When we get involved with narcissists and other toxic kinds of people, sometimes, it’s really hard for us to just move forward – to let go of both the narcissist and the person we THOUGHT we were signing up for, once the final discard takes place.
So, are you stuck and feeling like you need to let go – do you want to fully detach yourself from a narcissist in your life? If that sounds familiar, pull out your journal and ask yourself a few questions.
Which relationships in your life have become toxic? (Is your relationship toxic? Take the quiz)
What keeps you feeling stuck?
What would you enjoy changing in your personal life?
What do you want that you’re not getting as a result of this relationship?
What situations in your life aren’t working anymore?
What huge change are you putting off?
Do you stay stuck because it’s scary to make big life changes? (Does it seem like “the wolf you know” is better than the one you don’t?)
What personal changes, possibly even an overall change of direction, might make you happier?
Detaching from the narcissist is merely arriving at a decision to finally let go – no more allowing something from the past tense to influence your life today or to cut down your inner sense of peace and wellbeing. So all we have to do is to relinquish the beliefs and mental attitudes that keep us from receiving the pleasure of the moment. The issue comes in discovering precisely what that means; we have so many notions that keep us from living in the present moment, from becoming content and peaceful inside.
In addition to the commitment, we need to make to intentional vibration management, we have to use our sense of logic and our thinking ability to get past feeling stuck. Our information, our understanding, our beliefs and our perception are within our control. We have the ability to figure out and understand things on a logical level, through research, interaction with others and personal experience. We can then take that information and marry it to our emotions, which allows us to reassess them and process them more effectively, in my experience.
On top of this, once these emotions have been processed, we can choose to see things in the most positive possible way and we do this with personally affirming ourselves in the process, we can create our own empowerment.
Life after narcissistic abuse can be challenging because we have to discover the rules as we go. We have to rediscover ourselves and what we believe. So in that spirit, here’s a starting point for all of us.
Some have even argued that is the goal of life: to figure out the rules.
Fortunately, billions of people have lived over the years, and at least a few of them have figured out a few things and passed them on. Having a few rules to use as a starting point will guide you towards a life that fulfills you.
Follow these strategies to get the most from life:
Hard work trumps all. The world is full of stories of ordinary people that have accomplished extraordinary things. Find something that is meaningful and interesting to you and put all of your effort into that one thing and see where you end up.
Let go of things that don’t serve you. Are you an executive now? It might be time to let go of those t-shirts with the beer logos. It’s not just possessions that you might consider jettisoning from your life. It’s also beliefs, hobbies, and negative relationships. Only keep the things and people that matter to you.
Stay in touch with friends and family. Once we leave school and start working, most of us lose track of our school friends. Switch jobs, and you lose track of the people from the first job. All along the way, you see your extended family less and less. It’s not easy to find people that matter in your life, so stay in touch.
Make your health a priority. A healthy body and mind support everything you want to do in life. Eat nutritious food, get enough sleep, and exercise.
Avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. It has been scientifically proven that your ability to think rationally is compromised when you’re emotional. That’s why it’s so easy to say something you later regret. Take a moment and collect yourself before saying anything.
End each day with evaluation. Ask yourself, “What did I do right today? What mistakes did I make?” Imagine if you could repeat your positive experiences and actions and get rid of the negative. Over time, it would be like compound interest for the quality of your life.
Focus your time and energy on the things you can control. There’s no reason to waste your energy worrying about anything else. The weather, the behavior of others, and the quarterback of your favorite team are outside your realm of influence.
Remember: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Money can remove many of the issues that can make life challenging. Money can also pay for a lot of fun. However, studies show that once you make enough to survive comfortably, more money doesn’t make you happier.
Avoid extremes. Nearly any good thing becomes negative if taken too far. Going to a party once a month can be a positive thing. Going to a party three times a week probably isn’t. Working 40 hours a week is a positive thing. Working 100 hours a week generally is not. You can have too much of a good thing.
Be open to new ideas and experiences. Life is very routine if you never do or think anything new. Be curious and experiment with your life. You don’t know what you don’t know.
Life has rules, and many of them aren’t entirely clear or logical. Part of the challenge of life is learning and applying the ideas and strategies that will bring you the results you desire.
There are many great books on life philosophy and living that can be helpful in your quest to understand life. Continue to educate yourself and develop your own set of rules that help you build a life you love.
*Editor’s Note: Please help us welcome Lise Colucci to the QueenBeeing team!
I was feeling really run down and in low spirits today. It’s allergy season and it has begun to hit full force. Before I knew it, I was hit with a few personal setbacks that set off negative thinking.
As the dialogue in my head escalated from a mildly complaining tone to feeling defeated and undone, I realized this was a reality that I was creating for myself based on my beliefs in that moment.
I had fallen out of self-care. I ran right through self-preservation and sped through “just making due” before just totally giving up.
That realization woke me up; this is not the life I wish to have, I thought.
This attitude will serve nothing but to carry my burdens all the way to bed and likely into my dreams. Then what?
More of the same tomorrow? NO thank you.
What can we do when the world feels so heavy and difficult, so much so that our beliefs alter our inner worlds to match its gravity?
Observe, then restate the beliefs, that’s what! It took a good half hour to get into it, catching the sighs of bodily discomforts and restating the inner dialogue which came out of those sighs.
“I am so tired” needed to be restated, while respectfully validating the needs of my body. “I can take a 10-minute rest and restore some energy“ became the new thought.
The phrases I heard myself thinking that felt full of weight and unhappiness such as, “I am alone and I have no help” needed another approach.
That one I could go at head-on by shifting my beliefs. I restated it to “I am capable. I also have friends and know I am not alone, if I need help I am able to ask.”
I realized that in that moment that no one could physically help – but certainly, a loving friend hearing me could lift my spirits and that alone can go far in restoring positive energy.
All I needed to do was ask for a listening ear. So I did, and it worked! The beliefs began to lighten up and I was able to restore positivity in my day.
During and after emotional abuse, it can get dark in our inner worlds. We lose the ease of joy and uplifted outlook on life and often feel hopeless, unwanted, alone.
Worse than that, the dialogue in our heads can become that of the abuser, telling we are wrong and unworthy. The same practice that I used above can be applied here, any time.
We don’t need to force the beliefs to change.
The beliefs we hear ourselves think can be gently and incrementally restated to improve our self-worth and our outlooks – and to increase our joy. It can be done in a simple, honest way that allows you to believe in your worth and feel gratitude for many things in life.
Do you catch yourself believing things that are unkind toward yourself or are dragging down your day? Do you hear someone else’s words echoing in your mind reinforcing the abusive things you were told? What can you do, right now, to begin to create change in your very important belief system?
Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments section, below. Let’s discuss it.
Thanks for reading this post! My name is Lise Colucci and I am one of the certified life coaches at QueenBeeing. I am so happy to be given this opportunity to serve this community and honored to get the chance to witness others healing as they seek the amazing help that coaching can provide. I will be posting short articles on different topics that relate to narcissistic abuse, healing, self-care and more and I hope that you gain some comfort or deepen your own understanding through them. This article is a bit more personal than I normally write so that you can get a sense of how I work in my own life as well as the ways I use to problem-solve the healing process.
Learn more about me here or schedule a one-on-one coaching session with me here.
Warning Signs of Narcissism in Toxic Relationships with Kim Saeed – Identifying Codependency and Narcissism in Relationships
What are the red flags of narcissism? Today Kim Saeed and I will cover them for you in detail. As you might expect, codependency is also a common phenomenon among people who are in relationships with narcissists. This is because the narcissist has such unreachable standards in any relationship that the “supply” is treated as an extension of the narcissist’s self when it’s convenient – and as nothing, when it’s not. Does that make any sense?
The narcissist and the codependent have no sense of self – so they need to have a connection to someone else (the narcissistic supply) in order to sort of siphon off their energy and personality.
Are You in a Codependent Relationship with a Narcissist?
When two people have a very close relationship, it’s natural and mentally healthy to depend on each other for certain things. However, if one of you loses sight of who you are, in order to please only the other person, the relationship can become very unhealthy. One of the most troubling relationship elements is codependency. Not sure? Watch this video and go through the warning signs of narcissism in toxic relationships we will share with you – and be very honest with yourself. This will help you understand if you’ve fallen into a pattern of codependency in your relationship.