So often, I hear from viewers, readers, and my coaching clients that they’re being bullied online by a narcissist – usually, one they’ve been personally involved with.
In those cases, narcissists will do everything from attempting to use social media to publicly and personally humiliate their victims to generally spreading rumors and lies about them – and then some.
For example, when a victim goes no-contact with a toxic narcissist, he or she may first put on a really good “poor me” show for his/her connections. They may ask for advice – “how do I deal with this crazy person” – or they may flat-out make false claims about their target to the world.
So why is this such an effective way to continue to abuse their victims?
In addition to the fact that it often connects to literally everyone you know, social media bullying can be the ultimate platform for life-destroying passive-aggressive behavior – and we all know that’s a narcissist’s comfort zone.
We have so much technology now that’s supposed to streamline our lives and make it easier to connect with the people that we care about.
It’s supposed to make it easier to do business and make good things happen for our careers. But strangely, the technology that was supposed to be the key to our happiness, comfort and success has the potential to backfire.
Instead of helping, especially in toxic situations, the use of technology has led many people to deeper levels of stress, feelings of discontentment and lives so busy that they’re hardly living at all.
Often, a narcissist will lash out at a victim through social media – and this may happen either during the relationship or after its over.
They (or their flying monkeys – aka enablers) will spread gossip, harrass you, blow up your PMs or even post publicly on your page – or theirs – to let everyone know how “terrible” you are.
This, like every kind of narcissistic abuse, serves a couple of purposes.
First, people who aren’t clued into the situation will offer the narc sympathy and say nasty things to or about his/her target. This gives the narc some good “supply,” and also helps him/her to accomplish their goal of making you look crazy (hello gaslighting!).
Essentiallly, a toxic narcissist will use social media to target his or her various sources of supply (and/or anyone who makes him/her feel bad about themselves). This might include ex-spouses, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, current partner, new wife or girlfriend of an ex, colleagues, friends and even people the narcissist never met. I’ve personally had this one happen quite often, doing what I do, as I’m sure you can imagine.
In addition to basically anyone who makes a narc feel bad about him/herself and her behavior, the narcissist may target anyone who gets in their way and/or anyone they fear will expose their true nature.
Many narcissists (not to mention histrionics, borderlines and other self-obsessed, abusive personality types) use Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and other platforms to run smear campaigns, make false allegations abput their targets – and more.
Others will go so as far as to use social media to perpetrate parent/child alienation (especially with divorced and/or step-parent situations) and to stalk and harass their targets while simultaneously portraying themselves as the much-maligned victim, superman/woman and/or mother/father of the year.
Since a lot of narcissists are especially gifted when it comes to finding your sensitive issues – the little “sore spots” we all have – they intuitively use social media to lash out at or attack their victims.
They’ll hurt people without a second thought, and they’ll do it while making themselves look like the injured party – it’s narcissistic injury on crack.
Of course, they use this platform to push people around and down – and raise themselves up. They need to have power over other people, and they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want.
Listen, these aren’t new behaviors for narcissists in general – it just allows them to reach a bigger audience. It’s the whole smear campaign thing times a million.
You start by not getting involved. If you see it happen, immediately block the narcissist so they don’t have access to your profile and can’t tag you in their drama.
Even though it’s complete bullshit, you have to stand firm by not getting involved. If you DO fire back publicly through social media, the narcissist will only use it to cement his/her case – “see, I told you she/he was crazy!”
Even if you’re just an online bystander to someone else’s drama, if you experience that, your mind will register the same type of anxious response as if you had been involved and your feelings will follow the lead of your thoughts.
When you see how wonderful someone else’s life appears to be online, it can lead you to become discontent and irritable. It can make you focus on the negative instead of looking at the positive.
Online interaction can also make you feed yourself negative self talk – especially when you see others who are better looking, richer, have nicer homes, easier looking lives and appear to be having more fun.
Not only will you feel bad about yourself, but your stress level will go up. When you practice mindfulness in associating with your technology use, you’ll discover that your happiness level will increase.
You can do this by setting limits on when you’ll be online and how much time you’ll spend online. Refuse to keep your cellphone with you 24/7. When you are on social media or online, find ways to use it to do something positive such as encourage someone else.
Let go of the things online that are irrelevant to your life or that make your negativity or stress level rise. When you do go online, make sure that you have a defined purpose and a time limit and stick to that.
So, if you’re there right now, or if you’ve been there before, tell me about your experiences. How did you deal? What tips would you offer another survivor in the same situation?
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So, this post is a bit off-topic for QueenBeeing, but I felt like it was appropriate because it’s all about one way to follow your passion.
See, I’m a professional blogger as well as a life coach, author and journalist, and I’ve been making my living through my blogs in various ways for a decade now. So I’ve learned a few things, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
But I’ve also figured out what works and how to make it happen. I blog about all of this over at OnlineWritingPro.com, by the way.
The reason I’m blogging about – well, blogging – at QueenBeeing today is because it allows me to personally follow my passion – and because I could teach almost anyone to create a blog that allows them to follow theirs (and get paid to do so!).
Part of my whole personal and professional philosophy is all about paying it forward, so I’ve done something sort of special – I created a bunch of good stuff and I’m giving it away over at OnlineWritingPro.com.
Anyhoo, I thought I’d share the freebies over here in case you hadn’t found OWP yet. (And while you’re looking – you might want to check out this stuff from Carol Tice – an amazing blogger I know who makes six figures from her blogs.) Oh – and if you want a place to find paid online writing jobs – check out the OWP writing jobs board – it’s free and no registration is required.
But first – check out these freebies for bloggers at OWP – and there are even more actually on the site if you have a minute to look around.
Would you believe me if I told you that more than half of my blog traffic comes from my social media marketing efforts?
Would it shock you if I told you that my primary blog is now nearing 100 thousand visitors each month, and that it’s helping me to grow my online writing income significantly?
It’s true. Get my social media secrets (and a special surprise bonus gift) right here.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard of Instagram by now. But whether you’re an Instagrammer may depend on a few different factors. Find out in my free report.
If that stuff interests you, then you might also want to check out my latest book.
It’s entitled The Blog-Fire Power Blogging Method: Secrets Pro Bloggers Know, From Picking a Platform to Getting Paid and it’s literally a manual that will help you to build, manage and grow a blog that will help you to both follow your passion AND feed your family.
The paperback version will also be available soon at Amazon.com – stay tuned, and sign up for the OWP email subscription to be updated (it’s free too!).
I don’t know about you, but personally, I prefer to wear a little makeup when I’m out in the world, and while I tend to minimize it in the summertime, I still want to offer Mother Nature a hand sometimes. (more…)
What Frozen Taught Me about Love, Sisterhood, and Snowmen
The whole world has gone a little ice crazy over Frozen, another hit movie from Disney. It’s full of princesses, trolls, and appreciation for the bond between sisters.
Anna and Elsa are the sisters driven apart by Elsa’s magical powers. She’s like Midas, except she turns things to ice rather than gold. In fact, she plunged the whole kingdom of Arendelle into eternal winter. When Anna comes to Elsa’s rescue, it proves the power of love. Consider these lessons from Anna, Elsa, and their friends.
Lessons on Love and Sisterhood from Frozen
1. Face your feelings. Anna and Elsa’s parents meant well, but they started trouble when they urged Elsa to hide her powers and stop feeling. The first step in managing your emotions is to examine them.
2. Talk about conflicts. Anna felt hurt when her parents removed Elsa from her life with no explanation. Relationships thrive on direct communication.
3. Let go of fears. When Elsa accepts herself, she starts to feel free even while she’s still deep in permafrost. Tackling challenges head on helps us to conquer anxiety. Our actions teach us that we’re strong enough to survive and flourish.
4. Reveal your secrets. Keeping secrets uses up a lot of energy, and makes you feel uneasy. Practice disclosing information as appropriate to create more intimacy and peace of mind.
5. Surround yourself with family and friends. After years of isolation, Anna winds up being a little too excited about Elsa’s coronation. Build time in your schedule for connecting with your loved ones on a regular basis.
6. Pace your relationships. Loneliness also caused Anna to become engaged on the same day she met a flashy prince. Taking a gradual approach will make your romances more stable.
7. Consult a love expert. Arendelle is blessed with a giant supply of wise and helpful trolls. Think about whom you can turn to when you need encouragement and advice. Role models help us spot the skills we want to work on.
8. Appreciate fixer-uppers. As the trolls point out, we are all fixer-uppers. Give yourself and others the chance to change and grow.
9. Rely on acts of true love. When we put the needs of others first, we can overcome any setback. Maybe you’ll need to battle an evil prince trying to usurp the throne, or just stay up an hour late to comfort a friend going through a recent breakup.
10. Look on the bright side. Turn adversity around. In the end, Elsa learns to use her powers for good. Rather than freezing people, she creates ice sculptures and skating rinks.
Lessons from Olaf the Snowman
1. Hug your friends. Judging from most reviews, Olaf the Snowman is the character that people love most. He wants everyone to know that he’s a big fan of warm hugs and funny songs. A cheerful attitude will draw people to you too.
2. Express gratitude for any gift. Olaf is delighted when Anna makes him a small nose. He’s equally happy when his nose is made longer. He doesn’t even mind when Sven the reindeer wants to take a bite. If you look for something to like in any situation, you’ll find a way to be content.
3. Take risks. Olaf raves about summer, even though he’s unsure what it means. While everyone else thinks that he would melt, Olaf manages to enjoy the sun because he dares to go after what he wants.
Develop the courage of Anna and the optimism of Olaf. Instead of giving someone the cold shoulder, warm up your heart and relationships with true love.
“Everybody has goals, aspirations or whatever, and everybody has been at a point in their life where nobody believed in them.” ~Eminem
Time flies when you’re having fun. Can you believe there are exactly 100 days left in 2014? I know. It seems like we just closed the door on 2013! So let’s talk about our goals, shall we?
Goals are just dreams with deadlines, if you ask me. And what better way to get what you want than to set one for your most passionately desired goal?
My initial 100-days thought, of course, was some to launch some kind of 100-Day challenge here on the site. But then I realized that I don’t have time to organize that before the end of the day…sooo, I figured I’d go a little smaller.
I thought I’d like to find and focus on a particular item that I need to change or better myself about. But I think in my case, I’m going to focus on being happy, being present in the RIGHT NOW for the next 100 days. That shouldn’t be too hard, but then again, I like to be an optimist.
See, over the past few years, my life has changed significantly. In addition to losing a bunch of weight and clearing my life of some really negative elements, I went from being a freelancer to a business owner. My husband and I bought our new home. And I figured out that what I think and feel about my own life is far more important than what anyone else thinks or feels about it.
As we begin the journey toward 2015, I’m ready to create new positive changes in my life. I have a few personal goals that I’d like to achieve before the New Year begins, including some health-related ones and some career-related ones.
That’s why I am starting my own 100-day challenge. Research tells me that a 100-day challenge can be really ideal for changing habits, creating new ones and it’s pretty obvious that committing to and sticking to anything for 100 days can create some pretty serious change in your life.
Being the nerdy-research-geeky type that I am, I did what I do and found a couple of pretty cool entire websites dedicated to this 100-day-practice thing. Here are three that I found interesting.
100HappyDays.com
There’s 100HappyDays.com, which is free and asks its members to sign up, post 100 pics over the course of 100 days via Facebook, Twitter or Instagram of what makes them happy. They’re asked to use the hashtag #100HappyDays and/or to come up with their own hashtag (for privacy’s sake). Or, if they want to keep it really private, they can email the pics.
According to the site’s creators, people who have successfully completed these 100 day challenges have claimed many benefits, such as being in a better mood on a regular basis, recieving more compliments from other people andd realizing how lucky their lives make them feel. Others have reportedly fallen in love during the challenge.
Another benefit of these photos, the site reminds us, is that we’ll have a nice collection of photos to remind you of what makes you happy (and you know, to commemorate your journey). And, if you offer a small investment toward the movement, you can receive a 100-page book from 100happydays.com when you finish a challenge successfully.
I haven’t done any research on the site’s creators and their legitimacy, but I love the concept.
GiveIt100.com
The concept for GiveIt100.com hit co-founder Karen like a bolt of lightning after a time-video of her learning to dance in 100 days struck YouTube gold.
The video, which can be seen here, is pretty inspiring. So much can be accomplished in 100 days – it’s a great visual.
“It’s about having a dream and not knowing how to get there – but starting anyway,” Karen writes on the site’s About page. “When you watch someone perform or score the winning point – you’re only seeing a brief moment of glory. What you don’t see is thousands of hours of preparation. You don’t see the self doubt, lost sleep, the lonely nights working. You don’t see the moment they started. The moment they were just like you, wondering how they could ever be good.”
She says that GiveIt100 offers participants an opportunity to see that moment.
“We made Giveit100 for you to capture the moment you start out, and every moment after that,” she writes. “One day you may look back and cringe. But that will be the same moment you realize: Woah. I’ve come a long way.”
You know what I say? I love it and I love everything about it! I know, you’re surprised.
One more thing: GiveIt100.com’s FAQ page is super helpful for anyone who is interested in this concept. It even offers tips on what you should do for 100 days, whether or not you need to do it daily (and what happens if you don’t) and much more. Definitely worth a look.
100DayChallenge.com
And then there’s Gary Ryan Blair, the owner of 100DayChallenge.com, who says that you can get “10 years worth of results in just 100 days.” For $147, Blair will walk you through an intensive 100-Day-Challenge, and he even offers a 30-day money back guarantee.
“The success of other 100 Day Challenge participants is proof that this program will get you extreme results in just 100 days. Plus, we’re so sure you’ll love this program, we’re giving you our 30-day money-back guarantee,” his website says.
And from Blair himself: “I will help you clarify your goals, build a massive action plan, enforce accountability and implement discipline in all the right places. And you’ll love every minute of it.”
For your money, Blair says you’ll learn how to “rapidly and significantly” increase your performance, change your life on a grand and revolutionary scale and to “live an epic life and rip the lid off of any past performance.”
Interesting. But would I pay $147 for it? Honestly, I’m not going to, because I’m a cheapskate and I’m not sure it would benefit me personally more than a free option. That’s just how I roll – but I’m sharing it in case anyone who needs this kind of support is interested.
“I created the 100 Day Challenge to share with you the same methods I have used to shatter sales goals, quickly grow a number of multimillion dollar businesses, and coach people to extraordinary performances,” Blair writes. “My style is to mix a blend of encouragement, strict discipline, hyper accountability, and a strong sense of urgency to keep you performing at the very top of your abilities.”
Bottom Line
I know that habits are typically formed in anywhere from two weeks to 90 days, depending who you ask. I think a 100-day challenge is a totally feasible option for anyone looking to begin to create and promote positive change in her life.
What do you think? Would you be interested in participating in one of these?
