So, you’re in a relationship with a toxic narcissist who is all about him or her self. By now, you likely understand your role of narcissistic supply quite well, am I right? You are the constant scapegoat, caregiver, cheerleader and general whipping boy/girl. Right?
(Example: your best friend dies and your spouse focuses on how upset he or she is, rather than on supporting you emotionally in any way, shape or form. And then he/she gets angry at you because YOU can’t support HIM/HER when your best friend just died.)
And often, you hear those little sticky phrases – the ones that are repeated over and over until they become unintentional guides of your own self-perception.
“These are the choices that you have made…”
(Implied: I told you so. And now you will be punished for disobeying me or ignoring my advice.)
This phrase stuck in my head for years. Every time I’d ask my narcissistic parent to support me emotionally (which I specifically and stupidly did, over and over again), that phrase would be repeated, and it would be the reason that I didn’t deserve to be comforted.
The fact that I didn’t take the “advice” or direct orders given me made me wrong and deserving of my pain.
It made me not worthy of comfort, and it made me worth less respect and concern.
The only way to prove myself worthy again would be months of following orders, doing as I was told, becoming the person I was “supposed” to be, according to the narcissist. It was a process, earning back a narcissist’s trust.
And under no circumstances could that process be sped up. It was all part of the narcissistic game.
Living with a narcissist is like living with your own personal psychological terrorist. You feel me?
Recently, we discussed what to do when the narcissist gives you the old silent treatment – but what about when their manipulation takes a whole new turn – what happens when the gaslighting and other sneaky tactics become a way of life rather than an occasional issue.
You already probably know what my first and preferred answer is: you go no contact if possible. But, since life is as it is, we know that isn’t always an option, at least not in the short-term.
So, how do do you survive co-existing with a narcissist? Start here.
Remember that, just like a leopard, a narcissist never changes his spots.
So, you’ll need to focus on both educating yourself and using the facts that you know about narcissists to your advantage. And, while I may joke on occasion that it’s possible to control a narcissist or to beat the narcissist at his own game, the truth is that in the end, you’ll always be a loser if you stick around to find out the score.
Understand that any emotion you direct at or express near the narcissist must be either in praise of or defense of the narcissist’s thoughts, ideas, appearance, possessions and/or general existence. If you can’t figure out a way to express your thoughts and feelings in that fashion, it may be best to keep them to yourself, if you want to keep peace and your sanity in tact. The fact is that if you go outside of those boundaries, the narcissist will quickly make you wish you hadn’t – so save yourself the trouble and talk to someone else – even if it’s just a private journal.
If you don’t have anyone you can trust, join my free online support group and start talking – we are a confidential and close-knit group of actively engaged survivors.
If you absolutely need to express something to the narcissist that isn’t within his spectrum of tolerance, you need to do it in a way that makes him feel like he’s the one in control. So, if you need him to be at home to meet the plumber on a day you can’t, you have to tell him something like, “I’m just not as smart as you are about this stuff – you’d totally be my hero if you’d help me out on this one. Can you keep an eye on the plumber today and make sure he’s not screwing us over on his bill?”
This puts him in a position of both authority and control and lets him know that not only are you not “as good as” him, but that you are aware of it and willing to beg for his help (in his narcissistic perception).
Quit Your Stressing and Take Back Control of Your Mind (And Your Life)
So you’ve been stuck to the narcissist for awhile now, and maybe you’re becoming someone you don’t even recognize (much less like). From your perspective, you occasionally wonder if maybe the narcissist IS right and maybe you’re really a total screwup, after all. Maybe you are a little crazy, huh?
No, you’re not. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you already know all his tricks – and he knows this. That just causes him to keep at it, always looking for new ways to fool you and/or control you into doing what he wants.
If you find yourself constantly complaining about what is happening TO YOU, thanks to your narcissistic relationship, that means that you must believe you have a real need to complain and your life isn’t where you would like it to be – and that means you have got t change your thinking if you want to change your situation.
Even if you don’t complain to anyone out loud, you probably know someone who does and it makes everyone feel uncomfortable. And there’s a reason that happens – most people are naturally pushed away by negative energy – and those who would be drawn in by it probably aren’t people you really want to be connected to anyway, you know?
So what can be done to correct it and get back to positive living that leads to the life you really want?
Complaining and focusing on things you don’t love can become a really a bad habit. A habit, whether good or bad, is an urge to adopt that action no matter what the consequences. The more you feed the habit the more it will take control of your life and the harder it is to kick.
Complaining typically stems from negative thoughts you’ve created. You realize you’re the cause of your thoughts so you blame yourself and vent it with complaining. Refuse to let those negative thoughts become you. We become what we think just like we become what we eat, drink or do. If we put good into our body and mind then good will come out. Of course, if we put bad things into our body and mind such as drugs and negative thoughts then bad will come out. It’s inevitable – and it’s up to you to correct.
Negative thinking and complaining can be just as addictive as a drug.
Whatever your mind is used to thinking that’s what it craves. Admit you have negative thoughts and that you are their creator. Realize too that these thoughts lead only to more negativity and more addiction. You know what you’re doing but can’t help yourself until you admit to your problem and let it go.
Relax and let your negative thoughts disappear. It may take a while but it can be done and when negative thinking is stopped so will your complaining.
You didn’t become what you are overnight and you can’t expect to become what you desire overnight either. If that were the case we would all be perfect in mind and body. It’s a fight that can be won with constant dedication and awareness.
Don’t doubt yourself.
Believe in yourself. We choose what we think and we choose what we are and can become.
Accept responsibility for your actions and let it go. Then take positive steps to accept what needs to be done to achieve your goal. Dedicate yourself to getting it done. This will disrupt your mind’s pattern of thinking and it will be easy to fall back into the old ways.
Surround yourself with positive energy, people and things and these will seep into your mind until they become you and your new habit is formed. Whatever was bad in your environment that caused you to complain get rid of it. Each step toward a positive emotion gives you confidence to continue.
We all tend to blame others for stuff that goes wrong in our lives. And even though you probably have some very legitimate complaints, thanks to your narcissist, the truth is that only politicians can do that and get away with playing the blame game.
If you don’t like the life your living or the thoughts you’re thinking then change it. Take responsibility and take control today and discover a new you tomorrow – feel me?
The silent treatment can feel like psychological torture, and it can cause you to feel like you’re going crazy. This is why learning the truth about narcissists and their manipulative behavior is vital for those of us who are enmeshed with them.
Here’s the truth: living with and spending time with a malignant narcissist can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, at the very least.
And, unfortunately, it can also lead to situations where you’re so focused on getting the narcissist to change that you overlook other important aspects of your life.
How do you deal with the silent treatment of a narcissist?
Not only is it emotionally exhausting, but it makes you feel like you’re completely worthless, and it can make you feel like you’re losing your mind!
So what are you supposed to do when you’re the victim of the silent treatment?
Most experts will tell you that ideally, this would be a two-word answer: no contact.
But in real life, things don’t always work ideally, and people sometimes need to live with narcissists – so let’s dig into this.
What is the narcissist’s silent treatment?
The silent treatment is a manipulation tactic where a toxic narcissist will stop talking to you for days, hours, weeks, or even months to punish you for some perceived slight. It can cause severe emotional and psychological damage if you don’t realize what is happening.
What is the goal of silent treatment?
The silent treatment enables a narcissist can take the “spotlight” from you – even inside your own head. It is one way they can sort of become the center of your life.
Their goal is to cause you to become so obsessed with figuring out what to do to resolve it that you might even stop thinking about yourself, which can lead to your boundaries being violated one by one until the narcissist has complete control over you.
You would naturally stop attempting to take care of yourself in the process because you’re so focused on the narcissist.
Understanding the Narcissist’s Silent Treatment
Awareness is the first step on the road to healing from narcissistic abuse, and that means avoiding recreating the type of environment which will allow these toxic people to flourish in our lives again.
And, in the case of a covert narcissist, you might often find yourself getting the old silent treatment – AKA the discard phase.
So the first thing you have to do is to educate yourself about the situation. I always say that knowledge is power, and the first fact you need to know about this issue is exactly why narcissists give you the silent treatment in the first place.
It’s critical to recognize that while many people have times when they need to retreat to think about things, someone who cares about you will never use this abusive tactic to punish you.
The silent treatment isn’t a tactic that a healthy person would use to manipulate you.
Normal (as in non-narcissist) people don’t punish someone they love for THEIR bad behavior (such as being caught in a lie), but narcissists most definitely will. This should be a red flag for you.
According to Medical News Today, there are three primary reasons people use silent treatment: avoidance, communication, and punishment.
Avoidance as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment
The “avoidance” tactic is less likely to be used by narcissists but more likely to be used by someone who is afraid of conflict.
It’s literally what it sounds like – you’ll find yourself hiding out and avoiding calls and contact with someone who is likely to confront or attack you – think of it as an attempt to steer clear of drama in a high-tension situation.
In avoidance, the person using the silent treatment would be most likely to be codependent (or the victim of a malignant narcissist).
Communication as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment
There are some times when people try to use the silent treatment as a form of communication. In other words, to get their point across, they are manipulating someone and attempting to communicate that they’re feeling upset or bothered by that person’s behavior.
A person may use the silent treatment if they do not know how to express their feelings but want their partner to see that they’re angry or upset. Many narcissists use this kind of silent treatment, but it’s not only a narcissistic behavior.
Punishment as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment
When someone uses silent treatment as a way to take control of you or to punish you, you’re dealing with emotional and psychological abuse.
The “punishment” tactic is probably the narcissist’s favorite way to engage in silent treatment.
Unfortunately, narcissists also often use this type of silent treatment as part of an attempt to gaslight you.
‘Cold’ and ‘Milder’ Forms of Silent Treatment – Hostile Withholding
There are other forms of silent treatment, of course. For example, according to Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., sometimes people will not cut off communication completely, but they’ll change the way they’re interacting.
“Some abusers engage in what may appear to be a “milder” form of the silent treatment, in which they do not maintain total silence but still cut off their partners emotionally,” Aronson writes in a Psychology Today article.
“When angered by their partner, some people turn a little cold,” she says. “They may be ‘correct’ in their responses, not outwardly mean, but still treat their partner like someone they barely know, or like a neighbor or colleagues at work. This is crazy-making because when confronted, the person acting cold will deny it.”
The Psychology of the Silent Treatment
In general, the silent treatment can be intentional or accidental. However, sometimes it is used as a form of social control. At other times, it may indicate that the person has no respect for your value as a person and regards you as less than human.
Regardless of its intent, using silent treatment toward others can have devastating consequences.
And when it comes to narcissists using this tactic – it is always about manipulation and/or punishment. So let’s discuss why narcissists are so prone to using silent treatment as a way to manipulate and punish you.
See, whether they recognize it consciously or not, narcissists are wired to sort of “push your buttons” to get what they want.
Now, you might wonder which button they’re trying to push when they go silent, right? You might be surprised to find out that it’s not about making you crazy from lack of communication or pure boredom – instead, it’s about playing on your own worst fears.
And, I’m betting, one of your worst fears is the fear of being alone in the world with no one to help or support or be there for you. Am I right?
And I’m guessing that if you’re currently involved (or were previously involved) with a narcissist, you’re thinking of all kinds of little things the narcissist did to play on your fears.
So, by verbally and emotionally “cutting you off,” the narcissist offers you a taste of what life might be without his charming godlike awesome self (did you detect that bit of sarcasm there??).
So, that’s the why – the narcissist ignores and belittles and devalues you because it plays on your fear of being alone. He hopes that in enacting this silent narcissistic rage against you, he will force you into submission and into being the good little narcissistic supply he needs.
The silent treatment works particularly well on sensitive, empathic people (who are often quite attractive to narcissists) because we are wired to respond to and attempt to soothe the emotions of the people around us, especially those we love. Do you feel me?
How Do You Beat the Narcissist’s Silent Treatment?
Okay, so how do you deal with this behavior without completely losing your mind? The good news? You don’t have to take it lying down, and there are ways you can beat the narcissist’s silent treatment.
If you’re staying in the relationship because you have no choice, you can play the game. In order to do this, make sure you take care of yourself and that you don’t allow yourself to become overly isolated.
Keep in mind that one of the narcissist’s playbook moves is to isolate you from others in your life – the silent treatment will make you want to oblige in some cases, and you might even end up isolating yourself.
Find something that you enjoy to engage you, and don’t be afraid to sort of enjoy the break from their drama, if at all possible.
But in the end, the best option is to leave, go no contact, and move forward.
So, as always, I want to say that if you are being physically abused, none of the following is relevant, and I want you to get help now – stop reading and start packing, sister.
Make No Mistake: The Silent Treatment IS Abuse
The fact is that the silent treatment is painful, and it makes you miserable. As someone likely codependent, you may feel that you need to fix whatever you did wrong to get the narcissist to be nice to you again.
But the truth is that this is precisely what the narcissist wants – for you to bend over backward trying to appease them. All the while, the narcissist has no intention of allowing that to happen – they will only stop using the silent treatment when it is convenient for them, or they want or need something from you.
If you work on your self-esteem, and you learn how to set proper boundaries, and you recognize that you are worthy of love and respect – you’re already on your way to learning how to disarm the narcissist‘s silent treatment.
You don’t just have to accept it and carry around this false hope that the narcissist will change one day. (Chances are, they won’t.)
How to Disarm the Narcissist Who is Using Silent Treatment
Picture this. You’re getting the silent treatment again, a painful part of the discard phase that everyone who’s ever been in a narcissist’s cycle of abuse can recall.
Maybe you’ve been accused of being selfish or of ignoring the narcissist’s emotional or physical needs, of being dishonest, arrogant, lazy, or any number of other insulting descriptives.
(But, for the record, what’s happening most of the time is projection—narcissists project their inadequacies onto their victims. So, as usual, it’s all about the narcissist, not about you.)
How to Cope with the Silent Treatment
Assuming you’re going to play the game, this is what you do to cope with the silent treatment.
The next time you’re confronted with the icy, hateful silent treatment for yet another perceived infraction, please come back here and reread this article. And I want you to remember that this is a game of control – the narcissist believes he can control you with his lack of communication and concern.
Refuse to Respond
The only way to take back the power here is to refuse to respond. So, don’t give them the reaction they’re seeking or the narcissistic supply you usually would under these circmstances.
Instead, you go on about your life as though they aren’t there, or you do whatever you’d typically do, and you blatantly ignore his behavior, no matter how much narcissistic rage they spew your way.
Literally, act as though it is not happening and keep going. Your lack of response will bore them and they’ll look for another way to get to you. (This is why it’s important to ONLY use this practice on a narcissist who is not going to physically abuse you).
Avoid These Behaviors
If you’re going to make this work and seem convincing enough that they’ll stop using the silent treatment on you, there are some behaviors you’ll need to avoid. That means:
Do not send texts trying to reason with them.
Do not post whiney crap on your Facebook page for all to see.
Do not allow him to know that he is affecting you in any way at all.
Do not give him what he wants when he behaves this way.
When the narcissist realizes they’re not breaking your heart, they’ll try something new. And while this will not solve your narcissist problem, it will stop them from enacting the silent treatment for long.
One last tip: when the narcissist decides the silent treatment is over, and they need your narcissistic supply again, they will do anything in their power to “suck you back in,” a move we call “the hoover maneuver.”
Don’t fall for it – it’s not going to get better, and they’re not really planning to change. In fact, the moment you relent and allow the narcissist back into your heart and life – they’ll go right back to the same old behavior.
As someone who has survived and thrived despite having experienced various forms of emotional abuse, thanks to involvement with narcissists in my own life, it was often hard to see while I was in the “thick of it.”
So how do you know if the relationship is really emotionally abusive? When it’s physical abuse, it’s often pretty obvious, but emotional abuse can be incredibly hard to detect, especially if your victimizer is a narcissist.
On the plus side, there are plenty of warning signs.
If your significant other is a narcissist, he (or she) might engage in certain narcissistic behaviors and types of manipulation, such as the ever-pervasive gaslighting tactic that is the bane of so many victims of narcissistic relationships.
Consider himself the “boss” and insist on making all the decisions in your relationship/family/life?
Snoop through your stuff? Does he refuse to allow any privacy? Does he go through your mail, hack your email or Facebook account or go through your personal belongings?
Get excessively angry without warning or over tiny things?
Have the whole “Jekyll and Hyde” deal happening – where one side of him seems charming or even sweet and loving, while the other is mean, spiteful and downright hurtful?
Play games with your head? Tell lies in order to confuse you or blame you for something you didn’t do?
Become overly critical of everything about you when you don’t do what he wants?
Make you feel like you’re always “walking on eggshells” or living with constant stress, anxiety or generally in fear?
Withhold affection in order to punish you?
Give you the “silent treatment” when you don’t do what he wants?
Humiliate you?
Expect you to ask for permission to do stuff, as though you’re a child?
Threaten to hurt himself when he doesn’t get his way or if you threaten to leave?
Physical Abuse: DO NOT WAIT!
Listen, emotional abuse is awful and can make you completely miserable. But physical abuse is a whole other ball of wax. While you should never stay in an abusive situation, you have to remember that when physical abuse is a factor, there is absolutely no fixing it – and your life could literally depend on you getting away safely.
Physically abuse you in any way? Push, shove, grab, punch, hits or strike you with hands or fists?
Threaten or assault you with weapons, such as household objects or knives?
Blame you for his abusive behavior, saying things such as “look what you made me do,” or “well, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had to hit you?”
According to Dr. Phil, the following are signs of sexual abuse. If you’re being sexually abused, you can’t wait – you need to get out ASAP. If you don’t have any support (which is unfortunately common for victims of narcissism and abuse, since abusers often isolate their victims), start here, and check out these resources as well.
You are being sexually abused if your partner:
Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
Held you down during sex.
Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
As someone who has survived and thrived despite having experienced various forms of emotional abuse, thanks to involvement with narcissists in my own life, it was often hard to see while I was in the “thick of it.”