Discover Your Inner Badass!

Discover Your Inner Badass!

Ever feel like being abused by a toxic narcissist has left you feeling hopeless and weak? Maybe it’s time for you to bring out your inner badass – it’s Fearless Friday and we are going to talk about how to get over the fear and take back your life.

Wanna know how to be fearless?

It’s time to unleash your inner badass! Here’s a step by step process to help you get it done.

Schedule a coaching appointment at http://narcissisticabuserecovery.online or get a free five-day email course at http://narcissismsupportcoach.com. You can also see my books at http://booksangiewrote.com.

Lonely After Narcissistic Abuse? How to Make New Friends AND Keep the Old

Lonely After Narcissistic Abuse? How to Make New Friends AND Keep the Old

Don’t Go Through Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Alone!  Make New Friends & Revive Old Friendships With These Tips

As you cleanse your life of the negativity of narcissistic abuse, you may find that your friendships have dwindled away.

Since narcissists are good at isolating us from other people in our lives, including our friends,we often find ourselves feeling lonely at some point in our recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The fact is that we’ve changed a lot due to our abusive, toxic relationships – and once we are ready to change our lives, we often find that our friends have moved on without us – and sometimes, in ways that don’t necessarily make it easy to reconnect – stuff like marriages, children, jobs and moves can really change a person’s life and priority list – and chances are, you’re already well-aware of it.

Just so you know, it’s totally normal to feel like this during this kind of transition in your life.

Of course you feel like you’re on your own, especially if you’re transitioning through a divorce or even just a change in job or the loss of a friendship or other close relationship – and going no contact in general is very tough at the beginning – you really NEED people around you to connect with and begin to rediscover life with, right?

Of course you do. So, that’s why I’m sharing these tips for you – all about staying in touch with old friends and making new ones.

Tips for Reconnecting with Your Old Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

  1. Get in touch! Make it a point to contact your old pals and let them know what’s been happening. Don’t be afraid to reveal your story to those you know you can trust – often explaining your reason for staying away – your isolation and abuse by the narcissist – can really give you a good start at repairing the friendship.
  1. Show up when you say you will!  Mark your schedule. Meeting up with friends is just as important as following up with business clients. Pull out your calendar to stay on track.
  1. Visit in person. Too far away? Road trip! Maybe you should take a vacation. Video calls and texting bridge long distances, but can’t match sitting around the table together after dinner. Use your personal and business travel to drop in on each other occasionally.
  1. Do something together. Collaborate on a project. Pursue the same activities even while you’re apart. You’ll have plenty to talk about if you’re both taking gourmet cooking classes or training for a charity run. Or even watching the same series on Netflix can do the trick.
  1. Realize times have changed and embrace the “new” friendship. Accept change. At the same time, distinguish between relationships worth sustaining and those that have run their course. You and your old college roommate may no longer have much to talk about even if you used to gab all night – and sometimes, it’s just time to move on to new friendships.
  1. Reopen old would’ve-been situations. If someone you used to know could’ve or might’ve been a closer connection under different circumstances, why not give it another shot? Revive former ties by shooting him or her a quick email or text – say something simple like “Hey, long time no talk! I was just thinking about that time we (did whatever) together! Those were the days, huh? So how ya been?”. Maybe you still wonder about a former coworker or neighbor you haven’t seen in years. Take the initiative to be the first to reach out.You never know what could happen!

How to Make New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

Maybe all your friends are also friends with the narcissist, or maybe you just need a fresh start. Perhaps you’re already reconnecting with old friends, but you still want to increase your circle. In any case, here are some tips that will help you to find some new friends in natural ways, even as an adult.

  1. Explore common interests. Look for others like you. Visit the places where you’re likely to find other vegetarians or bluegrass music lovers. Sign up for a ceramics workshop or audition for a part in a community theater production. Meetup groups are great.
  1. And speaking of meetup groups, its 2016! We are more connected than ever before in known human history! So use this to your advantage – get more active in social media. Adults of all ages congregate on Meetup or LinkedIn – and let’s not forget Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (and of COURSE, my fav platform –  YouTube!). Get involved! Enjoy the online discussions and invite someone out for coffee if you want to get to know them better – local Facebook groups are great for this. And if you’re looking for a few good supportive friends, you can join an online support group – like SPAN, my free, confidential Facebook group for narcissistic abuse survivors.
  1. Volunteer in your community. Working for causes you believe in provides gratification while you extend your network. Call a natural history museum to see if they’re accepting new docents. Organize a fundraising dinner for an animal shelter. Got kids? Be a girl scout or boy scout leader, or get involved in the PTA at school.
  1. Branch out. There are advantages to socializing with men and women of different ages. Chat with someone older or younger when you’re eating lunch in the park, or join a neighborhood association or church committee. Take a continuing education class at the community college.
  1. Be patient. It takes time to forge a connection. Stay cheerful and busy so others can see your good qualities without feeling pressured. (Don’t forget: if someone is overly familiar too fast, you might be dealing with a narcissist – that’s one of the red flags!).

Other things to consider

  1. Don’t be TOO mysterious! Reveal yourself, but not all at once. No matter how old you are, friendships are most likely to develop when we allow others to know us. Don’t dump your life story on a new friend the first day you meet. Keep it light at first, but do share more personal information as you become comfortable with each other.
  1. Don’t take a “no” too personally, but DO prepare for rejection. There may be all kinds of reasons why a woman in your yoga class resists hanging out afterwards. Give yourself credit for trying and move on to another prospect – chances are, it’s REALLY not about you – it’s more likely that she has no space in her life at this moment for a new friendship – or maybe she’s toxic – so take it as a sign from the Universe that you need to move forward.
  1. You don’t have to have a gazillion friends to be happy. Focus on quality. Having a few close friends beats having hundreds of followers on Facebook. Focus on meaningful interactions instead of arbitrary definitions of popularity. In later life, you may find yourself happier enjoying more solitude while still treasuring those occasions when you gather with loved ones.
  1. A healthy friendship is a two-sided deal – both parties benefit. So be sure to both give and get support – and make sure you’re both enjoying your time together. Giving and taking may be the most important sign of a quality friendship. I’ll tell you what – life can feel pretty complete when you have a little circle of friends who serve as advisers, sounding boards, and cheerleaders.

Listen – the end of your relationship with a narcissist can feel like the END of your life – but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Truth is, it’s really more like a new beginning – and you still have plenty of fascinating years ahead.

It’s time for you to choose your own path and create your own reality. So get going, find some friends to share it with! You’re never too old or too broken to stand up and take back your life. Connecting with your friends and making new ones can really offer you a big advantage as you do it.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think? Have you felt lonely during or after narcissistic abuse? How’d you feel? What did you do to change all that? And how are things working for you right now? Are you struggling still? Share your thoughts and your experiences in the comments section below. Let’s discuss this!

 

Kissing frogs: 27 things everyone should know about online dating

Kissing frogs: 27 things everyone should know about online dating

“To find a prince, you gotta kiss some toads.” ~Foxy Brown
Shocking facts about online dating
Whether you’re recently divorced and “getting back out there” or you’re just single and looking, you’ve probably considered online dating at one time or another. And if you’re considering it now, this post is for you. It’s all about the current state of the online dating community – from stats to news to what’s working and what’s not. Plus, how you can avoid getting involved with toxic narcissist as you get back into dating after recovering from a toxic relationship.

How to Spot Narcissists On Dating Sites: Red Flags and Giveaways

If you’ve been with a narcissist in the past, you’re going to want to know exactly how to avoid them on dating sites before you jump in, right? Here’s exactly what you need to know to a narcissist’s dating profile on an online dating site or a dating app.

Learn more about the signs you’re dating a narcissist

Top 10 Online Dating Statistics You Should Know

Online dating is considered normal these days.

The stigma that was once associated with online dating is completely gone. As late as 2005, people were embarrassed to say they met online because so many people had a problem with it. Now, the majority of Americans feel like it’s a positive way to meet a mate.

  • Approximately 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. have used an online dating service or dating app at some point.
  • An estimated 66% of them have gone on at least one date with someone they met through a dating site.

People of all ages are meeting their dates online. 

Some statistics, according to Pew Research:

  • People in their mid-20s through mid-40s are among the largest groups of online daters.
  • Some 22% of 25-34-year-olds and 17% of 35-44-year-olds have used an online dating site or mobile dating app.
  • 45-54-year-olds are just as likely to date online as 18-24-year-olds
  • 8% of 45-54-year-olds and 10% of 18-24-year-olds are online daters.
  • Middle-aged adults are described as a “thin dating market,” meaning that they have a relatively limited number of available partners within their immediate social circles.
  • 9% of seniors aged 55 and up are on dating sites.

Only two-thirds of the people who are active on online dating sites have actually met someone in person.

Does this mean that a third of the fish in the online dating sea is of the ‘Catfish’ variety?

  • 22 percent of online daters have had help creating their profiles. Just something to consider before you go all “love at first profile view” on anyone’s ass.
  • 5 percent of all Americans in marriages or committed relationships, and 12 percent of those who married or met within the past five years, are reportedly thanks to having met online. That means that 95 percent of Americans met their spouse OFFLINE. Is this a telling statistic or just a simple fact? Time will tell, I guess.

Marrying someone you meet online could mean a happier, longer relationship. 

On the plus side, a marriage between two people who met online is statistically more likely to succeed. Research shows that 6% of people who marry after meeting online break up, compared to 7.6% of people who found their spouse offline. These couples are also happier. A study found that the mean happiness index for couples who got together offline was 5.48, as compared to 5.64 for those who met in cyberspace.

Online dating scams are still happening every day.

  • In 2011, there were nearly 6,000 online dating scams REPORTED. Just imagine how many went untold – and there was reportedly more than $50 million stolen by online dating scammers.
  • Women (especially those over 40) are more likely to be targeted than men, for both scams and inappropriate contact.
  • Seventy percent of the online dating complaints made in 2011 involved women and more than half were 40 or older.

Men are still pigs online.

Maybe more so than in person. 42% of women reported feeling uncomfortable with unwanted contact via a dating site compared to 17% of men.

Nudes, dick pics, and unsolicited booty calls are the norm.

Can we talk about the dick pics? Anyone who is dating in the 21st century has received a dick pic or a nude, right? And even many couples who married before the whole dick pic thing was a thing admit to sending sexy snapshots to one another.

“So-called ‘dick pics’ in general have become an increasingly popular fad, especially for millennials,” according to data published in 2017 by YouGov Omnibus, which included the following dick-pic statistics, among others.

  • 27% of millennial men have sent a “dick pic” to a woman, 24% without being asked.
  • 34% of millennial men have been asked by a woman to send one.
  • 53% of millennial women have received dick pics
  • 78% of those received an unwanted dick pic
  • 69% received dick pics by request.
  • 1/3 of 35 to 54-year-olds have been sent dick pics
  • 8% of those over the age of 55 also reported getting nudes by text.

5 Warning Signs Your Online Crush is a Scammer

You know that old saying, “with the sweet, comes the sour?” Well, that’s the case with online dating.

While it’s totally true that online dating has made it easier to find love, with such technology also comes a new way for shady types to run scams. If you’re considering online dating, it’s important to educate yourself about scams that, unfortunately, have become all too common.

Keep these important tips in mind when using online dating sites:

1. Know what a fake online dating profile looks like. 

Fake online profiles can be an indication of a scam. It’s important to pay attention to all of the information a person posts online.

Fake profiles can include false names, incorrect ages, and stolen photographs. They can also include fake data about past relationships and education.

Fake profiles aren’t always easy to spot on online dating sites. Pay particular attention to inconsistencies. For example, a profile with a weight of 50 pounds doesn’t make sense with a height of six feet. Other clues can appear if you start searching for the data online.

ONLINE DATING HACK: Check the photos first! Use Google’s reverse image search or an app to see if the photos in a profile belong to someone else.

2. Make sure your crush is who they claim to be and not some scammer.

We’ve all heard stories of how a man or woman was swindled out her their life savings by some online asshole. Protect yourself!

  • Watch for basic grammar and spelling mistakes that make a person sound like English isn’t their first language (unless they admit that info upfront, obvs.).
  • An occasional typo shouldn’t scare you, but a profile filled with grammar and spelling mistakes needs to be approached carefully. It may be an indication of a foreign scam because they don’t understand the language well.

ONLINE DATING FYI: One of the most common scams on online dating websites is a person claiming to be from one country but actually living in another one – such as Nigeria, which actually has entire call centers dedicated to scamming people online.

3. Don’t give up your info too easily.

Be careful about sharing personal data. You probably know you shouldn’t give out banking information, but other data is important as well. Avoid mentioning your home address, phone numbers, your mother’s maiden name, and other information. Criminals can use this data in multiple ways.

4. Many sob stories are outrageous lies.

So watch out for sad stories. An online dating website can give people the opportunity to share their stories, but you want to be careful. Remember that narcissists have a tendency to use sob stories to suck in a new “source” of narcissistic supply, too.

HEADS UP! A common scam involves a tragic or sad story that makes you feel sorry for the person. Then, they ask you for help and tend to request large sums of money immediately. The stories differ, but they often involve a sick grandparent or dying uncle. This scam plays on your compassion to make you give money out of pity.

5. Don’t leave the dating website until you’ve done your due diligence.

Don’t let them demand that you communicate in any other way. If they have bad intentions, this will allow more direct access to you without the protection of anonymity. Once they get you off the site and get access to your private contact information, they could begin to pump you for information that they can use to hurt you or steal from you.

SCAM ALERT: Another scam involves you emailing or calling the person you meet online. Be careful about moving communication away from the original dating website.

  • Scammers will often ask you to provide personal email addresses and phone numbers. They may also ask you to video chat or send instant messages.
  • Another scam involves pushy requests to meet you in person.
  • It takes time to get to know a person online and ensure the interactions are real.
  • Avoid jumping too quickly into personal communication away from the website.
  • For your own safety, it’s important not to give in to pressure to make the relationship serious before you’re ready.

Dating After Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse?

Are you ready to date after going through narcissistic abuse recovery? After being in a toxic relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits, you may be feeling a whole, confusing spectrum of emotions. You might be struggling with fear of running into another narcissist, or fear of being rejected. You might feel old, or out of practice. You might even feel excited and ready – and everything in between.

But as long as you feel pretty comfortable in your codependency recovery, it might just be a good time to get back out there and start dating again Still, dating post-narcissist is a little more complicated in certain ways.

Why Dating Again After Narcissistic Abuse is Hard

In this video, I’ll explain exactly how and why dating after narcissistic abuse can be difficult at times.

More Dating After Divorce Resources for You:

Read Also: 

Bottom Line: Have Fun, Be Smart and Find Your Soulmate (or your Hookup – I’m not judging you!) Online dating can be a fun adventure, but it’s important to have realistic expectations. Be cautious. Predators also use online dating. Like your mother told you – be safe out there.

Dirty Dozen: 12 Most Annoying Things Men Do in Relationships

Dirty Dozen: 12 Most Annoying Things Men Do in Relationships

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” ~Albert Einstein

Men, we love you. We really do. But seriously, you’re not the only ones who have a few complaints about the opposite sex. In response to the recent AskMen.com article entitled Top 10: Annoying Things Women Do, I present to you the top 12 most annoying things men do. I tried to stick with 10, but I ended up with this dirty dozen instead. 

I want to hear what you think, too! If you have thoughts on this or items you think should be added, I’d love it. Leave me a comment, below, with your thoughts. I promise to respond personally. 

Now, on with the show!

Top 12 Most Annoying Things Men Do in Relationships (According to Women)

1. Refuse to Commit to Stuff (to Anything, Ever)

Whether you’re on a first date or you’ve been married 25 years, men seem to have issues with commitment. We all know how some guys refuse to commit to even being in a relationship, but even those who do sometimes can’t commit to the most basic things. Example: often times I try to get my husband to commit to a particular activity at a particular time, but he prefers to keep his options open. Like when I ask him to watch an episode of Breaking Bad with me after dinner (yeah, we’re re-watching it because we loved it that much) and he says he’s not sure – maybe he’d rather play a video game. Grr.

2. Have Double Standards (But Pretend They Don’t)

You know what I’m talking about. They will insist on some rule in the relationship or home (don’t date other dudes, don’t eat in the living room, etc.), but they will break it and expect you to be totally fine with that.

Like they expect you to listen to their stories from top to bottom (and to be prepared for a pop quiz at the end), but they can’t offer the same courtesy. Sure, they’ll fake it a little while you’re dating, but once they’ve got you (i.e. you’re married or in a long-term relationship), you’ll see very quickly that they forget how to listen.

It’s not their fault, exactly, it’s kind of how they’re wired. Best practices to be heard, women: say only as much as you have to say and skip specific details unless he asks.

3. Think It’s That Time of the Month (Anytime We Get Emotional)

Okay, here’s the deal. Women, like men, are hormonally charged at different levels throughout the month. And women are, by nature, more emotional than men (in general—but there are plenty of examples of the opposite on both sides).

But to assume that she’s on her period every time a woman gets pissed, upset or otherwise unpleasant is just asking for a beatdown. Proverbially, most of the time, but still. Stop that.

4. Talk to the Boobs (Even When the Face is Listening)

This one is annoying, but it can also be amusing if you want to look at it that way. See, men are biologically programmed to be interested in and to “check out”  woman’s reproductive potential, whether or not they actually intend to act on the findings. Generally, they don’t (especially when they’re happily married) but they still can’t stop themselves from talking to your boobs (which are, obviously, one of the most prominent signs that you are a fertile female). It’s funny, right?

But men, next time you’re talking to a woman, know that we watch your eyes and we expect a little eye contact. Save the globe-gazing for sneak glances when we look away, okay?

5. Fart, Burp, Spit, Etc. (Sometimes in Public)

We know that everybody farts and burps, but we don’t want to smell it or hear it or think about it—and especially not in public.

And, seriously, snot rockets are never okay, buddy, so just stop. Would you like it if we girls walked around all day spitting and blowing various bodily fluids and gasses from all of our orifices?

How would you like it if we crop dusted you at the office? You’d be grossed out too. Stop it, man, just stop it.

6. Adjusting Your Junk (Again, Sometimes in Public)

I don’t know how you guys walk around with all that external genitalia, but I feel for you. Still, that doesn’t give you permission to openly reach in and jangle around your business while we’re in public . I promise they won’t go anywhere.

Speaking of junk, the same goes for scratching it when people are looking. Be discreet, for crap’s sake. Imagine if women walked around digging in their treasure troves. (Okay, stop imagining that – I forgot you guys’ minds spend a lot of time in the gutter!)

7. Selectively Listen (And Only Hear Food, Sex and “Me”)

We might tell you that we need you to take out the trash and walk the dog, but all you heard was “I’m going out for a couple hours so it’s time for you to veg out in front of the PlayStation and play your new hockey game.”

Is this because you don’t want to do it? Because you aren’t interested in what we have to say? Women are definitely more detailed and expressive in their conversations than men, but you can’t listen at all?

A tip for my fellow ladies: men are significantly more likely to listen to anything you have to say if you can associate it with food, sex or anything that is directly related to them and their interests. So next time you need him to get something done, maybe you can throw some zingers in there. Wink wink!

8. Become Huge Babies When They’re Sick (And Sometimes Otherwise)

I don’t know many men who aren’t giant babies when they’re sick. It’s just part of who they are, I think, and maybe it’s most often men whose mommies took extra special care of them when they were sick as kids.

Here’s the deal, boys. We don’t mind taking care of you when you’re sick, but this whole “poor me” whiny baby thing? SOOOO not attractive. Quit it. Just be sweet to us, thank us for all we do for you. And then shut your mouth, close your eyes and take a damn nap while we go do something else. We are busy!

9. Eye-Screw Other People (Even When They Don’t Mean It)

So listen up, men. Women think too much, care too much and often try too hard to be perfect. Maybe that’s part of why we are well-aware that you look at other women. We also know that it’s part of your human maleness and that you can’t help it. But our defensiveness of you and our relationship when it comes to other women is part of our human femaleness—it’s built into our DNA.

Before you get your hopes up and think we’ve evolved too much, know that women aren’t ever going to be totally fine with you ogling or being into other women. But good news: there are some things that you could do to take the sting out of it.

For example, don’t let us see it, and if we catch you, do or say something to make us feel more secure. (Hold our hand, put your arm around us—tell us how much prettier we are. Whatever—just read the room!)

10. Send Dick Pics

Even though most married guys don’t send unsolicited dick pics, some of them do. And plenty of idiot single guys do. As a married woman, I have received a surprising amount of dick pics from near-strangers. And I’m married and nearly 40. I cannot imagine what my single counterparts are going through.

Men—don’t send us a picture of your penis or any other naked body part unless we  ask you to do so. And if you really feel motivated to send one but we haven’t asked? Please ask first. PLEASE.

We aren’t as visually stimulated as you are, and honestly, some women even find penises unattractive. (SOME women.)

11. Sticking Us in Those “Girl” Boxes (Because We’re Pretty, Sexy or Otherwise Appealing to You)

Dude, just because I’m a blonde and I like to dress it up doesn’t mean I am stupid or less than you. I can’t believe I have to keep saying this – it’s 2015 for crap’s sake. But let me remind you one more time: we do not fit into neat little stereotyped boxes. We’re like onions, but less stinky. 

Just because your girlfriend or wife embraces her femininity doesn’t mean she’s not smart. Or, if she’s a mechanic and comes home dirty every day? She can still be sexy and femininine.

Just because a woman is a stay-at-home or work-at-home mom doesn’t mean she sits around and eats bon-bons all day. I’d like to see you try do do what they do all day and still have time to take a leisurely poop. Just kidding. Well, sorta. 

My point? Just stop putting us in those boxes, guys. We are just as multifaceted as you, if not more so. Give us credit where it’s due. 

12. Never Notice Anything (Literally)

It doesn’t matter if we’ve painted our living room or completely changed our hair, if men not in the right frame of mind, they just won’t notice. This is again part of their human maleness, but it still makes us feel crazy.

Ladies, try pointing out the things they need to notice. Yeah, it might be annoying, but at least you’ll get a little validation out of the deal. And men? Don’t forget to notice stuff, okay?

Well, there’s my 12 most annoying things men do. What would you add to the list of most annoying things men do? Share your thoughts in the comments section below or on our Facebook page

 Did you like this post? Click here to stay up-to-date by signing up for my free newsletter. I promise not to spam you , and I’ll never give or sell your email address to anyone. 

 

 

Pin It on Pinterest