Your Ex Narcissist’s New Supply: Is there an ethical obligation to warn new supply of toxic abuse?
Today, I’m answering a question from a viewer who believes that we have an ethical obligation to warn the narcissist’s new source of narcissistic supply that he or she may be abused. Here’s the comment:
jeffry michineau commented:
“I think the view that we should just sit by and watch the new victim be torn to shreds is like supplying the narc. we only say this from the point of view of being former victims… you see it was we who allowed and fueled these creatures.. then sheepishly cow under all of their next bombing campaigns.. psychological bloodshed and the havoc they are creating in our social family circles,, why because of the after effects of our own victimhood.. we forget about our humanitarian… technical or even our highly acclaimed communication skills… and just give in to these midget brained quasi emotional rapist and toxin squirting manipulators.. that are on the hollywood elite actors list of most evil creatures… I think we could with our own artfulness say or do something just respond to them with well thought out defenses otherwise we would be just a bunch of losers licking our wounds and succumbing to the machinations of the Devil’s children…otherwise called Narcissists”
That one is followed by a close second from those who are still stuck in the relationships – they want to now how to get “unstuck” from the dissociation, lethargy and general overwhelm that goes along with dealing with a narcissist on the regular.
“What fascinates me about addiction and obsessive behavior is that people would choose an altered state of consciousness that’s toxic and ostensibly destroys most aspects of your normal life, because for a brief moment you feel okay.” ~Moby
So, you have ended a relationship with someone you believe is a narcissist. Whether you ended the relationship or they did, you’re probably feeling pretty confused right now – especially, if like many people who have been abused in toxic relationships, you are finding that you’re missing the person who abused you. Logically, you know you shouldn’t do things that are bad for you – like drugs. And toxic people who are bad for our lives, whether or not they’re actually diagnosed narcissists, are more dangerous at times than you’d expect. While we all know we need to get and stay away from these people by going no contact, everyone has different life circumstances, and it’s just not always so easy.
See, what people don’t always realize is that we are sort of addicted to the abuse we’ve suffered abuse from the narcissists in our lives – and when we don’t do anything to manage our addictions, we might find ourselves falling back into our old habits, right?
How do you become addicted to an abuser?
Depending on who you ask, there are a couple of different theories here. One is that you’re dealing with something we call “love addiction.” The other is that you’re dealing with trauma bonding. Let me explain.
What is Love Addiction?
Love addiction, simply defined, is the feeling of not being able to live without the idea of love. Someone who might be considered a love addict is someone who carries on with a pathological behavior involving the feeling of being in love. Unfortunately, someone who is a love addict will often tolerate unacceptable behavior from unacceptable people due to their own apparent codependency. Being a love addict can be incredibly dangerous for a victim of narcissistic abuse as it makes it even more impossible to leave when trauma bonding is a factor.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Narcissistic abuse victims in toxic relationships often experience trauma bonding during and after the relationship. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. It is often referred to as “narcissistic abuse syndrome,” but that isn’t considered an actual diagnosis by psychologists and isn’t listed in the DSM-V. Trauma bonding is also known to make recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult than recovering from a “non-toxic” relationship.
The Narcissist Becomes Your Drug of Choice
As you can see, whether it’s due to the trauma bonding or the love addiction, the narcissist almost literally becomes your “drug of choice.” It’s just like when you’ve been a lifelong smoker and one day you quit cold turkey. You KNOW the cigarettes were killing you, but they tasted SO good and made you feel so relaxed…and because you’re currently trying to quit, you feel like just one could relax you and take the edge off – and maybe you think you can handle it.
But before you know it, you’re back to your 3-pack-a-week habit and your brief freedom from them is but a memory.
Same deal with the narcissist. This is why I entitled one of my books Your Love is My Drug – because the narcissist’s so-called “love” is like an actual drug for you. Speaking of which, there’s something else you should know.
Romantic love actually stimulates the same area of the brain as addiction.
Yes, you read that right: any sort of romantic love is known to affect the same part of your brain as addiction to a drug would. In other words, your addiction to your narcissist is not really your fault – your body sort of goes into survival mode. Your primitive mind tells you that you NEED the narcissist.
Why? According to scientists, we’re biologically programmed to behave that way. There’s an evolutionary spin here – the loss of a potential baby-making mate would be bad for us as a species. On top of that, humans are hard-wired to develop bonds with other humans – another survival urge.
Add together your biological need to bond and the need to keep your mate (or to feel great distress in the loss of him/her), and what do you have?
It affects you like a drug, your relationship with this toxic person. And when you’re not getting the sweet poison, you might just miss it. A lot like a crack addict might miss his fix.
And, just as much as your body wants to protect you from losing your narcissistic love, your brain wants to lie to you about it and offers up only selective memories in times of great stress.
Let Go of the ‘What Ifs’ If You Ever Want to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse
Anyone who has found herself alone in the world has, at one time or another, reflected back on an old love and wondered “what if?” – whether we admit it or not, am I right?
But when the “what if” is geared at a toxic and painful past relationship, sometimes your memory can be a bit selective – especially when you’re feeling weak and vulnerable in your life.
For example, if you recently left your narcissist and you have managed to get a job, save up enough money for a down payment on a new home and get the paperwork going on a nice little place you can call your own, it would seem like everything should be good.
But on the other side of that coin, there’s the natural trepidation that anyone experiences in the face of big life changes – and of major life purchases. That kind of feeling – of being on the precipice of personal evolutionary shifts – it can leave you feeling vulnerable, scared, and in desperate need of some familiar-feeling comfort.
And it is in those moments of weakness that we pick up the phone and we make the call, or we text the message that we’re desperate, and we need him, and we miss the “good” old days.
It is those moments in which we forget about all of the gaslighting, the name-calling, the painfully awkward silences that almost hurt your ears more than the screaming and excruciatingly personal insults.
These are the times when we need to remember why we left. The time when educating ourselves on narcissistic abusers can help to increase our resistance to their tactics and behaviors.