50 Shades of G: My Affair With a Narcissist
My narcissist is an ex-married lover. We met when he was my boss working with him for two years before he moved away.
With this narcissist, everything we did, whether it be physical or when we were just fantasizing via email, was totally pedophile-ish and totally disgusting but I will say this: Looking back 16 years later, I now see the signs and wish I could’ve told myself, “Stop! Don’t do it! He’s an a-hole!”
And everyone I worked with warned me that my boss wasn’t a good guy. I was young, dumb and so in love with that man.
Now 16 years later, he’s married to the girl he didn’t want to marry (he told everyone he worked with he’d never get married). He had cheated on his wife before and after they were married – with me when I was single and during my first relationship with another narcissist.
How the Narcissist Reeled Me In
In 2009, my ex narcissist boyfriend had left the picture leaving my soon-to-be first ex narcissistic husband in the picture but we were just friends. Granted, he didn’t like HIM one bit. But I didn’t care.
He was smart enough to know that HE was a narcissist and was just using me for sex and didn’t really care about me.
HE never really complained about his wife that much when he stayed at my place. The only thing HE did say was that when they did have sex he had to be on top because she was fat and would’ve been crushed. This is true, she is a large woman, she’s got some thyroid condition.
I’ve seen what she looks like. He’s telling the truth.
Also, my second husband’s narcissist ex-wife is a morbidly obese woman weighing over 300lbs and he told me himself that he too had to be on top, (drunk of course) because otherwise he, himself, would’ve been crushed by her weight.
Other than that HE complained that they argued a lot about her dragging him to places instead of staying home. I asked him one time if his wife was the love of his life and he said “No.”
I asked him who was and he said some girl in high school. I asked him if his wife was his soul mate and again he said, “No.”
I asked him who it was and he said some girl named Christine. To this day, I’m really not sure if he was talking about the car or an actual girl – but nonetheless, it was an interesting conversation.
Seeing the Red Flags of a Narcissist in Hindsight
I do recognize the signs of a narcissist now that I think about it. I remember the first time he loved bombed me.
I was singing a song to myself and he said, “You look pretty with your hair down.”
Going back to my original point, even now, 16 years, later, HE still sees me as the girl who got away. I saw him two years ago. We reengaged our fiery email exchanges after our hookup, but this time, I’d finally got smart and knew how to defend myself.
Then in 2010 things started slowing down some with HIM. He and I hadn’t seen each other since July of 2010.
2011 rolls out. Here’s when HE devalued me and discarded me….or so I thought. I hadn’t seen HIM since that past November. I’d since become bored and tired of waiting but become interested in someone else. Not my soon-to-be-ex narcissist first husband. Even he fits this to a T but more on him later.
So I told Him when he could figure out a time and place to come up to let me know. He wrote back, “Since I haven’t figured out a time or place, HENCE no return email.”
Well, that’s when I had had it. I told him I was getting back together with my ex narcissist boyfriend who gotten out of jail for something he did which was downloading child porn onto my computer and “accidentally” forgetting to tell me about it before the police and FBI showed up back in 2009.
Choices I’d Regret
Anyway, to further complicate things, my future ex narcissist first husband didn’t like me seeing HIM because he wanted me to like him the way I adored HIM forced me to do something. What did he force me to do?
Tell G’s wife, of course, purely for his own selfish, narcissistic benefit. SHE knew all along so it wasn’t a shock. SHE called me and left me a voicemail calling me a whore and to stay away from her man.) Yet the jerk still continued to see me that summer in 2010!
He told me what to write and I did and then I received a message from Him that night. He asked me why I would do this and reminded me I was never that kind of person. I said I have stuff I could send her and he begged me, literally, “Please don’t. Even if she asks.”
Then the last thing he said was, “Are you going to try and destroy my marriage by sending her stuff, or are you going to let it drop?”
Running Into the Narcissist After Going No Contact
3 years later: 2014.
Still NO Contact. But THEY do their smear campaign. SHE sends me a letter from a lawyer threatening legal action if I ever step foot on their lawn. Like every other victim, I wanted answers so I emailed him in search of said answers and never got them. SHE also filed a police report.
Then one day I get the chance to see him again to get my so-called answers because I knew the wife was out of town. I have my soon-to-be-ex narcissist first husband drive me to where they live and I’m sitting at the place and as soon as he saw me.
Not surprisingly, he made a face – a sort of “holy sh*t” look. With this, he turned around and walked out the back before coming through the front.
He walked up to me and said, “What are you doing here?”
I said, “Eating. What does it look like?”
Then I said, “I came here to talk to you. I need to know why.”
By then all the people for the meetup he was hosting had shown up, so he had to conduct it. I turned my back and continued eating. He made small talk in between not to show that he knew me or anything.
At one point before the stupid thing started, I had to pee. So I had asked the very nice bartender to watch my stuff.
As soon I came out, HE came out at the same time and just stared at me for a minute, then went back to play the good host. The whole meetup was over within half an hour because not too many people showed.
Then it was just HE and I. I had a little bit of knowledge of how narcissists acted and behaved but not nearly enough as I do now so you could say I was still in the early developmental stage.
I know how we got started on the subject of rekindling our affair because I apologized for hurting him and I missed him. I told him I missed what we had and I wanted him to forgive me. Long story short we ended hooking up again and then the whole smear campaign started again.
His wife found out because one of the girls asked about me being at the last meetup and she put two and two together. But this time what she’s said and everything she’s always said to me has sounded like she’s talking in the third person which I find hilarious.
But this time around, at the time she wrote the email in 2014, I was very unhappy in my first marriage to a plushopheliac narcissist*, and I took what she said to heart and believed it.
*Editor’s Note: Plushophilia (from “plushie” and “-philia”) is a paraphilia involving stuffed animals
I actually contemplated suicide.
I eventually divorced my first husband and found my second husband. I finally got therapy for all the issues I needed help with. Even HIM.
But HE hasn’t been fully discussed as he should be.
I’m suffering from dissociative amnesia from this man and all my exes. I do look so young for my age, I’m 37, but look 19 or 21, it’s exactly why he preyed upon me. He also bought me a coloring book and a small stuffed Spongebob toy to match for Christmas one year. What did HE get? Sex.
Three years ago was the last time I saw HIM. They came down to where I lived for vacation. He controlled EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING. By this time I’d grown strong, wiser, and knew a proficient amount of knowledge on how to handle him. My husband and I stayed at the same hotel they did to get away for the night but mainly because I wanted to see/talk to him.
My husband and I lost our twin babies four years ago and I haven’t sought grief counseling and I made the mistake of opening the door after we moved down to where we live (which is where this all started.)
Anyway, after we got to the hotel we hung out at the pool, then a little while later they arrived. Poor guy, his wife made him use the luggage cart to lug their bags while she went inside to confirm their reservations.
He saw me and looked so sad.
His Wife Called Him a Psychopath
I went out with a co-worker of mine and HE constantly kept texting me and complaining about how slow the service is down here in the south. Then when I got back, I started reading my book in between emailing him.
I told him I was tired but he kept telling me just to wait. My husband was getting suspicious and I kept telling him I was reading my book.
My Adderall kept me up so I reminded him to go to bed because he had to be at work in the morning.
Finally at 2 am, HE strolls out and nudged his head toward the doors and I followed him. I asked him what took him so long and he said they had a fight. I asked what they fought about and he just made a funny face.
He said she called him a psychopath.
I said, “It’s because you’re a narcissist.”
He whined, ”Why does everyone keep calling me that?”
I said, ”Maybe it’s because you are.”.
He said stopped talking and handed me a drink. Don’t know what was in it but I drank some. He put my stuff down on the ground.
Date Raped by a Narcissist
This is where I know it was rape because I told him in an earlier email that we didn’t have to do this if he didn’t want to – meaning I really don’t want to cheat on my husband because I really love him and I don’t want to hurt him. He even asked when I was leaving the room why I was wearing a jacket and no shirt.
Saying YES DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YES.
Anyway, HE yanked my sweats down above my knee and unzipped my jacket halfway, and started to feel me up as he horribly went down on me. I just looked up at the sky, my eyes brimmed with tears.
I looked back down at him and I started to talk about something then he pushed me on my knees and handed me a chalice (came with dinner and a show) filled with Mountain Dew overpowered by something else.
So I drink it then looked at him and he said all the way so I finished it. Then it hit me and I go down on him and then in one swift move I’m on all fours and I’m not really enjoying it. I’m crying through the experience and I kept saying ow and I know he didn’t hear me.
Then when it’s over, we talked, I foolishly told him I loved him, he said so does she, and then he said really loudly (as if he were talking about his own marriage, that’s how I perceived it), he said, “I CAN’T do this anymore.”
And then he left.
I left and found my husband waiting for me. We went inside and I cried and ended up having a seizure and a big ole bruise on my head. The next morning I emailed him telling him what happened.
He asked if I was ok.
I just said, “Please, no more alcohol.”
HE said it wouldn’t be a late night. I said ok.
The Narcissist’s Final Discard
I knew I’d never see him again. I told my husband I wanted to leave the next morning early morning, we only lived right up the road so we did.
I told HIM I’d be leaving and he said ok, for me to try and be happy, and goodbye. (Again he sounded like he was trying to convince himself that he would not wish me well.)
We continued to email each other up until two years ago when his wife found the pictures I had sent so she sent them to my husband and by then it was killing me inside. I held that secret in for 9 months. I cried the same day we returned from the hotel not because he was gone but because I had hurt the father of my children. We eventually moved past it.
HE said we can’t be friends and need to go back to our spouses. I have tried to call a truce and called him out on him to admit that he needs me in his life, no matter how many times he pushes me away, that he needs me more than I need him, and could we ever try to be friends civilly.
This was his response.
1. No, I am not mad at you.
2. You are not wrong.
3, No we can’t.
But when I questioned G on his crap and why he let her do this his answer was “I can’t control her any more than I can control you.”
Then the wife had the nerve to say to me via email that I could have him and we deserved each other. I responded that I didn’t wish to be with him and I called G out on everything.
I emailed him to see if we could be friends but calling him out on his crap and he said, “No I don’t want to be in your life and you to be into mine. We had our fun but it’s over now. Please respect that.”
He told me once that I was more his type, which is the girl next door type, and he agreed with me on things I have said about our relationship (although he never said what those things were). This means he too much of a coward to admit that I am right that he wouldn’t know what love is if it slapped him in the face. Then he had the nerve to say he wasn’t a narcissist. HAHA!!
They don’t miss people, they miss the things people provide—affection, admiration, attention, money, food, shelter, access, or the illusion of a “normal life.”
The above is referring to those with NPD, not those who are higher on the narcissist scale than others, but who are not malignant narcissists.
If they ‘miss’ anyone or ‘think about them when they are gone, they are really missing what they could have provided, or think about what you have that they don’t. Think about what you provided them, even if it was attention, entertainment, affection, sex, money, access, or the illusion of normal life (if you were a spouse).
That’s what they miss. It’s things, not people. They don’t need people and they don’t want people, really. All of their defense mechanisms are enough for them, there is no need for actual ‘people’, just what ‘people’ can provide.
Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
- Read more stories right here, and submit your own here.
- Best Books on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
- Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Glossary: This is a comprehensive guide to words and phrases (related to narcissism, NPD and related conditions, narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic abuse recovery) that are commonly used in articles, videos, and narcissistic abuse recovery support groups. Defined here as specifically how they relate to narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic abuse recovery, these terms have been developed by psychologists, coaches, therapists, and survivors of narcissistic abuse who need a way to understand and overcome the abuse.
- FAQ Help: Whenever you need help with something related to this site or you want to know how to find something, join a group or otherwise deal with an issue you’re having, visit our new FAQ Help page.
- Self-Care for Survivors: This is a page that covers everything you need to know about self-care, from how to build your own self-care kit to how to sign up for self-care support, and more.
- New Resources Page: This is a one-stop overview of narcissism, NPD, and narcissistic abuse recovery, offering a long list of resources that will be helpful for you.
- Stalking Resources Center: If your narcissist is a stalker, the information and resources on this page will help you get and stay safe.
- The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
- Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups – We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
- One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
- Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
- Where Are You in Recovery? You might not be sure exactly where you fit in and what level of recovery you’ve achieved. If that’s the case, you’ll want to check out this self-assessment to help you determine exactly where you fall in the stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Once you finish and submit the assessment, you will be given resources for your own situation, along with recommendations of which groups to join.
- Which Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is Right for You? If you aren’t sure which program you want to utilize to facilitate your recovery from narcissistic abuse, this self-assessment will help you decide.
Helpful Videos for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
- When You See the Narcissist After No Contact
- How to Catch a Narcissist in a Lie Every Time (No-Fail Method!)
- 20 Things Narcissists Hate & Don’t Want You to Know They Worry About
- Narcissists Use False Empathy to Fool You (When Narcissists Use False Empathy)
- Can A Narcissist Change For The Better?
- 7 Comments That Instantly Trigger a Narcissist’s Anger
- Why Narcissists Have To Hurt You
- Narcissist’s False Self (How does the narcissist’s false self develop?)
- Narcissists in Old Age (What No One Tells You About Aging Narcissists)