, and you do not have to accept negative perceptions from anyone else.

Heads up: Do you think you might be dealing with a narcissist? Find out here. 

As I told another reader who was struggling with feelings of unworthiness, your mother and sister aren’t alone–approximately 85 percent of all people have felt like they weren’t good enough at one time or another. It’s a common and unfortunate phenomenon in our society, one that you dealt with yourself in the past.

Rather than let their feelings of inferiority affect you, try just acknowledging them and moving forward. So, the next time you hear a snide remark about yourself, just let it pass. You don’t need to defend yourself–this only adds fuel to their unhappy fire. Instead, just focus on something that makes you feel good.

It can be really tough to handle negativity from the people you love, especially when you’re on such a positive track yourself. It’s human nature to want to share your joy with the people around you, and it can be disheartening when they’re not willing to be happy for you.

Just remember that no one else can define you. Not only do you get to do that yourself, but you don’t have to accept anyone else’s definition either.

As writer Peter Murphy says, “Just because someone is concerned for your welfare does not mean that their advice or input has value.”

You can also change your expectations. Remember that we get what we expect–so if you expect your mother and sister to be negative, they’re sure to give it to you. Try changing the way you feel about them. While you can’t directly change another person, you can focus on the good things about them as much as possible, and you might notice a positive change in them too.

In the end, try to stop worrying so much about what other people think and focus instead on how you feel. That’s when you’ll truly find peace.

So, how about you? How do you handle negativity from the people you love?

Get Help WIth Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

These resources will help you with your narcissistic abuse recovery.

Pin It on Pinterest