Plus, i’ll tell you how to deal with a narcissistic addict and how to tell if someone is both a narcissist AND and addict, or just an addict. I’ll also discuss how to get a narcissist in rehab and what to say to a narcissist to get one to go to rehab.
Plus, I’ll tell you what to do if you can’t get the NPD addict to try rehab or recovery to start their own healing from their “drug of choice.”
Do you always seem to fall short of success? You might be unconsciously keeping yourself from reaching your goals, even when you think you really want to achieve them!
Learning about self-sabotage – and your reasons for it – can help you to stop this unconscious cycle so you can go on to create a life you desire.
Reflect on these reasons to determine if they might be keeping you from success:
1. Fear of failure. One of the reasons you may not reach for success is because you’re afraid to fail. Failure is hard to manage, ignore, or handle. It can eat away at your self-esteem and make you doubt your abilities, so it’s not surprising you’ll do anything to avoid it.
2. Low self-esteem. If you lack confidence and suffer from low self-esteem, self-sabotage may feel natural for you.You might think you don’t deserve success, so you unconsciously destroy any chance you have of getting it.
3. Fear of change. Success is often tied to change, such as a new job, better home, or other things. You may be sabotaging your efforts because you don’t want anything to change. You’re used to your current lifestyle and don’t want to modify it. For example, you may claim that you want a mansion or a private jet, but you don’t actually want to pay for these things or be responsible for them. So, you ensure you never have them in the first place.
4. Control issues. You might self-sabotage in order to remain in control. Are you allowing your control issues to prevent you from reaching success, Control and perfectionism are often tied together. If you want everything to be perfect all the time, then you may be losing out on big and important opportunities.
5. Habits. Sometimes your habits can sabotage you without you even realizing it. For example, if you have a habit of always being late to meetings, then you may miss your chance to impress a client and get a raise. You self-sabotage your own success because of an old habit. Habits such as drinking and doing drugs are also extremely sabotaging.
6. Negativity and criticism. The criticism may come from your own internal negative voice, or it may be coming from outside sources such as your family members or friends. Negativity and criticism can be internalized and cause you to sabotage success. If you constantly hear that you’re not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough, then you begin to believe this. You feel that you don’t deserve to be successful. You may not want to try things that could help you because you don’t think you’re worthy of them. Family, friends, coworkers, bosses, and others may have you believing that you’re useless, dumb, or worthless.
In addition, research shows that your parents can affect you as an adult. If your parents exhibited self-sabotaging behavior, then you may copy it throughout your life. You grew up seeing this pattern and have a hard time breaking out of it. Their insecurities can carry over to your life.
If you’re sabotaging your own life and future, you can change. It will require effort and time, but it’s possible to reshape your thoughts.
Whenever a thought appears that doesn’t support your efforts to achieve your goals, immediately replace it with a positive thought, instead. You’ll get better and better at both recognizing unsupportive thoughts and changing them the more you practice it.
If you’ve ever lived with, worked with, or loved a narcissist, you’ve probably experienced a form of manipulation that I like to call narcissistic distortion. As it turns out, my term isn’t so far off. In fact, recent research proves it.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Cognitive Distortions
You might already know that your average narcissist tends to have the utmost faith in their personal convictions, and they’re no less convinced of their own lies than “normal” people are of basic facts (the sky is blue, the grass is green). It might be called a sort of blind assumption of their own thoughts as truth. If you’ve dealt with a narcissist in a close personal relationship, chances are that you’ve experienced something like this. For example, the narcissist might decide that your friend is a bad person based on nothing other than their own assumptions, and they might either directly tell you to get rid of the friend, or they might manipulate and pressure you until you do.
For some especially charismatic narcissists, that blind self-faith becomes pretty contagious. That’s because we’re programmed to only detect lies that are blatant – and since most narcissists actually BELIEVE their own lies, they can be very convincing. To them, their twisted perceptions have become real – so real, that they seem to be the actual truth.
Very telling, no? It is the very reason that narcissists seem so convinced of things that you know for sure aren’t true. It is on so many levels the very reason that gaslighting can be so shockingly effective.
According to my research, there’s such a thing as “cognitive distortions” which are often associated with narcissists, people with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), psychopaths, sociopaths, and anyone else who finds themselves in psychopathological states.
What are cognitive distortions?
More specifically, cognitive distortions are defined as “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.” In other words, cognitive distortions are a person’s perspectives that are naturally biased toward their own beliefs and perceptions of the world around them. Psychologists say they are generally rather irrational thoughts and beliefs that we as humans tend to reinforce over time without realizing it.
The first person to study these kinds of distortions was psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. Along with his student David D. Burns, Beck built up significant research on the topic. Burns’ 1989 book, The Feeling Good Handbook presented an overview of these twisted thought patterns along with his suggestions on how to eliminate them.
In general, cognitive distortions cause people to perceive reality differently than literally everyone around them. He’s less likely to perceive events and situations the way that most people do.
These twisted kinds of thinking patterns then reinforce your narcissist’s negative thoughts or emotions.
Simply put, cognitive distortion leads to an especially twisted perception of any situation for a narcissist. And that, my friend, is bad news for you.
Since a narcissist can’t stand losing, he’s got to twist the facts in order to suit him during an argument. This way he can maintain his “always right” status – that is, to avoid taking responsibility for his behavior.
Simple Examples of Narcissistic Cognitive Distortion
Like I said, narcissistic distortion is just one more way you can be manipulated by a narcissist. So, here’s kind of a funny example of how this works. I saw a meme the other day that had me rolling. It featured a truck that had been smashed into the tree. The caption read something about a narcissist blaming the tree for the accident.
So, if you’re in need of a bit of a twisted laugh, imagine if you saw your narc run his car into a tree and imagine whether he might try to twist it and say it was the tree’s fault. Or, more literally, if he said something very hurtful during an argument, he might deny that it ever happened when you ask him about it. Sometimes even if you repeat it back to him immediately.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder exhibit distorted thinking when they go back and forth between over-idealizing themselves, and then completely devaluing themselves. In addition, they have a tendency to over-estimate the importance or significance of their abilities and talents. Persons with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder frequently have fantasies of having unlimited power, success, or special talents. These over-idealized beliefs about themselves can cause them to behave in ways that are arrogant, ruthless, and entitled. Such behavior frequently causes a lot of conflict with others. For example, a person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder may ignore the social custom of waiting in a queue to purchase a ticket. Instead, they will march to the front of the queue, believing they are more important than the other people in line and are therefore entitled to special treatment. Of course, the people waiting politely in the queue do not respond well and conflict erupts. Eventually, the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is likely to run into a situation in which they realize they have some normal, human limitations. When this occurs, they are likely to find it extraordinarily difficult to cope with this realization. Any inkling of failure is hard for them to tolerate. The sudden realization of ordinary human limitations typically leads them to completely debase themselves, shifting from the over-idealized fantasy of unlimited success and special powers, to a devastating and paralyzing sense of complete worthlessness, shame, and defeat.
Narcissistic Distortion: Another Way to Manipulate Their Victims
Clearly, this is just one more way that a narc will manipulate their victims to get what they want. It is often used as part of the whole gaslighting process.
“How often the angry man rages denial of what his inner self is telling him,” according to Frank Hubert, author of Dune. “The defenses of denial and getting angry when challenged about harmful behavior function to maintain a self-image of feeling good about themselves even though others can see through the facade.”
When challenged about harmful behavior, a narcissist struggles to maintain a very inflated self-image. Even though you can see right through them, they need to appear to feel good about themselves. It’s part of their game.
Most narcs aren’t even aware of their textbook behavior and if you have the nerve to point it out to them, they will launch into their next narcissistic rage (which inevitably leads to narcissistic injury, another lovely manipulation tactic).
Gaslighting, Distortion and Other Ugly Ways Narcissists Take Control
All of these tactics are generally used together in order to further assert the narcissist’s control over you and your life. As you grow further isolated from the people in your life outside of the narcissist, his spider web of control gets stickier and you become increasingly less functional.
And then there is the whole boundaries issue – most narcissists have none when it comes to other people. And if you have the nerve to set any, they’ll relish the opportunity to stop all over you.
“Most narcissists fail to understand their boundaries and recognize that other people are individuals rather than extensions of themselves,” says News Medical’s Dr. Ananya Mandal, MD. “Those who support the self-esteem of the narcissist are expected to always do so, with the narcissist failing to recognize the independence of the other person.”
Being in a relationship with a narcissist puts you on a sort of scary rollercoaster ride of emotions. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows might alternate so quickly that you start losing your grip on what you used to call reality. Your ability to reason is called into question so often that instinct kicks in and you go into survival mode.
You stop being able to do the things you used to do and you don’t care. Nothing feels important except how you’re going to deal with the next incident.
It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting and it causes you to develop symptoms like those of PTSD. Many health professionals say that long-term relationships with narcissists can actually cause a form of PTSD called C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).
Eggshells, Numbness, and Narcissistic Supply
If you’re in an active relationship with a narcissist, chances are you’re at least part of his “narcissistic supply,” which means he almost literally requires your energy, attention, and subservience.
You spend your life walking on eggshells in order to avoid the wrath of your narcissist. It becomes your primary function. And that’s exactly their plan – because now, your life is all about them.
You become unable to deal with anyone’s emotions or issues because you grow so numb when you deal with a narcissist. Their harshness becomes commonplace and often, their victims teach themselves to sort of “numb out” in order to protect themselves from further psychological damage.
As you probably already know, if you dare to stand up to the narcissist on any subject, you might as well prepare for war. The narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury will rain down on you like a proverbial shower of fire and pain.
Make any valid point about the narcissist that’s anything less than “OMG, you are amazing,” and understand that they absolutely will find a reason to not only to negate it but also to twist it around and make it all about you and how you’re wrong somehow. (We call that the narcissistic flip around here.)
This, in many cases, leads to the discard phase. The discardis the part of the narcissistic abuse cycle during which, either literally or figuratively, the narcissist “throws you away,” or pushes you out of their life. This can happen as part of a rotating cycle of abuse, or it can be a final “break-up” or the end of a toxic relationship. In other words, whether the narcissist physically leaves you or just gives you the horribly uncomfortable silent treatment, they are, at least in the moment, beginning to mentally discard you and potentially already looking for your replacement.
And to you, it might just feel a little bit like the world is ending. But of course, that’s exactly what the narcissist is going for here. They are playing on your biggest human fear: the fear of abandonment. This causes you to do nearly anything they ask (even if they don’t actually ask) to keep them in your life – even when some part of you KNOWS you’d be better of without them. This is also exactly where trauma bonding begins to rear its ugly head.
The Predator Becomes the Victim: The Smear Campaign Begins
Here’s where you can expect the smear campaigns to launch. Smear campaigning is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist spreads rumors and lies about you in order to socially or otherwise isolate you, as well as to get additional narcissistic supply in the form of support or pity from those who are hearing their latest “sob story.”
So, once the narcissist has discarded you, whether actually or just mentally, chances are they are doing exactly that: spreading lies and their twisted perception around to the people you have in common.
This can lead to you appearing to be the problem (the predatory one who they just wish would love them the way they deserve to be loved, according to them). For you, it’s just another tiny betrayal in a long line of them.
And the “poor little narcissist,” well, they’ll play the poor unwitting victim. It’s exhaustive and stressful for you, but the narcissist will thrive through it and may even use their sob story to snare their next victim in their little narcissistic web. This is more common than you might expect.
“The type and amount of defenses that a person develops can add up, creating more problems for themselves and those around them,” says psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Lynne Namka. “Denial is avoiding responsibility for one’s harmful actions to others and saying ‘Nuh-uh. Not me! I didn’t do it.'”
Namka continues: “The person learns to lie even to one’s self. They need to keep up the pretense of being a good guy and across time they come to believe their own lie. Denial is being irresponsible at an unconscious level because the person is embarrassed to know the truth about his misbehavior.”
Put it all together: Getting out of the F.O.G.
This pattern of constant narcissist mind games and manipulation leaves you feeling used up, empty, and lost. And often, you fall into the narcissistic FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) pattern that many of us have been guilty of – and this leads to you eventually retreating and apologizing and begging for forgiveness yet again.
You’ve got to love emotional blackmail.
According to Susan Forward, Ph.D. in a Psychology Today article, this kind of emotional blackmail is a “powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want.” The main tool of the trade, Forward says, is FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt.
Maidana agrees, noting that everyone feels “fearful when we are pursuing something big in our lives.”
“It’s scary to drop what you’ve been doing for years and take a different path,” she adds. “It is scary to invest money in a project that we don’t know is going to be profitable. Nothing in this life is certain (well, they say that only taxes and death are).”
“This is not about making others wrong so you can be right. This is about you living your best life. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to those around you (yes, even the non-believers). The best service that you can do for yourself, and everyone around you, is to live your dreams, so you can shine from within and touch others with your light.” Read the full story at The Huffington Post