Why Narcissists Love to Rage – The Psychology of Narcissistic Rage

Why Narcissists Love to Rage – The Psychology of Narcissistic Rage

“No one can tell you all that love is, but I can tell you what it isn’t. One thing that I’ve found to be true is that REAL LOVE doesn’t hurt – at all.  And when you are hurting, it’s not from a place of love! Don’t confuse the two.” ~Tony Gaskins, Jr. on Toxic Love, The Daily LoveHow to Understand Narcissistic Rage

Understanding Narcissistic Rage

If you’ve ever lived with, known, or loved a narcissist, you have likely been the victim of narcissistic rage, a term first introduced in a 1972 book entitled The Analysis of the Self.

This kind of rage manifests when a narcissist vents his frustration when their ego takes a hit. Since narcissists have an inflated level of self-importance, they often find it hard to deal with criticism, real or perceived. So, if you or someone else happens to insult the narcissist’s fragile ego, you can expect a serious backlash – and it’s not going to be pretty.

If you’re currently in a toxic relationship involving a narcissist, it’s important that you understand these narcissistic rages and why they happen – and even if you’ve already left your narcissist, it might help you to understand WHY you were treated the way you were – because truly, it wasn’t (and ISN’T) your fault.

What is narcissistic rage?

Often coupled with narcissistic injury, narcissistic rage is used by a narcissist when they know they’re wrong but won’t admit it, or when they don’t get what they want, or when people don’t treat them different or more special than others, or when their sense of entitlement is threatened – anytime things don’t go their way. This is when narcissists get inconsolably angry in an attempt to bully or coerce you into giving them what they want.

Why causes a narcissist to rage?

Psychologists have identified several typical causes for narcissistic behavior and personalities, including a general obsession with self, often gained through certain experiences during childhood. They often have an addiction to anger, and as they rage, it’s often because of a blow to their inflated sense of self-esteem.

They may often make self-deprecating statements, no doubt silently begging you to disagree with them and tell them how amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and perfect they REALLY are…and when you don’t, the rage could begin.

As I said, a narcissistic rage often launches when narcs become defensive because they think you’re insulting them (or if you attempted to communicate a problem or concern about your relationship with one). They may also be caused when a narcissist finds himself feeling unfulfilled and blames the victim/target for that feeling. The narcissist feels powerful when they rage at you, and they’re not likely to stop until their requirements are met – or until they get bored or tired of it.

What if the narcissist doesn’t get what they want when they rage?

As we’ve previously discussed, narcissists believe that by appearing perfect, they can get the love, admiration, attention, and/or respect they feel they deserve. But when they think that someone feels they’re “not perfect” or “not good enough,” they often find themselves feeling shameful or anxious. Sometimes this can manifest as guilt or anger.

In any case, when a narcissist’s self-esteem takes a hit, they might react in a number of ways on a broad spectrum—anywhere from just being mildly irritated all the way to having seriously explosive tantrums that can even become violent in some cases.

This kind of “narcissistic injury” causes the narcissist to need to destroy the perceived threat to his self-esteem, and by raging against the offender/victim, the narcissist is able to feel safe and powerful again—and like he or she has total control over the environment.

What is narcissistic injury?

Narcissistic injury is displayed when a narcissist gets upset, hurt, or offended about being treated like a normal person, or when they don’t get special treatment or favors, or literally anytime they don’t get what they want. In most cases, this is a manipulation tactic often used in combination with narcissistic rage to get what they want from a target. It can also be a clear indication of the narcissist’s struggling self-esteem, but most often, it’s simply a type of “victim act” used to get what they want.

Are there different types of narcissistic rage?

There are three primary types of narcissistic rage, including explosive rage, passive-aggressive rage, and rage that causes self-harm.

Explosive Narcissistic Rage

An explosive rage happens when a narcissist has a violent outburst, whether it’s physical or verbal. This is the most obvious kind of narcissistic rage, but since the narcissist usually uses this type of rage behind closed doors, only those closest to the narcissist actually see it. However, in rare cases, the narcissist may explode in public (think: your average “Karen,” for example).

Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists express passive-aggressive rage as a way to passively punish you. They might do this by ignoring you, by being blatantly rude, or even by doing nice things for another person and flaunting them in your face. In any case, you’ll know it’s happening, and the narcissist will feel perfectly fine with telling you you’re crazy and pretending they’re not doing anything at all. In some cases, they might even be so bold as to inform you of your infraction and require you to submit to the punishment willingly in order to make your way back into their good graces.

Self-Harm and Narcissistic Rage

When a narcissist manifests his rage through self-harm, you might not understand what’s happening. It doesn’t seem consistent with the narcissist’s personality– but it DOES get them plenty of attention. Some narcissists have been known to cut, burn or even stab themselves, among other extreme self-injuries, during a narcissistic rage.

Have you been the victim of a narcissistic rage? How did you handle it? What would you tell a friend or loved one who was dealing with a narcissist on a regular basis? 

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

The good news is that you’re not alone here. Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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Understanding An Introvert: 5 Things we wish you knew

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“I’m an introvert… I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.” ~Audrey Hepburn

Understanding An Introvert: 5b Things we wish you knew

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Being an introvert is not an easy task. Sometimes the people around us suffer because they don’t know how to deal with introverts.

Here are some tips and tricks to being a great friend or family member to an introvert.

1. Acceptance – I’m not going to leave my house if I don’t want to. When you call me up and ask me to go and I say “no” then you won’t get me to leave. Don’t beg and plead and argue with me. I don’t want to go so I’m not going to. Please understand this instead of going out of your way to belittle me since I don’t want to leave the house yet again. I need you to accept this is who I am.

2. Don’t forget me – Just because I say “no” I’m not going doesn’t mean I want you to forget about me the next time you plan an outing or event. I know I missed a lot of stuff but I don’t want to be excluded completely.

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3. My house is best – Want to hang out? Come on over. Make sure to call me first though. More than likely I am not going to meet you at a bar but I am almost always willing to have you over for a few drinks and a bon fire in the back yard. Just don’t bring anyone else without me knowing.

4. Silence is okay – Know that my silence is not a bad thing. I am not insulting you. I like you. I am just used to being quiet. I like quiet. It’s part of being an introvert.

5. Outings are hard – I am tired every time after I go to a public function. When I pick my kids up from school and have to talk to more than one person I am tired. It takes a great deal of energy to make myself do certain things, and being in public is one of them.

Blend

STOP Stress Now: 6 Steps to Overcoming Overwhelm

STOP Stress Now: 6 Steps to Overcoming Overwhelm

Feeling Overwhelmed? Take Back Control with this 6-Step Process.

 Oh, how trying the stresses of life can be! Having situations that affect your peace of mind can be challenging. And sometimes you feel like you’ve gotten way more than you can handle. Yet still, you find a way to keep going. 

It’s great when you can find the determination to keep going. But are you doing so to your own detriment? Perhaps the way you’re responding isn’t always the best.

Coping mechanisms help to keep you in the game. But after a while, you may end up crashing.

The most beneficial approach involves using well thought-out strategies to keep you in control.

Try this process to respond to an especially challenging situation:

Step One: Stop in your tracks.

If you feel overwhelmed now, it’s likely to get even worse if you keep going the way you are now! Stop right where you are and accept the situation for what it is.

Look back at what has happened up until this point in time. Can you identify the reasons behind your downfall? Make a note of them.

Step Two: Embrace your shortcomings.

Do you have shortcomings that prevented you from staying on top of things? Be honest with yourself when trying to identify them. It’s the only way you’ll be able to move on to resolving the situation.

Whatever you’ve identified as your shortcomings, accept and embrace them. It’s pointless allowing them to bring your mood down. You’re already overwhelmed. The last thing you need to do is put yourself down.

Step Three: Avoid excuses.

Even though you feel overwhelmed, the last thing you want to do is blame it on something or somebody else. Avoid overlooking yourself as the main factor behind your current situation.

It’s easy in stressful situations to refuse accountability. Just the tension alone is enough to drive your mind in crazy directions. Just accept it for what it is, even if it means coming face to face with your shortcomings.

Step Four: Open up to others.

Share your feelings with someone you can confide in. Simply sharing can often help to ease some of the stress off your shoulders.

Tell the whole story. Allow the person to understand your highs and lows. Let them see how your strengths got you this far. But also share what you think you could have done differently.

Step Five: Organize an approach.

Now that you’ve offloaded, you’ll have a clearer mind to organize an approach. You’ve stopped at this point for a reason. 

Now’s your chance to change direction and pull yourself out of this rut.

Now that you’ve figured out what went wrong, try to tackle those things first. You’ll want to prevent those things from happening again.

Step Six: Surround yourself with positive people.

It’s sometimes difficult to take on challenges on your own. As much as you hate to admit it, there are others better at some things than you are!

Embrace them and get the support you need to manage stressful situations. Use the strengths of trustworthy people to get you over the hump.

Be clear about the role you want them to play. Handing over responsibility can be tough. But be mature enough to understand that it doesn’t take away from your own abilities.

Being in over your head isn’t a death sentence. In fact, it’s a perfect opportunity to be creative in your approach. Once you identify an effective approach, you can expect to handle situations more confidently.

Give yourself the chance to be in control. With positive strategies, you’ll be able to take matters into your own hands and turn them around in no time!

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Effective Couples Therapy And How It Works

Effective Couples Therapy And How It Works

By Aaron Hernandez
marriage-counseling-services-250x250Some couples hit a stage in their relationship where they know that something isn’t right but lack the skills to understand how to get their relationship back on track. When this happens  some seek the advice and guidance of marriage counselors and therapists. The good thing is that there are some of the most experienced in every state but many people are still a little unsure of the success rates of couples therapy.
With this in mind, let’s delve a little into what principles are thought in couples therapy how they works.
Changes the perspective of the relationship
Throughout the process the therapist will a work with both parties to help them look at their relationship in a different perspective, in essence, a more objective manner. couples learn to cease the ‘blame game’ and start looking objectively at their actions and the affects they have on the other party and their relationship as a whole. When it comes to marriage counseling, couples who have experienced couples therapy suggest that this is one of the most valuable aspects of the process.
Halts dysfunctional behavior
For any therapist, dysfunctional behavior is one of the most relationship damaging and common aspects of any sparring couple. Verbal, mental and even physical abuse can all manifest themselves as dysfunctional behavior. The counselor will assess the risk imposed to one or both parties and on many occasions will utilise ‘time out’ procedures in order to stop damaging dysfunctional behavior from occurring.
Expressing emotion
Whether you attend marriage counseling or visit a therapist, one of the biggest benefits couples can get from therapy is that they will learn to express how they feel and not become emotionally distant. Couples who tend to shy away and avoid expressing emotion are at far greater risk of drifting apart. Skilled therapists can help couples to bring their emotions out into the open and to talk about them in front of their partner.
Improvement in levels of communication
Along with closeness and commitment, communication is classed as one of the three C’s that make up a strong relationship. Invariably when relationships break down, so does communication. With this in mind, therapists use a variety of techniques to help the couple improve their levels of communication. Any skilled counselors will be able to give the couple pointers on which types of communication are effective, and which are destructive, and also how effective listening aids communication.
Working towards a stronger bond
Because much of the therapy involves focusing on problem areas, the therapist may also look at honing in on what the couple perceive as relationship strengths and also work on these areas to cement a far stronger and altogether more powerful relationship bond.
When it comes to relationship counselors, some may argue that seeking help  won’t be for everyone and in some cases individuals who are tied into damaging relationships may well be better off  apart. Whilst this may be true, for those that do go through the process and are willing to undertake whatever is needed to make the necessary changes, then couples therapy can be extremely effective and rewarding.
About the Author
I am a psychologist and a freelance writer on articles specifically related to psychology. Presently I am writing for Counselors, Culpeper VA. They provide services like Family counseling, marriage counseling and individual counseling for any sort of emotional or mental health issues.

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