7 Reasons Why Narcissists Don’t Give Closure

7 Reasons Why Narcissists Don’t Give Closure

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One of my clients shared with me that her ex broke off their relationship in the most interesting way. She said that her ex told her he needed a little space, and abruptly moved out after 23 years together. He said that he wasn’t ending their long-term relationship, and in fact, that he wanted to start dating her again. He wanted to fall in love with her all over again, he claimed. He almost made it sound exciting and healthy.

He said he was in a rut and needed to shake things up – he needed to find himself. She was of course devastated, but she tried to play along.

Of course, what I haven’t mentioned about this situation is that this man spent the previous 23 years systematically manipulating and psychologically destroying my client. He had future-faked her for years – so much that they were literally engaged for two decades, but never actually married.

She confessed to me that she’d tried to leave him repeatedly, thanks to several episodes of cheating, but he’d always sucked her back in. In fact, they’d gotten engaged 20 years ago because of the first cheating episode. She told me that he’d showed up at her mom’s house, where she’d retreated to after finding him with another woman, with a ring and a big public proposal. He’d wooed her back into submission, and this pattern would continue, much to her chagrin.

Each time she tried to get him to set a wedding date over the years, he always had an excuse. They didn’t have the money. She was pregnant. Their dog died. He wasn’t sure if she REALLY loved him. He wasn’t sure if HE really loved HER. Then she was pregnant again. And now, after 23 years of not-wedded not-bliss and two children who were now a young adult and a teen, he was doing it yet again, and this time, she was sure it would stick.

But she couldn’t seem to let go of him, and she didn’t know why. She had become so enmeshed with him that she didn’t even recognize herself anymore. She knew she wanted to be done so she could finally move on with her life, but she couldn’t figure out how to even begin to do it. Why? Because, like all narcissists, he absolutely refused to give her the closure she needed to move forward and let him go.

Narcissists Don’t Do Closure!

Narcissists have a way of leaving you hanging, don’t they? They just don’t do closure. But why? Well, that’s exactly what we’re talking about, today: narcissists and closure – why they don’t give it, how you’re affected by the lack of closure, and how to create closure for yourself.

First, let’s discuss what I mean when I say closure. It’s a sense of resolution or a sort of “conclusion” at the end of any relationship. Unfortunately, this is often denied to survivors of narcissistic abuse. This leaves us feeling obsessed with figuring out the details and implications of our toxic relationships – we find ourselves stuck and spinning as a result of not getting closure. This leaves many of us feeling the need to either find our own closure or spending years trying in vain to emotionally heal after these toxic relationships, unable to move forward and not understanding exactly why.

Why don’t narcissists give you closure at the end of a toxic relationship?

There are so many reasons narcissists don’t give you closure. But for the most part, their reasoning (or lack thereof) probably falls into one of the following points.

1. Narcissists Only Care About Themselves.

You know that narcissists are not capable of being empathetic. They simply cannot put themselves into the shoes of anyone else. That is one reason that they won’t give closure. They will ghost you without a second thought, and the idea of wondering how it would make you feel when they do that is a completely foreign concept to them. All they know is that they had their reasons, and they don’t even consider your feelings. They may even seem shocked when you ask them why they’ve done what they’ve done. Truth? Teaching a narcissist empathy is like trying to teach a fish to ride a bike – a frustrating, impossible endeavor.

2. They Don’t Think You Deserve It.

Since narcissists don’t have empathy, they can’t imagine that you might even NEED closure, much less deserve it. That’s right. Despite the fact that you have spent a long time bending over backward to make sure they get what they need, now that it’s over, they don’t figure they owe you anything at all – and sadly, this includes closure. Plus, by not giving you closure they ensure that you’ll keep thinking about them – and what narcissist doesn’t want that?

3. They Don’t See You As a Whole Person.

This one is tough to hear, sometimes, but it’s the truth. Narcissists do not see you or anyone they’ve grown close to as real, whole people. Rather, you’re almost like an object to them – an object that they can use and consume at will, and toss aside when they’re done with you. And, they have no issue whatsoever coming along and picking you up and using you again, when they’re ready. They literally see you as less of a person than they are – which, if I’m being honest, is kind of ironic in a way, given their own shallow nature and the probability that you are a deep, thoughtful and compassionate person. How do I know that? Because narcissists can’t manage long-term relationships with anyone else – they need someone who will take care of their emotional needs (and often, all of their other needs as well).

4. Because You Want It.

Did you ever notice how, when you’re really stressed out or times are hard, narcissists have a way of sort of “kicking you when you’re down?” Narcissists can be real sadists, and part of them loves to see you squirming in emotional distress. And even though narcissists cannot empathize with you, they still get that you would appreciate closure and maybe that it would help you move on. And not only does knowing this gives them a bit of a power buzz, but it assures them that you won’t be able to move on when they need your supply again. Which brings me to my next point.

5. They Need Your Supply, Maybe.

Narcissists require narcissistic supply. You, as the narcissistic supply, are used by the narcissist for attention, validation, admiration – all the “supply” they need to feed their ego. On to of this, the narcissist often has a circle of supply or “narcissistic harem,” and like it or not, they’ve pegged you as one of them. Now, this circle or harem might include people they’re cheating with, their mothers or fathers,  various friends, coworkers, neighbors and other family members. You might be (or have been) their primary source of supply for a long time. And since you’ve been such a good source of supply up to this point, the narcissist figures they might want to “use you” again at some point. So by leaving the door open, you’re left spinning and, if the narcissist has anything to say about it, you won’t be moving on with your life. This way, when they need you, they can wiggle their way back in again when it is convenient for them.

6. They’re Not Secure with New Supply  Yet.

Speaking of narcissistic supply, there’s another possibility: the narcissist is actively trying to procure a new source of supply, and they’re not 100 percent sure yet that they’ve got it all locked down. The new supply still has the nerve to think that they are as important as the narcissist in the relationship, and so the narcissist might still need to dump on someone when they feel stressed or overwhelmed. And since they’re actively love-bombing and idealizing the new supply, they may not feel comfortable enough to take the mask off yet. So, if the narcissist can find a good reason to connect with you when they need to blow off some steam or get some comfort, they most certainly will do that. And even when the new supply is fully locked in, they may still want to keep you on standby, just in case. After all, as I mentioned, they don’t see you as an actual person, so why wouldn’t they use you when and how they can?

7. They Are Giving You a Message.

Throughout your relationship, regardless of the nature of it, the narcissist has been making a few things clear: they see you as powerless. They don’t want you to have any control whatsoever over the relationship, much less your own life. They want you to understand that, as far as they’re concerned, you don’t deserve any recognition for what you’ve done for them – no, not even for the years you spent trying to make them happy. And, sadly, they want you to believe that you are so unlovable, that you don’t even need to be acknowledged. This is all part of their cycle, part of the way they control you throughout the relationship.

Narcissists and Closure: What You Need to Know Now

This part is going to be a little tough, but you need to know that someone usually gives you closure because they actually care about you and the relationship you had. They give closure because they want peace and they care enough about you to want you to be happy. The narcissist knows that if you have closure, you’ll be able to find that peace and to move forward without them. By keeping you in their toxic loop, they keep you open for a hoover and they are able to keep taking, future faking and using you at will. It would require them to take personal responsibility for how they’ve treated you, and it would mean ending the lies and manipulation they’ve been using to keep you emotionally engaged. Just the idea of real, genuine closure is unthinkable to a narcissist.

There are many things you can do to get the closure you need, and I’ve talked about this pretty often. See the video for additional information.

So, what do you think? Question of the day: Have you struggled to find closure after a relationship with a toxic narcissist, and if so, how’d you deal with it? If not, are you worried that you won’t be able to get closure if and when you do end your relationship? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments below this video, and let’s talk about it.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

 

6 Reasons Why Narcissists Don’t Answer Questions

6 Reasons Why Narcissists Don’t Answer Questions

(Prefer to listen instead of read? Click here to see/hear on YouTube) My ex was the king of crazymaking. A couple of days before our wedding, our best man and maid of honor (which was our whole wedding party) came to town, so we decided to go out and have our bachelor/bachelorette parties – which were really just a night out on the town with our individual friends. He and his friend went one way, while my friend and I went another. And since my friend was a recovering alcoholic, we had a sober night out. But when my then-fiance came home that night, he was so intoxicated, I am pretty sure he didn’t even know his own name!

As you can imagine, it wasn’t enjoyable for me, being stone-cold sober and fully aware of everything that was happening. It was more than just worrying about his seemingly excessive level of intoxication, though. It was also that I was overly concerned with what they had done on their night out.

Now, let me just be totally transparent here. I’m not saying I was in any way perfect. In fact, I admit to being overly concerned with a lot of things back then. Honestly, I was very insecure about myself, thanks to growing up with a toxic mother, and being that I was only 22 when we got married, I still had a lot of growing up to do.

And that, along with the fact that I instinctively didn’t trust him any further than I could throw him, is probably why I insisted that we create rules for ourselves for that night out, ahead of time. And of course one of the things that we agreed on was that we wouldn’t go to certain kinds of places. I’m sure you can imagine what I mean. But in hindsight, I’m about 99 percent sure that he did go to one of those places that night and that he lied about it. Well, maybe “lied” isn’t the right word. Unless we’re talking about a lie by omission. And if I’m being honest, part of me thinks that more could’ve happened that night than I care to know.

But like always, he would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear and then just go ahead and do whatever he wanted. Ironically, somehow, that night would, in so many ways, be very representative of that relationship as a whole.

And, just like anytime I’d catch him red-handed doing something he shouldn’t, or something he promised he wouldn’t, he got really weird that night.

While a normal person might own up to what they’d done, or at least try to discuss it, my ex was confusing. See, he was hard to read. And rather than send me running, it drew me in – because I could read nearly everyone else.

When he was guilty, he might or might not argue with me. He might or might not defend himself. He might try to say things that made me feel better, or he might say things that would hurt more – depending on his mood and his goals at the moment. What I mean is that at the beginning of the relationship, he was more likely to pretend to care how I felt, but as time progressed, there would e occasions where he’d pretend pretty hard that he cared – at least, when it served him to do so.

But he did this one thing that was totally perplexing to me, even when he was still in the idealization phase of the relationship. If I’d ask questions – especially about something that could somehow incriminate him or get him in trouble, he would literally just say…nothing at all.

Now, it wasn’t exactly the silent treatment. Maybe it was a kind of stonewalling. But it wasn’t that he would not talk to me during these times. It was just that he wouldn’t answer any of my totally valid questions. He’d either say nothing, or he’d say something that was in no way an answer. So, for example, if I asked, “did you go to the strip club last night?” He’d say, “Well, I told you I wouldn’t,” but never actually say he did or didn’t go.

It drove me crazy. I mean CRAZY. And I’m pretty sure that was his intention.

Now that I think about it, it wasn’t ONLY when he was going to get in trouble that this narcissist wouldn’t answer questions. There were other times where I’d ask him a perfectly innocent question – such as whether he’d go with me to an event or something, and he’d refuse to answer those questions too. He’d say stuff like, “We will see.” And then I couldn’t make plans. And these are just a couple of examples of this all-too-often used manipulation tactic.

So let me ask you. Have you ever experienced this – a narcissist who just won’t answer your questions sometimes? So why don’t they answer your questions? What does it mean? How can you tell? Well, that’s exactly what we’re talking about today – why narcissists don’t answer your questions and how to read that behavior.

Why don’t narcissists answer questions?

Have you found yourself in this situation, wondering why anytime you ask a narcissist a question, you don’t get a straight answer? I know – it is extremely frustrating, to put it mildly.

1. They Don’t Think You Deserve Answers

They really do think you don’t need or deserve the answers to your questions. This is hard to admit to ourselves, but narcissists really don’t see us as “whole people,” or at least they don’t see us as people who are quite as “real” as they are. What I mean is that a narcissist sees you as a sort of extension of themselves, and at the same time, they see you as somehow “lower than” or “less than” they see themselves. By giving you a straight answer, the narcissist would be acknowledging that you are important and that you deserve to be treated like a real live human. They would be honoring you as someone who they saw as an equal, or even as a superior. Giving you a straight answer would essentially be acknowledging that your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and ideas are as important as their own – it would mean they would have to have some level of empathy, and they just plain don’t. This brings me to my next point.

2. They Really Don’t Care How You Feel.

Like I said, narcissists don’t have any empathy for you or anyone else. And even when they appear to care how someone feels, you can bet it’s only because in that moment,it benefits them to do so. Maybe they want something from you, or they want to shut you up so they can go and do whatever they want. But when it comes to answering your questions truthfully – or at all – it would require a certain amount of concern for your feelings, and they just can’t go there, if they’re going to maintain the facade that keeps them going. And speaking of false fronts, this brings me to number 3.

3. They Like It When You’re Confused.

Narcissists don’t answer questions because they like it when you are confused and uncertain. So rather than give you any sort of clarity, they either don’t answer at all, or they only offer very vague answers. Or, in some cases, they’ll say something that is completely out of context. They may give you a little “word salad,” or they might just straight up gaslight you. In any case, they want to keep you in control, and if you are feeling confused and uncertain, you will keep walking on eggshells around them and that is exactly what they want from you. And, of course, this is also a way they hurt your self-esteem because when they don’t give you a proper answer, they’re also openly disrespecting you.

4. They Want to Deflect and Project

When you ask a narcissist a question that feels like an accusation, the narcissist instantly goes on the defense. If you ask them why, they’ll tell you something like, “I hate being investigated,” or “You’re always accusing me of something.” The truth is that narcissists won’t answer questions that they deem accusatory in any way – even if they’re not. For example, if you asked them why they didn’t put their dishes away after they were finished, they might turn around and say something like, “What, are you saying I’m a slob?” Then they will take it even further, either attacking you for being so mean to them, and/or pointing out all the times you’ve ever not put your own dishes away or let the laundry pile up. Or they’ll point out the fact that one time 10 years ago, they helped you out by washing your dishes for you and they’ll ask how come you never do anything to help them (despite the fact that you literally bend over backward every day to make their lives easier).  Before you know it, you’ll be the one feeling guilty, begging them to forgive you for having the nerve to ask them to put their own dishes away – and that’s exactly what they want.

5. They Want to Kill Time.

One simple reason that narcissists don’t give you answers is that they have not yet figured out a good lie to tell you. So, in order to make time to dream up a real whopper, they stall so they can kill enough time to figure it out. They will keep stalling as long as they have to in order to  come up with a believable lie. Or they might just stall long enough that you’ll forget about it completely – at least that’s what they hope for. After all, they don’t feel the need to provide any sort of closure or satisfaction for you, and let’s not forget that they are completely happy with leaving you hanging anyway – which, of course, brings me to my next point.

6. They Want to Take Over Your Brain.

Narcissists love to see themselves as mysterious and fascinating.  They enjoy the idea of you being laser-focused on them – and having to guess what they have been up to or what they are doing offers them the assurance that you’re only thinking of them. They want to take up ALL the space in your head, and by not answering your questions, they feel that they are finally getting the proper amount of attention from you. You won’t be able to think of anything else, they reason, and that’s how they like it.  It’s just one of the many debts they feel you owe them as their primary source of narcissistic supply.

So how do you deal with a narcissist who won’t answer your questions?

Honestly, the best thing to do is to never expect a straight answer from a narcissist. Always take everything they say with a grain of salt, and don’t hang your heart on the idea that they might one day be real with you. Understand that narcissists will do their best to always leave you hanging and will never give you the answer you need for the sake of their own agendas.

This is exhausting and painful if you’re not careful. But when you can learn to see a narcissist for what they are, limitations and all, you can really empower yourself. Because when you understand what to expect from them and you can identify and label their behaviors, it can really take the sting out of some of it. It’s a way that you can reassure yourself that it really ISN’T you, that their manipulation and drama is always all about them and their own issues. You just happen to be one of the cogs in their toxic machine – at least until you figure them out. Speaking of which, here’s what to expect when the narcissist knows you have figured them out. Take a look right now, if you have time. It’ll give you some real insight into their psychology.

Question of the Day: Have you ever encountered a narcissist who wouldn’t answer your questions? How did you handle it? What tips would you offer your fellow survivors who are dealing with this issue? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it!

 

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