Stop Negative Self-Talk In Its Tracks

Stop Negative Self-Talk In Its Tracks

As humans, we’re sometimes very hard on ourselves – and this is especially true when narcissistic abuse is or has been an issue in your life. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, our beliefs can sometimes be very damaging to our self-esteem. Unfortunately, these negative talking points in our head sometimes keep us stuck in a rut.

A great psychologist, Albert Ellis, had many tokens of wisdom to pass around. One of his ideas centralized around these negative thoughts, which he often referred to as irrational beliefs.

Discover how you can stop this vicious circle and turn your self-talk into words that support and encourage you, instead.

Pay Attention to Triggers

The first step to stopping negative self-talk is figuring out what is triggering these negative beliefs in the first place.

Albert Ellis called these so-called triggers “activating events.” These can be everyday occurrences that happen to us or around us. Anything from having your boss or supervisor yell at you and take away your project to experiencing a run-in collision with a deer on a country road can be an activating event.

Are you in conflict with another? Did something not go your way?

Further, triggers can also be incredibly personal to you and unique to your life. These are sometimes referred to as “red flags.” Red flags are issues that pertain to you alone, such as your weight, family and close relationships, integrity, and anything else that you deem sacred.

When these issues get raised, they immediately set off an alarm within you.

Identify Irrational Beliefs

These irrational beliefs are the real culprits behind why we get upset or angry at the triggers we’ve just experienced, according to Albert Ellis. It’s not the trigger itself, but the beliefs that cause the negative self-talk.

Ellis claimed that these irrational beliefs are responsible for our emotional states, also known as the consequences of our beliefs. In this way, by identifying and then changing these beliefs, we can experience fewer emotional consequences.

For example, let’s look at this process:

  • You just learned that you got turned down for a promotion at work.
  • Getting turned down for the promotion is the activating event or trigger.
  • The underlying thoughts or irrational beliefs you might be having include, “I’m never going to advance my career,” “My boss hates me,” or even “My boss is never fair to me.”
  • These beliefs or thoughts can lead to emotional consequences of sadness and depression.

Dispute Irrational Beliefs

The idea behind identifying these negative, irrational beliefs is so you can do something to change them.

You can change them by challenging these beliefs. This is a process of examining the truth and reality and seeing that it is different from your belief.

In the prior example of getting turned down for a promotion, a series of questions can be asked to help you sort through reality from these irrational beliefs. You want to challenge yourself by asking questions that are almost the opposite of your identified beliefs.

Some of these challenge questions may be:

  • What is the truth in this situation?
  • Do I have evidence to support that my current beliefs are true?
  • In the example above: Are there times when my boss has been fair?
  • Is it true that I’ll never advance in my career, or is this just a minor setback?

These questions can help you identify the truth from what you may erroneously believe or negatively think about a situation.

If you can identify the truth, this can lead you to think differently and avoid suffering the emotional consequences of the trigger in the first place.

Follow this process whenever you notice thoughts that are unkind to you. Change your beliefs and you’ll find your self-talk becoming words of encouragement, instead.

Identifying the Exhibitionist or Somatic Narcissist

Identifying the Exhibitionist or Somatic Narcissist


Are you dealing with an exhibitionist narcissist? Somatic narcissists are synonymous with exhibitionist narcissists – but they aren’t exactly what you think. In this video, I’ll fill you in on how to identify a somatic or exhibitionist narcissist.

An exhibitionist narcissist is similar to other types of narcissists. They usually grow up with poor self-esteem and may lack a nurturing environment at home. They often compensate for this by having an inflated sense of self.

  1. Exhibitionist narcissists also have a sense of entitlement.

2. Center of attention. Exhibitionist narcissists always have to be the center of attention. They want the whole world to revolve around them.

○ They love attention and seek it out. They want everyone to love and praise them. They’re not comfortable sharing the spotlight with friends or other family members. They easily become jealous if they’re not the center of attention.

3. Lack of empathy. Exhibitionist narcissists don’t understand what other people are feeling. They can’t relate to them and often ignore them.

○ Although exhibitionist narcissists are capable of feeling hurt, they don’t realize it when they hurt others. They’re only able to see their own feelings and don’t care about how others feel.

○ Exhibitionist narcissists also tend to be selfish. They expect the world to bend to their needs and desires. They want everything immediately and lack patience. They don’t care that their wishes inconvenience others.

4. Expecting perfection. Most exhibitionist narcissists expect perfection from those around them. They have unrealistic expectations and extremely high standards.

○ They also believe that they’re perfect, and it’s impossible to convince a narcissist that they’ve made a mistake. They push their expectations on others and refuse to live in the real world.

○ Projecting perfection is also important for the exhibitionist narcissist. They will go to great lengths to convince others they’re perfect. They’ll spend hours editing photos, cleaning their homes, or buying new things. They’ll lie if it’s necessary to convince someone they’re perfect.

○ Often, exhibitionist narcissists will post idealized images and stories about their lives online.

5. Using others. Since exhibitionist narcissists don’t care about other people, it’s easy for them to use others. In some cases, they’ll use family members as props.

○ They often tend to think of people as things. They believe they’re easy to replace and exchange.

○ Exhibitionist narcissists can make family or friends feel like they’re accessories. Since the narcissists have to be the center of attention at all times, they’ll push people aside to get what they want.

○ Narcissist have a hard time returning affection because they don’t view others as their equals.

6. No apologies or responsibility. Exhibitionist narcissists are not able to apologize even if they realize they’ve done something wrong. They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

○ They refuse to acknowledge that they’re wrong. You can wait forever to hear an apology from them, and you won’t get one.

○ Admitting a mistake would be a devastating blow to their egos.

○ It’s easier for them to pretend nothing is wrong. It’s easier to ignore issues forever and let others suffer because, once again, they don’t care.

Once you learn the signs, it’s easy to spot an exhibitionist narcissist. You can learn how to see these signs and use the information to avoid narcissists.

19 Quick & Dirty Ways to Unapologetic Self-Love

19 Quick & Dirty Ways to Unapologetic Self-Love

What does it mean to be rock-solid in your self-love and self-image? How can you become the person you truly want and deserve to be, during or after narcissistic relationships? What actionable steps can you take to truly and unapologetically LOVE YOURSELF to the point that literally no one – and especially not a narcissist – can affect your ability to feel good – your ability to feel happy and to have an unbreakable sense of self-esteem?

That’s what we’re talking about today – finding the part of yourself that lets you create and grow an unbreakable, unapologetic sense of self that will release you of the need to be validated from outside yourself.

There’s no shortage of information on how to strengthen your relationship with your family, boss, or coworkers. However, you never hear about how to have a more productive relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have! Most of the trouble you have with yourself is that you don’t know yourself well.

You may have spent most of your life avoiding yourself. We don’t want to address our shortcomings or deal with uncomfortable thoughts. But you can’t escape yourself, so you might as well make friends.

Try these techniques to develop a stronger relationship with yourself:

Start your day with gratitude and positive thoughts. Instead of reaching over for your cell phone to check the weather or to see if your Clash of Clans village was raided overnight, spend the time on yourself. Mentally list a few things that make you grateful to be alive. Tell yourself something positive.

  • Give yourself the intention of having a good day.
  • List your positive qualities.
  • Get your day off to a good start with yourself.
  1. Write in a journal. Your thoughts and life are worth recording. Take time each evening to write for a few minutes. You’ll gain a lot of insight and appreciation for your life. Show yourself that your life matters.
  2. Let go of your avoidance behaviors. What do you do when you’re feeling emotionally under the weather? Shop? Eat? Get online? Instead of avoiding yourself, sit with yourself.
    • Just breathe and notice your feelings and body sensations. Avoiding them just prolongs the cycle.
    • In time, your negative emotions will dissipate without your attempts to hide from them.
  3. Think of meditation as spending quality time with yourself. Begin with just a few minutes and extend the time as you feel more comfortable. You’ll learn how your mind works by meditating.
  4. Spend time on your personal development. What do you feel the need to learn?
    • Social skills?
    • Relaxation skills?
    • Networking?
    • Spiritual development?
    • You spend so much time doing things for your boss, home, and family. Take a break and spend some time dealing with your own needs. 
  5. Have some fun. Plan some fun in your life. Get a monthly massage or meet a friend for ballroom dance lessons. It’s your life. Enjoy it.
  6. Forgive yourself. You’ve made a few mistakes and missed out on a few sure-fire opportunities. That’s no reason to beat yourself up for the rest of your life. It’s time to let go of your past and forge ahead.
  7. Groom yourself to a high standard. Take the time to shower each day and pay a regular visit to the barber or salon. Keep your grooming at a higher standard than others in your environment.
    • Take good care of yourself and show the world how much you mean to yourself.
  8. Get help if you need it. No one can handle everything all of the time. Sooner or later, we all need help. That help may come in the form of a trusted friend or professional help. Get the help you need. Remember, you’re worth it.

How well do you know yourself? How well do you manage yourself? Both could always use a little enhancement. It’s not always easy to live with yourself, but remember that you have a lot to offer yourself!

Spend some time each day being good to yourself. Have some fun and spend some time on your personal development. Strengthen the most important relationship of all – the one with yourself.

  1. Understand that you are relevant. You matter to the world. Your opinions matter. Your work matters. Your mere presence matters. You’ve already touched numerous lives in a positive way. 
  2. Understand that your greatest mistakes don’t define you. Your mistakes may have influenced your life, but they’ve only changed who you are if you’ve permitted it. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you’ve made. Tomorrow is a new day. 
  3. Forgive someone that has wronged you. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to let them back into your life or give them another chance. It just means that you’re not going to spend any more time or mental energy holding onto your anger. Be good to yourself and let it go. You’ll impress yourself with your inner strength and enjoy the relief that forgiveness brings.
  1. Think about the best compliments you’ve ever received. Bask in them. The most meaningful compliments are those that ring true in the depth of your soul. It’s exciting when someone else recognizes the best that we have to offer the world. 
  2. Take a stand for something you believe in. Be bold in your opinion of what’s right and wrong. Be willing to share your interests and hobbies with others. When you love yourself, you can do what interests you without the need for approval from others. Be proud of what’s most important to you.
  3. Be kind to yourself. The world will be harsh enough on you. Make an effort to be kind to yourself. Remember your good qualities and your strengths.
  4. Be of service to others. We admire those that give of themselves. You can admire yourself by spending some time each week helping to make someone else’s life a little easier or more pleasant. Find a charity or social organization that addresses a cause that’s near and dear to your heart.
  5. Take care of yourself. See the doctor and dentist. Pay for a good haircut. Avoid dressing like a slob. Avoid being obsessed with your appearance, but give it the attention it deserves. Make an effort to look your best because you’re worth the time and effort.
  6. Do something nice for yourself. Take the trip you’ve been putting off. Buy yourself a book. Take a class on a topic that interests you. Buy those expensive sheets for the bed. Don’t do it as a reward. Do it just because you’re wonderful.
  7. Remember your greatest successes. Remember how amazing you are. You’ve done lots of great things. Remind yourself of them.

 

 

Get Unstuck After Narcissistic Abuse: Your Personal Passion Plan

Get Unstuck After Narcissistic Abuse: Your Personal Passion Plan

As a certified life coach who specializes in helping victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse in relationships, one of the most common questions I hear is “How do I find myself again after I get out of a relationship with a narcissist?”

That one is followed by a close second from those who are still stuck in the relationships – they want to now how to get “unstuck” from the dissociation, lethargy and general overwhelm that goes along with dealing with a narcissist on the regular.

These kinds of questions are exactly what led me to develop my brand-new 54-page report, entitled Your Personal Passion Plan: Finding Yourself Again After Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships.

Your Personal Passion Plan Life Reset Button

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching: Press the Reset Button on Your Life

What’s inside the report:

  • This is where you find the light at the end of the tunnel.
  • A Bliss Mission to Launch Your Personal Passion Plan
  • Bliss Mission: Discover What Inspires You
  • Start here: Be Brave
  • You Can Be The Total Package: Don’t Settle for Less
  • How to Intentionally Choose Your Thoughts
  • Getting Started
  • Saying Goodbye to Bad Habits
  • Learning How to Deal With Stress, Depression and Anxiety
  • Relationships Are Key for Setting Yourself Up for Success
  • Achieving Financial Success
  • Taking Care of Your Body and Mind
  • Enhancing Your Physical Appearance and Health
  • Putting Your Personal Passion Plan to Work for You
  • How to Dress for Success
  • The Psychology Behind Dressing for Success
  • Why and How Your Appearance Impacts Your Life
  • Dressing for Success on a Budget
  • What if you’re broke? 12 Ways to Look Expensive on the Cheap
  • 199 Quotes to Motivate and Inspire You to Create Personal Change

Best news? I’m giving away all of this info for free – just because I want to help people, especially when they feel most alone in the world.

So head over to this page and download your free Personal Passion Plan, right here. And feel free to pass this info along to anyone you know who can use it. 

http://tinyurl.com/passionplan

Related: Get your free PERK (Post-Gaslighting Emergency Recovery Kit) Right Here

53 Big Fat Lies Narcissists Tell When Love Bombing

53 Big Fat Lies Narcissists Tell When Love Bombing

Narcissists have a way of really reeling in their victims, and it usually begins the moment you meet them. They’ll work hard to create an intoxicating bubble around you, presenting only false selves. They will do whatever it takes to win you over – and you’ll fall for it, hook, line, and sinker – even and sometimes especially when you technically should “know better.”

But once you’ve committed to this person, it’s usually too late. You’re already found yourself caught in their web of lies that nearly eliminates any chance of you leaving them. Worse, the lies they tell during the “honeymoon” phase can be very strategic – or the narcissist could just be infatuated with you. Either way, they appear as if they care deeply about your welfare. In reality, this is what love bombing is all about.

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is an intense, overwhelming whirlwind experience of being romantically pursued by another that includes overtures of grandiose, idealized love and devotion. These displays may consist of poetry, flowers, cards, and gifts—even marriage proposals or fraudulent offers of “forever” love. Love bombing is also called idealization. It usually happens during the initial stages of a relationship with a narcissist, when they attribute exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. It’s the first part of a larger cycle of abuse.

What is the cycle of narcissistic abuse?

The cycle of narcissistic abuse is a pattern used by a narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathic, or sociopathic person to entrap their victims into giving them narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, the more they are given, the more narcissistic supply they feel they need. And the more intensely they are loved (or hate), the more shame is exposed, triggering greater and greater fears of destruction that ultimately result in narcissistic rage. For the most part, victims will experience four main phases, including the idealization phase, also known as love bombing, followed by the devaluation and discard phases. Thus, this cycle of abuse is a pervasive pattern of alternating idealization and devaluation.

How can I tell if I’m being love-bombed?

Why is it so hard to tell the difference between a love bomber and someone interested in you on a healthy level? The fact is that on the outside, a love bomber and a healthy person who has fallen in love might appear to be pretty similar. But some subtle differences are often overlooked when we are under the spell of new love.

What kinds of things do narcissists say during love bombing?

I asked my SPAN online support group this question: What are some things your narcissist said to you during the “love bombing” phase of your relationship? As we discussed the topic, several group members felt shocked about the similarities between their stories. It was in black and white: the plain pattern that seems to flow throughout nearly every toxic relationship with a narcissist – at least in some iteration.

Below are their answers – as you look through this list, I want you to think back to the beginning of your relationship – do you see a pattern, too?.

53 Lies Narcissists Tell When Love Bombing

Narcissists in love-bombing mode seem to tell some pretty common lies meant to throw us off the scent of what’s happening in the relationship. By learning to spot these red flags, you can better protect yourself from falling victim to their manipulations and behaviors. **Trigger warning: These are actual statements from toxic narcissists shared with me by real survivors of narcissistic abuse.**

  1. “You seem like the type of person I would want to marry someday.”
  2. I never wanted children until I met you.
  3. I’m divorced.
  4. It’s all you – all the time. (Because I have no friends.)
  5. My exes are all crazy bitches. (The same narc asked at the end of the relationship: “Is it okay to still visit for sex after our divorce?”)
  6. Your mother/sister/father/brother is messed up! I hid out in the other room while they were here because they gave me a bad vibe.
  7. How dare you put your kids before me?
  8. You don’t love me! Only your children.
  9. The day after, he had been drunk the night before. There was never an apology for his bad behavior, but he would always ask, “do you still love me?” And, of course, I would shower him with the reassurance of how much I loved him.
  10. “I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them.”
  11. You’ve never met anyone like me.
  12. “I love you” (a few days to a few months).
  13. “I will die without you.”
  14. “I will do anything to get you back. Please tell me you love me.”
  15. “Can I take the condom off?  You know I will take care of you.”  (3 days before, he discarded me for his new victim. Probably because I said no and wasn’t going to take him back without him becoming a decent human being.)
  16. “You remind me of my mother.”
  17. “The only way I’ll ever leave you is in a pine box.” (And left three days later, for a month, before coming back.)
  18. You’re all mine now, and I’m not letting you get away!
  19. “God sent you to me.” (a couple of days in)
  20. Oh, I never used to yell this much before my ex-wife… (and other irrational or jealous statements/accusations)
  21. I’ve never loved anyone as much as you before.  I couldn’t live without you now.
  22. How much do you love me? (I was asked this almost daily ).
  23. Will, you always love me  (again almost daily when he wasn’t giving silent treatment ).
  24. Why do you love me?
  25. You love me more than I do you!
  26. I think you’re a good investment!
  27. I wish I met you 30 years ago. We’d have been so successful.
  28. So, when’s the wedding? (2 weeks in)
  29. I just suddenly fell in love with you  (the day after seeing my new house ).
  30. You’re perfect for me.
  31. No one will ever love you as much as me.
  32. I don’t need anyone but you.
  33. You’ve made me happy.
  34. My wife was cold and hated sex.
  35. My wife didn’t talk to me.
  36. My wife has issues.
  37. “I did everything to save my marriage”  (I didn’t know about his 2-year affair, which he was still in when he forced himself into my home, saying he’d left his wife for me, and I couldn’t refuse him and make him homeless. So we weren’t even going out together. He was just a friend through work!)
  38. “I know how wonderful it can be when two people truly love each other share the same goals.”
  39. The narcissist made various graphic statements regarding my anatomy.
  40. It could have been anyone, but no, it was me and no one else who was the perfect one for him.
  41. He knew I was his soulmate.
  42. He knew from the first time he saw me that I was the one for him.
  43. He never had as intimate a relationship with anyone before me.
  44. Sex has never been this good with others
  45. “I’ve never been love like this”
  46. “You’re my dream girl!”
  47. “I don’t know what hit me.”
  48. That was the first time I called a woman on my phone. It has been so long.” (7 months to be exact, but with hookers in between that and meeting me.)
  49. “When I went out with my friends, I would not talk to any other women… Until I met you. You’re amazing.”
  50. “I don’t do violence.”
  51. “We are like soul mates, aren’t we “
  52. “Where would I be without you?”
  53. “I’ve never been with a girl as pretty as you.”

Okay, now it’s your turn. How many of these phrases sound familiar to you? What would you add to our list? 

Need more help? You might like to read Your Love is My Drug: How to Shut Down a Narcissist, Detoxify Your Relationships & Live the Awesome Life You Really Deserve, Starting Right Now.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Additional Resources for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

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