Travel deep inside yourself without the baggage of conditioning. Be an explorer, have patience and eventually your true nature will surface. You will return from your journey with fresh skin and you will approach each day with a wonderful sense of wonder and bliss. ~~Marco R. Capristo
Whether we recognize it or not, most everyone’s habits and behavior are a result of some form of conditioning – and for those who have experienced the painful and all-encompassing abuse that a narcissist is known for, the conditioning hasn’t always been in our best interest.
It begins when we’re small children–our parents’ opinions of us begin to help us form our own perceptions of ourselves. If we’re cursed with narcissistic parents, our perceptions are skewed, twisted…often, plain wrong.
That’s because children are sponges – they absorb everything in their environment, including and especially the opinions of their parents and other prominent people in their lives.
If they tell us we’re beautiful, we believe that we are–but if they tell us we’re horrible and sick, we’ll believe that too.
And it doesn’t end there–add in the opinions of your teachers, siblings and friends…and later those of your spouse, your bosses and coworkers, neighbors and don’t forget that lady at the dry cleaner’s last week.
All of this “conditioning,” left unchecked, can sometimes add up to a very negative self image–especially if you don’t know that you don’t have to accept it.
And, we become what we perceive–we are what we believe we are.
Here’s the thing, friend. I’ve been saying this for years, and I don’t mean to nag. But please, take just a second and really focus on this next sentence.
You don’t have to accept someone else’s judgment, perception or opinion of you.
You get to write your own story.
You feel me? But seriously, go back and read it one more time if you need to – it’s that important. And, while you’re at it – tweet it out to your friends.
Fact is, you can be whomever and whatever you choose. All you have to do is believe that you can–really believe it. I mean, feel it down to your bones. And then, believe that you’re receiving it, that you’ve already received it. Own it–because it’s yours if you want it.
Bliss Mission: Choose Your Own Story
Today, I challenge you to take a look at the people around you–those you love, those you like and even those who present certain struggles. Remember your childhood, and the people you spent time with during that time.
Now, think of all the perceptions they had about you. Your parents? Your friends? Others?
Then, think about you. Have you adopted someone else’s opinion of who you are? Or have you constantly struggled against it? Do you feel guilty for being who you are, because you haven’t become what someone else wanted you to become?
Today, every time you have a negative thought about yourself, take notice and change your mind.
Cancel the thought, and intentionally replace it with an affirmation of your true desires. So, if you think to yourself, “I am always late,” notice it. Then, mentally cancel the thought and affirm, “I am always on time.”
Perception is everything, people. And you can change yours at will. 🙂 Good stuff, yes? I think so. I’ll leave you with a final thought to get your wheels turning as you begin to release any negative perceptions you’ve held about yourself.
“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”~ Carlos Castaneda
Do not allow the simplicity of this tip make you doubt its power – this is one of those things that WORKS – changing your perception intentionally, and with a little practice, not only will you see results fast, but you’ll soon realize how much control you really DO have over your own life.
Are you ready to rewrite your story? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section, below! Let’s talk about this.
“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view – as well as your own.” – Henry Ford(more…)
So, you need or want a woman to do something for you, but you’re not sure how to make it happen.
Lucky for you, I’m one of those people who does not believe in secrets – and as a woman, I totally understand how us girls work.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, there has probably been some time in your life when you needed or wanted a woman to do something for you. Or maybe you just wanted her to do something for her own good.
Whatever the case, you may have failed to get what you wanted for a number of reasons. But I’ve got great news for you: if you make a few small tweaks to your own behavior, you can get almost any woman to do almost anything you want (within reason).
Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self
Women rarely respond well to demands, ultimatums or faith-based manipulation. Those who do may have been trained to do so, but it doesn’t do their souls any good when they bend against their will.
It’s better to help a woman understand what you need or want and why. Then she can understand your goal or intention, and that means she can understand a big, important thing for every woman: how she can help you reach that goal. Which brings me to my next point.
Ask her to help you
Few women can resist someone she likes or loves who needs her help. This is even true with strangers in many cases. We can’t help it – we are wired to take care of people.
Don’t go all feminist on me now. This is not about that. The fact is that as humans, men and women are wired to survive and to carry on the species.
Obviously that means different things for men and women, so the caretaker urge we women have is simply an instinct we can choose to nurture or not. Most of us tend to just go with it because it still works for us today.
Treat her like someone who matters to you
Here’s the bottom line on talking to women and getting anywhere, ever.
Do NOT, I repeat, do not treat her like anything less than your equal. I don’t care if she’s your wife, your sister, mom, boss…ever your daughter…whatever. Treat her as if she is as important as you. At the very least.
Give her a little pedestal to stand on and she might really shine.
If nothing else, just remember this: No woman will respond positively to someone who treats her disrespectfully. At least none who have self-respect (a super-important part of what makes any woman particularly hot, on an unrelated note).
Tell her she’s pretty/smart/amazing
Look, not gonna lie to you. Us women? We love a good compliment, especially when it’s genuine. Don’t try blowing sunshine up our asses now. Understand that we know when you’re lying.
But find stuff to compliment us on and watch how we light up. When you’ve got us all warm and fuzzy? We are always willing to be more generous with our favors.
Tell others how awesome she is
Because honestly, next to being complimented directly, hearing that someone thinks we are awesome enough to be bragged about to others is the best feeling in the world.
That makes us like or love you that much more. The more we feel connected to you by positive feelings and experiences, the more we want to make your life easier too.
Do her a favor once in awhile too.
You know how we (women) never forget when you hurt our feelings? Well we don’t forget favors either. And a lot of us like to pay it forward. The rest, conscious or otherwise, will automatically be a little friendlier and more generous with someone who has offered us the same kindness.
It doesn’t have to be big, either. Open the door for her. Help her carry on the groceries or the stuff for the big presentation she’s giving.
Watch her kids for a few hours and give her some freetime. Cook her dinner one night and save her the trouble. Take out her trash, do her dishes or mop her floor. Clean her closet or walk her dog. You know what she needs done. Do it and make her feel appreciated.
Of course, bigger favors are always appreciated as well. Don’t get me wrong.
Bottom line: never be a jerk
Jerks come in all flavors and they can be men or women. In this case, if you ever want a woman to be available to help you when you need or want it, treat her with respect all of the time.
Don’t talk badly about her to other people and don’t talk to her like she’s anything less than important.
Don’t take out your anger on her, don’t be rude or short with her. And if it happens, be a grown-up and apologize. Women are often happy to forgive when a genuine apology is accompanied by a positive change in behavior.
One more thing: JUST ASK!
Communication is so important to everyone – but women are especially wired for it. So if you need something, all you have to do, so long as you are generally a decent human being who treats her with respect, is just ask.
Don’t try to give her hints or clues or talk around the subject. Just say what you want. That’s probably where you should start, actually.
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have it all? I’ll tell you why. It’s because they believe that they can have it all, and they believe they deserve it.
Ever wondered why you can’t get anything right? Well, here it is folks: it’s because you don’t believe you can.
The great automaker and apparent philosopher Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”
He was exactly right.
My message to you today is simple. The power you seek to change your life is in your hands. All you have to do is use it.
The really cool part is that it’s so easy–just believe in yourself. Stop doubting yourself, and watch your thoughts. When you notice negative thoughts, just say to yourself, “I’m now canceling this negative thought and replacing it with this more positive affirmation of my true desires.”
In fact, you don’t even need to be that formal about it–but reciting something to that effect in your head is a great way to distract yourself from the negativity you’re dealing with, and then it’s important that you actually follow through and replace the thought with a positive one.
For example, let’s say you are calling a creditor to explain why your payment will be late. Before you call, you might worry and tell yourself that they won’t understand, and that they’ll be rude or nasty to you.
When you make that call, you find that your fears come true. And here’s the interesting part…it came true because you believed it would.
Next time a situation like that presents itself, visualize yourself being clearly understood and empathized with by your creditor. Visualize the situation working out to your best advantage, and really know it. Tell yourself things will work out in your favor, and really believe it.
I’ll bet you have a different outcome this time. Give it a shot. You won’t regret it!
Bottom line: If you can believe it, you can achieve it. It’s a fact.
How do you claim your personal power? Please share your thoughts in the comments section, below.
It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes. ~Sally Field
When you’ve been in a toxic relationship dealing with narcissistic abuse, you might find yourself so deep in chronic people-pleaser mode that you literally focus so much on what the narcissist wants that you forget about yourself. So let me ask you: How many times have you not followed your heart because you were worried about what other people might think? How often have you avoided doing something you truly wanted to do because you couldn’t stand the idea that other people would judge you?
Who makes your choices for you, really?
Have you based your major life choices on your own desires, or have you allowed other people to influence you? Do you have regrets because you have given someone else the power to make decisions in your life, whether directly or indirectly? Have you chosen your job, a partner, or your home because someone else thought you should? If so, you’re not alone – and you might be dealing with a serious case of codependency.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a toxic emotional and behavioral condition that makes it nearly impossible to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form and stay in relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
Are you a codependent people pleaser?
Most everyone has, at one time or another, made a choice in their lives that was based on someone else’s opinion. And while there are certainly times when it’s appropriate to do so, there are plenty of times that we regret not following our own intuition.
The difference is this: when you accept the advice of someone else because you feel that it’s right for you, you’re following your own gut and can consider it inspired action – but when you bend to someone else’s will to please them (despite your own feelings), you’re shortchanging yourself in the happiness department. And, you’re probably codependent. (Not sure? Take our codependency test here!)
Why Do We Care What Other People Think, Anyway?
It’s human nature to care what other people think. From infancy, we learn that when we do what someone else wants us to do, they’re happy with us–and that feels good. As we get older and learn to make the occasional unpopular decision, we are sometimes shocked to learn that some people actually seem to stop being nice to us when we don’t follow their “advice” for living.
But ultimately, we care what people think because we are taught to base our identities on the messages they give us. When our parents tell us we’re good for following their rules, for example, we begin to feel that we need to follow the rules to be good. When our kindergarten teachers scold us for coloring outside the lines, we begin to feel that unless we “stay inside the lines,” we’re wrong.
We take the messages that we hear from others about ourselves every day of our lives, and we internalize them–to such an extent that we find ourselves dependent on the approval of others for our own self-worth.
Should We Just Stop Caring?
Of course, this is a two-sided coin. While we certainly need to learn to follow our hearts and our own intuition toward inspired action and to make our own life choices, there are times we need to follow the rules. For example, to be productive members of society, we need to follow certain societal norms–at the very least, we have to follow the laws of the land.
And, the fact of the matter is, most of us aren’t able to just “turn off” caring about what others, especially those we care about, think about us and our choices. We don’t want to become cold and immune to the emotions of others, but we want to be happy. To be happy, we must make our own choices, follow our own divine inspiration for what we want our lives to be. At the end of the day, we’re the ones who must live with the decisions we make.
So where does this leave us? Are we doomed to an eternal internal struggle? How do we start taking charge of our own lives and stop letting the judgments and opinions of others dictate our choices? What do you think?
Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery, right now.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.