Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Then read THIS.

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Then read THIS.

Are you tired of being the victim of narcissistic abuse? Fully over being drained by energy vampires? Are you done with feeling as if your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth have been slashed to pieces by someone who was supposed to love you? Do you want to reclaim your power, heal from the pain, and gain the tools you need to move on into a healthier life?

Understanding the Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a traumatic experience that can leave you feeling like your life has been upended, to put it very mildly. You may feel alone, misunderstood, and like you’ll never be the same again. It can be very painful and it will feel nearly impossible to carry on.

But there’s good news. 

YOU Can Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

I truly believe that you are capable of recovering from narcissistic abuse and becoming a stronger, more positive person because of it, as far-fetched as that might feel right now. That’s why I created Positively Profound Personal Transformation After Narcissistic Abuse.

It’s packed with simple tools and tips on how to recover from narcissistic abuse and take back your life. You’ll learn how to recognize the signs of narcissism, what it means to be gaslit, and how to move on once you’ve been gaslit by a narcissist.

Even better, I built an entire online narcissistic abuse recovery support system meant to help you heal from narcissistic abuse by giving you tools and techniques to overcome the damaging effects of neglect, abandonment, and/or abuse at the hands of someone you trusted to protect you. It offers a virtual roadmap to recovery from narcissistic abuse and you’ll have a guided experience at no cost to you when you simply sign up for email service. 

Speed up your narcissistic recovery now.

One of the most effective, low-cost tools I’ve created has already helped hundreds of people just like you and me to take back their lives – and it comes with a free year of online (but OFF social media) support from a private support group and narcissistic abuse recovery coaches and experts.

I call it Positively Profound Personal Transformation After Narcissistic Abuse – and it will help you do exactly what it says: profoundly transform yourself into the person you truly want and deserve to be.

You’ll stop being a victim and start being a survivor. You’ll learn to fend off the “energy vampires” in your life, and you’ll find a way to rise above the negative, toxic people who have effectively destroyed you.

Plus: you’ll be able to become the most powerful version of yourself as you heal and learn to use new tools to deal with the narcissist in your life, however that looks for you.

Here’s what you need to know.

When you purchase our new course entitled Positively Profound Personal Transformation After Narcissistic Abuse for the low price of just $59, you can receive a free one-year membership to SPANily Home: A Support Group for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse!

SPANily Home is an independent online community that offers support to survivors through peer support, online workshops, and more. It does not rely on Facebook or any other social media site.

Plus: optional guided group coaching sessions and one-on-one mentoring with international experts in narcissistic abuse recovery and personal transformation, occasional guest experts in the field of narcissistic abuse, and educational materials such as books and videos that will aid in healing.

But here’s the BEST PART!

For the next 14 days, you’ll have the option to get the Positively Profound Personal Transformation course WITH the bonus one-year membership to the SPANily Home for 25% off the already low price of $59.

You’ll stop being a victim and start being a survivor.

You’ll learn to fend off the “energy vampires” in your life, and you’ll find a way to rise above the negative, toxic people who have effectively destroyed you.

Plus: you’ll be able to become the most powerful version of yourself as you heal and learn to use new tools to deal with the narcissist in your life, however that looks for you.

Just use coupon code NOTALONE at checkout or click here to get the deal.

All of that being said, don’t feel pressured to purchase this particular deal. There are tons of free and cheap services and tools you can use at QueenBeeing.com – and if you’d prefer more personal or direct support, I invite you to check our Zoom group coaching and/or one-on-one coaching.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

A Comprehensive Guide to Online Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

A Comprehensive Guide to Online Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

When you first recognize that you’ve been dealing with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship, you’re likely to feel two things. First, you’ll feel a bit validated when you recognize that maybe you aren’t as mentally ill as you previously suspected. Then, you might feel a little bit shocked, angry, or confused when you realize that you’ve been living with an abuser and that everything you knew to be true might have been a lie. 

Are you trying to end a relationship with a narcissist?

No matter how they fit into your life, it can feel nearly impossible to move on when you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits.

It’s difficult to understand that the person you thought you knew so well may not have been the person they seemed, and depending on the depth of your relationship, you might be rethinking everything you believed to be true.

Your Guide to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Online

If you’re here, we assume you have recently been the victim of narcissistic abuse, and it can be hard to know where to start when you’re looking for a guide to narcissistic abuse recovery online.

This guide will help you create your own personal narcissistic abuse recovery, including pointing you toward the information you need to understand and how to find the right kind of support, whether it’s a community, coach, or therapist

Before we get into some of the resources available, let’s take a look at what narcissism actually is and how people experience narcissistic abuse.

What is narcissism?

Toxic Narcissism, as opposed to healthy narcissism, is excessive self-focus that involves a marked lack of empathy for others. It’s also called malignant narcissism.

A narcissist is someone who has narcissistic traits (and/or narcissistic personality disorder) along with antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-driven aggression.

They may also exhibit an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. In general, we’re talking about someone with a high opinion of him/herself who is a toxic, verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive person.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a pervasive, covert type of abuse that involves the exploitation and psychological abuse of one partner in a toxic relationship.

Narcissistic abuse involves subtle manipulation, pervasive control tactics, gaslighting, and emotional and psychological abuse.  This kind of abuse can affect a personal connection, such as marriage, partnership, friendship, or family relationships.

When you’re dealing with a narcissist in the family, they will often abuse everyone in the household and even affect the extended family members. Even professional relationships and acquaintanceships can be affected by narcissistic abuse.

What’s the first step in narcissistic abuse recovery?

It’s hard to know where to start when you want to heal from narcissistic abuse. You may have heard a friend use the term “narcissism,” but not know exactly what it meant or how it could apply to your situation.

Maybe you don’t know anyone who has been through what you have, and that makes it harder for you to know how to move on and find healing.

The first step is getting as much information as possible so that you can make an informed decision about your next steps.

How long does narcissistic abuse recovery take?

We know firsthand how hard it is to recover from an abusive relationship with a narcissist. It can take years, and some days it feels like you’ll never be free of the devastating impact they had on your life. We want you to know that it’s not true – you will get over this.

We’re here to help make sure that happens as quickly and easily as possible.

Narcissistic abuse isn’t your fault.

This is very important – you need to understand that what happened isn’t your fault, ok? It doesn’t matter if it was a relationship or an abusive experience at work or an ongoing situation with a toxic friend or relative – it’s not your fault.

That doesn’t mean you’re perfect, of course. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s possible that you’ve made a few yourself.

But that doesn’t make you an intrinsically bad person.

Chances are if you found yourself in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, your flaws are highlighted and magnified by your abuser – but the qualities that led you to tolerate them were most likely born in childhood, thanks to some sort of trauma.

The narcissist in your life may have also been a victim of similar childhood trauma, but they just manifested their damage a little differently than you did. 

Finding your way through the fog of narcissistic abuse can be a confusing and isolating experience, but you don’t have to go it alone. We’re here to help. 

What are the effects of narcissistic abuse on victims?

While narcissistic abuse can result in profound emotional and psychological harm, as well as long-term physical effects, the covert nature can make it difficult to spot and even more challenging to manage.

Worse, if you find yourself involved in this kind of relationship, your self-confidence and self-worth are often so low by the time you realize it, you can’t or won’t leave. Learn more about the effects of narcissistic abuse.

Why are narcissists so likely to abuse the people close to them?

Not all abuse involves narcissists, but in a large percentage of abuse cases, a narcissist is involved. Malignant narcissists have little to no empathy for the people around them and who act from that perspective.

That is: they don’t care how you or anyone else feels, and you can tell because of the way they treat the people around them. 

Many narcissistic abusers might be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder – if they actually go to a psychologist for diagnosis, but this rarely happens as narcissists don’t feel that there’s anything with them. They may be overtly narcissistic, or they may be more of a covert narcissist.

In either case, anyone in a close relationship with one of these toxic people will be used as a form of narcissistic supply and not treated like an actual person. Sadly, even the most intelligent and educated people can be manipulated and abused by a narcissist.

What are the stages of narcissistic abuse recovery?

Whether you know it or not, being here and reading this page could mean you’re already in narcissistic abuse recovery. Most people these days learn they’re dealing with a narcissist by Googling their behavior. Or maybe they took an online “Am I dealing with a narcissist?” test.

Either way, for most people, the first step in narcissistic abuse recovery is looking at the warning signs of a narcissist. The second step is learning about the effects that being in a relationship with a narcissist had on you, and what you can do about them.

The third step is to take all that knowledge and put it to good use so you can evolve and create the life you really want. Read more about the stages of narcissistic abuse recovery here. 

Start Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Here

As survivors ourselves, our goal is to help victims of narcissistic abuse find the support they need and deserve in this difficult time. We’ve built a powerful narcissistic abuse recovery system just for you, and we’re here to help you build and navigate your own path to recovery.

Here’s a roundup of some of the best online resources for recovering from narcissistic abuse.

Resources & Information for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Personal Support for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery 

The journey to recovery from narcissistic abuse is not easy. But it can be so worthwhile.

If you’re feeling stuck, contact a narcissistic abuse recovery coach or therapist who specializes in helping survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Whether you go the self-help route or you get some support, these resources can guide you through the recovery process and help you regain control of your life.

Your Brain on Narcissistic Abuse: Cognitive Dissonance, Trauma Bonding & Healing in Recovery

Your Brain on Narcissistic Abuse: Cognitive Dissonance, Trauma Bonding & Healing in Recovery

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know how hard it can be to believe you could have been abused by someone you thought loved you. It’s not just that they were charming, seductive, and desirable. It’s also that they seemed to care about you. You may have even felt loved – at least on some level. It’s hard to imagine that everything you thought was true about your relationship might have been a lie. This is one way you can deal with serious cognitive dissonance. And don’t worry – you’re not alone here. This happens to nearly every narcissistic abuse survivor somewhere along the way. You might also be living with a form of post-traumatic stress disorder that significantly affects your everyday reality.

What is cognitive dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (disagreeing cognitions) we experience when we encounter information that contradicts our existing set of beliefs or knowledge. In other words, when we experience cognitive dissonance, we feel anxious because part of us wants to reject new information because it is threatening to our established beliefs – but another part of us knows that the new information may be true and is demanding that we accept it as such. This internal tension can cause stress and anxiety – especially if we are unaware of its source. 

Did you know that your brain betrays you in narcissistic relationships?

It’s true! The chemicals oxytocin, which encourages bonding, endogenous opioids – responsible for pleasure, pain, withdrawal, dependence; a corticotropin-releasing factor which involves withdrawal, and stress; and dopamine which is connected to the craving, seeking, wanting the narcissist back, even when they’ve caused you extreme emotional stress and pain. Toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse lead your neurochemistry to fall into dysregulated states, which makes it really hard to leave a narcissist and even harder to finally get over a toxic relationship. Take Dr. Daniel Amen’s free Brain Health Assessment to discover your Brain Type and your Brain Fit Score!

How can you re-wire your brain after narcissistic abuse?

Your brain is neuroplastic, meaning it can change and heal in some pretty amazing ways. When you’re dealing with the type of brain damage that is caused by narcissistic abuse, you can sort of re-wire your brain yourself. (Of course, you should always check with your medical professional to ensure there’s not some other underlying reason for brain fog or being forgetful.) Speaking of brain fog, let’s define it. 

What is brain fog? 

Brain Fog is the feeling of dissociation or disconnectedness often experienced during and after narcissistic abuse. It’s a very common symptom of narcissistic abuse-induced C-PTSD. Most survivors report feeling lost like they’re not really there, or like they’re sort of watching life happen through a screen or a bubble.

Self-Help Options for Healing Brain Fog After Narcissistic Abuse

Most memory training techniques involve exercises to improve linking objects to certain items or using numbering systems to stay on top of being forgetful. However, oftentimes the only thing that is needed to keep your mind on track is to get organized and to stay that way! Below are a few good tips that will help you:

Use a filing system effectively

Take the time to think through your filing system. Figure out what organization will work best for you – client files versus project files, color coding, and so on. Once you’ve worked out your system, make sure to use it. File all pertinent information in the appropriate file (not a desk pile). It’s also helpful to attach blank sheets of paper to the inside right back flap of file folders. Then, you can take notes on relevant conversations, memos, and meetings right where you need them. And make sure you put your files away in an organized fashion.

Use a task list for projects

Overwhelmed by a complex project? Think through the project concretely, step by step. Then, make a list of all these steps, or tasks, to help you get them done. Here’s another suggestion: Keep your task list stapled to the inside front cover of your project file. That way you can refer to the task list whenever you work on that project. Personally, I LOVE Bullet Journaling for this kind of stuff.

Avoid paper piles

Are you surrounded by a sea of papers at work? Is your dining-room table so covered with mail that you’re not even sure it’s still there? There are generally two things that happen to information buried in a paper pile – either it is forgotten or it can’t be found when you need it. Paper piles are like the plague – they should be avoided at all costs. When you get a piece of paper, you should do one of three things: file it, write the information down elsewhere (such as in your scheduler) and toss it, or simply toss it.

Un-sticky your life

Avoid constantly putting information on sticky notes and other small pieces of paper: If you need to write something down, put it on your Master Plan or on your to-do list. While it’s okay to use a reminder such as a sticky note every once in a while, using such notes all the time will make them less noticeable and—as a result—less useful.

Don’t overdo it

Organize your day according to your energy level: Most of us are at our best in the morning. Therefore, set aside time in the morning to work on projects that require your full focus and ability. Schedule less important meetings and other tasks for later in the day.

Supplements That May Help With Your Healing

Did you know that there are certain supplements designed to help with healing your brain? Did you also know they can be taken while your brain is still in recovery from trauma bonding in narcissistic abuse? Are you wondering what supplements actually do this and if the claims are true? I’ve compiled a list of supplements that have helped me and others I have coached in recovery. It is based on personal experience, what I have read, and what other people have told me. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but my aim is to help you find some useful information about healing your brain in recovery.

*Please note, I am not a medical professional and nothing on this site should be taken as medical advice. Do not take any supplements without first discussing with your doctor and getting their approval.

  • Calm My Brain: Quell your worried mind with this highly effective formula for the relief of anxiousness, featuring the ultimate calming mineral magnesium, the powerful stress-busting herb KSM-66® ashwagandha, and the fast-acting amino acid L-theanine.*
  • Attention Support: Trouble concentrating? Can’t sit still? Attention Support contains natural ingredients selected for their clinically proven benefits to help you relax, stay calm, and increase your attention span.
  • Betaine TMG: Provides the nutrient betaine (trimethylglycine, TMG), which enhances SAMe for healthy mood; provides crucial methyl for DNA, brain neurotransmitters, melatonin, and myelin production; and helps cells regulate their water content.
  • Brain & Body Power: The easiest way to get your daily mind and body essentials – parceled into convenient packets including a brain optimizing multi-vitamin-mineral, and pure omega-3 fish oil capsules.
  • Brain & Body Power Max: The most advanced memory-directed formula – perfectly portioned into convenient daily packets including a multi-vitamin-mineral, maximum memory-boosting nutrients, and omega-3 fish oil for complete daily nutrition.
  • Brain & Memory Power Boost: Our most advanced, best-selling memory formula with a lineup of powerful nutrients clinically proven to help protect circulation in your brain, boost mental connectivity, sharpness, and sustained focus.
  • Brain Boost On-The-Go: Fight brain fatigue and tackle your day with the zero-calorie, caffeine-free, and sugar-free, effervescent berry blend that’s perfect anytime, anywhere. Quick natural energy and hydration to help promote mental clarity. Simply add to water and enjoy.
  • Craving Control: Anyone who has ever tried to make better choices knows all too well how cravings can sabotage the best intentions. Craving Control contains all-natural ingredients that help to calm the craving centers in our brain, balance blood sugar and promotes a positive mood.
  • NeuroLink: Feeling irritable or sad for no reason? NeuroLink helps to balance our emotional ups and downs by delivering an exclusive blend of key nutrients to neurotransmitters in our brain helping us to feel tranquil and clear.
  • BrainMD’s GABA Calming Support: Calm your mind naturally with GABA Calming Support, an exclusive formula that contains clinically studied nutrients that help to calm your brain waves and help act as the biochemical “brakes” your brain needs to slow down your anxious or fretful thoughts.
  • Serotonin Mood Support: Does your mind race with negative thoughts? Try our customer favorite Serotonin Mood Support, which contains a patented form of saffron along with other key nutrients that help to promote calmness, positive mood, serotonin balance, and even healthy weight management.
  • SAMe Mood and Movement 400: SAMe Mood & Movement 400 provides SAMe (S-AdenosylMethionine), a nutrient with very high energy that helps power numerous enzymes important for the brain, joints, liver, muscles, and other organs. SAMe is fundamental to the body’s renewal, repair, and overall well-being.

Going Forward in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser causes survivors to experience a form of trauma and shock. For this reason, trauma therapy is helpful because it acknowledges that healing is a process and that there is more than one way to move forward.

Trauma therapy is often focused on the past but will also guide you toward future goals and dreams while teaching you how to deal with various triggers. Awareness of cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding & emotional flashbacks can be instrumental in understanding what your inner experience of the relationship was so you can work through it & begin letting go. Find a therapist here. 

You might also want to try narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, or if you’re looking for more of a small group setting with a lower price point, try our small group coaching plan – there are significant benefits to this and the price is significantly less than one-on-one coaching. 

Takeaway

You are not to blame for your traumatic relationship with a narcissist. By understanding what happened to you and having the right support on your healing journey, you can go on to live a happy and meaningful life. After overcoming narcissistic abuse, you may find yourself feeling like a whole new person. If you have found yourself in that stage, take comfort knowing you’re not alone. It is a journey that is as exhilarating as it is exhausting, but the end result is well worth all the effort.

You can recover. You just have to take your time, and you have to trust the process. Give yourself permission to rebuild your life from the ground up. It’s going to be a long and difficult road, but it will be worth it in the end.

Get Help With Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Cognitive Dissonance, Trauma Bonding & Healing in Recovery – Here’s the link for your free tools.

Gaslighting and Revenge in Narcissistic Abuse

Gaslighting and Revenge in Narcissistic Abuse

You’ve probably wondered what a narcissist thinks about – and, if you’re anything like me, who told them they could TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY! You might wonder if it hurts their feelings when someone corrects them or “bests” them.

(Do they even really have feelings?)

Or, what your ex was thinking when they started dating you? The fact is that narcissists are relentless liars. And they have no shame.

They will take extreme measures to tell you exactly what they want you to hear without any regard for the truth. Their main concern is only getting their desperate need for narcissistic supply met.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a way of relating to others involving the exploitation, blatant manipulation, and control of others in order to meet the abuser’s own needs. It can exist in a relationship between any two people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or type of relationship.

Narcissistic abusers are often difficult to spot and even harder to leave. Whether or not they have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder isn’t as important as whether or not they have narcissistic traits and behaviors.

For example, a narcissistic abuser can be charming, charismatic, and fun at times – and they can turn on a dime and become your worst nightmare. However, thanks to their powerful ability to project, deflect and play the victim, narcissists are rarely confronted about their behavior.

Of course, this is possibly due to the fact that they frequently surround themselves with enablers (AKA flying monkeys) who don’t want to believe that anything is wrong. 

The effects of narcissistic abuse can last for years after the relationship has ended and may lead the survivor to develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). C-PTSD from narcissistic abuse differs from PTSD caused by experiences such as car accidents or military combat in that it involves re-living or re-experiencing rather than avoidance or numbing of memories. 

Are You Being Gaslighted?

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic narcissists use to control someone and make them feel crazy. It doesn’t matter how great a relationship you have with your partner or spouse; as long as there’s abuse and manipulation, your relationship isn’t healthy.

Gaslighting occurs when someone tells you that what you’re experiencing isn’t authentic or not genuine, in other words causing the victim to question their feelings, instincts, and sanity.

Does this mean that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship? Not necessarily. You could have a great relationship, but both you and your partner could have issues like low self-esteem or depression that make emotional abuse more likely (and more difficult to spot). Read more in Toxic Narcissism in Relationships: Top 10 Warning Signs You’re Being Gaslighted

Are you worried you’re being gaslighted? Take the Gaslighting Self-Assessment right here and find out for sure. You’ll be directed to resources that will help you in your current situation.

Can’t Go No Contact?

First and foremost, you need to know that nothing you do will force the narcissist to change. They will only change if it benefits them.

You must understand that this person does not have the same morals, emotions, or feelings as ordinary people. These people cannot be around a good and decent person or have friends who care about them.

They are only after one thing in life, and that is control. They can never be satisfied with what they have accomplished because there will always be someone out there that they think has more than whatever they have at the moment.

One way or another, they will get it from you even if you give it to them willingly. Unless that is, you know these 10 Easy Steps to Torture a Narcissist Into Submission.

Do You Want Revenge on the Narcissist?

Listen, if you were ever to feel like you want revenge on the narcissist in your life, trust me when I tell you that you are FAR from alone. But is it worth the trouble?

The truth is that whether or not you’re a narcissist’s target, interacting with them can be exhausting (to put it mildly). That’s why it’s essential to keep the upper hand and ensure that they are the ones chasing you – not the other way around.

It doesn’t even have to be anything drastic – act interested in their lives, but not to the extent that they think they can manipulate you.

Narcissists may have many problems, but remembering how to handle them (and how NOT to manage them) can be extremely rewarding—for both parties involved. Read more in How to Play the Narcissist’s Game (And Beat Them At It).

Toxic relationships have a huge effect on survivors’ lives. They affect every aspect of the survivor’s life and can destroy the survivor’s self-esteem, sense of self-worth, confidence, and trust in their own judgment – as well as their ability to relate to other people.

Trust Your Gut

Trust your instincts, always. When it comes to the narcissist, you, unfortunately, need to be on guard at all times. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it probably is.

Take action: confront the narcissist (if safe to do so), call the authorities, alert family members, tell other people about what’s going on – do whatever it takes to get out.

The quicker you can get away from the narcissist, the more easily you can recover from their atrocious abuse. Learn everything you need to know about going no contact at our No Contact Support Center and visit our PLAN (Planning to Leave a Narcissist) Resource Center here.

Want to better understand why narcissists are what they are and what you can expect from them? Learn more about the narcissist’s cycle of abuse.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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Releasing Your Past to Choose Your Future After Narcissistic Abuse

Releasing Your Past to Choose Your Future After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse takes a lot from its victims: Our sense of self, our security, our trust and happiness, and sometimes even our memories. Often, when we finally break away from a toxic relationship with a narcissist (or any other abuser), we are left feeling like there is no true “us” anymore. We are merely empty shells of the people we used to be.  Can you relate to that feeling?

Do You Remember Who the Narcissist Really Was?

When you first leave a relationship with an abuser, it’s easy to look back on all the good times you had with your now-ex as if they were real memories instead of manufactured ones. You may even feel that you miss your ex. But in reality, this person was never really who you thought he or she was.

This person was the false self that your partner created for the express purpose of gaining control over you. Narcissists are expert manipulators who use their false selves to get close to their victims and then use their true selves to manipulate them into staying put by causing fear, guilt, and shame.

Are you ready to release your past and own your future?

If you are ready to release your past, to forgive yourself, and to love yourself despite what has happened, you will also be able to find your own place in the world. You will find your voice and your truth, and you can live confidently with a deep knowing that you are enough.

To do this, you have to let go of the shame and self-blame. You need to understand how their abuse works so that you can recognize it for what it is – the actions of someone who wasn’t capable of seeing you as their equal, who may have had a sort of “god complex” – and who wanted to use and abuse you as an object. If we see these things clearly, we can begin to heal ourselves.

Your Past Doesn’t Define Your Future

Imagine for a moment trying to put on the clothes you wore as a baby or toddler. The fact is, the clothes may be yours but they simply don’t fit anymore. It’s the same with reacting to our past with the narcissist. It makes no sense to go back and dwell because the past doesn’t define your future. Your past was full of narcissistic abuse and was probably traumatic, problematic. It caused havoc and made you doubt everything you thought was true – but you can heal your past for a healthy present…and future.

Is Past Behavior Always an Indicator of Future Behavior?

Your past definitely influences the future. What you went through or the mistakes you made will impact your thoughts and feelings which can lead to a crossroads. One road leads to unconscious thoughts and feelings that trigger destructive behavior and repeat circumstances over and over. Another road leads to healing the past, becoming intentional with thoughts and feelings which promotes healthier choices and actions. The good news is that your past behavior doesn’t have to be an indicator of what’s coming down the road if you do the internal work to heal.

Take Advice from Maya Angelou

Author, poet, activist, and all-around goddess Maya Angelou famously advised us to “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” My point is that the choices we make are influenced by a variety of things including:

  • Our age
  • Our support system…or lack of it
  • Our economics
  • Our level of education
  • Our advantages…and disadvantages
  • The available choices at the time

We may make entirely different choices when any of these factors change. What we chose in the past does not mean it’s what we would choose today or tomorrow. As we grow, mature, find support, and experience different circumstances, we change and so does the quality of our choices. If we stay the same and keep making poor choices, it’s important to look at what is holding us back and do the work to heal and move forward.

Some Things are Out of Your Control

Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control – and when a narcissist is involved, they do everything in their power to prevent you from controlling your own life and circumstances. What you experienced in the past wasn’t anything you chose directly, but something that happened to you.

Still, it’s really important to remember that this doesn’t mean you can’t control the future. You may be unable to change what happened to you in the past, but going through tough situations does provide lessons and awareness that you can take with you and use in the present and future.

In a way, having things happen outside of your control can offer you mental resources that give you control moving forward. It may be as simple as choosing to forgive or learning you can manage stress or uncertainty. These are powerful tools to have today and tomorrow.

Your past doesn’t define your future, your awareness does. What you are conscious of, the choices you make with intention, and the actions you take today are what influence your future more than anything.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

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