How to Expose a Narcissist: 3 Easy Steps to Bring Out a Narcissist’s True Colors

How to Expose a Narcissist: 3 Easy Steps to Bring Out a Narcissist’s True Colors

3 steps to expose a narcissistSo, you want to know how to expose a narcissist in your life? And my guess is that you feel this way because you want to show everyone around you that it’s really NOT you – that you’re not the crazy one.

Why would you want to expose the narcissist? 

You might have a few different reasons to expose the narcissist. Maybe you are tired of being the one who everyone “worries about” or “feels sorry for,” or worse – the one everyone thinks is pure evil, thanks to the lies and half-truths the narcissist spreads about you.

You’re tired of “taking the blame” from the narcissist for everything that goes wrong, real or imagined, and you’re tired of covering up for his lies, indiscretions, and general manipulative behaviors.

If you suspect someone has narcissistic personality disorder, you may want to warn close friends and relatives. You may want to have evidence of the narcissist’s behavior in case you need it.

Maybe the narcissist in your life has been on a smear campaign and you’ve just had enough.

Smear Campaigns: Why does the narcissist lie about you to everyone?

He does this, of course, because it helps him to isolate you and gives him more control. He constantly puts your credibility into question with his gaslighting, manipulation tactics, smear campaigns and even with the use of his various flying monkeys.

So listen – I feel you. I have been right where you are – heck, I have even felt the need to give a narcissist a taste of his own medicine now and again. Who hasn’t, right? We’re all human, after all.

But, before we get into the thick of it, let me just put this out there: sometimes, the best solution is to just walk away – the narcissist will eventually expose himself to anyone he allows to be close to him. You’ll see the tell-tale eye rolls, feel the tension and hear the strained tones and fake cheer in the voices of anyone who has been exposed to his true self.

Even his flying monkeys might have their moments of weakness in which they reveal the level of manipulation to which he has subjected them.

Still, if you’re looking for the most effective ways to expose a narcissist and force him to show his true colors to those around him, look no further. These are exactly the steps you need to take to help others see the true face of the narcissist.

How to Expose a Narcissist in 3 Steps

Here are the three fail-proof steps to expose a narcissist.

1. Expose a Narcissist By Understanding What You’re Dealing With: Educate Yourself on Narcissism.

I always say that knowledge is power – and in this case, that couldn’t be truer. You need to understand the concept of toxic narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder before you can expect to help anyone else understand who and what you’re dealing with. So, educate yourself on the symptoms of NPD, the causes, the effects of narcissistic abuse on its victims, the longer-term and more serious ones included.  Find out how doctors diagnose NPD. Learn what manipulation tactics are common to most narcissists, and take some time to understand how to manage and cope with those behaviors.

While you’re at it, make sure your self-esteem is unbreakable, because if you know anything about a narcissist, you know that they fight dirty, and they don’t concern themselves with the emotions or well-being of others, especially when it doesn’t serve them to do so. And if anyone threatens their illusion and inflated sense of self, as you’re about to do when you expose them for who they are, they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want.

So be prepared.

2. Expose a Narcissist by Stopping Helping the Narcissist Hide: No More Excuses.

You probably don’t even realize that you’re doing it, but after you’ve been involved with a narcissist for a while, you fall into certain co-dependent habits. You find yourself coddling him, accepting certain conditions and behaviors out of habit. So one simple way to make a narcissist show his true colors is to literally just stop helping him hide them.

Don’t make excuses when he flakes out on your plans with others, and don’t cover for him in any way when the mask begins to break away. You may find this incredibly uncomfortable at first, but it’s a very effective way to open the eyes of the people around the narcissist.

3. Pull the Trigger on Exposing a Narcissist By Being Honest: Telling It Like It Is.

This one’s really pretty simple. In order to expose a narcissist, you simply tell it like it is. Just say something that triggers narcissistic behavior and don’t take it back. That’ll cause him to expose himself because he won’t be able to hold back if you don’t do your customary two-step around the issue to help him save face.

Tip: Be strong – you’ll need a will of steel to be able to stick it out here – especially if you’re in a toxic codependent relationship.

But if you’re going to do it, do it right. Think about what kinds of things typically trigger the narcissist’s rages and boldly use those to your advantage – but be fearless or it won’t work. Don’t feel bad about it – this is literally you turning his own behaviors back on him. How often has he said and done these kinds of manipulative statements to you?

For example:

  • A statement of fact that contradicts the narcissist’s inflated perception of his/her grandiose self. (i.e. “I thought you said you got a promotion – I’m shocked you’re still driving that old beater! You must really have a lot of expenses.”
  • Any open criticism, disagreement, or blatant exposure of fake achievements, made-up stories, or other lies and deceptions.
  • Belittling the “talents and skills” the narc believes or pretends that he has (i.e. “your rap skills need to go back to the 80s!”).
  • A statement that would indicate that he’s “less than,” somehow “not good enough,” in any way controlled, owned, or dependent upon someone else – even you (i.e. “I don’t know what you’d do without me!”).
  • Describe the narcissist as average and common, “just like all the others “(i.e. “You’re a typical woman. All women are crazy” or “Men are pigs – you’re just another oinker in the pigpen of life.”)
  • Any indication that the narcissist is weak. (i.e. “Oh, let me help you! You’re clearly in need. You’re (insert adjective here – weak, slow, lazy, in any way not perfect)! Poor thing!”)

Why This Works to Expose a Narcissist

See, the narcissist literally believes he is different and better than everyone else – that he is so special, in fact, that other people should recognize this and treat him accordingly. So, while he’s really good at making people believe he’s cool, fun, laid back, or whatever he’s trying to make them think, the truth is that the best possible way to expose him is to simply make him do it himself.

When you use the three steps I outlined above, you will almost definitely expose the narcissist and make everyone see who he really is – and fast. But be prepared for the very strong reaction that is sure to come from the narcissist – it will come and it will be unpleasant. But if you’re prepared, you’ll be able to handle it.

Related: This free toolkit might help – it’s called PERK: Post-Emergency Gaslighting Kit.

One Last Thing: Before You Try This At Home

Honestly, while exposing the narcissist to the people in his life may help some of them to get a clue and stop allowing themselves to be his narcissistic supply, it’ll only temporarily slow the narcissist down.

In fact, it’ll give him the proper fuel he needs to get his next supply on the line – his very own savior. Because, of course, in his version of the story, you’ll be just the crazy bitch who was so mean and hateful to him and who tried to make his family and friends hate him.

You feel me? It’s a cycle.

Exposing the narcissist is not worth it – it will only further serve to make you miserable.

The best and only solution to dealing with this kind of person and remaining or becoming happy in your life is to take back your power and choose to create the life you really want, with or without the narcissist – most likely, without. Going no contact or low contact is statistically the most successful way to do it and the only “sure-thing” kind of answer you can find.

Here are some helpful videos on exposing a narcissist to their family and friends.


What do you think? Have you ever made a narcissist expose themselves? What were the results? 

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Did you know? Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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Top 12 Most-Asked Questions About Narcissism in Relationships: Answered

Top 12 Most-Asked Questions About Narcissism in Relationships: Answered

Thanks to my background and my work in the field of helping people recover from narcissistic abuse in relationships, I get plenty of questions every day from readers and clients alike. Dirty Dozen Most asked Narcissism Questions

Today, I thought it would be helpful to share the top 12 most-often asked questions in regard to narcissism in relationships and narcissistic abuse recovery. Each question below is answered in detail – you’ll see the full answers when you click through.

  1. What are the top 10 warning signs of being gaslighted by a narcissist?
  2. How far will a narcissist go to get what he/she wants?
  3. How do you control a narcissist?
  4. How do you know if you’re married to a narcissist?
  5. How is toxic narcissism different than healthy narcissism?
  6. How do you begin to heal from dissociation after narcissistic abuse?
  7. What is narcissistic rage? What about narcissistic injury? What else do I need to know?
  8. Why can’t I just leave my narcissist already?
  9. How Did Self-Proclaimed Narcissist Sam Vaknin Gaslight You on Facebook?
  10. Why does the narcissist blame me for everything?
  11. How does a narcissist think? What goes on inside his head?
  12. What are some of the stages of gaslighting?

You might also like to check out my Post-Gaslighting Emergency Recovery Kit (PERK), which is free, or one of the many resources at the Narcissism Abuse Recovery Support Coaching Center.

Your Turn: Ask me anything! What are the biggest questions on your mind in regard to narcissism in relationships or narcissistic abuse recovery? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, below.

This is the Big Secret About Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

This is the Big Secret About Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Your version of yourself or a narcissistsSo you’ve made the choice to end your relationship with a narcissist. Or maybe the choice was made for you. I want to tell you to feel amazing about that right now. But first, let me tell you this – I know it hurts. And that’s okay; it’s going to get better. I promise you.

However the relationship ended, you’re working on recovery from the narcissistic abuse you’ve been suffering.

From gaslighting to playing the victim to flying monkeys and beyond, narcissists know only one thing: they want what they want when they want it, and nothing else will do.

Related Reading: Gaslighting, Love Bombing and Flying Monkeys: The Ultimate Toxic Relationship Survival Guide for Victims and Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

Research proves that narcissists, regardless of their classification and level of extremity, all share four basic traits – they lack empathy, they are self-centered, have a serious disregard for other people and they are selfish.

I polled several of my narcissism support groups and they agree that this seems consistent with their experiences. How about you?

Back to you: Starting the Healing Process

How to Identify Narcissistic Personality DIsorderThe first thing I want to tell you, whether you’re already gone or you’re planning your escape, is congratulations.

I know that might seem inappropriate at this moment, but try looking at it a new way.

Imagine the level of freedom you can now enjoy. Imagine how you’ll be allowed to make your own decisions, to be the person that you truly want to be.

The Big Secret: Deep Down, You Really Are Who You Want to Be

See, the truth is that the person you want to be is secretly who you really are – so the best way to begin to find yourself and figure out your life after narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship is to indulge in the things you love, the things that make your soul feel alive.

That’s going to help to discover yourself and bring that “true you” up to the surface.

But what if I love to do something I’m no good at? What will that serve?

First of all, you’ll never know until you try.

Plus, you don’t have to be “good at it” to enjoy it; but about now, I’d love it if you could stop feeling like you’re not good enough.

You being “not good enough” is simply a lie you’ve come to believe thanks to the mind-numbing experience of being involved with a narcissist.

A toxic relationship with a narcissist can literally kill youIt’s a narcissist’s nature to tear down the people who are closest to him or her. The narcissist must feel in control, and they must obtain what he considers the appropriate amount of admiration and attention from their various sources of narcissistic supply.

When they get it, he feels validated and he might be the best guy you’ve ever met – or she might be the coolest girl.

Note: Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, colors and sexes. I’m going to use the “he” pronouns from here on out simply because statistically, narcissists are slightly more likely to be male  (and for ease of reading).

But when the narcissist finds himself spending too much time alone or with a lack of attention and admiration, or he’s directly defied, he becomes a whole other person.

When Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury Set In

Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury will set in and the person in the line of fire is most likely to get the brunt of the narcissist’s rage.

In fact, narcissists know very well how to manipulate you; often they’ll play the victim in order to get you on their side (narcissistic injury).

When you fall for it, they might just inadvertently recruit you to become one of their toxic flying monkeys.

Or, if you don’t, you can probably expect the injury to become rage.  And then if you don’t finally comply with serving his needs, the narcissist will likely send a flying monkey your way to do his manipulative bidding.

When you feel weak: How to stay strong in the face of a love bomber

We all know that when a narcissist feels like he’s lost (or might lose) something he wants (yes, I said something, because to a narcissist, people are things), he goes into love bombing mode.

You know, that’s when he places you on a pedestal and makes you feel like you’re perfect and amazing and like no one can compare? And where he suddenly seems humble and sweet and you start thinking maybe he really can change, after all? And then before you know it, he’s back in and you’re back to trying to figure out how to deal with his gaslighting?

Yep. And remember how crazy-making it can all be? Remember that life?

Good. Now You Remember Why You Left.

When you feel weak, you have to remember why you left. Or why you’re planning to leave.

Related: This is why you haven’t already left your narcissist

The gnawing feeling in your stomach when you hear the names you’re called or the horrible way he seems to see you as a person, maybe.

How your entire being, your character and your integrity were called into question for every little “infraction” of the ridiculous  (and often unspoken) rules and double-standards he required of you?

That’s why you left. Or maybe its why you’re leaving – or maybe, it’s just one reason you can stop crying about the narcissist who left you. 

Because now, you are the one who decides what happens. Now it’s all about what you want, what you choose, what you say is best.

ABOVE ALL: Don’t scare yourself into staying

The narcissist is going to try to make you afraid and insecure. They want you to think you can’t live without them and that you can’t do better.

Don’t let that scare you – I know that being in full control of your life might be a little freaky after having been under someone else’s thumb for awhile, but you will very quickly find yourself feeling light and happy in a way that you can’t remember feeling before.

You can do better. I don’t care if your overweight or you’re frumpy or you’re very, very shy – no one deserves the mental and emotional abuse of a narcissist. It’s pure torture and you can do better.

Know that. And remind yourself when you feel weak. You can do this. You can be who you want, and you can take care of yourself. KNOW IT!

Change is hard but you will come out so much happier and more fulfilled.

While your initial reaction to any sort of change is going to be difficult sometimes, this is especially true when it involves separation from someone you’ve spent many years or even months with.

That’s because a lot of times, you literally sort of forget who you are – you’ve become so enmeshed and codependent with your narcissist that you literally don’t know who you’d be without him.

REMEMBER: Your situation and what you’re dealing with now doesn’t make you wrong, less than anyone else or stupid; it makes you human.

People who have not experienced the hell of narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship have absolutely no idea how incredibly it takes over everything in your life.

Before you know it, you are literally putting every single word you say and choice you make through the “narc filter,” which is your understanding of what will and will not upset the narcissist.

Removing the “Narc Filter” From Your Self-Identity

So now that you’ve made the choice to leave, it’s time to begin to shed the narcissist’s version of you and start to create your own perfect version – what you consider the be the best possible version of yourself.

If that means you need to spend a bit of time getting over your relationship first, fine – but set a time limit and stick to it.

And then, you can get on about the business of deciding who you are after you end a relationship with a narcissist.

Ready? Let’s get started together. Here are some resources we can dig into.

Articles & Info on This Site

Books

 

Are you ready to get started on your narcissistic abuse recovery? Let’s Discuss It. I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and questions on this stuff.

  1. Have you been in and escaped from a narcissistic relationship?
  2. Are you still in one?
  3. What advice would you give someone who is doing what you did (or plan to do)?

Share your thoughts and experiences in one of our narcissistic abuse recovery support groups.

Is your new guy a narcissist? Find out now.

Is your new guy a narcissist? Find out now.

Whether you’re just beginning a relationship with a new guy or it’s just now getting serious, if you’re here reading this article, there’s a chance that things aren’t perfect just yet.  (more…)

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