The #1 Reason You Keep Falling for Narcissists Will Shock You

The #1 Reason You Keep Falling for Narcissists Will Shock You

Have you ever wondered why you can’t resist a narcissist? Or why they make you feel so good? Or why you keep ending up with them? 

Did you ever think about the fact that, when you first realized you were in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, you looked around your life and found one or more other toxic people in your inner circle? 

This video will help you understand how and why your attachment style has led you to be a perfect target for narcissists. 

Why are narcissists and codepdendents so often connected? 

You hate to admit it, but you’ve been in relationships with narcissists before, maybe more often than you even realize. You might be a bit oversensitive – some people call you an empath – and maybe you have a pretty strong need to please others.

That explains why the narcissist might be attracted to you, right?

But then why are you attracted to them, especially when you know better?

It’s easy – they’re charming, they were complimentary towards you, they were nice and courteous – everything that you want in a partner – at least at first.

There is actually a scientific reason why people with codependent personalities are drawn to narcissists – and why narcissists are equally drawn to codependents. 

Are you a magnet for narcissists?

I used to think I was a magnet for narcissists. Then I learned about what kind of codependent people attract narcissists.

The mysterious force that causes you to keep ending up with a narcissist, despite the patterns you’ve realized, the mistakes you’ve made, and the lessons that you’ve learned, has been linked by researchers to John Bowlby’s attachment theory and your own attachment style.

So, the fact that narcissists and codependents find one another irresistible really isn’t all that mysterious. In fact, we’ve got the science to prove it.

How does attachment style make you so irresistable to narcissists (and vice versa)?

The attachment style you developed very early in life is responsible for a lot of your current behaviors.

Your particular attachment style leads to codependency, which attracts narcissists and leads you to compulsive caregiving and being a “fixer” who finds value in people-pleasing and taking care of the needs of others as you ignore your own.

No matter how much they care, no matter how much they need you and depend on you, these relationships are not healthy or happy on any level – the other person is simply selfish and reckless. And that’s putting it mildly.

This is exactly why your subconscious brain is wired to seek out validation, which makes you susceptible to becoming narcissistic supply. narcissists are drawn to you just as much as you’re drawn to them – and neither of you can really do anything about it.

Is there any way to make it work with a narcissist?

Sadly, you won’t be able to work it out with a narcissist in a mutually satisfying way where you can both be happy. There are many reasons this is true – and it’s not just my opinion. 

Read: Can narcissists change? The Experts Weigh In

Bottom line: while it’s alluring to believe that you can be with a narcissist and still feel good about yourself, the reality is that when you involve yourself with a narcissist, you’re embarking on a one-way journey that leads to inevitable suffering.

The only way to resolve this is for you to break away from the narcissist – how long you’ve been involved with them is irrelevant.

The unfortunate truth is that you’ve got to go no contact and get healthy, eventually.

Otherwise, your relationships will always be unhealthy, your self-esteem will never fully recover, and no matter how close to perfect your relationship may seem superficially (in other words, it’s never as good as it seems or as bad as it seems), there will always be something amiss in the long run.

Are you codependent?

Try our free codependency test here. If you are codependent, learn to relate to the narcissist as you would an addict.

Recognize that narcissists are not capable of empathizing with others and know that the only people they care about is themselves. 

One final takeaway we would like to offer you is this: in your journey towards narcissistic abuse recovery, don’t be afraid to reach out for help, whether you have a friend or family member who can help, or you need help from others who may understand better. 

For example, here at QueenBeeing Narcissitic Abuse Recovery Support, you might like to: 

Remember that:

You can also:

Narcissists do not want you to seek treatment – they will actually fight against it. But don’t let that stop you from moving forward. Seeking out help can bring along a long healthy life and peaceful relationships.

How to Stop Apologizing So Much

How to Stop Apologizing So Much

“I am determined to offer an apology with my death.” ~Hideki Tojo.

Have you ever noticed that people who survived narcissistic abuse tend to apologize often?

If you’ve been feeling guilty because you said or did something that made another person upset, then you might need to rethink your approach. It’s natural to feel bad when you make mistakes, especially when they affect others. 

But apologizing for things you haven’t done isn’t going to help anyone.

Of course, as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, your people-pleasing ways can be more than just an annoyance; it can cause you to lose control of yourself and your life.

Do you apologize too often?

A heartfelt apology can be healing, but even asking for forgiveness can be taken too far – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can become a really bad habit. You may need to cut back if you apologize when you ask to see a menu or bump into a chair.

You’re sorry. It’s become a habit. You can tell because you’ve been apologizing even if they didn’t ask you to. Or, maybe you apologized even if you believed the other party was wrong – and they heaped on more guilt.

And if you’re like me, you struggle to find the perfect balance between “too much” and “not enough.” But no worries. You can stop apologizing so much.

Finding a balance can be tricky.

After all, taking responsibility for your actions and making amends shows you have solid character and strengthens your relationships. However, when saying you’re sorry becomes excessive, you could undermine your confidence and annoy your friends.

Learn where to draw the line so you can express remorse without feeling guilty for insignificant things or beyond your control.

Use these ideas to become more aware of your behavior and find alternatives to apologizing.

How to Stop Excessively Apologizing

Has saying you’re sorry become so automatic that you don’t even realize you’re doing it? You’ll need to recognize your patterns so that you can change them.

Try these ideas:

Slow down.

Take a deep breath before you blurt out an apology. Give yourself time to think about what you want to do instead of operating on autopilot.

Check your motives.

You might be trying to gain security or appear agreeable. You might even be pretending to be sorry, so you won’t have to listen to the other person’s point of view. In any case, check to see if you’re really remorseful.

Learn how to say NO!

Saying “no” is an essential part of life. Sometimes we have to turn down opportunities that aren’t right for us. This is especially true when you’re trying to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Hold on to your boundaries. Don’t let others pressure you to say yes because they think you should.

Change your habits.

Maybe there’s something about your lifestyle that you need to confront. Are you often contrite after shopping binges or losing your temper?

Keep a journal.

Writing about your day can help you to notice your triggers and explore your emotions. Jot down what’s happening and how you feel when you apologize needlessly.

Lighten up.

Anxiety can make you prone to apologizing. Find relaxation practices that work for you, such as meditation or physical exercise. 

Reach out for help.

If you’re not sure if you’re going overboard, ask your friends and family for feedback. They can also support you while you’re trying to change.

If you find yourself constantly apologizing, ask yourself why.

  • Is it because you’re afraid of being rejected?
  • Or maybe you’re afraid that you won’t be able to handle what comes next?
  • Whatever the case, it’s time to stop apologizing so much.
  • It’s okay to admit that you need help sometimes.

If you think you need more assistance, you may want to join one of our support groups and talk with a professional narcissistic abuse recovery coach or counselor.

Do you feel sorry for the narcissist?

That’s the thing: narcissists will always find someone to feel sorry for and rationalize their bad behavior.

Stop feeling sorry for the narcissist and do something about yourself instead.

Watch this video if you find yourself feeling sorry for the narcissist.

What to Do Instead of Apologizing

Now that you’re ready to apologize for less, you can experiment with different approaches. You may even find yourself picking up new communication skills.

Try out some of these alternative strategies:

Express gratitude.

Saying thank you is often a more logical alternative to saying you’re sorry. Plus, it will probably make the other person feel better too. For example, thank a salesperson for suggesting an item that’s on sale instead of apologizing for not noticing it yourself.

Show compassion.

Saying you’re sorry about the misfortunes of others can just be a form of expression. However, if it makes you feel guilty for things that are beyond your control, you may want to phrase it differently.

Be direct.

Ask a question without apologizing first. It’s reasonable for you to clarify the details of an assignment at work or check the directions to a party. You’ll get the answers in less time and may be treated with more respect.

Try unconditionally accepting yourself!

This may seem like a no-brainer, but I want you to think about this – are you inadvertently “rejecting yourself” and your reality?

Maybe you don’t even think about the lies that the narcissist and other toxic people have been trying to tell you about yourself, but there’s something you can’t quite put your finger on that makes you just feel lonely and rejected if you spend too much time alone.

Or, maybe you hate your thighs, your ears, or even how tall you are (or aren’t). But whatever the case, learn to unconditionally accept yourself ASAP, and you’re one step closer to recovery. 

The good news is that if you can learn to laugh at your more unusual qualities or just feel comfortable with them, you’ll feel less need to make excuses for them.

And, as Henry Kissinger said, “Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you, and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.”

Assert your needs.

The biggest downside to excessive apologizing is that it may reinforce the idea that you’re unworthy of love and respect.

Do your affirmations.

Build up your confidence with positive affirmations and worthwhile achievements so you can be comfortable and competent at advocating for yourself.

Apologize if, and only if…

Save your apologies for the times when you’re sincerely remorseful and have done something that you need to make amends for. You’ll feel more confident about yourself, and your words will be more meaningful.

Takeaway

Whether apologizing for interrupting by saying “Sorry” or asking for something by saying “I’m sorry to ask, but…” we’ve all been there.

Our society encourages people to say sorry for practically anything. Apologizing is commonly accepted, but I think it can make us too sensitive. I always used to apologize, and you might be doing the same.

This can lead to the need to apologize again and again or even feel like you’re not allowed to ask for things because they’ll cause a negative impact. If that sounds like you, give the tips that I shared with you here another look, take the ones that resonate and incorporate them into your life. 

Use these powerful tips on how to stop apologizing so much to take back your power and start being the light-filled, amazing person you truly are – I promise you will never regret it!

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

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