Narcissistic Abuse: The Disgusting Truth About People Who Don’t Go No Contact

Narcissistic Abuse: The Disgusting Truth About People Who Don’t Go No Contact


(Prefer to watch/listen rather than read? See video here) I have to be honest. In all the years I’ve been researching, writing about, and producing videos on narcissistic abuse recovery and narcissism in toxic relationships, I’ve seen the amount of “experts” go from single digits to probably thousands. In fact, the topic has become an official “niche,” which means that people who teach others how to make money online are recommending it as an option for people who don’t know what topic they want to focus on.

And while this should be a good thing because it could raise awareness of narcissistic abuse, you would be shocked at how often I see my own content repeated and rewritten on sites that appear quite professional. Though I am certain that many of these new experts are actual survivors of narcissistic abuse who are doing what they do for good reasons, there’s one particular bunch I need to complain about for just a minute: all of these so-called coaches who think there’s only one way to go when it comes to dealing with narcissists in your life. They don’t consider any individual person’s situation, and they refuse to imagine any possibility in which it’s not possible to completely cut someone out of your life. And that’s because they just don’t get it – but they also don’t realize (or don’t care) how painfully invalidating this can be for victims and survivors of toxic relationships.

Because I’m here to tell you, it is not always possible, at least not immediately. And quite honestly, I have repeatedly found that people who have not experienced truly toxic relationships don’t really understand the depth of trauma bonding, not to mention the isolation factor and the financial abuse and control that comes along with them. And anyone who hasn’t been there really cannot understand the complicated nature of a narcissist’s manipulation and control tactics, which, in my opinion and experience, means they should not be coaching anyone on this topic and they shouldn’t be creating content that is meant for people who are dealing with it.

So, let’s talk about it. Here is what happened.

Today, after hearing from yet another survivor that a particular coach (with whom she paid for a session) berated and belittled her for not being able to just go no contact with her narcissistic partner, I felt like I was going to lose it.  That coach and anyone else who are die-hard no contact pushers are doing survivors a disservice, and to be perfectly honest, I think these people just need to stop it, to put it politely.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The fact is that going no contact works remarkably well for healing after a toxic relationship. And of COURSE, I recommend it – we all know that no contact is the ideal solution to dealing with and healing from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. But the truth is that it isn’t always an option for everyone who has to deal with narcissists for a bunch of different reasons.

For example, maybe you have to live with a narcissistic parent for financial reasons, or you’re unwilling to go no contact with your entire extended family, and you know they won’t or can’t choose you over the toxic family member you’re dealing with. Or you’re working on leaving your narcissistic partner, but haven’t figured out all the logistics yet. There’s also a possibility that you’re dealing with a narcissist at work, and you are not in a position where you can change jobs so easily which means you will have to keep dealing with the narcissistic co-worker or worse, manager. Maybe the narcissist lives next door and you aren’t able to just sell your home and move right away – if at all. Or, and this is probably what I hear more than anything else, you might have to co-parent with a narcissistic ex.

Those are really tough situations as it is, and it frustrates me how often coaches and therapists will tell people in these situations they’re wrong for not going no contact because I get it from a personal perspective. The truth is that it took me a while to figure out how to leave my own ex for with a baby for both financial and logistical reasons. It makes me so angry because quite honestly, anyone who has to deal with a toxic narcissist is already dealing with enough self-doubt and invalidation on a daily basis. They just don’t need any added stress and they don’t need anyone else telling them they’re wrong for something they really can’t control.

So, please hear me on this one, my friend. The truth is, whether we like to admit it or not, there are some situations where it just plain is not an option – at least not immediately.

And while I’ll admit that it is very difficult, if not completely impossible, to fully heal while you’re still dealing with a narcissist on a daily basis, there are certain things you can do to make life a little less difficult while you’re there, and there are things you can do to begin to work toward healing in the process. Let me fill you in.

How to Deal with a Narcissist When No Contact is Not an Option

When you find yourself enmeshed in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, even though you realize your best option would be to leave or go no-contact, it isn’t always a real possibility in every situation. Sometimes, you just want things to go smoothly – you’re not in the mood for a narcissist’s usual games, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. And there are plenty of times when you’re certainly not feeling like fending off any narcissistic rage, or narcissistic injury.

Let’s talk about five ways to manage the narcissist even if you are unable to go no contact. And if you stick with me through the end, I’ll share one more – a little bonus for you. It’s my own personal secret technique that will help you manage any narcissist you can’t go no contact with. In fact, this technique will work on literally almost any difficult person you come across.

Respond To The Narcissist Without Reacting

You already know how much the narcissist enjoys controlling and manipulating you by triggering your emotions. And, I’m sure you’re well aware that they deliberately say hurtful or dishonest things to evoke emotional outbursts from you. And you might even know that they do this intentionally to make you feel crazy – and to make you look crazy to others – because they want to keep you isolated and under their control. But as frustrating and overwhelming as this can be, if you want to manage a narcissist’s abusive behavior, what you need to do is to be as cool as a cucumber – no matter how hurtful the narcissist is to you. This will be challenging because they will always do what they can to provoke you into blowing up. But if you give them logical, calm, and relatively cordial answers that lack emotion, they will get bored and eventually move on to a different tactic. You can also use the grey rock method, which is both proven and highly recommended. This is where you give really boring one-word answers without reacting and without emotion to push them away.

Keep Your Boundaries Firm

If you are unsure of how to create firm boundaries, then you must learn to do that first. To do that, take a few minutes and decide what is and what is not acceptable to you. Then, you’ll want to make it clear which behaviors you will tolerate and which ones you will not. For instance, if you are co-parenting and you don’t want the narcissistic ex to keep calling you every time your kid farts during their visit, then you make it firm that you will only want to communicate through email or a court-approved app, unless it’s an absolute emergency. And, take steps toward being independent of the narcissist’s help as much as possible – or at least do what you can to limit your dependency on any narcissist. The more independent you are, the less you will have to deal with them.

Make Sure You Have A Solid Support System

When you are unable to go no contact with a narcissist, you will be stressed enough as it is. Make sure you build yourself a solid support system of friends who will understand what you are going through. Now, I’m well-aware that many of us have very few people in real life who really get it, and that’s why I recommend that you get involved with a narcissistic abuse recovery support group. In addition to various local groups you can find at meetup.com, there are also many online support groups, including our top-rated and absolutely free QueenBeeing SPANily groups. In any case, you need access to people who really get it – and you want to make sure you are not all alone in this so that when something upsetting happens caused by the narcissist, you have someone to vent to who will listen and support you.

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

This is difficult, but you’ve got to remember who you are dealing with here. You must remind yourself as difficult as it is having to deal with a narcissist that you cannot kick out of your life that they will not change. They are ridiculously limited, so recognize those limitations. See them for who they are, and use this awareness to help you see that you really aren’t the problem. The fact is that narcissists have so many shocking similarities among them, regardless of age, financial status, culture, religion, sex, or location, that it almost feels like there’s a narcissist playbook.  Just remember, you don’t have to like it, but you do need to remember that they will not change and despite what they might pretend, they will always keep doing what they do. In other words, and I’m sorry to have to tell you this, never have hope that the narcissist will all of a sudden treat you with love and respect, because sadly they won’t.

Nurture Yourself

You must take good care of yourself such as getting the sleep you need, get some exercise, eat healthily, and engage in your hobbies, your spiritual beliefs, and anything else that makes you happy. Never allow the narcissist to take that away from you. Never allow them to have that kind of power over you. Self-care is critical when you are dealing with a narcissist.

Are you still with me? Okay, this is where I’m going to share my own secret narcissist management technique with you. It is only two steps, and it is both ethical and repeatable.

Use This Technique to Manage Any Narcissist in Any Situation

You want to know how to make a narcissist be nice to you, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Well, I’m going to tell you how to do that right now, because sometimes, you just want first aid – a quick and simple way to make life easier for a while – to make the narcissist just BE NICE TO YOU.

PLEASE NOTE: This ONLY works if you ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER OF A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE REACTION!

Step One: Do not reward “bad” behavior with the narcissist’s desired reaction. So: Your only response to negative behavior is “GRAY ROCK.” Now, you’re going to want to be super careful here and stay calm, even when the inevitable happens – because this can and may induce narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury, and extreme gaslighting. You may feel angry or upset -but DO NOT show it, no matter what. Stay positive and polite.

Step Two: Reward “good” behavior with what the narcissist needs from you: love, admiration, and his or her proper place on the pedestal. When the narc behaves him or herself, even if you recognize it as love bombing or idealization, bestow all the love and admiration you can on him/her — tell him/her how amazing and wonderful and perfect they are – and do it as sincerely if you can. AND: This can even work if you’re dealing with an ex in a co-parenting situation or a boss or co-worker – just adjust to make it appropriate for the situation.

Using this technique will cause the narcissist to indirectly realize that you’re not going to give them your emotional energy unless they are kind to you. Your emotional energy and focus on the narcissist is pure narcissistic supply – and they need that. So what will happen is that most of the time, if you stick it out, they’ll try to be at least polite if not go into the love-bombing mode. That means that you’ll essentially be training them to be nice to you by only giving them narcissistic supply when they treat you nicely.

Bottom line? Don’t expect miracles – narcissists don’t change, even if it is theoretically possible. So make sure you understand that this will be your new way of life if you do stick around forever.

Worth noting: You’ll have to be consistent if you want this to work. You can NEVER stop these practices if you hope to keep this thing going. The narc will absolutely and repeatedly try the various “bad” behaviors – aka manipulation and abuse tactics – and you will need to be very in control of your emotions to make this happen. BUT you CAN do it, if you choose to.

With all of that being said, I hope you’ll take comfort in knowing that as difficult as things are right now, it won’t last forever. One day you will be able to go no contact, one way or another, should you choose that. Eventually, you will have a well-enough paying job that will allow you to leave home if you are dealing with a narcissistic parent or partner. Eventually, you will be able to find another opportunity for the right job if you are dealing with a narcissistic coworker or boss. And eventually, your kids will reach 18 which means you will no longer have to deal with the narcissistic ex.

Question of the Day: Can you relate? Are we on the same page or do you think I’m wrong? Share your thoughts, share your ideas and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s discuss it. 

You might also like these videos:

When You Go No Contact with a Narcissist: 109 Things You Can Stop Worrying About

When You Go No Contact with a Narcissist: 109 Things You Can Stop Worrying About

You know what you gain when you leave the narcissist. But what will you lose? Everyone’s always telling you how much better life will be when you leave a narcissist right? They tell you what you’ll gain – your freedom, your peace, etc.

But they never tell you exactly what you’ll lose when you go no contact or when you break up with the narcissist. In this video, I’ll tell you 109 things that you lose when you lose the narcissist. This list was compiled after a survey of more than 100k people in our SPANily narcissistic abuse recovery support groups. 

109 Things You Can Stop Worrying About When You Go No Contact with a Narcissist

  1. No more of not having anyone to share in your accomplishments or appreciate your talents, because the narc doesn’t want to share the limelight.
  2. Being able to express your opinion without being accused of wanting to argue.
  3. Being able to have a collection and not be called a hoarder.
  4. Being able to be tired or sick without someone being pissed off because you’re not taking care of them.
  5. Being able to watch tv!
  6. Being able to play Xbox!
  7. Being allowed to stay up as long as you want to!
  8. Not having to explain why your interests are not weird!
  9. Being able to have an interest!
  10. Being able to have a holiday that’s not ruined – or a birthday!
  11. No more hiding from the neighbors, so they can’t ask you questions!
  12. Being allowed to raise your kids lovingly without paying the consequences!
  13. Being able to say what I like and want matters!
  14. no more tears and confusion!
  15. No more name-calling
  16. No more narcissists saying they are playing when confronted
  17. No more hearing, “If I don’t give you a hard time, who will?”
  18. Not having your immune system damaged, lowered, compromised, and destroyed leading to depression, illnesses and death.  If the narc has financial incentives to see you dead, it all adds up.
  19. No more lies
  20. No emotional blackmail
  21. No more narcissistic rage
  22. No more emotional abuse
  23. No more discouraging you
  24. No more constant fault finding
  25. No more confusion
  26. No more of that feeling of terror just before and during a physical attack.
  27. No more getting abuse for looking the wrong direction
  28. No more catching a disease from the narc and then s/he’s jealous because you are getting medical attention for said disease.
  29. Fearing for my life and the life of my pet.
  30. Fearing his or her calling the police on me for breaking the peace because I’m crying over her/his raging.
  31. Watching him destroy the lives of his/her kids.
  32. Having his ex-wife and another female friend in my bedroom, as I sleep or not.
  33. Not having any of my things welcome in the home s/he wants me to share with him/her.
  34. Not being stopped when I want to visit with family.
  35. Not being stopped from sleeping all night, and not being stopped when I’ve decided I’m tired.
  36. Not being forced to watch filth on tv and video.
  37. No more “Hurry! Go to bed your dad’s home!” and yelling at my children so he didn’t.
  38. No more dealing with a narcissist crushing/making fun of your goals and dreams
  39. No more buying things for yourself and having them get broken
  40. No more defending myself of BS.
  41. No more starting every conversation with “now please don’t get pissed, but…”
  42. No more hearing a narcissist criticize my voice on phone calls and say they knew something was wrong.
  43. No more having my quietness evaluated or being criticized for “a look a narcissist claimed I had”
  44. No more being teased about my eyes.
  45. No more being criticized for my looks.
  46. No more hearing that I was a big girl; or being asked how much I weighed.
  47. No more walking on eggshells
  48. No more narcissist acting like they want to see you out of kindness but they’re broke, need food, need bus money/ a ride, and need clean laundry and play it like they’re doing you a favor by gracing you with their awesome company
  49. No more escalating violence because she knows the law is on a female’s side and guys are guilty until proven innocent.
  50. No more watching the narcissist check out young men/women half my age and then blaming me for paranoia.
  51. No more sheer terror over uncovering complex lies, betrayal and deceit.
  52. No more being fearful for my life over discovering the lies.
  53. No more being lied about to police officers and being falsely thrown into jail for a day.
  54. No more starving literally for love and food.
  55. No more flying monkey shit head dumb ass fucks.
  56. No more trauma.
  57. No more gaslighting.
  58. No more being threatened to be homeless.
  59. No more stupid idiots surrounding me making me stupider emotionally and intellectually.
  60. No more having my shit stolen.
  61. Not having to worry that the narcissist isn’t answering the phone on break time and learning later that they were in the car with someone else of the opposite sex.
  62. No more porn in the DVD, on the computer, under the bed, in the shed, on top of the cupboard, in our caravan, in his truck, bedside drawer, on his phone, on his work computer.
  63. No more paranoia about where the narcissist is at
  64. No more finding Viagra in his car, stripper cards hidden in the kitchen, and the proclamations “dindu nuffin”
  65. No more caring what his/her stupid followers think of me and wondering what I have done now for all the negative judgments.
  66. No more having to be a designated driver because the narc will always get drunk &/or stoned to “have a good time”.
  67. No more being called too sensitive
  68. No more cyberstalking
  69. no longer being told you need to go to church
  70. No more having to get tested for aids
  71. No more being ditched on holidays
  72. No more having to cancel everything I plan
  73. No more contact!
  74. Being glad to be alive now that I know how to identify these beasts.
  75. Not having to deal with the narcissist’s screams at midnight or later, waking up all the neighborhood, just because I told them something they didn’t like or I told them if they didn’t change, I would leave.
  76. Not being abused anymore, treated as an object, with no emotions, no love, no feelings.
  77. Not having to deal anymore with the devastation in my kid’s eyes because the narcissist didn’t keep their promises towards them. or toward me.
  78. No more having to pretend I’m dumb and that I believed the lies.
  79. No more bending over backward trying to please my narcissist ex
  80. No more being ignored after sex even if you did everything just the way the narcissist wanted.
  81. No more feeling so alone and unloved and finally realizing you thought you were sharing your soul, but to the narcissist, the act had no meaning.
  82. No more being just an “appliance” the narcissist used.
  83. No more being repeatedly discarded.
  84. No more being looked at with dead or empty eyes.
  85. No more not ever being apologized to.
  86. No more having to share your life and living space with a complete and total monster.
  87. No more having to “loan” the narcissist money.
  88. No more having to prove myself and being afraid of expressing myself
  89. No more getting in trouble for missed days at work during discards and devalues
  90. No more fearing their mood swings.
  91. No more turning down friends invites for dinner fearing the narcissist would get jealous.
  92. No more head games.
  93. No more being accused of having someone in bed with me when the narcissist would call.
  94. No more feeling nervous when they would drive 100 mph and hearing the narcissist was a good driver and that cars are made to drive fast blah blah blah)
  95. No more thinking I’m crazy.
  96. No more being called horrible names.
  97. No more getting the silent treatment and no more of me being blamed for leaving
  98. No more hearing that “I don’t try hard enough and I should’ve hugged the narcissist”
  99. No more crying and not being able to wear makeup.
  100. No more fearing to shave my legs because that meant I “went out” the night before.
  101. No more being forced to do things when I wasn’t feeling up to it.
  102. No more cringing when he/she would walk out of stores without paying for stuff.
  103. No more babysitting the narcissist’s kid even though they were awful the night before.
  104. No more being told that medicine is bad and that I shouldn’t take Advil or Excedrin meanwhile (when the narc did drugs) ?
  105. No more hearing the narcissist brag about how good they are at their job and without them, they are all probably dying of boredom.
  106. No more lying to my kids as to why I’m crying (that still hurts)
  107. No more of the narcissist’s stupid “I’m so spiritual” speeches yet they didn’t know what the hell they were talking about.
  108. No more broken promises.
  109. No longer being accused of everything that goes wrong in the world.

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