Ever tried to explain something to a narcissist, and they pretended not to understand? It’s like speaking another language from behind a brick wall; in other words, incredibly frustrating, to put it mildly.
I should know. After all, despite what the narcissists in my life have claimed, I’ve become pretty successful in my communication skills – I literally communicate for a living. Some people say I’m pretty good at it!
And yet, even with a very simple concept, the narcissists in my life have always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend what I was trying to explain – no matter how many different ways I’d say it.
Narcissists choose to make you feel unheard and misunderstood.
Eventually, I would come to understand that they chose to misunderstand. It was a form of gaslighting, and it drove me insane!
After a while, I had to acknowledge that I was dealing with someone who was showing malignant narcissist traits.
The truth will set you free in narcissistic abuse recovery.
Once I finally figured out the truth – that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist, I felt devastated.
And yet, as painful as that was, it also relieved me beyond belief because it explained so much – and it proved that I was relatively sane despite the narcissist’s claim to the contrary.
Has the narcissist taken your identity away?
Before I discovered I’d been dealing with abusive narcissists in my life, I found myself feeling like I had nothing – like I had become a shell of the person I used to be.
I was so wrapped up in making the narcissist happy that I stopped feeling any desire for things and situations.
I lost myself and didn’t even know where to find myself! Nor did I want to be around other people.
I was overwhelmed by this person’s need for attention and narcissistic supply, not to mention his blatantly clear intention to misunderstand me and make me uncomfortable.
Whatever the reason, when I found myself at the point of being actively devalued, along with occasional silent treatment discards, I was fully focused on one goal: to fix this person and make it all okay again. It was all I could think about.
Of course, the only thing I had any control over was myself – and even though I was pretty sure that I couldn’t make the narcissist become something new, I was also someone who isn’t afraid to do a little work and fix the broken parts of ME.
So, I’d always focus on whatever was wrong with me and try to fix that (in hindsight, it was nothing but deaing with undiagnosed and unrecognized C-PTSD symptoms ).
I thought if I could fix ME, maybe the narcissist would naturally ease up. Of course, I was wrong there. I got a little mad at myself.
But then I did something SUPER dumb…
I tried to help the narcissist.
No matter how hard I tried, I never found a way to fix this person – at least none that worked.
Through the lens of my FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), I figured I’d try to fix the broken parts of “me,” thinking maybe he’d catch up – or that his behavior might change on its own if I was perfect.
Of course, the narcissist was pleased with this development. It offered plenty of chances to both love bomb and devalue in alternating rhythms, the intermittent nature of which is the very basis for trauma bonding.
But it also offered plenty of invalidation; I had zero support during this time, and I felt more alone than ever.
Narcissists don’t want your help unless they want it.
I couldn’t believe how clueless this supposedly intelligent man was able to act, but I must have believed his BS on some level.
After all, I would spend hours trying to figure out exactly how to explain something, I would even write down what I wanted to say and say it as calmly and carefully as possible.
But rather than trying to defend bad behavior, I’d shut my mouth and get lectured by the narcissist on my apparent lack of communication skills.
You can’t fix a narcissist.
For the narcissist, there was clearly no desire for change on his part, and his sense of entitlement blew my mind.
He reminded me often that he thought I was a total loser, someone who needed all this mental health help – and sometimes, he’d even convince me that I wasn’t as smart as I’d led him to believe. It got so bad that I literally started to believe him.
Narcissists do not change.
The fact is that narcissists simply do not change because, in layman’s terms, they don’t think they need to change. Their personality disorder essentially causes it to feel impossible.
Not only that, but their glaring lack of emotional or compassionate empathy for you or anyone else is exactly the reason why the narcissist has no remorse when they flip everything around and become angry with you.
You are NOT crazy!
I “needed help,” they’d say. So obviously, I felt like no one understood me, and I felt alone and completely insane – and the narcissist took advantage of my weakness at the moment and assured me that this might be the only time I’d ever been right.
(If you can relate to that, please know that you’re NOT crazy – and know that the narcissist behaved this way on purpose to add “mental health” issues to your plate.
That’s because when you don’t trust your own judgment thanks to their abuse, narcissists will actively try to disturb your peace and, yes, even your sanity. They can’t stand for you to be happy.
Even my friends didn’t get why my relationships were so toxic.
It floored them, they said, because I was so easy to get along with. After all the years of hearing about how awful I was to live with, you can imagine my surprise to hear otherwise.
But my friends weren’t alone in their confusion. In fact, I got plenty of feedback from anyone who had the nerve to offer it.
My toxic parent mystified them, but they’d say in a horrified voice that she was my MOTHER and I had better repair the relationship with her before it was too late. That last part, for the record, means they would shame me.
People would tell me to just get over it and move on.
Some suggested therapy – but that never works with a malignant narcissist.
When it came to my toxic marriage, it was even worse – they were annoyed and would ask, “why don’t you just leave already if it’s so bad?” (NOT helpful, btw!)
Does your life feel like some kind of cosmic joke that makes you dysfunctional?
I have gone through several existential crises during which everything I did felt wrong, off-balance, or just plain crazy. Here I was, living in what felt like a cosmic joke of a life, with narcissists everywhere I turned.
Even friends who weren’t intrinsically toxic were still unable to understand my issues.
I mean, after being so beaten down and being so conditioned to question myself – I really didn’t even know what I believed, much less understand how to figure all that out.
I knew I needed help.
But not just any help. I needed to feel seen and heard. I needed a way to share the times when I did not feel good enough or even like I was a “real” person.
I didn’t know how to find help. I wanted a very specific kind of help. Not from just anyone, but specifically with people who UNDERSTOOD where I was.
After searching and trying out therapists and various support groups and systems, I found no relief: no one could quite “get” what I’d been through.
But something in me told me that I couldn’t be the only one going through this.
So, I got busy and started doing my research, and right about 2012, I learned about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse. And boy, am I glad I did – these little bits of information were life for me – as in they changed mine.
Back then, no one even really knew the term “gaslighting” – I had to go to the library to learn about it. There wasn’t much information on the internet that was easily digestible. As I began to post about this stuff on my blog, things turned interesting: many people came to me and asked for my help.
How could I help?
I was a journalist by trade, so research and writing were my bag. I knew how to write, I reasoned – and I I felt terrible when I learned how underserved this group of people was at that time. And after a lot of study and research, I took it upon myself, and I got to work creating that much-needed content.
It was a start anyway. But I had bigger plans. I wanted to build an app. And so I did.
Easier, less painful narcissistic abuse recovery is the goal.
My goal in building this new app was to make it easier – or at least far less painful – for our fellow survivors than I had it back then. I wanted to create content that made narcissistic abuse recovery easier to discover, understand, and get through.
I did this by sharing information and helping victims and survivors understand what they were dealing with and what they’d need to do to heal themselves. This led to an entire movement that would eventually be supported by a whole team of fellow survivors.
Over the years, we have really learned who we survivors are and exactly what we need to heal ourselves so we can evolve and thrive from here on out.
Not only do I do my best to be the person I needed in my own recovery for you, but I have simultaneously healed myself along the way.
So, I learned I wasn’t alone – and I hope I’ve helped you do the same. (If not, stick with me – we will get there!)
Because I’ve developed something BETTER to help you in your recovery.
Because after all these years, and after helping hundreds of thousands of survivors get through their recovery a little easier, I’ve created something that will intuitively help you heal and get (and stay) connected!
Narcissistic abuse recovery support that you can put in your pocket and take with you wherever you go.
That’s right! Even better, there are hundreds of narcissistic abuse survivors just like me – just like you– who have joined me, and they are finding (and giving) serious support in our new in-app tribes, not to mention the tools, tips, and helpful information that is designed to walk you through your recovery from wherever you are, right now.
Introducing the All-New Narcissistic Abuse Recovery App
Inside this amazingly intuitive and easy-to-navigate app and its private community, you’ll find a new (and more secure) way to connect with me, my fellow coaches, and our fellow survivors.
You will also find toolkits, trackers, helpful tips and ideas, and more from the QueenBeeeing team – all designed to make your recovery as painless as possible.
You can count on not having to deal with any more judgment. No more shame or worries about narcissists or flying monkeys finding your posts or anything about you.
The app offers you a safe space where survivors are free to share their thoughts, ask their questions, be scared, and stay vulnerable without any judgment or shame.
No longer will narcissistic abuse resemble a lonely, dark crawl out of hell and into the unknown.
Now, you can recover faster and with less pain with our new narcissistic recovery app and the full support of the QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery team and your fellow survivors!
You’ll get immediate access to our support tribes community.
You’ll be given toolkits and complete step-by-step blueprints to help you get and stay safe and healed, from discard to evolution and more.
You’ll be warmly welcomed as a member of this secure community by our amazingly supportive, empathy-filled survivors who truly understand where you’ve been – because they’ve been there too.
What does it cost?
While I usually price my apps at a reasonable $25 per month, this one is different. I want it to be more accessible – so I’m only charging $9.99 a month for now. And as long as you remain a subscriber, you’ll never pay more.
If you’ve used one of my previous apps, I am so excited to tell you this is the VERY BEST and most intuitive one we’ve ever built! You will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to customize for your own needs and the level of information, tools, and support you have at your fingertips!
Are you ready to get safe support and validation from your QueenBeeing team and your fellow survivors?
Then there’s only one thing left: get the app now!
Are you tired of being the victim of narcissistic abuse? Fully over being drained by energy vampires? Are you done with feeling as if your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth have been slashed to pieces by someone who was supposed to love you? Do you want to reclaim your power, heal from the pain, and gain the tools you need to move on into a healthier life?
Understanding the Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a traumatic experience that can leave you feeling like your life has been upended, to put it very mildly. You may feel alone, misunderstood, and like you’ll never be the same again. It can be very painful and it will feel nearly impossible to carry on.
It’s packed with simple tools and tips on how to recover from narcissistic abuse and take back your life. You’ll learn how to recognize the signs of narcissism, what it means to be gaslit, and how to move on once you’ve been gaslit by a narcissist.
Even better, I built an entire online narcissistic abuse recovery support system meant to help you heal from narcissistic abuse by giving you tools and techniques to overcome the damaging effects of neglect, abandonment, and/or abuse at the hands of someone you trusted to protect you. It offers a virtual roadmap to recovery from narcissistic abuse and you’ll have a guided experience at no cost to you when you simply sign up for email service.
Speed up your narcissistic recovery now.
One of the most effective, low-cost tools I’ve created has already helped hundreds of people just like you and me to take back their lives – and it comes with a free year of online (but OFF social media) support from a private support group and narcissistic abuse recovery coaches and experts.
I call it Positively Profound Personal Transformation After Narcissistic Abuse – and it will help you do exactly what it says: profoundly transform yourself into the person you truly want and deserve to be.
You’ll stop being a victim and start being a survivor. You’ll learn to fend off the “energy vampires” in your life, and you’ll find a way to rise above the negative, toxic people who have effectively destroyed you.
Plus: you’ll be able to become the most powerful version of yourself as you heal and learn to use new tools to deal with the narcissist in your life, however that looks for you.
SPANily Home is an independent online community that offers support to survivors through peer support, online workshops, and more. It does not rely on Facebook or any other social media site.
Plus: optional guided group coaching sessions and one-on-one mentoring with international experts in narcissistic abuse recovery and personal transformation, occasional guest experts in the field of narcissistic abuse, and educational materials such as books and videos that will aid in healing.
All of that being said, don’t feel pressured to purchase this particular deal. There are tons of free and cheap services and tools you can use at QueenBeeing.com – and if you’d prefer more personal or direct support, I invite you to check our Zoom group coaching and/or one-on-one coaching.
Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today
I’m so excited to share my newest narcissistic abuse recovery coaching program – this one is a personalized, one-on-one Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching Program that I’m calling Clear the Slate.
Not only will it save you $278 total in appointment discounts and services discounts, but it’ll also offer you tons of additional help and content, which you can keep forever to help you as you go forward.
The goal: Clear the Slate and Get Your Feet on Solid Ground: Stop Spinning Your Wheels (A 6-Week Personalized Program to Help You Find Center and Start Living Again)
Are you dealing with narcissistic abuse in a relationship, or have you dealt with it in the past? If so, you might be a candidate for this program.
As you’re going through this recovery and growth process of recognizing and getting through narcissistic abuse, or of getting over a narcissistic relationship (not to mention the mental damage done by it), you might start to feel like you’re not quite connected like you should be – or like you want to be.
Let me ask you: do you ever feel like there’s a sort of barrier or bubble around you that prevents you from actually experiencing life?
Or maybe you can’t quite “feel” the world around you? Or, is it kind of like like you’re looking at people through a fog or screen, or maybe like you just have no emotions at all?
If you’re feeling scattered, forgetting things and generally dissociating from yourself and your life as you work to heal from the abuse you endured during your narcissistic relationship, you’re not alone.
In fact, you might also be feeling a variety of PTSD-related symptoms as you go through this process, and that’s because you’ve been through an emotional hell, or you may still be going through it.
Here’s What’s In It for You
As we work together, you will learn how to stop spinning and put your feet on solid, level ground. By the time we’re finished, you’ll be ready to really start your new life and to begin creating the life and self you truly want and deserve.
This means you’ll learn:
To discover the exact reason and to let go of whatever brought you to this broken place in your life – and exactly how and why you should.
Why and how dissociation and other PTSD-related symptoms have literally saved your sanity and maybe even your life in the past, and why it’s so hard to let go of them.
How you can stop dissociating find center again.
Coping tactics for the weeks and months ahead as you go through your self-rediscovery process and get through the narcissistic abuse aftershocks.
How and why you’ve got to live in the moment.
Self-care affirmations, plans and daily routines to help you learn to love yourself, in a way that you never could before.
Included are the Following Weekly 45-Minute, One-on-One Coaching Sessions, Each Customized to Your Specific Situation and Needs
Week One: Push the ‘Restart Button’ On Your Life
Week Two: Letting Go of Old Baggage
Week Three: Managing Dissociation and PTSD 101
Week Four: How and Why to Start Living in the Moment
Week Five: Something to Anchor You
Week Six: Freedom and Self-Love: Developing Your Personal Passion Plan
And: Weekly Self-Discovery and Personal Development Missions:
Week One: Jumpstart Guide to Your Brand New Life
Week Two: Personal Baggage Inventory Tool: Figuring Out What You Can Leave at the “Station”
Week Three: Coping Tactics & Tools
Week Four: Tools for Development: Mantras for Moving Forward
Week Five: Anchoring Yourself: Your Personal Sign of Self-Actualization
Week Six: Your Passion Plan Building Kit
Plus: Tools to Help You Move Forward and Reclaim Your Life, Including:
Access to Coaching via App During the 6 Weeks and for 2 Weeks Afterward (Learn more at DailyCoach.App)
Daily & Weekly Reminders, Checklists and Related Reading Materials
Daily Affirmations, Journal Prompts, Exercises and Reflections sent to your private coaching inbox during the 6-week program.
“It took me realizing that a broken heart has never actually killed anyone to find the courage to ask for what I want, in just about every situation. That was part of my own growing up.” ~Ginnifer Goodwin
If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship, you might be feeling like your heart is breaking when the relationship ends – even if you’re the one who ended it. But the journey, as painful it can feel, is a worthy one. And, if you want to leave it behind you and move forward, it’s a necessary one.
Emotional Healing for a Broken Heart
Isn’t it true that your emotions really take a hit when your heart is aching? Sometimes it feels like the day of healing is a million miles away. The difficult time you encountered in the past can take a while to be purged from your system. It’s definitely healthy to experience a range of emotions. However, it’s unwise to have the negative ones consume your existence. You’re better off working towards healing the hurt. That way, you can start to experience joy and happiness again. Emotional healing is possible if you work at repairing the source of the hurt. As you’ll see, that may mean making some tough decisions.
Try these narcissistic abuse recovery meditations.
If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize something important. Some of the negative influences may very well be the people closest to you! It’s going to be a challenge separating from them. But your emotional health is more important than maintaining those relationships. This is especially true when you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse – when someone you love is actively abusing you psychologically, emotionally, or even physically. This is when you’re going to want to consider going no contact in order to preserve your own sanity and to begin your healing on solid ground.
Are any of your friends guilty of adding fuel to the fire? Can you identify times when they’ve encouraged you to avoid forgiving someone who offended you? You can very quickly identify people whose advice is riddled with negativity. Avoid allowing the years of friendship to cloud your judgment. You can almost guarantee continued misery if you keep them in your life. Here’s a video on how to handle going no contact with someone who is toxic for you.
Learn to set and uphold your boundaries.
Most codependents and survivors of narcissistic abuse have trouble with setting boundaries. This might be due to the fact that they were never actually taught to do so in the first place, thanks to the fact that so many of us were raised by people who didn’t allow us to have boundaries at all. Or, it could be related to the ongoing abuse we have endured in our toxic relationships. If you’re struggling to set appropriate boundaries, this video will help you learn how to not only set those boundaries but also to uphold them as necessary.
Accept responsibility for your part in the relationship.
It’s pretty hard to look in the mirror, right? Deep down, you worry that everything is all your fault – and that’s understandable, given that the narcissist in your life made sure you believed it. But it’s difficult to accept that idea – and even more difficult to imagine that you might have been reacting to the narcissistic abuse. And at times, we feel angry at ourselves rather than the abuser, partially because we feel like we should’ve seen who they were much sooner, or because we think we are weak for tolerating it. In any case, if you’re struggling to see what really happened or what your part in the relationship really was, it can be a good idea to dig in and figure out exactly what your responsibility should be. Confront yourself – what could you have done better or differently, if anything? Maybe you just needed to be less accepting of the abuse. Maybe you struggled with depression and anxiety as a result of it. Either way, recognize what happened and work through it. Be courageous enough to accept responsibility for your part in the relationship so that you can move forward and heal – and avoid these toxic types of people in the future.
There is also something we call “reactive abuse,” which means that victims of narcissistic abuse will sometimes react to this ongoing torture and manipulation in verbally aggressive and in some cases, physically aggressive behavior. It isn’t okay, but it is understandable given the level to which narcissists will pressure and psychologically manipulate you.
You likely have a set of morals to live by. And while you know they exist, you may sometimes avoid them when making decisions. Abandoning morals is the easiest way to make missteps in life. Go back to your roots. Take a hard look at what really matters to you. Start to embrace those morals one by one. Start to repair how you approach situations. If making a decision means abandoning your moral compass, take another route.
Just like any other compass, your moral compass keeps you on track. It’s the best way to avoid getting lost in the sea of emotional decision-making.
Commit to daily renewal.
The road to emotional healing is long and winding. It’s something that usually takes quite a bit of time to achieve. But it can be done! All you need to do is recommit to the cause every morning when you wake up.
Daily renewal is the best way to turn your healing into a habit. When you go for days without that renewal, it’s easy to slip back into the heartache. Be fair to yourself. Remember you deserve the healing. At the end of each positive day, celebrate your progress. Congratulate yourself for completing one more day of healing and positive living. You’ll find that you rest more soundly at night.
Achieving emotional healing isn’t an automatic process, especially when you consider the pervasive and consuming nature of narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. It takes time, patience with yourself, and a lot of attention to your own needs. This can feel really hard when you’ve been focused on someone else for so long, but now is the time to really take care of yourself. Focus on what you need and block out the noise around you. But don’t self-isolate and stay stuck forever. Here’s one more quick healing tip for you.