Ever get tired of being abused by a narcissist? Feel like you want revenge? Would you like to know how to make a narcissist obsessed with you? Have you wished you knew how to make a narcissist suffer or how to make a narcissist feel guilty? What if I could tell you exactly how to make a narcissist feel bad?
Well, if you want to know how to control a narcissist and get them to do what you want or to give him/her a taste of their own medicine, this is what you do.*
*Fair Warning: You need to know that while this information can be useful, there’s such a thing as karma – and maybe you don’t want to do this. The fact is that two wrongs don’t make a right. With that being said, I get it – sometimes, you just want to make a narcissist feel the way he or she makes YOU feel – to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe that’s because you think it’ll help him get a sense of empathy – but it won’t, at least not for long. However, it WILL cause him to be under your control for a period of time, so if that’s what you want, you’re in the right place. PLEASE NOTE: If there is physical abus of any type in your relationship, none of this article applies to your situation and you should be working on getting out as quickly as possible – check out this page for some resources to help you.
How to Torture a Narcissist in 10 Steps
So, if you want to torture, torment, and control a narcissist, here’s what you do.
1. Look as physically attractive as possible, at all times.
Narcissists NEED to feel like they’ve got something everyone else wants – so you’ve got to make yourself look desirable to them. Be aware that even if you look absolutely perfect, they will claim that you’re not attractive, or they’ll say that they don’t like what you’re wearing. Alternatively, they’ll ask who you’re dressing up for and potentially discuss your morals and “loose” sexual behavior. That’s okay. This is just the narcissist’s way of trying to take you down a notch or two so you might lose your confidence and think you can’t do better – because quite honestly, the idea that you will leave them is torturing them already – even if they repeatedly tell you they don’t want you and wish you’d just leave already, or they threaten to end the relationship. Remember: narcissists, like most humans, have a serious fear of abandonment – and this is true regardless of whether they have another source of narcissistic supply on the hook already. Keep this in mind and don’t let them get to you. Just smile or keep a straight face and do not let on that you’re on to their game. This, along with the following tips, will surely make the narcissist obsessed with you.
2. Be extremely sure of yourself.
If the narcissist calls you conceited, you reply with something like, “Conceited? No way! I’m just convinced – have you seen the statistics?” This is right on their level – they’ll “get” it and it’ll make them want you more because they secretly wish they could be that way. Remember that the narcissist has been working on destroying your self-esteem for a long time now. Not only does this prevent you from thinking you can do better than them, but it also leads to the narcissist having more control over you and your life. So keep it in mind as you go forward and remember that probably 99 percent of the things the narcissist says about you are completely wrong – or at the very least, extremely exaggerated. You, as it turns out, are probably pretty amazing – and the narcissist knows it. That’s why they keep playing this little game – they’re afraid you’ll find out too.
3. Never say “I love you too.”
It’ll keep them wondering! And it’ll keep them chasing you relentlessly. (Like children, narcissists always want what they can’t have!) Remember that part of what the narcissist needs from you is narcissistic supply. This includes your emotional energy in whatever way they can get it – and they certainly need to know that you love them at any given moment. So, if they say they love you and wait for a response, you can just smile or say nothing – or if you must say something, you can say, “Me too.” Or, if you’re really brave, you can say, “I know” or, ” thank you.”
4. Keep a certain amount of distance between the two of you.
And never commit to anything, ever. Don’t let the narcissist physically or emotionally get close to you – and push them out of your inner circle, even if you do so subtly. Putting a little bit of emotional (and if possible, physical) distance between you and the narcissist will certainly twist their brains a bit – they won’t know how to react when you stop asking, “how high?” when they tell you to jump. While the narcissist is happy to keep secrets and lie to you, they certainly expect you to tell them anything and everything they want to know. Stop telling them stuff that they don’t need to know. Stop allowing the narcissist to dominate and dictate what you do all day. Start making choices for yourself again and do so without apology. They won’t even know what to do when you put up that little barrier. They won’t recognize it at first. But they’ll realize something is off – and they will definitely not like that.
5. Be flirty and aloof.
And if you’re ever accused of flirting with someone else, make sure that you quickly turn it around to make the narcissist seem crazy. This is exactly what they’re doing to you during gaslighting – so why not return the favor? Be prepared for retaliation that you might not like – such as even more blatant flirting with another person or even cheating on you. Narcissists love to make you jealous – but they cannot stand to feel like you might be doing something with anyone else. Jealousy in a narcissist can be dangerous, so be careful here. You can expect a good burst of narcissistic rage and/or narcissistic injury.
6. Make them beg for your approval!
How? So easy – just politely and underhandedly point out their imperfections – i.e. “it’s so great that you’re so comfortable with your appearance – I wouldn’t be so confident if my eyes were so far apart, etc.” or “wow, your face would be totally perfect if only your nose weren’t quite so crooked.”
*Note – the “imperfection” doesn’t even need to be real – because the narc will obsess about even perceived imperfections and constantly seek your approval. One more example of this tactic: “I love how you will go out in public looking like shit without even caring – how do you manage to find the confidence even carrying around those extra pounds? You are so OWNING it!”
7. Be way too busy for them all the time.
Stop dropping whatever you’re doing when they demand your time and attention. You are not their little plaything – you’re a whole separate person who has their own interests and things to do. It’s time you remember that now. If you’re trying to torture the narcissist, you have to stop making their manipulation easier for them – make them work for your time and attention. Narcissists expect you to drop whatever you’re doing when they want your attention, but they can’t be bothered to do the same. If you want to drive a narcissist crazy, stop being available to them. Suddenly pick up a new hobby, or a part-time job, or make some new friends. Or PRETEND to do those things, even. Because the truth is that not allowing the narcissist to run your schedule is one step closer to your own freedom – and as long as they’re not physically abusing you, you can get away with ignoring their little fits.
8. Throw a crazy bitch-fit every now and again.
You know how narcissists have this way of blowing everything out of proportion? Yeah. But here’s the thing – they cannot tolerate it when anyone else does this. Not only does it steal their spotlight, but it also causes them to have to focus on you – even if it’s just to figure out how to get the focus back on them. So start overreacting and getting way too emotional about the little things. IMPORTANT: Whatever you get upset about must either directly involve them (as in, you have to get upset AT THEM), or it must be at someone that affects them such as their family member, best friend or anyone else they would feel they need to either defend or argue with you about. Get DRAMATIC! Be unapologetic when you overreact to something small – and let the narcissist know that it’s not your fault – you don’t know how to deal with your feelings because you just have never felt enough about anyone else to actually feel ANYTHING, let alone enough to freak out. (The idea here is that they’ll think this makes them special – that they can evoke such emotion in you, and they’ll want to control you – that’s the closest thing a narcissist ever feels to love). The narcissist absolutely will freak out on you, but to keep their anger at bay, you have to (appear to) be over-the-top furious and to the point that even their bad behavior doesn’t (appear to) scare you. You might notice the slightest smile touches their face when you do this. That’s because they’ll be fascinated in a weird grotesque kind of way – but also a little scared. I wouldn’t judge you if you decided to savor that moment a little bit.
9. Keep this crazy rollercoaster on its track until you’re over it.
And then immediately pull the “discard” phase on them – go no contact. This will make the narcissist desperate for your attention – after all, you’ll have managed to build a toxic relationship on the basis of insecurities and manipulation. That’s the best kind as far as the narcissist is concerned. So, you might as well stick to the original program, right?
10. Realize that no matter what you do, the narcissist will NEVER truly love you.
It’s not you – it’s them. See, the narcissist doesn’t have the capacity to love, at least not in the way that a normal person loves. But hey, if you want to learn to control a narcissist, these steps are the ones to follow. You should also take some time to learn more about the mind games and manipulation tactics narcissists typically use so that you can level the playing field if you catch my drift. Here’s a helpful video to start with.
Just remember: If you do this, it’ll be bad for your karma – but it might feel good for a moment. While it might be very tempting to manipulate and control a narcissist, the truth is that it’s only going to be a band-aid – the giant empty spot in a narcissist’s soul is unfillable.
So, the truth is that if you’re not able to go no-contact, relating to the need is the best strategy you can use to cope. That is, be aware of the narcissist’s limitations and learn to employ the gray rock practice – go “flat” and react with zero emotion. It’s the only way to really effectively communicate with a narcissist.
But remember this: the best revenge you can take on a narcissist is truly living well and happily WITHOUT THEM.
Your turn: Have you ever wanted to torture a narcissist? How’d that work out for you?
Related Video: Things Narcissists Hate (And Fear)
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- Join one of our private small coaching groups!
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- You might enjoy my book, Your Love is My Drug: How to Shut Down a Narcissist, Detoxify Your Relationships & Live the Awesome Life You Really Deserve, Starting Right Now.
- Get a therapist who will work with you online. Check out our guide to finding a therapist or psychologist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.