When we get involved with narcissists and other toxic kinds of people, sometimes, it’s really hard for us to just move forward – to let go of both the narcissist and the person we THOUGHT we were signing up for, once the final discard takes place.
So, are you stuck and feeling like you need to let go – do you want to fully detach yourself from a narcissist in your life? If that sounds familiar, pull out your journal and ask yourself a few questions.
Which relationships in your life have become toxic? (Is your relationship toxic? Take the quiz)
What keeps you feeling stuck?
What would you enjoy changing in your personal life?
What do you want that you’re not getting as a result of this relationship?
What situations in your life aren’t working anymore?
What huge change are you putting off?
Do you stay stuck because it’s scary to make big life changes? (Does it seem like “the wolf you know” is better than the one you don’t?)
What personal changes, possibly even an overall change of direction, might make you happier?
Detaching from the narcissist is merely arriving at a decision to finally let go – no more allowing something from the past tense to influence your life today or to cut down your inner sense of peace and wellbeing. So all we have to do is to relinquish the beliefs and mental attitudes that keep us from receiving the pleasure of the moment. The issue comes in discovering precisely what that means; we have so many notions that keep us from living in the present moment, from becoming content and peaceful inside.
In addition to the commitment, we need to make to intentional vibration management, we have to use our sense of logic and our thinking ability to get past feeling stuck. Our information, our understanding, our beliefs and our perception are within our control. We have the ability to figure out and understand things on a logical level, through research, interaction with others and personal experience. We can then take that information and marry it to our emotions, which allows us to reassess them and process them more effectively, in my experience.
On top of this, once these emotions have been processed, we can choose to see things in the most positive possible way and we do this with personally affirming ourselves in the process, we can create our own empowerment.
Editor’s note: Trigger Warning: This powerful true story of surviving narcissistic abuse and sexual abuse may trigger negative emotions and other issues for you. Please don’t read it unless you feel strong enough to do so.
This is my story of how I survived narcissistic abuse and sexual abuse. Usually, I feel like no one can relate to my life, everything that happened is just way too “extreme.” That was until I discovered the SPANily. Now, I’m sharing my story because I want other survivors to know they aren’t alone.
I grew up in a very sheltered environment. On the outside, my family looked great, and was very respected in our small community.
It’s only now, years after I left them and moved across the country, that I was finally able to open up the huge can of worms that was my past, and face the reality of what happened to me.
My father molested and raped me regularly. My grandfather also did. I was punished if I reacted in any way to their abuse.
Once, I threw up after my father abused me with oral sex. He got so angry because maybe my mother would realize something from seeing or smelling the vomit. I’ll spare you the gory details and just say that he punished me by trying to rape me until I bled. I was 6 years old. This is just one example.
But it wasn’t uncommon: everything my father did, he always blamed on me.
Either it was a punishment, or he would somehow imply that I owed it to him to “cooperate.”
Or he would say, “I know you want this. I know who you REALLY are. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
He would slyly imply that this was the only way to “be good,” or to appreciate him. Often he would do something good for me, and then it was “expected” of me to at least listen to him, no?
Even now it is hard for me to say what it was he was doing to my mind. All I know is that he was smart and sly, and he had my entire being wrapped around his finger. He played with my feelings, my physical sensations, and private things I told him.
Everything was twisted around and used against me.
Being sad in our house was never allowed. He would make us dance and sing even when we didn’t want to. He had this unspoken rule that you are never allowed to be sad, and definitely never allowed to be angry. I lived in terror of anyone finding out my secret, and I learned to dissociate and forget it all myself, in order to survive.
After I moved away, I slowly started realizing how controlling and manipulative my father was. I could not place what it was he was doing! I started feeling awful every time I spoke to him or to my mother.
I started realizing that he was a tricky slippery person. I wished I could just break off contact, I dreamed of it because I was finally realizing how low and horrible he always made me feel.
I reached a point where I finally had the support I needed to remember the stories of abuse. As it started coming back to me, I was filled with such a strong fury. It was like a huge tsunami, powerful and uncontrollable.
It was at this point that I finally broke off all contact with my toxic family. It was hard, but that anger of realizing what he did to me gave me the strength I never could have had otherwise. I was remembering extremely graphic and horrible things, and as I did, I finally gave myself permission to trust my own inner voice and follow my heart.
I started getting rid of everything I owned that was from my former life or my former family. This clean slate enabled me to go further into my past.
Step by step.
I uncovered my mother’s role in it, then the fact that my father would bring other people to abuse me… I realized that my brain has this amazing ability to heal, even the most horrfic and deep wounds.
I saw that my mind knew how to do this, and that my heart was able to guide me as to what step to take next on my healing journey, if only I would be courageous enough to listen to it.
Finally, I was in control of my life, I was free from my family’s toxic hold on me. As I started healing I grew more confident in my own body and mind, and now I am continuing to build myself anew, one step at a time. I feel better than I ever did. I am learning what it means to live a normal healthy life and I am loving every new part of it that I uncover.
When you survive hell, and come out, you are strong and also you’re able to appreciate and enjoy life in a deep and meaningful way that I think only a survivor can enjoy. Sometimes when I do something for myself, I feel as excited as a six year old, like I am experiencing the joys I missed out on as a child.
Life is so bright on the other side and it IS POSSIBLE TO GET THERE! YES FOR YOU also! Don’t take my word for it – don’t give up and you will see for yourself.
Finding Angie’s videos, and this site was exciting for me, because I was finally able to have some sort of place to put my father. He checks off every box on the list of narcissistic characteristics. I connected to everything about what Angie calls Narcissistic Abuse Rehab.
To those of you out there who are here, like me, with the courage to face your pasts and heal, my message to you is: please take a good deep look inside of yourself. Don’t be scared to listen to that niggling deep down voice in your heart. Follow what you know is true, with courage. Don’t let anyone stop you. It is SO WORTH THE FIGHT!
What is mindfulness and how can it help you as a survivor of abuse? There is a short 5 minute meditation at the end so stay tuned ! Thank you to Paul Weinfield for talking to me today and for his guided mindfuness meditation. Paul’s book, “The Magpie Art: Gathering the Brightness of Every Day” can be found at Amazon or many other retail locations online, or check your local bookstore. It is a really wonderful book with so much insight and beauty, I highly recommend it.
Thank you to Hillary Younger for the amazing image used during the meditation. Check out her work if you have not already!!
This 5 week coaching group package starts next Tuesday,
Here are a few things past clients have said about this group:
Lise’s Self Care class has been an eye opener for me. She has a natural way of guiding her clients towards self discovery; allowing them to analyze their own personal situations and then create a path towards self healing that is individualized just for them. Lise is always available to respond to comments and questions from the group; even outside of “business hours” and often posts very thought provoking conversation starters. Her approach is non-judgmental and her candor is personable resulting in a forum where one feels “safe” to discuss their very personal feelings and experiences. Overtime it’s no longer a “class” but rather a loving, supportive extended family. I would recommend to anyone looking to move forward in their healing that they sign up for her classes. I look forward to the next course. -Diane
Joining the Self-Care Group Coaching seemed a logical next step in the healing journey. Had no idea how much it would impact my life in such a brief time. It’s more than a simple how-to and list of what to do. Lise Colucci is a beautiful soul who teaches and guides you to your path of self-care. She’s right there to encourage and gently nudge you as you move forward and face even difficult issues. The group is also filled with incredible souls, and it’s an honor to share this part of the journey with them. My loved ones have already noticed a difference and commented on the changes. If you have been dealing with your trauma bonds and are ready to move into the next step of healing, self-care coaching is an amazing resource to help you move forward! -Tam
Want to find out what this is all about and how to join ? Here is the information about the self-care focused group coaching with Lise Colucci, certified life coach, to get you started.
Times are either 9:30 am, 11am or 6pm Pacific on Tuesdays for 5 weeks and we meet for one hour on video chat per week. Also included is a group messenger chat where group members can offer each other support and Lise will be on daily to answer questions, offer support and listen.
Cost is $75 for all 5 weeks ( non-refundable )
Here are a few ways this will benefit you:
Taking self-care beyond pampering.
Looking at where you can make changes to improve your life and healing. -Individual attention with a group setting to personalize your self-care focus.
Creating a self-love lifestyle. All phases and stages of healing are welcome to join and you will get help with where you are at personally.
We will set up a group chat so you can help each other through the week and send inspiration as well.
About me in this… I listen and am good at hearing the bigger picture. I help you to see your own inner wisdom and abilities through listening to your struggles. I also try to keep it fun while suggesting ideas to help each person based on their own personal needs.
QueenBeeing has a new group coaching option to help you through narcissistic abuse recovery!
Can’t afford private coaching but you still need personal attention in your recovery? Looking for a more supportive group environment but prefer to speak instead of type? We have great news for you! Our brand new group coaching program is live!
That’s right: for only $25 per session, you can chat personally with our very own narcissistic abuse recovery coaches, Colleen Brosnan and Lise Colucci, during your group coaching sessions – once, twice or several times per week, if you like.
Plus: we have several times to choose from. A group approach to healing can give you the added support needed to help you recover and thrive.