What Happens When You Abandon The Narcissist?

What Happens When You Abandon The Narcissist?

If you’ve decided that the narcissist in your life is not healthy for you, there will come the moment when you realize that it’s time to walk away. But, unfortunately, no matter how much you try, nothing changes, and the abuse continues.

Are you planning to abandon a narcissist?

If you plan to abandon the narcissist in your life, you should know first that you’re most certainly not alone. Unfortunately, the unfortunate truth is that thousands of men and women experience emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist. While this is terrible news for humanity, it’s good news for you today because our research and experience allow you a glimpse into the psychology of the narcissist and a play-by-play guide for exactly what to expect when you leave a narcissist.

It’s a painful realization to reach that point of giving up, but this is what is necessary if things aren’t going to change. This is when you have the greatest risk of narcissist retaliation if the narcissist thinks you’re planning on leaving them. Once you decide that it’s time, the final stage of implementing this can take place. Deciding to abandon a narcissist is scary, especially since a part of you misses the person you signed up for and how they used to be so kind and caring before everything changed.

Discovering That You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

Maybe there was a specific incident (or several) that you feel caused them to become disillusioned with you, and so you spent months or years trying to make up for whatever damage they claimed you caused.

And you might have found yourself Googling about how you could become more like what the narcissist in your life really seemed to want, right? But then you ran across something that blew your mind – you found out about narcissism, or more specifically, narcissistic personality disorder.

As you read through the checklist or article you found or watched the video you clicked on, and a lightbulb went on in your head. Your brain almost hurt from the heavy realization you had at that moment: after all the months or years you’ve been blaming yourself, it turned out that it wasn’t you after all.

You suddenly understood that this person matched up to the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. And that even if they weren’t diagnosed, they clearly demonstrated the trademark behaviors. You didn’t know if you were happy or super angry that you’d been unfairly beating yourself up for all this time. You weren’t sure whether to be upset that you had bent over backward to prove yourself to someone who would never see you. You struggled with the idea that you wasted so much of your life trying to make them happy when it would turn out that even if you were literally perfect, they would never be satisfied.

In other words, you recognized that this person who you now know as the narcissist in your life has actually done nothing but abuse and devalue you as they see fit and at any given moment for almost as long as you can remember. Are you worried you might be wrong, and this person isn’t a narcissist? If so, take our free toxic relationship test or look at this video, which offers signs that you’re in love with a narcissist. 

Making the Decision to Leave the Narcissist

Maybe you thought something was wrong with you at first. You couldn’t understand how someone could treat you the way this person has treated you, so you assumed you must be the problem. Maybe you thought that if only you could somehow “fix” whatever the narcissist claimed was wrong with you, and things would finally change.

But now, you’re over it, and you want out. You crave (and deserve) freedom, and you have taken the time to create your escape plan to go no contact or low contact.

You would love to abandon the narcissist completely. But you want to know what to expect. And if you’re honest, you are understandably concerned about what consequences you could face if you take off and leave the narcissist.

Why is it so difficult to abandon the narcissist? 

Let’s face it – the reasons you might be hesitant to leave the narcissist are many. Not only are you highly likely to be trauma bonded to them, thanks to years or even decades of abuse, but you might be dealing with a fear of abandonment and some attachment issues of your own.

And, quite honestly, you’re at least a little bit afraid of them.

You have seen the narcissist fly into an unreasonable narcissistic rage for the smallest of reasons. And anytime the rage didn’t give them the results they wanted, you’ve witnessed them using narcissistic injury, also known as the “poor me” act, as a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. Unfortunately, this has been a problem in your life more often than you care to admit.

But now that you’re finally done and you’re ready to get the heck out of dodge, you are fully expecting all hell to break loose. You know that it won’t go easily, and you suspect that the narcissist will do anything literally in their power to stop you, especially because you leaving means them losing the one thing they cannot do without – narcissistic supply.

And, if you’re like most survivors, you’re worried about what they will do if you leave.

What can you expect when you abandon the narcissist?

The early part of the no contact journey is no picnic, so when you abandon the narcissist, you can expect to deal with various manipulation tactics, including the following.

The narcissist will beg you to stay.

The narcissist might beg you to stay – or even try to talk you out of leaving. You may even hear things like, “You’ll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do,” or “You’re going to regret this in the long run.” But, then, they will start love-bombing you again and suddenly become the “perfect partner,” and they’ll seem so sincere. Naturally, you will want to believe them, and you will find it nearly impossible to leave if you indulge in this little fantasy at all. Just remember that once they’ve got you firmly back in their grip, they’ll quickly return to their old ways.

The narcissist will guilt-trip you.

The narcissist will try to make you feel guilty for abandoning them. Then, they will suddenly forget that they ever treated you anything but like royalty. In general, narcissists are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, and the narcissistic guilt trip takes things to a whole new level. Not only is the narcissist well-aware of your “buttons” (which they will happily push at any given moment to get what they want), but they have literally no limits to the levels to which they will stoop. This video offers insight into managing your guilt when you abandon the narcissist.

The narcissist will threaten you.

In many cases, the narcissist will (at least threaten to) stoop to any level to get revenge. You may even hear things like, “If you leave, I’ll tell everyone what a bad person you are” or “If you walk out that door, don’t ever expect me to let you back in!” Remember that even if you choose to stay, they’ll start a smear campaign about you if they haven’t already. So don’t try to reason with them, and don’t make excuses. If you’re afraid they will physically hurt you or your kids, be really intentional in your planning and do your best to avoid confrontation as you exit. If possible, leave and don’t say anything to the narcissist until you’re safely away. This video offers insight into what to do if the narcissist snaps on you. 

The narcissist will stalk and harass you. 

Expect to be stalked and harassed by the narcissist after you abandon them, especially if they have no other sources of narcissistic supply. If they have other sources of supply, they may still stalk you, but it might be less intense or not at all, depending on the situation. Still, it’s important to remember that for the narcissist, this supply can literally feel like a requirement for them – like air or water. So, whether it’s immediately or later down the line, you should be aware that abandoning a narcissist can lead to stalking. If you’re concerned about an existing stalker or you already know that the narcissist in your own life will become a stalker, be sure to grab my free stalker safety kit, right here, so you can take precautions and keep yourself safe. This video also offers insight into how to keep yourself safe from a stalker. 

The narcissist will hoover you.

If the narcissist in your life is not already engaging with a replacement for you, then you can expect to be hoovered. Named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, “hoovering” happens when the narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after the discard. This can be drama-related or an attempt to reconcile the relationship – or, in some cases, an attempt to get you to break no contact once you do get away.

You can expect the narcissist to hoover since you are one of their primary sources of narcissistic supply – and sometimes, the only one. When you unexpectedly cut off that source of supply, the narcissist will be like a vampire who goes without blood for too long. They’ll do anything to get a little taste of it – if they’re in need anyway. They will send you texts such as “Can we please talk?” or “I miss you, please come back.”

Now listen – this next part is hard and will take a ton of willpower, but you’ve got to hold your ground here. Don’t answer their texts. Please don’t respond to their repeated efforts to contact you on social media. Block them and their usual flying monkeys – and if they show up at your door? You don’t answer it. If they won’t leave and are causing a scene? Call the police and have them removed. 

This video offers insight into why narcissists hoover and how to prevent yourself from falling back into that toxic, abusive mess they claim is a relationship.

And speaking of flying monkeys, this brings me to my next point.

The narcissist will engage their flying monkeys in triangulation.

Here’s where the narcissist will employ these so-called flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are just people who willingly or otherwise do the narcissist’s bidding and support their agenda. In other words, they enable the narcissist’s games and manipulation, whether they do it willingly or the narcissist manipulates them into helping.  If the hoover doesn’t work, and sometimes even before they try the hoover, the narcissist will pull out the triangulation card.

Triangulation is, unfortunately, a prevalent manipulation tactic often employed by narcissists; this is when the narcissist communicates as a third party between two people but prevents the two from communicating directly through either manipulating or controlling at least one of them.

So, in this case, because the narcissist may be desperate to get in touch with you for a bit of supply or to cause you more stress and pain (which, if we are honest, is also supply), they’re going to start reaching out to people who will help them by telling you “how worried they are” or “how sad the narcissist seems” since you left, or whatever. This video offers insight into dealing with flying monkeys and the smear campaign. 

The narcissist will flaunt their new source of supply in your face.

Alternatively, the narcissist may quickly scoop up a new person to be their source of narcissistic supply. And, once they’ve got that poor unsuspecting soul in place, you know what they’ll do, right? They will try to use this to hurt you. So, they will try to contact you to fill you in on their “good fortune.” They’ll want you to know how much better they get along with the new supply – and how that person “gets them” in ways you never could.

Of course, they’ll take all the supply they can get, right? So you know they’ll be posting all over their social accounts, telling the world about this new and amazing person they have finally found. They’ll proclaim that this person is their new soulmate and even insult you indirectly in the process by either not acknowledging that you ever existed or by directly pointing out how much better they are with the new person. They will conveniently forget how a similar thing happened when they met you – that they once thought you were their amazing soulmate who could do no wrong and who just “got them” in ways their ex never could. Ahem. Yep, it’s a typical narcissistic cycle of abuse. Anyhoo…

They will try to call you or send you messages to brag about them, hoping that they will get a rise out of you. Of course, the best thing to do is ignore the messages and block their number and social media profiles. If you get any strange friend requests or follows from new accounts that look suspicious, then you will want to block those as well. This video offers insight into how to deal with the narcissist getting a new supply.

The narcissist will run smear campaigns.

Remember how I mentioned smear campaigns before? Well, not only is the narcissist is worried that you will expose who they are, but they’re also going to need a replacement supply and fast! So, they’re going to tell everyone a big sob story, and they’re going to try to tell everyone what a terrible person you are.  They will attempt to ruin your reputation among your family and friends, and if possible, they’ll even try to get you fired from your job. The narcissist can also threaten you by leaking your personal and private information in public. Be careful to avoid engaging with their rumors and lies. Instead, if someone you feel deserves an explanation asks you, then you can explain yourself just one time. If the person appears not to believe you or continues to act as a flying monkey on the narcissist’s behalf, you can step away emotionally until you’re feeling more healed – and at that time, you can decide whether you’d like to keep that person in your life. This video offers insight into dealing with the narcissist’s smear campaign.

Should you abandon the narcissist? 

Given all of the information shared here, you might feel a little doubtful about your decision to leave the narcissist. Worse, you might find that things are still not resolved, and more damage is done by separating from the narcissist. But while it won’t necessarily be easy, it will certainly be worth your time and trouble. And now that you know what to expect when you abandon a narcissist, you can be prepared and protect yourself along the way. This video offers insight into creating your exit plan safely.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

How To Make The Narcissist Respect You (The Only Way)

How To Make The Narcissist Respect You (The Only Way)


(Prefer to listen/watch? See video on YouTube)

There was probably a time when you believed that the narcissist in your life actually respected you, right?  I mean, why else would they have treated you so well? During the love-bombing (idealization) phase, the narcissist is head-over-heels, without a doubt absolutely infatuated with you! So, of course, they’re on their best behavior. They treat you like you’re really important and special – even put you on a pedestal. You don’t treat someone this way unless you respect them. Right?

But then, the devalue phase hit for the first time. And it all fell down around you. You were left spinning, wondering what the heck just happened. If you’re anything like me, you needed to figure it out. That probably led you to research the situation, which led you here, eventually.

Recognizing the Narcissist’s Cycle of Abuse

If that sounds familiar, then I would guess that, since then, you’ve learned the unfortunate truth about this toxic person in the most difficult way possible. If that’s the case, then the following should resonate with you, at least on some level.

As it turns out, the narcissist does not respect you, and that incredible connection you felt at the beginning of the relationship wasn’t genuine at all. In fact, the narcissist was love bombing you, and this was part of a definable, repeatable pattern of narcissists in toxic relationships.

In other words, if the narcissist was not a family member, when you met them,  they were in acquisition mode and you were the target. Once they were sure they had you in their clutches, they started treating you…well, a little different. And if the narcissist was a part of your family, they’d be running a similar cycle with you for your whole life.

But in either case, there was a time when you found yourself in the devalue phase, and this is where you first started to realize what was going on. You immediately became aware of the fact that the narcissist didn’t respect you even a little bit. In fact, with every word that came out of their mouth and with every passing moment, they became increasingly abusive, dragging your self-worth into the dirt, making you feel like you didn’t matter at all.

As devastating as this realization was, part of you felt some relief when you realized it wasn’t you – that you weren’t, in fact, the problem in the relationship, as you’d been led to believe.

As your relationship progressed, you may have even forgotten what it felt like to be respected at all. Speaking of respect, does the narcissist really respect anyone at all? Like, ever? Well, yes, and no. It’s complicated. See, we know that your average narcissist seems to think that they are the only ones in the world who are important and everyone else is beneath them. In other words, they feel special and entitled to special privileges and gifts that not everyone gets.

I have literally heard more than one narcissist say they believe that on some level, the world revolves around them. And since that is the case, how can the narcissist ever respect you? Let’s talk about it.

Can you make a narcissist respect you?

First, we should agree on what we mean by ‘respect,’ exactly.

Respect can be defined as someone feeling positively toward you as a person. It might also mean being considered important by someone else, and it means that the person respecting you clearly sees and admires your good qualities. It means that they hold you in high regard and are obviously aware of your individual value as a person and a unique, separate entity from themselves (as opposed to an extension of self). It means they treat you in a way that makes you feel good, or at least comfortable.

Is it possible for a narcissist to respect anyone, based on that definition of respect? Maybe. But they generally don’t. Instead, they’ll see you as an object or an extension of themselves. Or, if you’re an authority figure, they’ll be kinder to you and may even appear to respect you, but secretly, they’ll be calculating how they can benefit from knowing you – or worse, depending on the relationship you have, how quickly they can take your place. The truth is that your average narcissist really respects no one at all, with the exception of MAYBE themselves – but even then, their understanding of the concept of respect is skewed and twisted, thanks to their incredibly low EQ.

Some people will advise you that learning to respect yourself is the key to making a narcissist respect you. And listen – I want that to be true, too. But it just isn’t – at least not when you’re talking about functional respect. What I mean is that when you combine the narcissist’s lack of compassion and emotional empathy with their inability to see you as a whole person, you get someone who doesn’t care how you feel and who thinks you don’t matter. Those ingredients do not add up to respect in any form.

What if you leave the narcissist? Won’t they respect you then?

A lot of people think and will advise that leaving the narcissist will make them respect you. While it might be true on some level and in some cases, it won’t cause them to change and become better people. Sadly, leaving a narcissist will only make them angry, sad, desperate, and/or apathetic, depending on whether they have secured alternate narcissistic supply beforehand. In any case, though, they will still not respect you. They will instead start a smear campaign by first lying about you and often projecting their own sins onto you during their ongoing sob story which helps them to secure more narcissistic supply (because people feel sorry for them, as you might have early in your own relationship, and are compelled to support them).

How to Get the Respect You Deserve

You might not like what I’m about to say, but if you know me, then you know I tell it like it is. Here’s the deal. No one is going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. Okay, maybe some people will. I will. Still, there’s something about a person who lacks self-respect that sometimes causes even the least toxic people to take advantage of them. And there’s just no reason to vibrate this way. When you learn to respect yourself, you teach others how to treat you almost without even trying, because your standards go up and you naturally enforce your personal boundaries.

But am I saying that the narcissist will be among those who respect you when you learn to respect yourself, after all? No, not exactly. Let’s talk about it,

See, while learning to love and respect yourself will help you to stop accepting the abuse the narcissist dishes out so often, it will certainly not cause them to respect you – at least not in any functional way. BUT…all is not lost!

The good news is that if you do manage to develop your self-image to the point that you are okay with – and maybe even love – who you are, you’ll show them that you will no longer tolerate their BS. Then, be sure to take good care of yourself, inside and out. And as you beam with genuine confidence and you move away from your codependency with the narcissist, something crazy might happen. You might find a way to leave.

And then, my friend, you might find a way to create a life that you love, for real.

Just…stop for a second, and breathe. Imagine with me for a moment that you no longer have to put up with the drama and misery that goes along with the narcissist and that you’ve created the life you really want. What does it look like? Who is involved? Where do you live?  What do you do? How does your ideal life look? Take a few minutes and journal on it!

The narcissist helped to create your codependency.

Your codependency was at least in part sort of co-created by the narcissist in your life. They taught you to be afraid of them, their moods, and their general presence. They taught you that you didn’t matter without them and that if you didn’t go along with what they wanted, that you were bad and/or invisible. In either case, you’d be punished in various ways and this along with all of the emotional and psychological abuse you deal with throughout your relationship with the narcissist will become the basis for your damage – your trauma. It will become the reason you’ll recognize you might be dealing with C-PTSD symptoms and the reason you literally doubt yourself, your reality, and your ability to function like a normal human in the world.

You have to remember something. Narcissists prey on you by leaning into the trauma they’ve created in you. They’ve caused you to lose your self-confidence, thanks to years of ongoing abuse, and this has caused you to give in to their manipulative ways. They prey on you because they think they can, and because, until now, you may have tolerated it. But, guess what? You don’t have to take it anymore. You deserve to be happy, to feel peaceful, and to feel SAFE in your home. The narcissist takes all of that away from you – and my friend, you deserve better.

How to Deal with the Lack of Respect

If you have struggled with narcissistic abuse, you will want to focus on what you can do to first heal, and then you’ll want to work on becoming the person you truly want to be. This will help you along the path of learning to first accept and then to love and respect yourself. It might feel like letting yourself feel empowered in the narcissist’s presence more difficult at least at first – and that is usually true. So, if you need to, practice with people who you trust and even strangers out in the world.

And remember: Going no contact is a form of self-care. If you were the sort of person who really wanted revenge on the narcissist, remember that the narcissist needs narcissistic supply like a vampire needs blood – and going no contact will remove you (and therefore their source of narcissistic supply, or at least one of them).

So, while the narcissist isn’t capable of functional respect (as in the kind of respect that causes them to treat you compassionately, civilly, and as an equal), leaving them in the dust while you go and have an intentionally created life that you actually love? Well, that’ll make them realize that not only did they lose the best thing that ever happened to them, but also that they’ve underestimated you and maybe even that you’re too good for them. But either way, you’ll be the one winning the relationship, much to their chagrin.

You Have to Respect Yourself First

This part is really important. When we are enmeshed in relationships with toxic people, we often put our own self-respect on the back burner – and that’s IF we’ve ever had any to begin with. See, when we are raised by toxic people or when we experience significant trauma in childhood, we learn that our own self-respect is a problem for other people. We learn that in order to get love and validation, we need to become what others want us to be. And when we can’t become something we’re not, we lose respect for ourselves – but even if we CAN become what others want us to be, we end up putting our own desires, strengths, passions, and talents aside in order to keep those people happy. This leads to a feeling of something being “just not right,” or we feel like something is “missing” from our lives. Even if we’re self-aware enough to know exactly what is missing, we don’t see a way to actually make it happen without upsetting someone – so we just…don’t.

All of that rolled up in a big ugly ball leads us to not respect ourselves. And when we don’t respect ourselves, we are inadvertently accepting unacceptable treatment from people who do not even deserve our time. So when we start respecting ourselves, we STOP accepting that behavior.

How do you learn to respect yourself?

It all starts with learning to first accept yourself, completely, without condition, as you are in any given moment. This is a tough one for someone who has been abused by a narcissist because it feels almost unnatural to say to yourself: “I am okay with myself right now, in this moment, flaws and all.” 

But push past that and give it a shot. Make sure you listen carefully to that little “inner voice” that is always taking in your head – your inner dialogue. And correct it when it is wrong. Correct it when it sounds less like you and more like the toxic people in your life.  Journal often, and honestly. Speak about yourself kindly or at least without negativity – to yourself and to others.

Don’t assume that someone else’s opinion of yourself is the truth. If you’re worried about what someone else says, look closely and be honest with yourself – is there something you want to change? If not, be okay with who you are and accept that no one is perfect. It is normal and human to have flaws.

Don’t do things to gain the approval of anyone else unless it benefits you to do so. For example, you wouldn’t want to go against your morals and ethics to make a narcissist happy, but let’s say you were given the opportunity to audition for a part in a movie, and that was something you wanted to do. In that case, you might make an effort to gain the approval of the casting director, and that is okay. See the difference?

Ultimately, self-respect begins with how you treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you. When you treat yourself lie you matter, others will begin to do the same. And those who won’t? They’ll see themselves out of your life post-haste. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing!

Question of the Day: Have you ever been able to make a narcissist actually respect you? Have you tried? Share your thoughts, share your experiences, share your ideas in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it!

 

 

 

What Happens When The Narcissist Finally Snaps And Loses Control?

What Happens When The Narcissist Finally Snaps And Loses Control?


What happens when the narcissist finally snaps and loses control? (Prefer to watch or listen rather than read? See video on YouTube).

Narcissists have this way of making us feel responsible for their happiness. After dealing with one of these toxic people for years, you might even allow yourself to feel responsible for keeping them emotionally safe – or at least for making sure they have whatever they want and need at any given moment. And, if you’re anything like I was, you might even have gone to extremes to do so.

For me, this was true even when I had to do something that I didn’t want to do, like pay my bills late in order to make sure my ex had the money he needed to pay for his hobbies or whatever he wanted. Or sometimes, it would mean doing something that is even further outside of your personal ethical standards – and I won’t elaborate here, but I can’t tell you how many people have shared stories like this with me. And I have a few of my own that would knock your socks off, if I’m being honest.

The same thing happened with my narcissistic parent, but in a bit of a different way. In this case, I knew what was and was not acceptable and I’d do whatever I could to try to fit in the mold that she had created for me. Often, this was to my detriment. For example, she would cook food that she knew I did not like, and she would act upset if I refused to eat it – to put it mildly. By the time I was 8 or 9, I had taken to pretending to like food that literally made me sick to my stomach in order to please her. Worse, I would later go sneak into the fridge and eat stuff that I DID like, which would also get me in trouble. And this would lead me to a lifelong struggle with my weight.*

*Side note, I am not blaming anyone but myself for my struggles – and I’m working on getting that under control. But the truth is that my weight issues could cause serious health problems (and have, in the past), and at least the psychological part of them are partially related to the situation I described.

Does any of that ring true for you? Whether you had a narcissistic ex, or a narcissistic friend, or a parent, did you find yourself feeling the need to keep them happy? And if so, have you ever wondered exactly why? What exactly caused you to try to keep them satisfied even if that meant going above and beyond at your own expense?

Logically, if you think about it, it makes sense that you (or anyone who found themselves at the mercy of an abusive narcissist) would, right? Because you knew that if you did not give the narcissist what they wanted and needed, you would face whatever consequences they might enact. You would be the focal point of their narcissistic rage and the narcissist would even devalue you even more. That is a terrifying thought that haunts anyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

But starting the moment you realize what you have been dealing with, you’ll start to change. It will seem slow, but before you know it, you will get to the point where you begin to understand that you have been abused. You’ll realize that your boundaries have been violated over and over again by the narcissist.

That will be right around the time when you reach a point where you know that something in your life needs to change – and fast!

That’s When the Narcissist Will Snap.

The narcissist snaps because they lose control – of YOU. See, your understanding of this person and their personality issues will get clearer and more comprehensive as you study them and their typical narcissistic behaviors, checking them against videos and podcasts like this one. As this happens, you’ll find yourself thinking a little differently, and you might even stop trying to coddle and protect them from the disappointment or anger that will inevitably come when they notice you’re no longer tolerating their childish behavior.

When you realize that you’ve been actually enabling the narcissist by giving them narcissistic supply, you might even get a little angry. Your anger might propel you forward and you might cut their source of supply off, whether you do this in a “cold-turkey” fashion or you use a more subtle “fade-away” kind of method.

What to Expect When the Narcissist Finally Snaps and Loses Control

In any case, when you do finally have enough of the mind games and manipulation, you’ve got to know it won’t sit well with the narcissist. They feel like they cannot function without you at this point, and even though you have given of yourself to the point that it has caused you a lifetime of mental and emotional exhaustion, not to mention the possibility of physical health problems, all the narcissist knows is that they aren’t getting what they need. The fact is that there is literally nothing you could possibly do to actually be “enough” for the narcissist anyway.

But they’ll be happy to keep draining you forever if you allow it. And if you don’t – well, that’s when the narcissist will often snap and lose control. If you’ve been there, you already know how scary that can be. And what should you expect when this happens? Well, let’s talk about it.

Narcissistic Injury, Followed by Narcissistic Rage

The very thing that causes the narcissist to snap is when they endure narcissistic injury – which is a painful reminder that they are not as good as they believe. Then they become desperate for more supply. See, in any case where a narcissist gets upset, hurt, or offended – or when they don’t get special treatment or favors – or literally, anytime they don’t get what they want, they will demonstrate narcissistic injury to guilt you into doing what they want.

And once you’ve realized who they are and you’ve stopped trying to please someone who will never, ever really be satisfied…well, that’s when the narcissistic rage will set in.

Narcissistic rage is a tactic the narcissist uses when they know they’re wrong but won’t admit it, or when they don’t get what they want, or when people don’t treat them different or more special than others, or when their sense of entitlement is threatened. Basically, anytime things don’t go their way, they will get inconsolably angry in an attempt to bully or coerce you into giving them what they want.

So, once they see you won’t budge and you won’t do whatever they’re demanding in any given moment, they snap and fly into that narcissistic rage, which is also a sign of them losing control of their emotions. You can compare it to a toddler having a violent tantrum – and while they may be relatively intelligent in other ways, narcissists are about as emotionally mature as that toddler. When they are feeling unhappy, upset or angry, or put-upon in any way, they will spin out of control and stomp their feet and hold their breath, proverbially speaking. Even literally in some cases.

Devalue and Discard

When the narcissist is losing control, you can expect to deal with them tearing you down in any way they can. The devalue phase will be in full effect. This is they will beat you down emotionally, insult you (outright or covertly), and make you doubt yourself and your self-worth.

This is a typical part of the narcissist’s cycle of abuse and when they do it effectively, it can cause you to believe you don’t have a chance of finding someone better, or that you’re not worthy of love or consideration.  Don’t fall for it, my friend. The narcissist chose you for a reason – probably because you really are the amazing person they thought you were in the beginning when they were idealizing you.

In fact, it is common for narcissists to use devaluation to keep you from leaving. See, by implanting such ideas in your head, they hope you’ll feel like they’re your last resort. Again, do not fall for it! (And let’s be honest – if you’re anything like me, you realize that being alone would be far less difficult than continuing to be with someone who makes you FEEL alone.)

Loss of Narcissistic Supply Leads to Next-Level Narcissistic Abuse

Now, don’t misunderstand me here. The fact is that the narcissist will devalue you even when they are receiving ample supply from you. But if you cut it off, or even if you simply express that you also need to care for your own needs, that is enough to make the narcissist snap. And that’s when you can expect them to get REALLY mean, while they attempt to further devalue you.

When the narcissist is losing control, expect them to throw a list of insults, mistakes you’ve made, and anything else they can think of to hurt you, at you as they dig deep into your insecurities, saying anything they can think of to hurt you. Remember: there is no level to which they won’t stoop.

Inevitably this will lead to you being discarded, whether they actually leave you or not. Either literally or figuratively, the narcissist will sort of “throw you away,” as in push you out of their life. This can happen as part of a rotating cycle of abuse that can go on for decades if you let it – or it can be a final “break-up” – a sort of “showdown” of sorts which will hopefully represent the ultimate end of a toxic relationship. And despite the fact that you might think otherwise right now, trust me when I tell you that this would be the best possible outcome. Other things that might happen are far more ominous – and yes, that includes that you might actually end up staying with them or getting back together.

And, if you’re still in the relationship or you’re freshly out of it and still hurting, believe me – I know it might not feel that way now. It will feel like your life would be over if you really lost this person completely. But, listen…I promise you that one day, when you finally do get away and you start to heal, you will remember this very moment and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll know I was telling the truth.

If you’re already out and beginning to heal, then you already know! (This video goes into more detail on this topic.)

Question of the Day:  Have you ever experienced a narcissist who snapped and lost control? What was your experience like? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.

Do you need help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery process?

How can you get support in your healing from narcissistic abuse? Start with your friends and/or family members who may understand and be willing to support you. If you don’t have supportive or understanding people around you, which is often the case for survivors of narcissistic abuse due to the fact that narcissists have a tendency to isolate you, you may need to look at some other options. Here are a few to consider.

You might also find these videos helpful:

 

Why Is The Narcissist Still Obsessed With You?

Why Is The Narcissist Still Obsessed With You?


(Prefer to listen or watch instead of reading? Here’s the video on YouTube)

We recently talked about how to deal with feeling obsessed with the narcissist, even after the relationship ends. But what do you do when you’re dealing with a narcissist who is obsessed with you? And why would that even be the case? Why would a narcissist remain obsessed with you even if they’ve discarded you? Certainly, it would make more sense if you were the one who ended the relationship, but even then, how long does it go on and why does the narcissist stay so obsessed with you? Well, let’s talk about it.

After you have been discarded by the narcissist or you did that to them and went no contact, you will very often notice that they are still quite obsessed with you. As I said, it would be more understandable that they would not be able to stop thinking about you after you go no contact with them.

Why is the Narcissist Obsessed With You?

So, first, let’s talk about the why of it all. If we were to assume that narcissists are regular humans, it might look like this.

Let’s say you had a friend who ghosted you and blocked your number and contact information out of the blue. You had no idea what happened, and there was no trace of them to be seen again. Most likely, you would not be able to stop thinking about what they did. You would be quite hurt and confused. That is why it would be understandable for the narcissist to still be obsessed after you go no contact if the narcissist could be considered a regular human.

But let’s say that same friend who randomly discarded you were to also become obsessed with you at the same time. Why would they be obsessed with you if they were the ones to discard you? It was their choice to cut all ties. Why would they still care about you at all?

Well, narcissists don’t care about anyone else the same way that you or any regular person would because they lack emotional empathy and compassion. But there is one reason that narcissists are still obsessed with you, even they are the ones to discard you.

It All Boils Down To The Narcissistic Supply You Provide

The narcissist is still obsessed with you because as they see it, you are still a source of narcissistic supply,. despite what it may seem in the moment. They will take any type of supply they can get, so long as it feeds their ego –  whether it is positive or negative. The positive would be them getting praise or getting what they want, and the negative would you be getting angry and emotional with them. The supply could even be neutral such as you being there in their life alone. They need it and you have proven to be an ideal source.

The sad truth is that this is exactly why the narcissist is obsessed with you.

One thing to remember is that everyone wants to be noticed, loved, and heard, and validated. Whenever anyone dismisses your pain and suffering or amazing accomplishments, that hurts and you would understandably be upset. But narcissists crave all of that all of the time – 24/7. You as a non-narcissist only want those things when there is a good reason for it but don’t demand it because you might be secure enough to know that you are noticed and cared for under normal circumstances. The narcissist is not.

So, when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, there are three phases that you go through with them. The first phase is the love-bombing phase where you are showered with “fake” love, which makes you believe the narcissist is someone from heaven. The next phase is when they devalue you where you begin to see their true colors, and they are cruel and condescending to you. The last phase is when they discard you. And all of these phases can happen at the same time throughout the relationship. All of these phases that you go through with the narcissist provides them with the supply they need.

If they don’t get their fill pf narcissistic supply, it is like you not going with food or water for days. It is very threatening to them You are just that perfect source of supply. Even if they discard you and just leave you out of the blue to go for another source of narcissistic supply, you are still an option for them when they need you again – at least as far as they’re concerned.

And, of course, beware: there may come a time when the narcissist attempts to hoover you back into the relationship.

Bottom line? The narcissist isn’t obsessed with you in a way where they would truly miss you the same way you would miss someone else. They are obsessed with the narcissistic supply you provide. And you going no contact is the biggest threat to their ability to hold on to the potential supply you could offer in the future. In other words – it’s all about what you can do for the narcissist, not who you are or what you’re about.

Question of the Day: Have you dealt with a narcissist who was obsessed with you – or who just wouldn’t leave you alone? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it!

4 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

4 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone


(Prefer to read/listen? See video on YouTube)

If you’ve tried to end a relationship with a narcissist, or a narcissist has ended a relationship with you, there are several things you could expect to happen. They might just ghost you and appear to have fallen off the planet for a while. They might be moving forward with a new source of narcissistic supply, and that might mean they don’t bother you for a while. They might even try to hoover you back into the relationship with some made-up or exaggerated drama, or even a somewhat expected declaration of undying love.

But what are you supposed to do if the narcissist just won’t leave you alone? How do you deal with a narcissist who refuses to allow you to use no contact or low contact to heal yourself?

After all, all you want is peace. And in order to get that, you need that narcissist to leave you alone – whether it is an ex, a parent, a sibling, or a co-worker. They won’t leave you alone because you are either be a great source of supply for them or because something in them feels the need to perpetually torment you.

I think we can all agree that dealing with a narcissist is always emotionally and even physically exhausting, especially since you have to deal with their little fits of narcissistic rage if something doesn’t go their way. They can be verbally, emotionally, and psychologically controlling and abusive, and once you’ve seen them for what they are, you cannot unsee them.

Even if a part of you wishes they’d become the person they promised you in the first place, or if a part of you feels guilty, the biggest part of you knows that this person is toxic in your life and that if you’re ever going to heal and begin to create the life you truly want and deserve, you have to extricate them in no uncertain terms.

How to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

Now, obviously, learning to set strong boundaries and going no contact with a narcissist is the ideal thing to do. As uncommon as it feels and difficult as this can be, no contact can and will work with a parent or a sibling, or an ex if you don’t have to co-parent with them. It’ll work if you are dealing with a narcissistic coworker, friend, or acquaintance. In case you’re unfamiliar with no contact, it is when you literally block the narcissist from contacting you at all, you stop seeing, speaking to, and otherwise communicating with them. This, done successfully, will prevent them from harassing you.

Of course, in many cases, this leads to the inevitable hoovering stage, meaning they try to suck you back into the relationship (and that, if we’re being honest, means they’re trying to hook you back in for their own gain, usually for the narcissistic supply of some kind). Hoovers might come in the form of drama or pretending to need help with something only you can do, or even that declaration of undying love I mentioned a moment ago. When they use the hoover maneuver, the narcissist might say things such as ‘Oh I missed you’, or give fake apologies. You need to stay strong and keep your boundaries firm to not give in to them if they do that. However, if you cannot go no contact, there are other ways to get them to stop bothering you.

The first one I’m going to share with you might shock you a little. But when you’re struggling with getting a narcissist out of your life because you personally don’t want to let go, then you’ve got a big problem on your hands. While you logically know they are toxic for you, trauma bonding, abuse amnesia, and feeling lonely can be big deterrents to actually letting go of the narcissist. That brings me to number one.

1. Get Justifiably Angry

I don’t know about you, but for me, the effects of anger become very physical and if I allow myself to stay angry for long, it’s not good for me or anyone else. If I stay upset for long, I find that I get sick to my stomach, I clench my jaw and give myself headaches and I tense up every muscle in my body. It’s a miserable way to live. Have you experienced the physical effects of really strong emotions before?

But despite what some toxic gurus might tell you, anger isn’t a wasted emotion, if you use it to your advantage. And, as it turns out, it doesn’t negatively affect you physically when it is actively propelling you toward a goal that will make your life better in some way. In fact, it can definitely serve a purpose in your recovery from narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. How? Well, JUSTIFIED anger is sort of like fear with a little courage thrown in, in a way.

And if I’m being honest, ending my relationship with my narcissist was sparked by anger – I had to get angry before I could get away. Another time anger served me well was before I lost all that weight a few years ago. In order to make the long-term, difficult commitment necessary to take off 100 pounds, I had to get really mad at both myself and the world to get going.

There is such a thing as constructive anger, and it is this kind of anger that causes you to stand up and to create positive change in both yourself and your life circumstances. Sometimes, anger can help neutralize your fear and power up your gumption to get you through the hard transitions – the things you might just be afraid to conquer without that little push of emotion.

The psychology of justified anger is powerful. According to Harry Mills, Ph.D., “Anger can also be a substitute emotion. By this, we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don’t have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain.”

You have to find a way to get angry at the narcissist for all of the horrible things they’ve done to you when you’re trying to get away from them. This will not only propel you forward and keep your eye on the goal – getting the toxic poison out of your life, but it may also shock the narcissist into realizing that you’re truly done with them. With this being said, your anger should be directed toward moving forward, not any sort of direct revenge on the narcissist. This is for two reasons: first, narcissists are dangerous and if you do anything to directly take revenge on them, you can rest assured they’ll come back at you twice as hard. And second, not only do you not need any more negative energy in your life, but the very best revenge against any narcissist is to live your life well without them, taking away the thing they need the very most: narcissistic supply – and giving yourself the peace, space and time you need to heal and live your best life.

2. Get Your Emotions in Check

Sometimes, you have to deal with the narcissist for some reason. For example, you cannot go no contact with a narcissist if you are co-parenting with one, or dealing with one at work. But what you can do is grey rock them which means you become so uninteresting that the narcissist has no other choice but to leave you alone. You literally almost “become” the gray rock itself: boring, uninteresting. The narcissist might look to pick a fight due to differences in opinion or they might just want to get a rise out of you for some reason. But if you don’t make eye contact, keep your body language under control, reply with ‘uh-huh’ or ‘hmm’ and vague one-word answers, then they will give up. Basically, you refuse to show them any emotion whatsoever. This is difficult when you first try it, but when you see it working, you’ll notice the narcissist will either be sort of shocked, or they’ll actually up their manipulation game a little at first. At this point, you should feel powerful, because you’ll know it’s working. Just hold out, and eventually, they’ll realize you’re no longer going to give them the reaction they want from you, and they’ll go bother someone else.

3. Get the Narcissist Out of Your System

This is the most difficult one of all. You can do what you can to grey rock and show no emotions but eventually, you might cave if the narcissist keeps triggering you. Part of the reason they are so good at pushing your buttons is that they installed some of them – as in, their abuse has created certain triggers in you and they are quite familiar with how to dig at you in order to get those trigger-moments flowing.

So, if you’re going to get the narcissist out of your life, you have to get them out of your head. In a way, you have to do a ‘detox’ of them so you can remove them from your thoughts, emotions, and state of being. This way, you will be unaffected by their behavior. This could require coaching or therapy as well in addition to meditation and journaling, but you can do it yourself if you’re willing to give it a shot.

It does not matter whether you have to deal with them or have gone no contact with them. You just want to get them out of your energy field. Because if you come across one even if you do so after going no contact, and they see they are no longer getting to you like they once did, then that will be powerful to you. They will see that you aren’t bothered by them genuinely. They will also leave you alone if they really do see you are not vulnerable to them.

To do your own narcissist detox, start with your personal space. Remove anything that reminds you of the narcissist. If you’re living in the same space you shared with the narcissist, consider replacing or rearranging the furniture and decor in a new way. Wash the curtains (or replace them, if you can) and change the comforter on your bed. Switch things up.

Remember: One of the most surprising side effects for narcissistic abuse survivors can be struggling with clutter and motivation.

4. What if the narcissist won’t leave your house?

In a lot of cases, the narcissist will refuse to leave your home, even when the relationship has been officially declared to be over. This is often an issue of control – because the narcissist knows that leaving the home will mean a more permanent disconnection of narcissistic supply, and they want to remain in control as long and as much as possible. If this is the case for you, there are things you can do.

First, if you own the home and the narcissist has a job outside the home, or any other reason they leave at scheduled times, you could pack up everything they own, put it in a storage locker and pay one months’ rent on it. Then change the locks on your place and tape a note explaining where their stuff is, along with the storage locker key. Alternatively, you could go through the legal eviction process in your area.

If the narcissist owns the home, or you own the home together, you may need to either prepare to move, or to get your attorney involved in getting them out of the house. If physical abuse becomes an issue, you should contact the police after the incident and be sure to press charges. This could buy you a bit of time to get a restraining order and move their things out of the house into that storage locker we talked about. In any case, be aware of the eviction laws where you live in case the narcissist tries to get litigious with you.

In any case, getting a narcissist to leave you alone takes work and emotional discipline, but it can be done and you can be free of them, even if you are unable to go no contact. What do you think? Can you relate?

Question of the day: Have you struggled to get a narcissist to leave you alone, and if so, how did you manage to make it happen? Are you struggling with it now? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.

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