Being fearless makes you incredibly powerful – but when you’re in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, you are often full of fear! Narcissists and people with NPD and other cluster B personality disorders are full of venom and they absolutely LOVE to see you being afraid. In fact, fear is one of their go-to methods to keep you stuck in these toxic abusive relationships.
In this video, I’ve pulled questions and answers from my recent live stream (all the fluff has been removed!) and I’m sharing them with you for Self-Love Sunday today.
I’ll share several tested and proven healing exercises I’ve developed that work especially well for the various stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Exercises include help with getting through the devalue and discard phases, how to stay away when you go no contact and more.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Q&A: How to Be Fearless During & After Toxic Relationships – SELF LOVE SUNDAY!
On my YouTube channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships! I like to call it toxic relationship rehab. If that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button.
**LIVE EVERY TUESDAY! Never miss a live session! Just text “AngieLive” (no spaces) to 33222 and I’ll send you a text each time I get ready to go live!
Have you figured out you’ve been dealing with a narcissist in your life, but you don’t know where to begin your recovery? If so, you’re not alone. In fact, it reminds me of an old story about a child trying to move a heavy stone while his father looks on. The child works and works, but is just not strong enough. Finally, he tells his father, “I can’t do it. It’s impossible.”
His father responds, “Of course you can. You haven’t used all the strength you have available to you yet.” The little boy answers that he has tried his hardest, and still can’t do it, to which the father responds, “You haven’t asked me to help you yet.”
If you need help in your own healing and you don’t know who to ask, look no further – here’s some support and help that’s available to you right now.
Here’s the Help You Need in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Sometimes, when you’re trying to recover from narcissistic abuse, it can feel like you’re moving that heavy rock. You struggle and fight, but it’s so hard to stick to the plan that you give up. There comes a time to recognize that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Enlisting the aid of friends, family, and a good support group can bolster your efforts and help you overcome setbacks that threaten to derail your narcissistic abuse recovery efforts. Instead of trying to go it alone, try a few of these suggestions to help you stay on track with the help of friends and family. If you prefer a guided experience, you can start your narcissistic abuse recovery for free, right here.
Gather up trusted friends and family members and make them part of your inner circle – your support system. Don’t have people you feel comfortable sharing your situation with? How about a whole group of people who have been there, done that? Join my SPAN group, right here. It’s totally free and confidential. We also have several other groups that are specific to your situation and your level in recovery – check them out here.
Get your family on the right page.
When they’re not narcissistic, husbands, wives, children, and siblings can offer support in unexpected ways. Something as simple as a sincere compliment at the right time can be all you need to nudge you onward. By the same token, refuse to let them sabotage your recovery efforts. Sometimes even people who are acting as the flying monkeys of a toxic narcissist don’t know what they’re doing. Give yourself the freedom and space you need to clarify the situation – and don’t be afraid to take a step back from people who are toxic for you, especially during recovery.
There’s a lot to be said for seeking out the support of others who are fighting the same battle you are. Whatever it is that motivates you, you can find it in our small group coaching sessions led by the amazing Lise Colucci – and you’ll get one-on-one help as well as being able to connect with and learn from your fellow group members during our sessions. Healthy sharing, companionship, encouragement, applause, and practical, common-sense advice from others who are also fighting to take back your life can all make this whole narcissistic abuse recovery stuff a whole lot easier.
That’s right. Sometimes, you just want first aid – a quick and simple way to make life easier for a while – to make the narcissist just BE NICE TO YOU.
PLEASE NOTE: This ONLY works if you ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER OF A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE REACTION! If you are being physically abused or you think you might be soon, visit this page.
How do you train a narcissist to be nice to you?
The process is so simple that you might not believe it. But I promise you, it works – and I’ve learned this through both experience and research. Here’s what you need to know (and exactly the steps you take) to make a narcissist be nice to you.
Step One: Do not reward “bad” behavior with the narcissist’s desired or expected reaction.
So: Your only response to negative behavior is “GRAY ROCK.” PLEASE NOTE: Using gray rock can and may induce narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury, and extreme gaslighting. You may feel angry or upset – but DO NOT show it, no matter what. Stay positive and polite.
Step Two: Reward “good” behavior with what the narcissist needs from you: love, admiration, and a proper place on the pedestal.
When the narcissist behaves in a way that is tolerable for you, even if you recognize it as love bombing or idealization, take a deep breath, and bestow all the love and admiration you can on them. Be sure to tell them how amazing and wonderful and perfect they are – and do it as sincerely if you can.
Things to Know About How to Train a Narcissist
Please Note: This can even work if you’re dealing with an ex in a co-parenting situation or a boss or co-worker – just adjust to make it appropriate for the situation.
Be consistent. You can NEVER stop these practices if you hope to keep this thing going. The narcissist will absolutely and repeatedly try their typical abuse patterns and manipulation tactics not to mention other “bad” behaviors. This means you will need to be very in control of your emotions to make this happen. BUT you CAN do it if you choose to – and it will make life less actively painful, at least for a while.
Bottom line: Don’t expect miracles.
Based on both research and experience, I can tell you that narcissists won’t ever change for the most part. In theory, they could change – but I’ve never actually seen it in person. So make sure you understand that this will be your new way of life if you choose to stick it out. This can be dangerous for your own mental health, so please know that it’s a temporary fix and not one that you can feasibly use forever.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship that left you feeling confused, upset, worthless, angry, and otherwise negatively, you may have been dealing with an emotional manipulator. This is the kind of person who seems to be focused mostly on what they want, especially during times of distress, but in many cases, nearly all the time. They may or may not be a narcissist, and they are likely to make your life feel very difficult, at least on occasion, especially if they are close to you.
What is Emotional Manipulation?
Emotional manipulation is one-way others try to change your behavior, thoughts, and feelings through misleading practices. These practices can be harmful to everyone involved – and in the case of a toxic narcissist, it can literally take you to a place where you sort of lose yourself – and this is even more of a concern when the narcissist is part of your everyday reality. While some forms of emotional manipulation are part of everyday life, such as advertising and marketing that uses emotions to draw you in and sell to you, there are other forms that are far more sinister. In many cases, emotional manipulation is a form of emotional abuse. Also called psychological abuse, emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a toxic person subjects or exposes you to repeated behavior that often results in long-term psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or a form of post-traumatic stress disorder called complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or C-PTSD.
How Do You Learn to Recognize Emotional Manipulation in Your Family Members?
Family members may try to use emotional manipulation to control you – and whether or not they can be identified as people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they can make life absolutely miserable. Let’s face it. No one likes to be controlled! For your own benefit, learn these signs that a family member is trying to manipulate you – the first step to any solution is the discovery of the problem, followed closely by understanding it – and eventually, you can overcome it.
One of the most common ways a family member can use emotional manipulation is to deny the truth. This is a key sign. The person who is manipulating you will often make a promise or a statement but deny it later. They will pretend that the truth doesn’t exist, and conveniently blame your bad memory for it. It’s difficult to prove the truth without a recording, email, or other physical evidence. In some cases, the manipulator will try to fight the evidence by saying it’s fabricated. An emotional manipulator can make you feel as if it’s your fault you’re not remembering the previous conversation the same way. They can make you feel guilty and ashamed, so you don’t pursue the subject anymore.
Emotional manipulators frequently use guilt to control their families. Family members can use passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate you. They can also find your weak spots, so it’s easier to make you feel guilty. Manipulators will pretend to be victims, so you’ll feel sorry for them. If you refuse to go along with the charade, they will accuse you of being insensitive and mean. They can make you feel guilty in order to get sympathy. This is another important sign to recognize.
Emotional manipulators will use your friends and other family members to hurt you. They can use others as messengers or mediators to control you. Emotional manipulators will use these people to send you hurtful messages or to blame you for their issues. By involving another person, they’re able to blame someone else for the message being misinterpreted.
Family members can use their anger and threats to manipulate you. An emotional manipulator uses anger to frighten and coerce people. Threats and angry outbursts are used to make the other person feel uncomfortable and upset. Emotional manipulators often use anger to interrupt or stop a conversation they don’t like. For example, a family member who refuses to discuss his affairs may use an angry outburst and threats to end the conversation or storm out of the room. The anger can escalate to physical violence, so it’s important to pay close attention to the situation and seek help if necessary.
Family members may try to belittle you, so they can manipulate you more easily. Emotional manipulators will criticize you and point out your flaws. The main goal of this tactic is to make you feel inferior, so you’re easier to control.
Manipulators seek out sensitive people because it’s easier to influence them. They deliberately look for people who are vulnerable and insecure. They can spot your insecurities and use them. In the beginning, emotional manipulators may even seem kind and concerned as they gather information about you. However, this quickly changes to control.
Sensitive people are more likely to become victims of family members who want to control them. They’re less likely to stand up for themselves or speak out against the manipulators. It’s important to spot these signs in a relationship.
Heads up! I’ll be going live tomorrow with Kristen Darcy at the Divorcing Intact Online summit. There are still spots available as far as I know and it’s free to attend! Sign up here. Hurry, the first speaker goes on today!
I’m honored to report that I’ve been invited to speak at an online summit for women on April 5, 2016 at noon – but I’ll be one of a series of experts you’ll have access to for the 5-day event that’s dedicated to helping women who are going through divorce and especially those who are escaping from toxic marriages.