How to Safely Leave the Narcissist: A Checklist of Things to Do

How to Safely Leave the Narcissist: A Checklist of Things to Do

If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist, you might feel very alone. Narcissists often use charm and flattery to manipulate others into doing things for them.

Leaving a narcissist at any point in the relationship can be difficult, especially when you’ve spent a long time under their control.

Although it’s certainly not easy to break free from someone who has had a hand in controlling every aspect of your life, there are ways to minimize your damage and stress.

How to End an Abusive Relationship With Someone Who Is Narcissistic 

Is there a way to create a safety plan when you are going to leave the narcissist? How can you get out of a controlling relationship safely and successfully?

Here’s everything you need to know to start planning your escape from the narcissist in your life. 

Are you planning to leave an abusive narcissist? 

Your narcissistic partner is abusing you, and you are finally ready to leave. But, unfortunately, it took you way too long to this point, and the idea of leaving the narcissist is quite scary.

Not only do you have no idea what consequences you will face when the narcissist realizes you are trying to escape, but the idea of going it alone in the future could have you feeling stuck and alone.

These are just a couple of the reasons that it’s so very essential to create a safety plan, and you have to make some considerations.

Your Guide to Leaving a Narcissist

When you are finally ready to leave the narcissist, there are several things you need to put in place before pulling the proverbial trigger. If you have kids, it’s even more complicated.

How can you tell you’re dealing with a narcissist?

If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist, here’s how to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic abuser.

First, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you feel like you’re being used?
  • Are you constantly feeling bad about yourself?
  • Does he/she make you feel inadequate?
  • Is he/she jealous of you?
  • Does he/she put you down?
  • Does he/she blame you when things go wrong?
  • Does he/she demand total loyalty?
  • Does he/she expect you to do anything without question?
  • Does he/she treat you as though you’re inferior? Does he/she act entitled?
  • Does he/she show off his/her possessions?
  • Does he/she lie?
  • Does he/she take credit for everything you do?
  • Does he/she refuse to accept responsibility for his/her actions?
  • Does he/she need constant reassurance?
  • Does he/she have an inflated sense of self-importance?
  • Does he/she exploit others?
  • Does he/she lack empathy?
  • Does he/she crave admiration?
  • Does he/she believe he/she’s superior?

If you said yes to more than a few of those questions, you could safely assume you’re dealing with a toxic person – and possibly a narcissist. You can also take this test to determine if you appear to be in a relationship with a narcissist

10 Red Flags to Identify a Narcissist

If you think you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, there are some warning signs you should watch out for. For example:

1) They talk down to you.
2) They make you feel bad about yourself.
3) They put you down.
4) They lie to you.
5) They use you.
6) They control you.
7) They manipulate you.
8) They try to isolate you.
9) They blame others for their own mistakes.
10) They expect you to fix them.

Why do people become narcissists? 

There are several reasons why people become narcissistic.

How do you know you have to leave?

What if they’re not really a narcissist? What if you’ve just been worrying and overthinking too much?

What if they suddenly become a human in their next relationship, using all the good stuff you taught them for someone who won’t even appreciate it? 

Leaving a narcissist can be difficult, especially when you’re used to being controlled and abused.

However, if you decide to end things, here are some tips to help you get it right. 

What’s the PLAN?

If you haven’t already, you might like to download my free PLAN (Planning to Leave a Narcissist) Toolkit to help you plan your escape.

PLAN is a free, comprehensive toolkit designed specifically to help you safely leave a narcissistic abuse situation in an emotionally, physically, and/or psychologically abusive relationship, with or without kids involved.

Leaving a Narcissist is Harder Than People Think

In many cases, leaving the narcissist will be a tough decision for you. Even though you’ve heard people tell you to “just leave if it’s so bad,” you’re still scared to leave.

Maybe it isn’t THAT bad, you’ll reason. I am probably just overdramatizing it, you’ll tell yourself.

But change is hard, even when it’s for the best.

And, assuming you’ve been codependent in the relationship and are struggling with trauma bonding (as most survivors of narcissistic abuse will), leaving the narcissist will be even more difficult.

Plus, whether or not the narcissist can return your feelings, chances are you do or did love them with all of your heart. And that doesn’t make it easier.

In fact, leaving a relationship is not easy under any circumstances, and doing so can lead to a lot of pain, confusion, and suffering. But when a narcissistic person is involved, things are far more complicated.

You might be planning how to leave the narcissist already, so this article, along with your PLAN, will ensure that your plan is as effective as it can get.

However, whether you decided that enough is enough or they have decided to leave you, it can be highly stressful and chaotic.

What do you need to consider when creating a safety plan to leave the narcissist? 

Get your checklist here.

Planning to Leave a Narcissist? Quick, Practical Advice and Checklist for How to End a Toxic Relationship with a Narcissist.

Get support where you can

When creating a safety plan to leave a narcissist, be aware that you may need outside help.

  • Especially if you are enduring another episode of abuse and want to leave, it can help to talk to a trusted neighbor or friend and tell them what you’re dealing with in detail.
  • Then, fill them in on your plan to leave.

Create a code word or a signal together that you can use to get help.

  • For example, if you’re dealing with an episode of narcissistic abuse and you need the police, you could text your code word to the neighbor or put something in the window that faces their home.

Or, if you’re planning to leave, you could have your go-bag at a friend’s house so you can get in the car and go when you have the opportunity.

Keep your car full of gas.

When you make your escape plan, you want to ensure that your car is fully fueled at all times so that you can go when the opportunity presents itself.

  • You also want to keep your vehicle parked forward in the driveway or on the street and avoid keeping it in the garage.
  • This way, the narcissist cannot block your way when you make your escape.

Keep an extra set of keys on you. 

Make a copy of your car and house keys to keep them in your pocket whenever possible. 

Remember that the narcissist could quickly grab your car keys and keep them hidden from you, and they will absolutely do so if they think it’ll keep you around.

Plan for income

When you plan to leave the narcissist, you’ll need to figure out how to survive, so try learning some skills by taking an online class.

  • There are tons of ways you can make money online – whether you do so independently or you get a work-at-home job.
  • You can also apply to work part-time at a coffee shop or supermarket to start saving some extra cash.
  • Finally, you will want to look into financial aid and other options to help until you get back on your feet.

Plan for a place to land

  • Tell your friends and trusted family members what you are enduring and your plan to leave the narcissist.
  • Perhaps someone can give you and your kids, if you have any, a place to stay temporarily when you escape. Of course, you will want to look into shelters as well.
  • If you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
  • Depending on your particular situation, you might benefit from Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, or perhaps you’d prefer a therapist.

But, first, you have to decide what to do from here – if you’re unsure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation.

Takeaway

The most important thing to remember is that no one deserves to be abused or mistreated.

No matter what they’ve done, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty because you’re leaving.

It’s not going to be easy.

Narcissists have a way of wreaking havoc on their significant others, so it can take a long time before you’re truly healthy and happy again.

But that’s the best part about getting out: once you do, your life will be better than it has ever been!

It might not show right away, but give yourself time—and focus on maintaining your well-being above all else (i.e., don’t try to go from zero to sixty and expect that things will be perfect).

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

If you haven’t already picked it up, head over and download your free PLANning Tool Kit (Planning to Leave a Narcissist). Then, when you’re safe and ready to move forward, remember that online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

Why do narcissists refuse to give you closure in a relationship?

Are you desperate for closure after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist?  Rarely is the need for relief from the discard allowed by the narcissist – and being able to speak your mind and discuss the issues you lived with if you have gone no contact is practically a foreign concept.

Lack of Closure After a Toxic Relationship Leaves You Reeling

Feeling the need for closure in order to move on and heal can perhaps be one of the more frustrating things survivors of narcissistic abuse go through after a discard. I know that for me personally, it left me feeling like it was impossible to stop thinking about the narcissist and I even struggled to forgive myself for having been with them in the first place. Can you relate?

What can you expect from the narcissist at the end of a relationship?

With a narcissist, if you get closure then you are one of the rare few. The narcissistic person will not allow you to get the closure you need. Instead of closure you get the silent treatment, smear campaigns, gaslighting, blame-shifting, the narcissist playing victim, hoovering, and repeated abuse. In other words, anything but closure.

They might even call you the abuser. Of all the people I have spoken to about the abuse they have suffered, not one has said they have had closure directly from the narcissist.

Can you create your own closure so you can move forward with your healing after narcissist abuse?

Absolutely you can! This video talks about why a narcissist won’t give you closure as well as ideas for how to move forward with your own life to create the closure you seek.

Get Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Now

Additional Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery:  10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: 10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson10 steps to taking back your life

So, you found yourself involved with a toxic narcissist, and before you knew it, you were fully enmeshed and dealing with the full spectrum of mental and emotional abuse that is so common of a narc.

By now, you’ve realized that chances for the narcissist to change and become a less damaged version of him/her self is unlikely – maybe even impossible.

Whether you’re still working on a way to get out or you’ve already left, you’ve got a long road ahead of you when it comes to recovery. One of the biggest hurdles is sort of “reprogramming your brain” in order to let go of the poisonous thoughts and beliefs that the narc’s emotional and mental  torture have almost certainly left behind.

It’s time to empower yourself!

When you were actively engaging with the narcissist, you probably eventually stopped trying to make choices of your own. That’s because by doing so, you may have found yourself the victim of added gaslighting and other kinds of covert abuse – maybe even less than covert. 

But now that you’ve left, or are planning to leave, you’ve got to learn to choose your own path – and that can begin by simply deciding what you want and then taking the steps you want to get there – simple as that.

Still, when things don’t go your way, do you know how to deal? Can you cope with the hard times on your own?

Ask yourself this: When life isn’t going your way, do you empower yourself to make improvements?

Most people are great at getting themselves worked up into a state that’s anything but empowering, and when you’ve been abused by a narcissist, the effects of PTSD can become overwhelming. When things get challenging, we need all of our resources if we’re really going to turn things around.

We all have the power to overcome our negative thinking and emotions. And we all have the power to bring about positive change in our lives.

As you go about your recovery process, there are some really simple steps you can take that will help you to regain some control over your life.

1. Be assertive. Because we’ve been abused by these toxic people, many of us have become too passive to ever accomplish anything significant. I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes you have to declare what you want. Sometimes you have to say ‘no’ to others. You don’t have to be selfish, but there’s nothing wrong with making a decision and then making it happen.

2. Make a list of your 10 greatest strengths. Now think of ways that you can leverage them to your advantage. If you’re going to take back control of your life quickly, you’ll probably need your strengths to accomplish it.

3. It’s also worthwhile to think about your 10 greatest weaknesses. These are commonly the things that get us into trouble. What you can do to reduce the impact of your weaknesses?

4. Stop making excuses. Excuses limit you and prevent you from taking charge of the situation. If you can take responsibility, you can change the situation. Excuses give you a justification for being passive. If you believe that something is outside of your control, you also believe that you can’t do anything to change it.

5. Get more sleep. Most people simply don’t sleep enough to be at their best. Studies have shown that most people experience improved mood, clarity of thought, and increased energy if they increase their sleep by one hour per night. Turn off the TV and go to bed an hour earlier.

6. Do the most important things first. Spend the first hour or two each morning on the most important tasks you have for the day. Your focus and energy will be at their greatest.

7. Decide which area of your life would have the greatest impact if improved. Focus on the one area of your life that will make the biggest difference. If you’re already making $1 million a year, making more money probably isn’t going to have a great impact on your life.

8. Forget about expectations. The whole world seems to tell us what we should be doing. What would you do if you were free of all of those expectations? Choose for yourself for a change.

9. Figure out what’s holding you back. Why aren’t you already living your life the way you choose? What’s preventing you? What are you afraid of? What can you do to work around these challenges? Develop a plan to get past this resistance.

10. Make the necessary changes. After all of the above steps, you know what you need to do. It’s time to do what needs to be done. Take action.

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Few things are as fulfilling as having full control over your life – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can mean the difference between being happy and fulfilled and being completely destroyed.

Take back control of your life NOW! You’ll feel like there’s nothing you can’t do. The world is just sitting there, patiently waiting for you to take control of your life. Get started today by taking the first steps. A few steps each day become quite significant very quickly.

Need help with taking back YOUR life? Try my Take Back Your Life Course at Udemy.

 

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