It’s no fun to be self-conscious. This one of the reasons that drugs and alcohol are so attractive to some people. These substances decrease self-consciousness. Self-consciousness is the result of wanting to control the image other people have of you. Ask yourself why you even care in the first place.
Caring what others think is a natural, default condition. It’s a leftover from your school days. You’ve grown beyond that environment. It’s time to move on.
Embrace boldness and live your life on your own terms:
No one cares. That can be good news or bad news depending on your perspective. As soon as you catch yourself preoccupied with the thoughts and opinions of others, remind yourself that they’re too worried wondering what you’re thinking about them. Give yourself a break and relax. You’re being judged less than you think.
Studies have shown that people pay attention about half as much as you think they do. For example, in one study, college students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt into class and then guess how many of their fellow students noticed the t-shirt. The guesses were approximately two times higher than the actual result.
Failing to act or speak results in more regret than saying or doing something embarrassing. Embarrassing incidents never seem to be as traumatic as predicted. Your ego stings more when you hold back. It becomes harder and harder to forgive yourself each time.
Ask yourself, “So?”. That inner voice will keep you paralyzed if you allow it. Instead, turn the tables and ask “So?”
“If I go to the beach, everyone will see my thighs.” “So?”
Instead of reacting emotionally, use a little logic and override your initial impulse. What’s the worst that can go wrong?
Avoid comparisons between others and yourself. The truth is that we notice the strengths of others and our own weaknesses. We’re not good at noticing our own strengths. We don’t notice the weaknesses of others easily, because they’re so busy avoiding them.
Take note of your strengths and you’ll see just how great you are. Spend your time comparing your weaknesses to someone else’s strengths and you won’t feel good about yourself.
Pretend you’re confident even if you’re not. Confident people act. When you act, and nothing bad happens, you’ll begin to develop real confidence. Keep telling yourself that you’re a confident person.
Adopt confident mannerisms and a confident posture. Speak with authority. It takes time to convince your brain that you’re a confident person, so start right away!
Take part in activities that excite you. It’s easier to be bold when doing something that you really want to do. Learn to be bold in the easiest way possible. If you’ve always wanted to visit Rome, but fear international travel, traveling to Rome will be easier to accomplish than attempting something you fear, but have little interest in.
Try a new style on for size. Change up your wardrobe or hairstyle. Expand your view of yourself. Others will view you differently too. This might make it easier to do and say the things that are on your mind. When you view yourself differently, you give yourself permission to act differently.
Self-consciousness is natural, but it’s uncomfortable and potentially limiting. Take a moment and imagine what your life would be like if you were able to stop caring about the opinions of others. This is a battle that everyone must fight in order to be truly free. Ignore your social anxieties and be your true self.
“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.” ~ Mao Zedong
Would you believe me if I told you that you have the power to change your world? What if I said that you could choose literally every aspect of your life, at least as far as you believe you could?
Would you believe me if I told you that you can manifest your very own miracles?
Now, it’s obviously not possible to guarantee a miracle, but there are some really specific and somewhat measurable actions that make miracles much more likely.
That’s right! You can help bring miracles into your life with your own abilities.
Don’t believe me? Come on, it’s time to change your life. That means you’ve got to start by changing your MIND! Be open to every possibility. Miracles happen every day. Let today be your day for a miracle!
Wanna know how to make one happen for you? Let’s start here.
The 7-Step Miracle Formula
Follow this process to begin manifesting your own miracles.
1. Be clear regarding your intentions. Do you know precisely what you want to happen? It’s not enough to hope for a financial windfall. Give your miracle specificity and a timeline.
Vagueness might result in your miracle occurring, but who wants a five-cent windfall? That’s exactly what you might get if you fail to specify a dollar amount. Regardless of the type of miracle you seek, be specific!
If you don’t want to limit yourself with a specific intention, you can always put “or better” or “or more” at the end of your intention, like “…$10,000 or better this year, lose 10 pounds or more this month, get this particular promotion or better.”
2. Rid yourself of disbelief. Disbelief will keep miracles away. When you believe something is possible, you become more capable. Would you take action if you were certain you would fail? If you can visualize success without getting a queasy feeling in your stomach, you’re in a much better position to be on the receiving end of a miracle.
Each morning and evening, imagine your desired miracle occurring. Relax and stay with the image until you feel comfortable. Imagine that you’re a bystander just watching the scene. Slowly put yourself fully into the scene while remaining comfortable and relaxed.
3. Forget about “how” your miracle will happen. Be open to any process that allows your miracle to occur. If you’re in need of money, avoid limiting yourself to finding a bag of money on the street or winning the lottery. Avoid specifying how your miracle will occur. Just allow it to happen.
4. Relax and pay attention. If you’re hoping for the man of your dreams to come into your life, it’s unlikely that he’s going to knock on your door and present himself, though he might. Instead, you will be presented with opportunities to meet the man of your dreams.
Keep your eyes open for any signs or opportunities. Accept that party invitation or finally decide to join that yoga class you’ve been considering for the last six months. Join the dating site highlighted in the email that shows up in your inbox each week.
The raw materials you need to make your miracle happen are all around you. Are you paying attention adequately?
5. Always expect the best. It’s not enough to believe that something wonderful might happen. It’s necessary to expect it to happen. Start each day with the expectation that today is the day. Keep your head up and something great will happen soon enough.
6. Be patient. Most days won’t be the day your miracle occurs – but then again, that all depends on how you look at it. Tiny miracles are all around us – take the time to notice them and watch how fast your bigger miracles can happen! Maintain hope and be confident that your big miracle is on the way. Great things take time. Be patient.
7. Take responsibility. Are you doing all you can? Miracles tend to happen when you’re holding up your end of the bargain. For example, you have a better chance of landing a dream job if you’re applying for jobs each day. Avoid relying only on luck for your miracle to happen.
Remember that you’ve already accomplished many amazing things in your life. Be clear regarding your expectations and be confident that your miracle will happen. Keep your mind open while you live your life expectantly. Miracles happen every day, and they can happen to you.
What do you think? Are you ready to start creating miracles? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.
What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep going back to the narcissist? Why do I miss them so much when they were so terrible for me? Why won’t the narcissist just leave me alone?
Believe it or not, these are some of the biggest questions I hear from both readers and coaching clients as they work through their narcissistic abuse recovery program. Almost always, when you finally gather up the nerve to end a toxic relationship, you’re going to be faced with a rocky road at first.
Most narcissists will try to get your attention again after you’ve been separated – whether it’s immediately or after a period of time. And many survivors of narcissistic abuse admit that they get sucked back in from time to time. This has a lot to do with trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s a condition that causes abuse you to literally to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. And of course, trauma bonding also makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult.
Speaking of “sucked in,” let’s remember that narcissists love to “hoover” you when they feel like they’ve lost control of you. Read more about hoovering here.
What if you’re the one trying to get back together with the narcissist?
Now, if you’re the one trying to reconnect with the narcissist, you’re probably experiencing a lot of emotional abuse right now – it’s exactly the type of thing a narc enjoys. You’ll repeatedly go through the devalue and discard phases, peppered with brief episodes of reprieve in which you almost catch a glimpse of the person you once knew.
What does that mean, exactly? Well, let me offer up a quick example using puppies. (Stick with me here, it’s not as crazy as it sounds!)
The Happy Puppy and the Biting Puppy
Let’s say that you were out to buy a puppy. You find a group of perfectly adorable pups and it’s time to make the choice.
One puppy seems happy and friendly, and when you hold out your hand, he sniffs it and offers up a little doggie kiss.
Another puppy seems a bit stressed, to say the least, and when you hold out your hand, he bites your finger, drawing blood in the shape of his tiny little puppy teeth.
A “normal” response would be to take the happy puppy home and never think of the biting puppy again, while a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse is more likely to keep going back to the biter and hoping for different results.
The fact is that it’s “normal” for us as humans to go toward pleasure and away from pain – after all, pain is a warning sign that something is WRONG. You feel me?
Along the same line, let’s get back to those dogs for a moment.
Think about the stories you’ve heard about dogs who stay loyal to their owners who hurt them. Why would they do that? It’s because of programming – the training and conditioning that you instill into them, along with their need to look to their “pack leader” for guidance.
How is this relevant to your situation?
Well, the fact is that if you’re going to voluntarily return to someone who has abused you, you’ve experienced a similar kind of conditioning. And sort of like the dog, or even like hostages who experience Stockholm syndrome, you find that you become addicted to the need to please the narcissist, or the need to find out if he or she is okay, or even of the need to get some of his coveted “positive” attention if that’s what he’s been depriving you of – those glimpses of what he once was. This is what brings you back, at least on one level.
And, like the dog who is beaten, the narcissist uses fear to control you – and when you’ve gone no-contact or when you threaten to, the narcissist reaches deep into his manipulative toolbox and pulls out your biggest fear of all the fear of being utterly, desperately alone.
So, in a way, you have to recognize that the feeling of obligation and almost desperation that you feel when you’re away from the abuser isn’t real.
The Ugly Truth: Maybe You Keep Going Back Because You’re Scared That the Narcissist Was Right
The bottom line, though is this: the reason you want that abusive jerk back, even though he put you through absolute hell, is because the pain of the idea of being ALONE, abandoned, helpless, worthless – that’s so much worse, in your mind, than the actual abuse.
Sometimes, having someone who just seems to have all the “right” answers – someone who keeps you right on the edge of sanity – just feels like home, especially if you’ve been stuck in a toxic relationship for long.
And that, my friend, is where we all sort of figure out where our places are in this world – it’s part of what makes us attractive to narcissists in the first place.
And what makes them attractive to US – they can sort of seem like what we’ve always wanted, our hero, our savior – that is, until we discover that they’ve been secretly consuming our souls, one bite at a time. Before you know it, you’re left spinning and feeling empty.
So how do you get over the need to keep going back to the narcissist?
And, if you have to, create a little “narc-resistance” file – one where you write down or record your reasons for leaving – and staying away – and make sure you’re very honest with yourself – after all, no one else needs to see it.
Avoid the Hoover Maneuver – How a Narcissist Sucks You Back In
Often, when the narcissist in your life feels the need to gain more of your attention and “narcissistic supply,” they will use a technique we call the “hoover maneuver” – and it’s meant to suck you back into the relationship, or at least, into the drama.
Have you ever experienced a desire to reconnect with a narcissist after you’ve separated from him or her? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Finding Your Catalyst to Save Yourself From Narcissistic Abuse
Knowing that you want your life to change requires that you take stock of your life, and for victims of narcissists, this can be really tough – especially when you consider what happens to us when we’re in these kinds of dehumanizing relationships. It means that you have to examine every area and look at what’s not been working to make you feel the inner satisfaction that you’d like to have.
The first way that you can find your catalyst is to understand the things in your life that matter to you. Your catalyst for motivation won’t be the same as someone else’s, because no two situations are the same. I think maybe for people who are dealing with narcissists, the situations may be more similar than we think – we tend to feel that we have to prove to them that we’re not like “all the others” who didn’t stand by them, or we are too full of fear to move forward. I have talked about this topic earlier before, actually.
What gets you up in the morning?
What really matters to you?
As you move toward removing yourself from your relationship with a narcissist, or even after you’ve done so, you might find yourself feeling sort of lost – and who can blame you?
Maybe you really dream of having a beautiful home, or perhaps you’re more concerned with financial security for your retirement, or more time to spend with your loved ones.
If having time to do what you want to do with creative work is what matters to you, then your catalyst will be whatever action gives you the chance to free your inner artist.
This may be something as simple as cutting back on hours with work or finding a different job.
Try something new, whether it’s career-related or otherwise. You
It might be the catalyst of taking an art or a writing class. Whatever it is should be something that you truly desire – something that you feel your life would be lacking if you didn’t have it.
Get ready to change – and accept that it’s necessary.
The second way is to accept that you’re going to have to change things in order to get what matters to you. Many people are willing to acknowledge what matters to them, but then they balk at the change.
You won’t get what matters to you without change. It’s like losing weight. You can’t shed pounds if you stay sedentary, eating like there’s no tomorrow. You have to be mindful of your movement and intake – it’s simple mechanics.
Be Open to Receiving What You Want
The third way to find your catalyst is to give it the opportunity to happen. You’ve got to be open to receiving what you want!
For example, if you want to start your own business, but your personal and professional life doesn’t leave you with room to learn about business development or to increase your talents, then something has to give.
You have to make room to let the change in. Maybe that means spending a little time after work on the weekdays or on the weekends to educate yourself. It’s a temporary sacrifice for a long-term benefit. You feel me?
Firm It Up: Know Exactly What You’re Going For
The fourth way to find your catalyst is to make it concrete. Write it down. Share it with others. Find a mentor. Don’t allow this change you want to remain nothing more than a desire.
The fifth way is to not let the size of the change throw you off your goal. Some changes that people want to make really are pretty big. Changes like moving from your home to live in another country because it’s what you’ve always wanted is a huge change – just like the changes you’ll be making as you go through your recovery after a narcissistic relationship.
You wouldn’t want to pack up overnight and head out the next morning. You can’t throw away personal responsibility when a catalyst happens. What you have to do is focus on the things you need to do in order to reach that change sensibly.
If your goal is moving to another country, you would want to find a place to live and secure a way to support yourself financially before taking the leap. Those are action steps that you can take that lead to the big change.
Small change is what equals big change and it gets you closer to where you want to be in life. Think about how often you’ve just accepted your fate – your lot in life.
If you’ve been watching time pass by, waiting for a bolt of lightning, consider this day your wake up call. It’s time to embrace every catalyst you encounter so that years down the
road, you’re not still stuck in the mud wondering why life passed you by.
What do you think? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.