You might think that your feelings and thoughts aren’t genuine or relevant to the world, and you might even feel like a big fake when you do try to follow your dreams, simply because you’ve heard for so long that you’re not worthy, whether directly or indirectly.
When I was in my own toxic family situation, I struggled with feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and more. I felt like nothing I did or said was genuine or worth knowing about, like I had to hide who I was in order to conform to the expectations of my toxic family member.
But I learned some important lessons as I began the healing process, and I want to share them with you. If you’re currently in this situation, you may have never heard these things–and when you first read them, you probably won’t even believe them. But these are truths–and you keep reading them until you get it.
Changing your mind will help you to change your life. I’m living proof it works.
Top 10 Things You Need to Know if You’re in a Toxic Relationship with a Narcissist or Sociopath
You get to choose my own identity every day. You decide who you are and how far you go.
You can compromise for someone you love to a certain point when it’s time to choose your priorities and choose a path. But compromise means that both parties bend and both parties are satisfied with the outcome. It’s not compromising to give up what you truly want in order to make someone else happy or to keep them from getting angry at you.
If you were to walk away from the toxic relationship, the world would not end. But it will be very difficult, and you’ll have a lot of soul-searching to do. Personally, I had to reexamine everything I understood to be true.
About the book: Do you find yourself giving all you’ve got and people still want more? Do you sometimes do without what you want or need in order to keep the people around you happy? Are you afraid to deal with confrontation and do you often find it easier to just go with the flow in order to keep the peace?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a people pleaser. Many people pleasers are also very empathic people, who are especially attractive to toxic types who love to take advantage every chance they get.
In this book, you’ll learn how to stop feeling the need to make everyone else happy and start figuring out what makes you happy, personally, and really – not someone else’s idea of what’s supposed to make you happy,
I often see men running around trying to please their wives or girlfriends to no avail. They love us women. They want nothing more than for us to be happy. Well, most men feel that way if they are in a healthy committed relationship. However, I often see men struggling to understand the woman they’re with. Here are five things you can do to win and keep your woman’s heart forever.
1. Honesty – This is simple, don’t lie. Just don’t. A woman is looking to find a mate who can also be a best friend. Someone she can be completely honest with. If you are not honest with her your relationship can suffer. This includes financial, medical, and emotional needs as well. If she asks you if her sweatpants look good on her and you hate sweatpants then honesty is the best policy.
2. Communicate – Take time out of each day to talk. Having a hard time knowing where to start? Try telling her about your day. Everything that happened. This is going to allow her to get to know you better as well as help you open up communication wise. If you already have a regular routine where you share your thoughts and feelings and something big happens it won’t be so hard to talk to her about it. Communication in every relationship is key.
3. Touch Her – Touch her all the time, and not just when you want to have sex. Touch her in the car. Touch her under the table at dinner. Touch her when you’re in bed together. Touch her in public. Touch her in front of the kids. Touch her in front of your friends. Show her there is a difference between wanting sex and showing her affection.
4. Acceptance – She is going to gain 5 pounds (or more) at some point in your relationship.
She most likely will never look like a Victoria Secret model.
She will get stretch marks during pregnancy. She is going to fall apart at the worst moments. She is going to be needy when you don’t have time to give her.
The key to all of this is acceptance. If you love her, truly love her, then none of these things will matter. You will accept her while finding the time to give her.
5. Trust – You must trust her. She must trust you. Without trust there is no foundation to your relationship. Trust with a woman is like building a house.
Each brick is a chance to build your house as strong as possible. If you break her trust then you have a missing brick and a hole in the side of your house.
Enough holes and the house isn’t sturdy. Make sure to only add bricks to your house and not take them away. This will make your relationship strong.
“There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I’ve got to see my friends because I’m too content by myself.” ~ Drew Barrymore
I know I’m not alone when I say I would rather stay in and watch a movie on Netflix than go out and watch one at a theater.
I don’t even want to go stand in line at Redbox and rent a movie because that would mean I have to be next to other people.
Spending time at home and with my select friends and family is enough excitement for me. My social needs are met with a video game and a bag of veggies. (I would say chips but I am on this health kick…be healthy!).
There are moments in my life when I did not leave the house for weeks at a time. The only people I saw were my husband and children. I like it that way.
I know that I have to go out into the world and function. I do not have to like it but it must be done. I could shop only at Wal-Mart. However, there are some things that you cannot do at Wal-Mart like pick your kid up from school and attend your child’s soccer game. Here is how I stay sane. (or insane if that’s how you want to look at it.)
1. Limited eye contact – I limit how much eye contact I have with everyone I meet. The less our eyes meet the less you will want to talk to me.
2. No conversation – The worst thing is when you are checking out at the grocery store with $200 in food and all the lady who’s ringing you up wants to do is chit chat about how she found her missing dog. Listen, I’m happy for her and the pup but I don’t want to hear about it. A simple “hello” and “have a good day” is almost too much in the first place.
3. Don’t smell – People smell terrible. Avoid smelling anyone at all times. I can smell a person who didn’t take a bath or brush their teeth from an aisle over. I bury my face in my scarf or my husband’s shoulder whenever we pass someone. Yes, there are those of you out there that use cologne and bathe regularly. I apologize to you. However, I am still going to hold my breath whenever you pass me because I cannot smell you.
4. Be nice – Being as nice as possible to those people who must talk to you is key. The nicer you are the more helpful they will be and the faster you can leave and go back home.
5. Don’t be afraid – No one knows that you are an introvert. No one knows you want to run away and crawl home instead of smiling one more fake smile. Everyone picks their kids up from school. Everyone goes to the mall. People go grocery shopping. Just remember that blending in is our best bet. Get done what you need to get done and then get back home.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~Oscar Wilde
When was the last time someone really pissed you off, hurt your feelings or shocked you (in a negative way) with their behavior?
People can be cruel–let’s face it, some of them are downright assholes who bring a serious element of toxicity into your life. They say and do the meanest, most damaging things. I have been personally shocked on more than one occasion at the blatant rudeness of some people.
(This is especially the case when we’re talking about narcissists!)
When it happens to you…
Having been a victim of unkind treatment, you’re probably reeling with anger. You feel like forgiveness is the least suitable response you can give.
Surprisingly, however, forgiveness is the quickest and most lasting way to get over the anger and hurt! But how can you just forgive someone who has hurt you so?
Achieve true forgiveness and gain peace with these approaches:
Confront the issue. It’s very easy to want to block negative situations out of your consciousness, but that approach may be causing more anger than you know!
Take a hard look at the issue. Say aloud, “This happened to me.” Doing that may cause some of the feelings to resurface. But when you’re done crying, you’ll likely be free from tears going forward.
What happened was a thing of the past. It happened, and you’re still here to tell the tale. Is it really worth affecting your peace of mind? It’s probably time to move on with your life!
Consider your involvement. Perhaps you didn’t consciously trigger a reaction from the other person. But there could very well be something that affected them. They just chose to address it in an unhealthy and unhelpful way!
It’s really not about playing the blame game. One human being has no right to offend or hurt another. If you were offended, take a look in the mirror before deciding how to deal with it. You’ll likely recall scenarios where you may have wronged someone as well!
Wear the offender’s shoes. Consider how it must feel for the person who now realizes that they hurt you considerably. After the initial emotion passes, they start to feel regret for their actions.
It’s always a good idea to try and switch roles. See it from their viewpoint. If you’re yearning for someone’s forgiveness, you’ll likely rejoice when you finally get it.
Consider the impact of anger on your life. When you hold on to the anger and resentment, it starts to eat away at you. Whether or not you know it, your happiness ends up being a fraction of what it could be. Anger negatively affects your quality of life!
Do you find yourself being short-tempered with loved ones and friends? You may feel your reaction is justified. But if you think about it, you might see that you overreacted.
Take some time to consider why you’re so angry or maybe sad. Grudges almost always bring and sustain negative emotions that can affect you long-term.
Once you try these approaches, you’ll experience the benefits of forgiving those who offended you. You’ll see how useless it is to allow the negative emotions of holding on to your hurts to drag down your quality of life. In fact, you’ll likely want to go back and forgive everyone who has ever hurt you!
Learn to freely forgive others and give your mind the rest it deserves for a peaceful, truly happy life.
“Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
Enhance Your Relationship: 7 Strategies to Show Love for Your Partner
Are you feeling bored in a monogamous relationship? Is it that you really aren’t attracted to your partner, or is it that you’ve both stopped dating each other? How would you like to feel closer to your him?
When you open your mind to the idea of having a more meaningful love relationship, you can experience some amazing things together and build a love that’s strong and ever-lasting.
Imagine what it would mean to you to know you’re forging a solid base with the love of your life.
Follow these tips to show your love and strengthen your connection:
Listen well. When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you might tend toward occasionally tuning out your partner. So, staying focused and listening when your lover is sharing something is one of the best ways to enhance your closeness.
When your partner starts talking, stop what you’re doing, turn toward them, make eye contact, and listen.
Acknowledge. Show that you hear your partner by saying things like, “Uh-huh,” “yes,” “I didn’t know that,” or “I hear what you’re saying.”
Pay attention. From your partner’s facial expression, how do you think they might be feeling? Do their shoulders seem to be sagging a bit today? What things make your partner smile, or even laugh out loud? Simply by observing, you can learn a lot.
Plan special time together each day. Let your partner know you love them by designating time daily to do something together. Eating dinner at the table is likely a common occurrence, but you could also play some cards after dinner for an hour or so or do some other activity together that you enjoy.
Maybe you share a love of the outdoors. Taking a walk is a great way to spend a half-hour or more talking and holding hands each day.
During these shared times, make an effort to talk about things you want to do and your dreams for the future.
Make quick contact, even when you’re busy. Although you both may work a lot, making quick contacts through the day can be great for your relationship. There are a myriad of ways to stay in touch.
You can make a quick phone call, send a funny or sexy text, or send an e-mail just to say, “Hi,” during your breaks. Take care to follow your company’s rules regarding personal use of phones and e-mails when contacting your partner during the work day.
Brag about your partner within earshot of them. Nothing enhances your connection more than hearing the love of your life telling others how you do something well. So, take the opportunity to share out loud your love’s strong points from time to time.
Talk about how they spiffed up your car or cooked your favorite meal. You can mention how your spouse has a knack for decorating your home or calming the kids, for example.
And don’t forget to tell your partner directly that he’s awesome, too–men love that (and so do women!).
Plan a secret get-away. What if you were to plan an overnight trip to take your art-loving partner to see that new art museum that’s a couple of hours away? Or to stay at a beach cottage for an extended weekend to celebrate their birthday?
Have fun with your undercover planning. You can place “clues” of what your plans are by leaving little hints and notes around the house or send texts that pique their interest in what you’re planning.
Your partner will love the thought that went in to your elaborate “scheme” to have some alone-time together.
Here’s the bottom line: You hold the keys to creating the most intense and loving relationship you’ve ever had. Put these strategies into action now to help build an everlasting bond with the one you love.