Rediscovering Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse: Do You Believe What You Think You Believe?

by Angela Atkinson

I have always felt a little annoyed when strangers call me things like “babe” or “hon.” It doesn’t much matter if the stranger is male or female, or whether they’re older or younger than me.

One day a few years ago, after once again being called “hon,” by a virtual stranger, I took note of my reaction–I instantly bristled at the word. Not so much that I had any sort of external reaction–just a brief, negative bit of energy that buzzed through me.  It launched a bit of an existential crisis, but in a good way.

An Existential Crisis After Going No Contact With a Narcissist

I began to wonder, “Why Do I Feel This Way, Anyway?” It made no sense. I mean, it’s not like I sat around stressing about it. But later, during a rare quiet moment in the day, I thought about why I reacted that way.

I remembered that growing up, a female narcissist in my life had once told me that she felt insulted when almost anyone except her husband used terms of endearment such as “hon” or “babe” with her. She said it made her feel like they thought she was somehow less than them, or like they were being “fake” nice.

Accepting a Narcissist’s Opinion As Fact

Since I was probably ten years old when I heard this, I took it as a fact, rather than an opinion.  It stuck with me, this woman’s perception, and I carried it with me through my own life. Subconsciously, I accepted and lived someone else’s perception rather than forming my own about this little tiny thing. In fact, this tiny little issue has clouded other areas of my life too.

I have often believed that people around me had ulterior motives or weren’t genuine, and suddenly when I took just a moment to question my long-held beliefs, I realized that they existed primarily because of perceptions that were taught to me by other people.

Question Everything!

Do You Believe What You Think You Believe?

I don’t know about you, but I can think of a LOT of different perceptions that I’ve carried through my life without even realizing it.

And when we’ve been in relationships with narcissists, our perceptions are more likely to be twisted than not. So ask yourself: Do I really believe what I think I believe?

How do we decide what we believe?

As kids, we form our opinions of the world almost subliminally. We gather up the information that’s fed to us from our parents, our teachers, our friends–the television–and we decide what we believe about ourselves, the world around us, the people in it…life in general.

Have you ever really thought about it? Can you honestly say that you know why you believe what you think you believe? Or are you carrying around other people’s baggage without even realizing it?

Why do we need to let go of old, limiting perceptions to heal after narcissistic abuse?

As it turns out, I don’t mind if strangers use terms of endearment with me. It’s not that I love it, but I don’t think it’s anything to get upset about–that’s just some people’s way of being friendly, I think. It doesn’t mean that they think less of me. And if it does, do I really care? Not so much.

So, for probably 25 years, I have held this unnecessary bit of negativity just because I accepted someone else’s perception without question.

And that, for me, was a big shocker.

How Going No Contact with a Narcissist Opened My Eyes

After my childhood narcissist took the tiny betrayals too far and I was snapped into reality with an almost literal slap in the face, I finally had enough and cut off all contact with her.

Related: This is Why Going No Contact is So Hard

While I went through the standard stages of grief during the initial separation period, I found myself growing as a person and my whole world sort of opened up – suddenly, everything I believed to be true (especially about myself) could be reconsidered.

Related: Why I Write About Narcissism

And I realized that I was in control; that I could decide how it was going to go from here on out – and most of all, that I got to choose my own story – I was the one who got to define me. And guess what, pal?

YOU are the only one who gets to decide who YOU are. Do you feel me? ONLY you. Not some abusive narcissist. Okay, moving on.

Letting Go Of Limiting Beliefs Opens the Door to Unlimited Potential.

I think that every single one of us is carrying around some limiting beliefs that we’ve picked up from others along the way.

I say it’s time to shake things up. Imagine the freedom you could feel if you could eliminate all of the negative perceptions you’ve picked up over the years. Think about how positive your days could be–and as we all know, we bring about what we think about!

The more positive energy, gratitude and general peace you can find, the more amazing your life will get.

Bliss Mission: Change Your Negative and Limiting Self-Perceptions

My challenge to you today is to identify and challenge at least one belief or perception that you have always had, whether it’s about yourself or something or someone outside of yourself.

You can start small. Maybe you believe that your paperboy intentionally throws your paper in the mud puddle every time it rains.

Or you can start bigger. Maybe you believe that you don’t really deserve to be happy. In either case, ask yourself WHY you feel that way, and whether it’s logical. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Check out this special resource page, filled with free tools to help you recover. 

Are you ready to challenge your negative perceptions and beliefs?

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

• The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
• Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups – We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
• One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
• Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
• Where Are You in Recovery? You might not be sure exactly where you fit in and what level of recovery you’ve achieved. If that’s the case, you’ll want to check out this self-assessment to help you determine exactly where you fall in the stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Once you finish and submit the assessment, you will be given resources for your own situation, along with recommendations of which groups to join.
• Which Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is Right for You? If you aren’t sure which program you want to utilize to facilitate your recovery from narcissistic abuse, this self-assessment will help you decide.