Toxic Relationships

“Controllers, abusers, and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.” ~Darlene Quimet

Toxic relationships aren’t always obviously toxic to the untrained eye. In fact, even people who are actively engaged in toxic relationships aren’t always aware that they’re dealing with a toxic person. As outrageous as this sounds, it’s an unfortunate fact. There are many reasons that we don’t always recognize a toxic partner, family member or friend – and we’ll cover those today.

According to a MentalHelp.net survey, toxic relationships are far more common than you might think. In fact, according to their results, “57 percent of respondents have felt afraid or uncomfortable in their current relationship, while 87 percent have felt this way in previous relationships.” And that isn’t counting those who have reported abuse in these toxic relationships.

And it isn’t just women who are experiencing abuse in toxic relationships. Though a large percentage of domestic abuse is experienced by women, especially those between 18 and 34 years old, men are just as likely as women to experience emotional abuse in toxic relationships.

“Nearly 50 percent of both men and women reported psychological aggression,” write the study authors. “This falls roughly in line with our survey results, which showed that an equal number of men and women experienced fear or discomfort in their current relationship.”

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is similar to a dysfunctional relationship, but it’s far less repairable. Toxic relationships involve more negativity than positivity, and one or both of the people involved will be deprived of even the most basic emotional support on a consistent basis. Toxic relationships very often involve a myriad of issues for those involved, such as resentment, contempt, communication problems and varying forms of physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Toxic relationships are also usually codependent relationships on various levels.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

The signs of a toxic relationship are many and varied. They include:

You’re behaving in ways that you normally would not as a result of the way your partner behaves.
You’re always feeling just not good enough.
You don’t share your feelings, thoughts or ideas because you know you won’t be heard, or that it will always be taken the wrong way.
You have forgotten how to talk about yourself.
You worry more about how your partner will react to things than about how YOU feel about things.
You walk on eggshells more often than not.
You get blamed for all the problems in your relationship, whether or not you caused them.
You’re dealing with emotional abuse. (Here’s how you can recognize emotional abuse.)
You are gaslighted and manipulated as a method to control or oppress you.

Further Reading on Toxic Relationships Signs

Why did I get involved in a toxic relationship?

If your toxic relationship is of the romantic nature, chances are that you’ve experienced a toxic relationship in some other iteration in your life – most likely, in childhood. For example, one or both of your parents may have been toxic, or you may have experienced a trauma of some kind at the hands of someone you should have been able to trust. You are also an empath or a highly sensitive person who acts swiftly to soothe the extreme feelings of the people around you, possibly due to some sort of abuse or neglect in your own childhood.

This playlist goes into detail on what makes you susceptible to a toxic relationship.

Further Reading on Why You Get Involved in Toxic Relationships

How do you deal with a toxic relationship?

“Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.” ~ Denise Lisseth

No Contact is the ideal solution to a toxic relationship. That means that you end the relationship and stop connecting with the person involved, on every level. Learn everything you need to know about how to do no contact and why it works, right here. When no contact isn’t an option because of shared children or some other reason, you can manage with low-contact, gray rock or using a variety of other strategies. And there are even ways you can manage to coexist with a narcissist in the same house (if you must).

This playlist offers tips on how to deal with toxic people in relationships.

Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship?

It’s always easier said than done to leave a toxic relationship – as it is to leave any relationship. But somehow, leaving a toxic relationship can be so overwhelming that many victims just choose to stay indefinitely. Why is that? Two words: trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome. It’s a condition that causes you to develop a psychological dependence on a toxic person (abuser) as a survival strategy during abuse. And this is exactly what makes recovering from a toxic relationship so much more difficult than recovering from a “normal” breakup.

This playlist goes into detail on why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship.

Free Resource Alert: If you need help leaving your toxic relationship, go pick up your free copy of my PLAN (Plan to Leave a Narcissist) right here.

This playlist also features a number of videos that may help.

How do you heal after a toxic relationship?

Healing from a toxic relationship seems like an impossible goal for many survivors of narcissistic abuse, and this is true for a number of reasons. This healing guide offers not only solutions but also resources to help you learn not only how to heal from a toxic relationship, but why you were there in the first place. Plus, you’ll learn how you can level up your life after a toxic relationship and begin to evolve into the person you’ve always wanted to be. Read the full guide on how to heal after a toxic relationship right here.

How can I tell if my relationship is toxic?

Take this quick toxic relationship test to find out if you might be dealing with a toxic relationship. After you finish the test, you’ll be guided to free helpful resources designed just for you.

Is your relationship toxic?

Are you in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Take this quick assessment and find out today.

Does this person use your fears against you in order to elicit a certain kind of behavior from you? Do you feel like this person is out to feel “better” than you? For Example: If you told this person you felt insecure about your weight, he/she might later make discreet pokes at it, or in a romantic relationship, make comments about others who are thinner than you are. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Does this person claim to know what you (or others) are thinking? If you deny that your mind’s working the way he/she believes it is, are you accused of lying, or does the person make gestures or noises that indicate that? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.

Are you being told that things are normal when, deep down, you know for sure they are not? For example: Your boss asks you to blatantly lie to a client about the safety of an item. When you refuse, you might be told that ALL employees lie on behalf of their employers and that if you don’t want to be a team player, maybe you should find another position. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not really sure.

Are you being accused of being “crazy” or called paranoid, stressed out—too sensitive or even hormonal? Do you get told that you need therapy or meds (or something similar)? Examples: “God, you need help!” or “You’re just like your crazy mother (brother, father, etc.)!” or “You really should consider getting some therapy – you’ve got some serious issues!” Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Are you sometimes told that what you know to be true is not real? For example, if your mother says your significant other is a loser and that you need to dump him, after awhile, you might start to believe it and might even end up sabotaging the relationship because you begin to question your own judgment, thanks to regular conditioning during visits, phone calls and emails with her. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Does this person have selective memory? Does he/she deny that he said something that upset you if you confront him/her on it, will promise to do something and later tell you that it never happened? Hint: He/she might also use creative language to downplay his behavior and act as though your reaction is totally out of line. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.

Do you lie to this person to “keep the peace” or avoid getting him/her all upset or anxious? Do find yourself at least bending the truth a little in order to avoid the verbal/physical abuse that is sure to follow any discussion or situation that is against the person’s “rules” or “standards” sometimes? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never I don't know.

Have you stopped talking about yourself around the person? True or false: Depending on the depth of your relationship with him or her; you might even stop talking about yourself altogether. Then one day, when someone asks you a question about yourself, you’re stumped. You might even forget HOW to talk about you. True. At least some of the time. False. This isn't an issue for me. Unsure. This is a little confusing for me.

Are you depressed, angry, anxious or otherwise “unsettled” in ways that don’t feel “normal” to you as a result of this relationship? Do you often feel that you’re just not good enough for this person? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.