Do you ever feel like you’re just not good enough? If you do, you aren’t alone. When you’re involved in physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, you will begin to lose your self-worth very quickly, if you had any to begin with. And while you try to maintain a good front, and though you might be you’re keeping up the facade of a really healthy relationship to most people in your life – you secretly feel like there’s something not right about you. Or at least something that isn’t quite good enough.
Do you ever ask yourself questions like, “Am I unlovable?” If you’re feeling like you’re unlovable after you’ve been gaslighted, discarded, and devalued by a toxic, abusive narcissist. Or, if you feel that you’re not good enough, please take a minute and watch this video. I made it for you.
It is so confusing for their friends and extended family who can sometimes see that something is wrong in the relationship. They don’t understand why you stay when, as far as they see it, you clearly deserve better. But for some reason, you aren’t on the same page. You aren’t sure you deserve better at all.
For the record, I want you to know that I am absolutely positive that you do not deserve to be abused. I am positive that you deserve to be respected just like every other human on the planet does. The abuser in your life wants you to think otherwise because it keeps you more firmly in their control. It keeps you feeling stuck – and it keeps you from leaving them. Even if friends and family beg you to leave, you stay because at least some part of you truly believes that you really don’t deserve better at all.
And, if you’re being honest, even if you can SAY that you don’t deserve to be treated that way, and even if you recognize it logically, you continue to tolerate it because you genuinely don’t think you’re worth more, or maybe you are worried because you think you’ve done something – or that you ARE something – that somehow justifies the abuser’s behavior. The truth is more likely that you are actually not the problem in your relationship at all. Normal people don’t behave the way that narcissists do with the people they claim to love.
There is No Legitimate Justification (and Absolutely NO Excuse) for Abuse.
I want you to read this next part really, really carefully. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or relationship abuse of any kind. No amount of personal flaws could possibly offer any justification for disrespect, rudeness, yelling, screaming, belittling, projection, gaslighting.
You must accept absolutely no form of abuse for any reason. Because of this, before anything else, you need to start planning your way out of this toxic and abusive relationship. Now if you have kids or other issues that will make leaving more complicated, you might be tempted to wait until the kids are gone or the credit cards are paid off, or whatever it is that’s holding you back.
You Do Not Have to Accept Narcissistic Abuse.
Now listen, my friend. I want you to take a deep breath, and as long as physical abuse isn’t part of the equation, I want you to recognize that you don’t have to be out tomorrow or next week or even next month. It might even take a year or two. It doesn’t feel like an option at all, maybe. But don’t stress yourself out – know this: some action toward getting free can be almost as good as actually getting free.
Knowing you are planning to leave can make you feel more powerful day-to-day, and it can be a good thing to think about during the times you might otherwise dissociate or space out. What I mean is: knowing you have a plan to leave can help you feel less overpowered when you are tolerating narcissistic abuse in order to keep the peace.
Above all, remember that it’s important to be kind and compassionate to yourself now. If you’ve just discovered that you’ve been dealing with narcissistic abuse, you might get angry at yourself for not seeing it sooner. Don’t do that. Give yourself a break – none of us realized we were dealing with this until we realized it!
I don’t want you to feel pressured and rushed. I just want you to recognize that, if you really want to be able to be happy or at least to live a peaceful and even fulfilling life that doesn’t suck, you’re going to have to find a way out of this relationship eventually. And in my experience, that can begin with taking just one small step toward the life you want and deserve. Maybe that just means you start thinking about the possibility of it today.
So, now you know you don’t want a toxic relationship, right? This means that, as you’re moving forward in your narcissistic abuse recovery, you have to start figuring out what you actually do want in your life. This is the key. When you feel like you’re not good enough for the things you want and need in your life, you project that to the universe – and that’s what you get back – more feelings of being (and reasons to feel) “not good enough.”
First, Change your Mind: Realize You’re Already Good Enough.
As like attracts like, when we KNOW that we ARE good enough, that we’re “worth it,” we attract the things and situations we desire. Contrary to the teachings of many societal groups, suffering is not necessary in this life. You don’t have to wait until you’re dead to enjoy your life.
Whatever your reason for feeling that you’re not good enough – your past mistakes, negativity from others in your life – whatever it is – I’m here to tell you that you can change your mind. The power is within you. It’s not up to your mom, your boss, your spouse – it’s up to you. You are the sole individual who has the right to decide who you are, and who has the right to decide whether you’re good enough.
The first step to recognizing that you’re good enough is to identify and release negative self-perceptions. So, in short, stop believing what everyone else says about who you are.
The next part is the fun part.
Next, Decide What (and Who) Comes Next for You.
You get to decide who you want to be. Take the parts of you that you like, and focus on them. Then, think about who you want to be – and become that person.
As you take inspired action to fully express your new self to the world, you must believe that you are already your ideal version of yourself. As Robert Anthony once said, “You can have anything you want if you will give up the belief that you can’t have it.”
Toxic Relationships Make You Think You’re Not Good Enough
Do you feel bad about yourself? Do you feel like you’re not loveable or like you’re just not good enough? Watch How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough – Do This One Thing and Never Doubt Yourself Again: Codependency Recovery on YouTube.
Narcissists Exploit You in the Worst Possible Ways
You have more than one particular quality that narcissists use against you in toxic relationships – and you might be surprised when you learn exactly what it is (and how they use it against you!). Knowledge is power – and learning what the number one mind game narcissists play with you actually is can help you learn to outsmart the narcissist for good! This video will help you to understand the #1 way that narcissists will exploit you.
Be Aware of This Possible Complication in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
If you’ve asked yourself why you’re still obsessed with the narcissist, and what you can do to STOP that, here are the answers you need. You might find that you get a little obsessed with researching and figuring out what you’ve been through when you finally discover that you’ve been dealing with narcissistic abuse. You’ll want to know everything you can about narcissists and narcissism. You’ll be digging into your own psychological issues and trying to figure yourself out too. All of that is normal and healthy. But at some point, you might get stuck and feel almost addicted to checking on the narcissist, what they’re doing, who they’re with, what they’re posting on social media.
That’s normal too, but only for a while. You’re going to want to let go of this a quickly as you can if you want to be able to heal and to move forward.
Here’s what you need to know about healing and letting go after a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Why You’re Obsessed With the Truth About the Narcissist (And How to LET GO and Move Forward)
These days, there are all kinds of ways to get things done, and many people find that a to-do list is just what they need to stay on task. But not every mind works the same way and not every t0-do list will work for everyone.
If you want to hack your to-do list and make it custom-fit for you and your life, you have to consider a few different things. Do you want to use a traditional notepad, or would you rather go electronic? How seriously techie are you? How can you create the ideal tool for yourself?
Coach Tip: Google Sheets offers several templates that will help you get things done – check them out here. Other apps I love for getting things done are Google Calendar, Evernote, IdeaGrowr and Trello. And for my editorial calendar and daily schedule, I use a manually-written teacher’s planner that I’ve modified to fit my needs. 🙂
How do you get things done? What kind of to-do list do you think could work best for you?
Okay, so we know that to do lists help you track your activities and manage your time. Then again, what happens when your lists grow out of control because they’re too long or there are too many of them?
Maybe the solution is using a different kind of list. Take a look at your options for designing an effective to do list, along with suggestions for using any productivity tool more effectively.
TO-DO LIST HACKS: How to Build a To-Do List That Works for You
1. Limit the length. Many experts recommend keeping your list as short as 3 to 5 items. Promptly cross off any tasks you complete. Move projects you’re unlikely to get to off to a separate wish list.
2. Consider categories. If you prefer longer lists, categories are one way to stay organized. Separate business and personal items. Group similar activities like shopping, reading, or making phone calls.
3. Juggle timelines. Maybe your projects are interrelated with structured stages and strict deadlines. Calendar functions and color-coding could help you strategize.
4. Add detail. When you need more than a simple list, create a full log. Build in supplementary information like daily summaries, phone numbers, and websites you visit frequently.
5. Block out your time. Do you tend to waste small blocks of time? Planning your day in 30-minute increments could help you spot when you’ll have 10 minutes free for filing or checking messages.
6. Choose paper or digital. You may already know that GTD stands for Get Things Done, and there are a growing number of GTD apps to choose from. On the other hand, paper journals are still popular too. What matters is using them consistently.
TO DO LIST HACKS: How to Use Any To Do List Effectively
1. Set priorities. A successful list lets you see your major responsibilities at a glance and approach them systematically. Arrange your list so your top concerns stand out.
2. Distinguish between urgency and importance. Prioritizing raises some tricky questions. Picking up your dry cleaning before the shop closes in 10 minutes is urgent. Spending time with your friends is less time sensitive, but contributes more to your wellbeing. Pay attention to essentials that may otherwise be bumped.
3. Automate routine tasks. Eliminate chores that robots and computers can do for you. Electronic banking frees up your time and gives you peace of mind knowing that your bills have been paid on time.
4. Build in leeway. Studies show that most adults underestimate the time it takes to complete many everyday tasks. Give yourself an extra 10 minutes between appointments. Assume that a new dinner recipe may take you 20 minutes to pull together even if the cookbook claims you can do it in 10.
5. Take a break. Put adequate rest and play on your list each day. It’s time well spent when it keeps you in top shape and prevents burnout.
6. Expect surprises. However comprehensive your list is, you’re sometimes going to run into circumstances that you couldn’t predict. Be prepared to shuffle your other obligations to the next week if your car breaks down or you win a trip to a tropical resort.
7. Evaluate your progress. Hold onto your lists so you can review them periodically. Repeat the practices that simplify your life and fix the patterns that are causing you delays.
Keep your personal and professional life in order. Whether you prefer writing in a notebook with colored markers or downloading the latest productivity app to multiple devices, there’s a to do list that will help you to stay on top of your game.
Okay, now it’s your turn! What are your best to-do list hacks? Share them in the comments.
“I think it’s important to get your surroundings as well as yourself into a positive state – meaning surround yourself with positive people, not the kind who are negative and jealous of everything you do.” ~Heidi Klum
Did you know your home can have a serious impact on your frame of mind, and in fact, on your mental and physical health in general? It’s true.
For example, dark and ugly rooms can make you feel sad and discouraged. Bright, cheery rooms rejuvenate you. Clutter makes you feel crazy and scattered.
Do you feel good about your environment?
Whether it’s at home or work, it matters – a lot more than you know! Not to worry if you don’t love it – there are plenty of ways to brighten your home and lighten your mood – and I’ve rounded up ten of the most effective for you.
But first, let’s discuss the psychology behind it, shall we? Because, of course, it all starts in your head.
The Psychological Effects of a Messy House
Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, says that “When we clear the physical clutter from our lives, we literally make way for inspiration and ‘good, orderly direction’ to enter.”
It’s more than just that, though – the way you keep and decorate your home can definitely affect you to the very core.
“The environment with which we surround ourselves is very often a direct expression of where we are emotionally and psycho-spiritually – our global state of mind,” said life coach and personal development expert Michael Formica in a 2008 Psychology Today report. “If we are distracted, we tend to lose things. If we are disorganized, the piles begin to collect. If we are feeling disconnected, the emails pile up, and the voicemails remain unreturned.”
10 Home Hacks to Boost Your Mood Instantly
1. Lighten up! Add more light. Light is one of the easiest ways to boost your mood. Increase the amount of light in a room by opening blinds and curtains. White blinds and curtains reflect the light.
2. Brighten up! Choose bright and cheerful paint colors. You may be creating drama with dark brown or black paint, but it won’t help your mood.
Dark colors aren’t the only issue because neutrals can also be dreary.
Brighter colors like yellow, pink, blue, and green can freshen up a room and give it an instant lift.
Your mood will also benefit from the change.
3. Happy art, happy you! Add happy artwork. Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” isn’t the type of artwork that lifts moods. Select art that makes you feel happy. Images of beautiful landscapes, animals, and abstract designs are popular choices. You can also frame your children’s artwork as a reminder of the joy they bring into your life.
4. Add flowers to brighten any room! Fresh flowers are preferred and will also add a nice fragrance to a room. However, they’re not the only option. Silk flowers come in a variety of realistic choices and can instantly brighten a room.
5. Be a switcher-upper! Rearrange or replace decorations. Does the vase from your aunt make you want to cry? Do you wish your decorations could get an upgrade?
Switch it up! Changing the decorations in your home can help you lift your mood. Replace old and hated objects or rearrange other items. Even a simple pillow swap for new pillows can make you feel better.
6. Get rid of clutter! Clutter can weigh you down emotionally and negatively influence your mood, even if you think you don’t notice it. If you clean your house and eliminate clutter, you’ll notice a big emotional change. Consider new storage ideas, such as bins under your bed, to prevent clutter from reappearing.
De-Cluttering Tips from Dr. Regina Lark, chairs the Education Committee of the National Association of Professional Organizer, and WiseBread.com.
Make it all about YOU! “You can make your space what you want to be,” Lark says. “But decluttering your space can’t be successful if you don’t have clarity of what your space will look like when you are done.”
Visualize it – on a board! “Create a vision board of your perfect space by either by cutting photos out of magazines or on Pinterest,” Lark says. “My vision has great art. My vision does not have two crock pots.”
Don’t go it alone! “Once you’ve created your vision for your space, enlist some help in the decision making process and to declutter. If this were pleasurable, you would do it in one second. Ask a friend whose taste you admire, to help you pare down your closet to only the clothes that make you look and feel great about yourself.”
Party on! There’s NO WRONG WAY! Just do it (with friends)! “Ironically, many people avoid decluttering because they are afraid that they are decluttering incorrectly,” Lark says. “To make the experience go faster have a declutter party with wine and snacks. Explain that you can accept criticism from friends at the party if it’s made with kindness. Take turns clearing each person’s home.”
7. Select your favorite SMELLS! Work with fragrance. If you don’t have allergies, then you can use fragrance for a positive change. Essential oils are one way to brighten your mood and modify the ambiance in a room.
Citrus oils like grapefruit and orange are linked to happier moods. Mint oils, such as peppermint, also have a similar effect. You can spray a small amount of the essential oils in the air to create a lasting impact. You can also add oils to a burner for another way to add fragrance..
Candles are also an awesome addition to any home environment. They can seriously enhance the ambiance. If you’ve got small kids, be sure to keep them up high – or just use the ones that have electronic flames. Some even come with a scent-emitting feature.
8. Photos add love energy! Add more pictures of your family and friends. If seeing an image of your loved ones instantly makes you smile, then consider adding more of their pictures to your home.
The refrigerator and fireplace mantel aren’t the only locations you can display pictures of your friends and family. You can add their photos to the walls, coffee tables, and side tables.
9. Bust down those walls! No, seriously! Remove a wall. If a wall is preventing one of the rooms from getting enough light, then removing it can help you feel better. When you don’t get enough exposure to light, it can literally disrupt your body’s natural functions and cause depression and insomnia, among other things – and that can lead to health problems.
10. Warm up your tootsies! Go big and add radiant heat to your floors. My Aunt Jan has a room in her house she calls the Florida room and it’s got radiant heat in the floor – it feels like heaven, especially when it’s cold outside.
Since I don’t personally have this one, I did a bit of research on it at one of my favorite sites as a homeowner – HealthyBuiltHomes.org. According to their experts, radiant heating is also called “underfloor heating,” and it “allows you to have warm floors throughout your home and reduces the amount of time your furnace or heating appliances must operate.”
Plus, “radiant floor heating will not only reduce your energy consumption within your home, it will also cut down on the wear and tear on your HVAC equipment.”
Like I said, while I’m in love with this idea, I haven’t implemented it at my own home just yet, so I’m not totally sure of the pricing – but you can get a custom quote from a local, trusted contractor in your area through HealthyBuildHomes.org – and it’s so easy – just visit their Radiant Floor Heating page to set it up.
Uplift your mood by making simple changes around your home. You’ll notice a difference in how you feel almost immediately – I promise!
How do you feel about where you live? What can you do to feel better about it? Tell me your thoughts in the comments, below.
So here’s a new idea – how about using your birthdays and other big dates on the calendar to do a once-over in your life? Take stock of what you’re doing, where you’re going and what you can do better.
You can have more to show for your birthday than cake crumbs and burnt candles. Let each annual celebration serve as a trigger to develop habits that contribute to a longer and healthier life. Take a look at these suggestions to help you get started.
Simple Habit Tweaks to Enhance Your Mental Health
1. Let go of expectations. While many events may be beyond your control, you can decide how to respond to them. Welcome whatever comes your way and use your experiences to learn and grow.
2. Give generously. Focusing on others brings more happiness into your life. Share your time, expertise, and possessions.
3. Practice forgiveness. Take a load off your mind by giving up any grudges or resentments. Wish others well even when you disagree with their actions. Show compassion for yourself as well.
4. Develop a hobby. Put your leisure time to good use. Learn how to play a musical instrument or speak a foreign language.
5. Communicate directly. Express your true thoughts openly and tactfully. Offer constructive feedback. Ask for what you want and need. Your courage will help others to do the same.
6. Deepen your relationships. Concentrate on the quality of your relationships. Make time for family dinners and meaningful conversations with old friends. Pick one acquaintance you want to know better and invite them to lunch.
7. Look on the bright side. List the things you are grateful for, and start each day by giving thanks for your blessings. When you’re feeling challenged, think of what you have to gain.
8. Meditate and pray. Take care of your spiritual side. Follow your faith tradition or invent rituals that are meaningful for you.
Simple Habit Tweaks That Lead to A Better Body
1. Exercise regularly. Keep your body strong and limber. Aim to work out for at least a half hour three days a week. Find a variety of activities you enjoy so you’ll stay motivated.
2. Move around. Build more physical activity into common tasks. Stand up when you talk on the phone. Climb the stairs instead of riding the elevator.
3. Sit up straight. Good posture requires no extra time out of your busy schedule. Straighten your back, lift your head, and lower your shoulders. You’ll instantly feel more alert, and protect yourself from back pain.
4. Sleep well. Your body needs good quality sleep and rest to keep running efficiently. Go to bed and wake up on a consistent schedule.
5. Eat a balanced diet. Stock up on nourishing whole foods. Fill your plate with fresh vegetables and fruits, lean proteins, and healthy fats. Cut back on processed foods that are full of sugar and empty calories.
6. Apply sunscreen. Put on your sunscreen year round instead of saving it just for summer. Reapply it if you’ve been sweating or swimming.
7. See your doctor. Ask your physician what lifestyle changes would have the greatest impact for you. Maybe you want to quit smoking or lose weight. Maybe you want to manage your diabetes or reduce your risk for osteoporosis.
8. Manage stress. Stress affects our bodies as well as our emotions. Chronic stress can lead to inflammation which is associated with many conditions, from headaches to heart disease. Find effective ways to relax, like listening to classical music or playing with your dog.
Look forward to growing older. Stop counting your grey hairs and start counting how many positive changes you can make to your daily routines. Turn each birthday into an opportunity to enhance your mental and physical well-being.
“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” ~William Jennings Bryan
Are you relying on luck and random acts to determine your life? Or are you making conscious decisions and steering your own ship?
These are two dramatically different ways to live. The former is not effective or enjoyable – it’ll just set you up for plenty of anxiety, uncertainty and general dissatisfaction.
I don’t know about you, but in my experience, the latter method is much more effective and satisfying. In any case, I’m very interested to hear what you think about all of this.
Take a look at the following 14 points and apply them to yourself 0 do they make you feel anything? Do they make you want to change yourself, or are you already on the right track? Share your thoughts in the comments below, or shoot me an email at angyatkinson at gmail dot com.
Entropy is your enemy. Entropy is the idea that all systems have a gradual decline into disorder. A sandcastle tends to fall apart over time. You won’t see a sandcastle spontaneously rise from the beach. A clean room becomes more cluttered over time. It won’t become less cluttered on its own.
If you’re living by choice, you’re adding energy into your life and moving in a predetermined direction. There’s regular improvement. This is all that’s needed to overcome the effects of entropy. You can outrun the pull into disorder.
If you’re living by chance, you lack direction. Your life is always becoming more disordered. It’s only when your discomfort is great enough that you’ll get busy and make it tolerable again. But it will never be great. You deserve more than this type of life will ever provide.
Great things rarely happen by accident. The odds of anyone becoming a brain surgeon, movie star, astronaut, or president or living an amazing life are slim without intention. All of these things require an intention.
If you’re living by choice, you know what you want and you’re making it happen. You have a pretty good idea of what your life will look like in the future. Anything is possible with enough time and effort.
If you’re living by chance, you likely have a job you don’t want and you’re living a life you don’t enjoy. You spend a lot of your effort putting out fires just to keep your life the same. Life becomes one minor catastrophe after another.
A great life requires some thought. It’s hard to get what you want if you don’t know what you want. If don’t know what you want, you’re stuck with whatever you get.
If you’re living by choice, you’re able to set goals. Attaining them creates the life you desire, step by step.
If you’re living by chance, you don’t set goals. Failing to choose the direction of your life means not being clear on your desires. Without a target, you’re just drifting through life.
Consistency is important to enjoying a balanced life. It’s not just important to be consistent, but to be consistent effectively. Watching five hours of TV each night is consistent, but not effective.
If you’re living by choice, you are in the position to take effective, consistent action. A great career, body, social life, or anything else requires consistency, day after day. Making choices about your life provides the opportunity to be consistent in an effective manner.
If you’re living by chance, you’re consistently inconsistent. Your life is too random to make progress in any meaningful way. The only consistent part of your life is passivity.
Choose the life you want to live. Any other alternative leads to unsatisfactory results. Make decisions and choose to stick with them. Live a life that you’ve designed. Avoid living life by default.
You can create a much more satisfying and enjoyable life with choice than you’ll ever achieve through chance alone. Be bold: choose your life. You’ll be glad you did.
This author follows an order for developing self mastery. Reading Jim Pritchard’s Book, “The Warrior Mind,” reminded of this book, as Pritchard used 6 energies to overcoming obstacles which manifest as people and situations can become intimidating. Every morning I wake up to incantations and affirmations, with stretching and 2 glasses of water. I was able to take what Atkinson wrote, and fit it into my routine and my psychology database. I also like the fact that Atkinson stresses the importance of change. Muhammad Ali once said, that he didn’t count his pushups, but did as many as he could til he felt pain. Patience is another term Atkinson uses which is a simple term, but she stresses that rewards come with patience and consistency. The book is straight-forward, but its all the things we forget when we are depressed or have anxiety. Pritchard had discussed that fear doesn’t serve us, as their is only risk versus danger. Atkinson touches on when you decide to do something, creating a schedule and deadline are keys or tools for your toolbox. The only thing I have to say with that is, sometimes we hit walls, and the deadline can cause extra anxiety. I can’t tell you how many walls I have hit, and used fear to drive me home, which was not healthy. It made me laugh to, that Atkinson include flossing, she couldn’t be more right. Flossing tremendously decreases your change of heart disease. One thing I would include in Part-2, is to include always using sunscreen. Vegetables and water are the key to weight loss, and her idea of a financial worksheet has helped me through my military and government career. I could see a a 1-page outline listing all of these facts, displayed as bullets, as a daily reference sheet. Rock on.