“There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I’ve got to see my friends because I’m too content by myself.” ~ Drew Barrymore
I know I’m not alone when I say I would rather stay in and watch a movie on Netflix than go out and watch one at a theater.
I don’t even want to go stand in line at Redbox and rent a movie because that would mean I have to be next to other people.
Spending time at home and with my select friends and family is enough excitement for me. My social needs are met with a video game and a bag of veggies. (I would say chips but I am on this health kick…be healthy!).
There are moments in my life when I did not leave the house for weeks at a time. The only people I saw were my husband and children. I like it that way.
I know that I have to go out into the world and function. I do not have to like it but it must be done. I could shop only at Wal-Mart. However, there are some things that you cannot do at Wal-Mart like pick your kid up from school and attend your child’s soccer game. Here is how I stay sane. (or insane if that’s how you want to look at it.)
1. Limited eye contact – I limit how much eye contact I have with everyone I meet. The less our eyes meet the less you will want to talk to me.
2. No conversation – The worst thing is when you are checking out at the grocery store with $200 in food and all the lady who’s ringing you up wants to do is chit chat about how she found her missing dog. Listen, I’m happy for her and the pup but I don’t want to hear about it. A simple “hello” and “have a good day” is almost too much in the first place.
3. Don’t smell – People smell terrible. Avoid smelling anyone at all times. I can smell a person who didn’t take a bath or brush their teeth from an aisle over. I bury my face in my scarf or my husband’s shoulder whenever we pass someone. Yes, there are those of you out there that use cologne and bathe regularly. I apologize to you. However, I am still going to hold my breath whenever you pass me because I cannot smell you.
4. Be nice – Being as nice as possible to those people who must talk to you is key. The nicer you are the more helpful they will be and the faster you can leave and go back home.
5. Don’t be afraid – No one knows that you are an introvert. No one knows you want to run away and crawl home instead of smiling one more fake smile. Everyone picks their kids up from school. Everyone goes to the mall. People go grocery shopping. Just remember that blending in is our best bet. Get done what you need to get done and then get back home.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~Oscar Wilde
When was the last time someone really pissed you off, hurt your feelings or shocked you (in a negative way) with their behavior?
People can be cruel–let’s face it, some are downright assholes who bring a serious element of toxicity into your life. They say and do the meanest, most damaging things. I have been personally shocked on more than one occasion at the blatant rudeness of some people.
(This is especially the case when we’re talking about narcissists!)
When it happens to you…
Having been a victim of unkind treatment, you’re probably reeling with anger. You feel like forgiveness is the least suitable response you can give.
Surprisingly, however, forgiveness is the quickest and most lasting way to get over the anger and hurt! But how can you just forgive someone who has hurt you so?
Achieve true forgiveness and gain peace with these approaches:
Confront the issue. It’s very easy to want to block negative situations out of your consciousness, but that approach may be causing more anger than you know!
Take a hard look at the issue. Say aloud, “This happened to me.” Doing that may cause some of the feelings to resurface. But when you’re done crying, you’ll likely be free from tears going forward.
What happened was a thing of the past. It happened, and you’re still here to tell the tale. Is it really worth affecting your peace of mind? It’s probably time to move on with your life!
Consider your involvement. Perhaps you didn’t consciously trigger a reaction from the other person. But there could very well be something that affected them. They just chose to address it in an unhealthy and unhelpful way!
It’s really not about playing the blame game. One human being has no right to offend or hurt another. If you were offended, take a look in the mirror before deciding how to deal with it. You’ll likely recall scenarios where you may have wronged someone as well!
Wear the offender’s shoes. Consider how it must feel for the person who now realizes that they hurt you considerably. After the initial emotion passes, they start to feel regret for their actions.
It’s always a good idea to try and switch roles. See it from their viewpoint. If you’re yearning for someone’s forgiveness, you’ll likely rejoice when you finally get it.
Consider the impact of anger on your life. When you hold on to the anger and resentment, it starts to eat away at you. Whether or not you know it, your happiness ends up being a fraction of what it could be. Anger negatively affects your quality of life!
Do you find yourself being short-tempered with loved ones and friends? You may feel your reaction is justified. But if you think about it, you might see that you overreacted.
Take some time to consider why you’re so angry or maybe sad. Grudges almost always bring and sustain negative emotions that can affect you long-term.
Once you try these approaches, you’ll experience the benefits of forgiving those who offended you. You’ll see how useless it is to allow the negative emotions of holding on to your hurts to drag down your quality of life. In fact, you’ll likely want to go back and forgive everyone who has ever hurt you!
Learn to freely forgive others and give your mind the rest it deserves for a peaceful, truly happy life.
“Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.” ~Tim Allen
Can you tell when someone’s lying to you? It’s a power many women possess–a strong sense of intuition to let us know when something’s not right. But that intuition might do no good if you can’t tell exactly WHAT the truth actually is, though, right?
How Can You Get the Truth Out of Someone?
Good news! I’m about to teach you three basic techniques that will help you get the truth out of anyone who isn’t a pathological liar.
1. Use The “Good Cop, Bad Cop” Tactic.
This is one of the most popular lie-detecting techniques in the world. Cops have been using it for centuries or something. So how does good cop, bad cop work exactly? Simple.
Two of you will question, so to speak, the person under scrutiny. One of you will play the good cop while the other one takes on the role of the bad cop. The good cop tells the “suspect” that they are in good hands, that they can get out of the trouble if only they told the truth. And then the bad cop comes in to scare the person into complying.
In this kind of situation, the good cop commonly gets the confession. The good cop gives the person some reassurance that all will be well at last. The bad cop is just a means to an end.
2. Look Them In The Eye.
Another technique you can use to get the truth out of someone is to ask the person to “look you in the eyes.” This is very effective when used on people who are very close to you. Chances are that anyone you’re close to, say those you consider to be friends or part of the family, will feel terrible for keeping something from you and spill the beans–or you’ll be able to see it in his eyes, at least.
Ask them to look you straight in the eye when you ask an answer, whether verbally or by just meeting their eyes. When the person at issue can’t even meet your gaze, something is up. Get them talking–they’ll slip up eventually.
3. Stay Calm.
Telling a person that you don’t want any drama or that you won’t cause any problems is another option that might help you get the truth out of someone.
People usually lie or hide the truth because they’re afraid of what our reactions will be. If you assure them that you won’t get angry or won’t “punish” them, they’ll be more likely to open up to you.
(Queen Bee QT: Staying calm and promising a peaceful reaction works quite well on most men, but you have to follow through with the promise if you want it to work more than once. But if you “promise not to be mad” and then explode when he admits he watched p*rn or whatever, you can fully expect him to zip his lip next time!))
Knowing how to get the truth out of someone is a very powerful tool–so use it wisely!
What are your best lie-detecting tips? Share them in the comments section, below.
What do guys in their 20s really want from a woman? And what does any of that have to do with Craigslist?
You might not think of Craigslist as a scientific tool, but it really offers a certain amount of insight into the psychology of the people around us.
For example, ladies, if you’ve ever driven yourself crazy wondering what men really want, you’re not alone—but your answer could be right at your fingertips– all it might take to find out is a quick check of some Craigslist ads.
Wait, what? Find out what guys in their 20s want…on Craigslist?
So, being the big research geek I am, I just had to know if Craigslist ads could give me a good idea of what men, in general, want. I took a look at a cross-section of men-for-women (M4W) ads on Craigslist in my local area in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. Today, we’re looking at guys in their 20s want.
(Stay tuned for follow-up articles in this series to discuss the 30-60 somethings!)
What do guys in their 20s want in a woman?
While none of the men’s answers were identical, there were certain trends that could be noted, both across the board and within each age group, including, of course, our fearless 20-somethings.
Honest, Sincere and Must Love Bondage (Age 23)
A 23-year-old anonymous male posted this ad seeking “…that special woman that will respect and honor me. A woman that is honest, sincere, dedicated, good worker and loves to spend quality time with his man…family values and responsible. A woman that likes to enjoy the beautiful things of life, a woman that is willing to have one man in her life, a person I can trust…”
So far, so good, right?
The young man goes on to reiterate that he wants a decent-looking, active, fun-loving woman who shold also have a nice body, no criminal history, financial stability and must like to travel.
Finally, he ends his ad with a note on cleanliness, followed by a very…touching proclamation: “You must love SEX because I really do..I’m a very SUBMISSIVE MALE in bed..I LOVE BONDAGE PLAY.”
Yep. Don’t knock each over trying to get to that one, ladies. Moving on…
Lover, Best Friend, No Baggage Please—But I’ll Take a High Schooler (Age 25)
Our 25-year-old Craigslister offers a bit more hope in the male side of our species. He says he likes “a girl I can do everything with. Lover, best friend, most trusted person in life.”
He adds that he’s not looking for “someone who wants to be casual, still focus on their friends all the time,” but that he’d prefer “someone who wants and needs one man to make them happy, and wants to make a man happy.”
But then he adds a little something extra that makes me cringe a little. His age restrictions, specifically, include “someone who is either a high school senior, college student or college grad with a good career.”
That whole “high school senior” part that gives me pause. I mean, seriously?
I realize that 18 and 25 aren’t that far apart, technically. But let’s be honest—there’s a lot of maturing that happens between those ages.
Finally, he adds that he’d really prefer someone “with no baggage like kids, drugs issues, crazy exes etc. Someone who isn’t afraid of scary movies and roller coasters but also isn’t afraid of showing their emotions and professing a faith in some higher power. Someone who likes the man to take the lead, but knows how to take it when its time.”
So, there’s that. Do with it what you will, ladies. And if you’re in high school, please stay away!
Smart, Confident and Perpetually Barefoot (Age 28)
Thank goodness for this 28-year-old, who seems to be a decent guy looking for something real.
He made a very comprehensive list in his ad.
“1. My soul mate is faithful and honest.
2. She is confident in her own skin. Real women are beautiful regardless of her size.
3. She is perpetually barefoot or in flip flops.
4. She loves rocking jammies over getting dolled up. She also prefers an all natural look to wearing a bunch of makeup.
5. She is brash and bold, but in a loving way.
6. She is smart and witty.
7. She loves nature.
8. We share a ton of hobbies.
9. She is looking for her soul mate too.
10. She wants true love and will work hard for it.
11. She is African-American.” ~Anonymous Craigslister, Age 28
Can’t find too much wrong with that one, can ya?
No Barbies, No Fatties and Don’t Be Too Short (Age 28)
“I don’t want a Barbie or a stick woman, (but) I don’t want an obese woman either,” says another Craigslister, Age 28. “There are beautiful big women out there but it’s just not for me.”
He goes on to explain that he prefers Caucasian women, because he’s “never dated interracial and (has) no plans for it.”
“You don’t have to be 6 feet tall, but I don’t want to have to look to far down at you. I don’t mind if you’re divorced, but not looking to pay for your divorce either.”
And, in case you wondered, he ended the post by noting that “everyone has their own taste and what they like; I won’t be everyone’s ideal mate.” Good insight.
Drug-Free, Childless 1950s Housewife (Age 28)
So, there are guys like this in every generation. It doesn’t make them bad, per se, it just makes them specific.
The good thing here is that you have the choice–if you don’t think you can fit into this guy’s mold without becoming someone you hate, then you don’t date this guy.
He prefers, according to his Craigslist ad, “a woman that isn’t one of these feminist new age liberal types.”
She should also be thin or athletic, and intelligent–however, she should not have a child or a smoking or drug habit.”
He adds that his ideal woman “just wants to be a man’s princess. The 1950s lifestyle, house wife etc…. that is what I seek.”
So how about you? What qualities do you (or would you like to) see in an ideal woman? What do men in their 20s want in a woman, as far as you see it? Are these guys unusual? Share your thoughts in the comments section, below.
This is my beautiful (and SUPER HOT) friend Tiara!
“There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality. There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persists. Men are free and women are not. That is crazy. The old lessons of submissiveness and fragility made us victims. Women are so much more than that. You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist, and a feminist—whatever you want to be—and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive.” ~Beyonce
Let me just preface this post by saying that I am in no way generalizing black women, white women or anyone else in this post.
In fact, I’m only focusing on my personal group of female friends, which includes a variety of beautiful women from a variety of races, ages and cultural background–obviously including several gorgeous African-American women.
Since I’ve learned a little something about being hot from nearly every woman I’ve ever met (even though in some cases it was more learning what NOT to do), the Hot Wife Secrets series focuses on what I’ve learned from groups and individuals.
Today, it’s all about the secrets I’ve learned from my black friends about being hot.
5 Ways My Black Friends Have Taught Me to Be Hotter
Hair Extensions Are Hot: Don’t Be Scared
Ok, so you won’t find me spending hours at the salon getting extensions sewn in–not that I wouldn’t if it wasn’t so expensive and time-consuming. But let me tell you what–the clip-in extensions I’ve become rather fond of are super cute and make a HUGE difference in my appearance.
Anytime I am feeling like I need a little boost, I can clip in various extensions to create a variety of styles. It definitely makes for a fun and easy change–and every time I wear extensions, I feel gorgeous–and since I feel so HOT, I notice that I get more positive attention from everyone in my life–especially my husband.
I’d never have even considered trying extensions were it not for my black friends. I also don’t even try to pretend that it’s “my hair” and don’t worry about posting photos on Facebook days (or hours) apart with two (or five) totally different looks. That goes back to self confidence and positive attitude–owning your personality and choices and proudly rocking them.
Owning It is Hot: Embracing Your Curves
Whether you’re a size 2 or a size 22, you can be HOT. The truth is that being hot has nothing to do with size and a lot more to do with the ability to love and accept yourself the way you are. I can’t speak for black women in general, but those in my life tend to be much more accepting of their curves (and as a result, have taught me to do the same for myself).
That’s how I learned that wearing tents to COVER UP your curves actually has the opposite effect–it makes you look shapeless and unattractive (again, doesn’t matter if you’re a 2 or a 22!). Instead, I’ve learned to choose styles that actually enhance and feature my curves–not only do I look thinner and more attractive, but based on the reactions of the people around me, I’m pulling it off.
It’s not directly about the way that I look, either–it’s more about the way that I feel and the way that I carry myself as a result of the level of confidence I’m currently rocking (the more confident I feel, the better I look). The same is true for most women–though the “right” clothing and lines for a body definitely depend on the body shape, height and weight–so be sure to keep that in mind as you look to find the right look for your personal body.
Boldness is Hot: Wearing Whatever You Want and Feeling Good About It
My black friends don’t all walk around wearing the same thing–each has her own style. But what they do have in common is that each is unapologetically herself when it comes to fashion.
Whether she’s rocking a tomboy look or she’s more of a girly-princess type, she wears it with pride and confidence. I also tend to notice that a lot of my black friends are very fashion forward, which as a fashionista myself, I totally love.
Anytime ANY woman can bring herself to openly express herself through her style choices, she ups her rank on the hotness scale exponentially. Again, this includes you.
Manis and Pedis are Hot: Finding the Best and Most Inexpensive Nail Salons
I don’t wear acrylics anymore, but I did for years. Thanks to my black friends, I learned about the little nail shops that will give you both a mani and a pedi (including the acrylic overlays) for less than $50, including a 20 percent tip. (Previously, I had gone to a spa/salon and was charged $60 for JUST the pedicure!).
Another secret black women know about being hot: men really do look at and care about how your nails look on both your hands and your feet–so keep them pretty if you hope to impress your hubby.
Be Bootylicious: A Big Butt is a Good Thing
Thanks to the black community, and in my case, my black friends, I’ve learned that my big butt is actually a positive thing. This ties into many of my previous points–confidence, embracing my curves and my body and even the whole “wearing whatever you want” thing.
When you stop trying to hide your junk (in the trunk) and embrace it, feature it and feel PROUD of it, you’ll almost instantly find yourself feeling and looking much, much hotter.
So how about you–what secrets do you know about being HOT? Share them in the comments section, below! Your comment and link could be featured in an upcoming post, if you so desire!